Chapter 14 – Pain

As I got on my bike, I felt guilty lying to my mother; but I need to know the whole story, including each side of it. I know she said to not blame the Cullen's for what happened to her and why she was left alone. I would listen to them and try to keep an open mind, but Edward would hear everything I thought. I flew away on my bike to the big house in the forest. Even though I hadn't seen the house in over a century and I was still a baby, my memory of how to get there was still just as clear. I pulled into the 3-mile long drive way and the trees opened and I saw the house. The house I was born in and was my first home. I got off my bike and I heard the front door open, "Hi Renesmee," it was Alice. I smiled, "Alice, is everyone home?" Her smile flattered as she took in my face, "Yes?" "Good, because I need to talk to all of you. May I come in?" She held open the door and I walked into the large living room, facing the family that turned their backs on my mother.

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I laid on my couch, playing her lullaby and thinking about the egregious mistake I made today. I heard the bike over the music. I flashed down the stairs, "What is she doing here?" Alice looked up at me, "Who?" I looked to the front door, "Renesmee." Alice grimaced; This is going to be ugly. Alice went to answer the door and I called everyone to the living room. As Renesmee stepped inside, she stared at all of us. Alice guided her to the couch, "Is something wrong?" she played coy. Renesmee sighed, "My mother told me everything." She looked around the room, "She told me about her relationship with Edward, James, her birthday party, Jasper and your leaving." She looked to Carlisle, "She told me Edward's reasons for leaving, but what I want to know is your reasons for why you left. You've seen what happen to her after you left, so I want to know why you left my mom alone?" Carlisle sighed, "Renesmee, this wasn't an easy decision. Not all of us were for our leaving."

Save it and tell me the damn truth. I cleared my throat, "Carlisle, let me." I looked to her, "Renesmee, it was me. I saw what was happening to your mother when she was in close proximity of our world as a human, and it was too dangerous for her. After what happened at her birthday party, that was the final straw. I couldn't keep putting her life in danger. She told you about James, did she say why he came after her?" She shook her head, "She just said you saved her from him." Esme patted my shoulder, Let it out. She deserves to know the truth about her own mother. I patted her hand, "Bella came to watch us play baseball and Carlisle warned me that there were nomads in the area. They heard us playing and came to the clearing. James caught Bella's scent and he was intrigued by why our family was protecting her, that's why." She nodded and bit her lip, "So, instead of letting her make her own decisions on what she wanted, you took the decision into your hands, am I right?"

Just like Bella, perceptive. "In a sense. What Bella wanted was too dangerous for her." She glowered at me, looking just like Bella when she was mad, "Huh? Well, obviously your absence didn't do a damn thing. Did she tell you Victoria hunted her for revenge? Did you know Laurent almost killed her in a meadow when she was hiking?" Emmett huffed, "Laurent came after her?" "Yes," anger staining her voice, "he was searching for Momma for Victoria. If Jacob didn't find her that day, she would have died." She looked around the room and I heard all the guilt in their voices. Why did we listen to Edward? Alice thought. This is all my fault. If I wasn't weak that night, Jasper winced at the memory. She was a danger magnet. Renesmee is right, we shouldn't have left, Emmett thought. I sighed, Renesmee's mind was the hardest to handle, I hope they all suffer for what they did to her. None of them deserve her. Neither do I for that matter. "Renesmee, why would you think that? If anything, you should be happy. Yes, because we left her alone, she had you." "Because it's true. I don't deserve my mom anymore than you do," she spat at me. I didn't disagree with her. I don't deserve my angel back in my life, I should jut wallow in hell. "I am half of that monster that stole her life. Yes, she says I was the best thing that ever happened to her, but I don't see that. As far as I'm concerned, if I wasn't born, my mom would have gotten over what happened to her, she would have graduated and had a real family. She would have been human and maybe, me too."

This was a complete shock, she wanted the same thing for Bella that I did. "Renesmee, who could you think that?" Rosalie asked. "I've seen you two together. You're more like sisters than mother and daughter." She smiled, "I feel that way too, but still, I ruined her life. Truly, I shouldn't exist." Esme gasped and went to hug Renesmee, "Sweetheart, you should never say that. It would pain Bella to hear you say that." She stepped away from Esme and looked at all of us, "Maybe so, but still, where the hell were all of you? She was here, alone and in pain. You saw it, how could you deal with that? She thought you loved her. I guess she was wrong." Carlisle was trying to calm Renesmee down, but I heard something. Speaking of Bella, I could hear her. She was coming up the drive and fast.

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I saw her motorcycle outside of her house and I caught her scent as I came here. This was unbelievable. She was bold as brass coming here. I picked her voice as I entered the driveway, "She thought you loved her. I guess she was wrong." I flahed up the porch and banged on the front door. I was too mad to feel any pain for being back here. Rosalie opened the door. "Is she here?" I asked through my teeth. Rosalie gestured for me to enter and I saw her. Her back was to me and everyone looked at me. I could see on their faces they were upset. "Renesmee Carlie Swan, how dare you?" She whirled and faced me in disbelief, "What? I came here to find out the entire truth. I wanted to know everything." "I told you to let it go. That they were not involved in what is going on with me. And then you lie to my face and you came here. What the hell was in your head?" She sighed, "Momma, I just wanted to know their side of the story." I raised an eyebrow, "Really? Why is that?" Her eyes fell to the floor, "I wanted to know their reasons for why they left."

I folded my arms, "And what did you find out?" I asked in a patronizing voice. She didn't speak, "Fascinating. That much, huh?" She glared up at me, "Well, if you weren't so damn secretive, then I wouldn't have to find anyway of finding out more information about my mother," she snapped at me. My eyes widened, "Go home. We are discussing this later." Renesmee stood her ground, "No." My chest tightened, "I am not going to say it again. Let's go." Renesmee folded her arms, "No. I have every right." My eyes tightened, my breathing ceased and I flashed across the room and stood right in her face. I heard the others gasp as I stared at her, "You had no right what so ever. GET OUT OF HERE NOW!!!!"

Her lips trembled and tears welled in her eyes. She flashed out of the room and ran through the forest. I hadn't moved an inch and everyone watched my. What had I done? I closed my eyes and felt a sob building in my chest. My breath staggered out between my teeth, I wanted to die. Someone flashed in front of me and wrapped their arms around me. I recognized the scent, it was Esme. I buried my face in her shoulder and cried. She didn't speak. I felt other hands on my shoulder, "Sit down," Alice suggested. I let them lower me onto a couch. I sobbed into Esme's shoulder. "Jasper, Emmett, could you go check on Renesmee?" Carlisle asked. "No," I spoke up in a broken voice. "Leave her alone. More than likely, she'll go see Jacob." I faced Carlisle, "She just needs to be left alone for now." My face fell into my hands, "What kind of mother am I? I kept the truth of my past from her because I didn't want to burden her with my pain. As she got older, if I told her, I knew she would take it upon herself to make it right." I shook my head, "It was just a matter of time." I wanted to rip out my hair, just so I could ignore the emotional pain I just inflected on my daughter. The only person left in the world who truly loved me.