Chapter 18 – Breaking
Renesmee was out with Jacob and I was home alone. The fire crackled in the fireplace and I watched the flames dance while lying on the couch. I was close to doing something I did not like doing, even now, after all these years. I was taking stock of my life. My daughter was over 100 years old and she would be leaving soon. I only had three more years in Forks and I may be traveling alone. I would not uproot Renesmee from her life here. I would go, but discuss it with her first. I would not make his mistake. I had another option, if I were brave enough to take it. Bella. I sat up, running my fingers through my hair. I looked to the china cabinet. In it, was my life's story and memories. I went to open it and took out a DVD. Loading it, I watched Renesmee and mine home videos. In the jungle, I stole several video cameras. On the screen, there was Renesmee as a baby, bounding into the air and landing on the branches, giggling wildly. "Watch this, Momma." "I am, honey." She flitted through the trees, flipping between the branches, making spins and landing on the ground.
On the video, I praised her, "Very good, bunny." She was my bunny; it was difficult at times to catch her when she ran. Huilen and Nahuel were on the videos, laughing and playing with Renesmee. I watched as Renesmee progressed on the home movies. At five years old, she was the size of a twelve year old. She was still a foot shorter than me. I turned off the movie. I was missing Renesmee when she was tiny and I didn't need a reminder. I took up one of my old journals and began reading my passages. At one point, I was writing poetry. One poem was called "All At Once."
All At Once
All at once, I am realizing that
You're not coming back
And it finally hit me, all at once
I counted my teardrops
And, at least, a million fell
All my dreams were shattered
Since I met you,
You were the only love I've know
And, try as I may, I can't forget you
I must face it all alone
I'm drifting on a lonely sea
Drowning in memories
With a hope of you returning to me
All at once
I wondered if you were with another love
In the arms of another
All at once
The smile that used to greet me
Brightens another's day
If I could, I'd cry at that thought
If only I was enough
All at once
I realize I wasn't
My lips trembled as I read. I remember how his words shattered my dreams of being with him for eternity. That was my dream, but only part of it came true. I have eternity, but I don't have him. But he wants you. Dammit, open your heart to him, I mentally yelled at myself. What if he leaves me again? I combated. That's a risk you'll have to take, but he said he loves you. Another thought came to me, When I met you, you changed me in a permanent way, Edward's memory voice came to me. Being a vampire, I know changes are rare, but they are permanent. In all this time, Edward has loved me. Still thinking I was human, he must have assumed I died. While loving me, how did he deal with that? I told you I love you, Bella. Believe me. The voice pleaded. Believe him. He loves you and you love him. Nothing is in your way. No one's stopping you but you. I read through my journal, reading another passage;
It's been 50 years and I still cannot let him go. I am still stained by him, still full of my love for him. Though his love for me is no more; mine will never die. I may see him again, but I will not bombard him with my want for him. If I do ever see him again, I hope we can be friends. Friends and nothing else. Some nights, when I lay with Renesmee, I dream to myself wishing I was enough for him. If only I was a vampire when we met. Then again, no. No matter how much I love him, I would never trade my daughter for him. If I was given the chose, I would chose Renesmee over him. With Renesmee I have someone I love and she will always love me. He was my past, but she will always be apart of my future.
That was true. But, if I allowed myself, Edward could be part of my future. I came across another one of my poems. I wrote the original and a revision with my hallucination adding its words.
How Could an Angel Break My Heart?
He once wrote me a lullaby
But he took it away
Thought I would die,
Because that lullaby was mine
He sings it to another
And sealed it with a kiss
That is so hard to believe,
Because his kiss belonged to me
How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch me when I fell?
Why did I wish so hard?
How could an angel break my heart?
Her face must be as white as snow
Your face is whiter
Soft as a rose in May
You are softer
He keeps her picture in a frame
I only keep your picture
When he's alone, he calls her name
I only call your name
I wonder if she makes him smile
She doesn't make me smile
The way he used to smile at me
I only smile at you
I hope she doesn't make him laugh
She doesn't make me laugh
Because his laugh belongs to me
My laugh belongs to you
How could an angel break my heart?
Why didn't he catch me?
Why did I wish so hard?
Maybe I wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?
I feel like I'm dying
I'm trying to understand
Please help me
How could an angel break my heart?
He let me fall
I wished too hard
And wished our love apart
How could an angel break my heart?
Reading this, I began to cry. I heard Renesmee and Jacob coming back. I couldn't let them see me like this. I ran out the back door and into the forest. When I stopped, I realized I was standing in the same place where my heart shattered. I fell to my knees, crying a tearless sob. The venom welled in my eyes. A tear of venom formed and fell down my face. I caught it on my fingertip and looked at it. My teeth chattered and I crumpled to the ground, just like that day. The rain began to fall. I looked up to the sky. The drops that fell, as if they represented the tears I couldn't cry in the past century. The tears I wanted to shed for the one I loved and lost. There are millions of people who have experienced this; but I am one of the fortunate few whose love had returned.
He still means the world to me and, in part of my heart, he was my everything. "Momma," someone called out. I trembled on the ground. This was too similar. "Bella," another voice called. These voices sounded far away. I turned on my side and curled my arms around my legs and I closed my eyes. The voices went away. Bella. I opened my eyes and I saw him. My hallucination formed his face and body, kneeling next to me. I sat up and he was still there. He caressed my cheek with his imaginary hand, Bella, get up and go home. They're worried about you. I shook my head, No, I want to stay here with you. My hallucination kissed my forehead, Bella, I am always with you. I will never leave you. The rain fell down my face as tears, I lost you once. I can't do it again. A smile came across his hallucinatory face, Then let me in. His hand cupped my cheek, leaned closer to me. I closed my eyes, anticipating the feelings of his lips on mine. Not feeling anything, I opened my eyes. He was gone.
I cried harder, roaring into the air. I KEEP LOSING HIM!!!! WHYYYYYY?! I crumpled back into the ground. My hands were over my eyes as I cried. Someone was approaching, but that did not make me stop. "Ness, I found her," a familiar voice called. Warm hands clasped my wrists, "Bella?" I let my hands fall and looked into Jacob's black eyes. "Momma," Renesmee called. She saw my face and gasped, "What happened?" I shook my head. They didn't speak. They helped me to my feet and we walked back to the house. I was covered in mud and leaves were in my hair. Jacob carried me to my room, while Renesmee started a shower. "Bells, what's the matter?" I looked at him, "Me." He tilted his head to the side. "Jake, let me get her in the shower." Renesmee guided me to the bathroom and undressed me. Just like me, taking care of her mess-of-a-mother. I hugged her, "Momma?" I shook my head, "Thanks for finding me." "What happened?" I exhaled, "Just painful memories. I'll be fine." She laughed once, "You always are." She left me and I showered all the dirt off my skin and out of my hair. After all the dirt was off, I stopped the tub and laid in the water. I watched as the water rippled above me.
I was tired, emotionally. I was tired of fighting against my feelings. Why did I even start? From when he told me he loved me, I should have gone to him. I should have stayed with him, where I belong. I will not finalize my decision, but I am getting closer to making it. First, I need to see him to be sure.
