Chapter 19 – Attempting

I moved at a human pacing preparing for the last day of school. In my closet, I decided to dress up. I selected a black skirt, that fell just above my knees, a white blouse that tied on the left side of my waist, with a black camisole underneath. I wore black, knee boots, with silver chains. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail, letting my hair brush against the back of my shoulders. Renesmee was waiting for me and smiled approvingly at my outfit; "Very nice. Trying to send some seniors off with a good memory of you." I couldn't help laughing, "Maybe. Let's go." We mounted our bikes and went to the school. We pulled into our usual spots. I saw the principal staring at me as I got off, "Oh my goodness," I heard him whisper as he walked into another student. I smiled widely, until I heard the approach of the familiar car. Renesmee smiled and waved. I kept my eyes down, making myself look busy searching in my purse. I heard him gasp as he got out of the car. This is what I waited for. I looked up at him and smiled. Right then, Dante Smith walked past him, but Edward ignored him, his eyes looked on me.

I smiled and went to my office. Once inside, I exhaled deeply. I was on the precipice of making my decision. I just hoped Alice wouldn't ruin it for me. I sat at my desk, with my chin resting on my folded arms. What are you waiting for? You've waited so long, I argued with myself. I nodded, True, but what's a few more hours. I mentally groaned. When I had my mental debates, it was like I was arguing with a mirror. But in the mirror, it was my human self. I probed myself with the deep brown eyes that Edward loved so much. Sometimes the reflection would change and I would see Renesmee. When I saw her, I couldn't look at her. She pleaded with me with her eyes, Tell me the truth. Let me help you. I realized in a century of brooding; I never really let my own daughter in. That, up until recently, she never truly knew me. The thought of this made me feel sick. It felt like the venom inside my stomach as churning in disgust.

At my fourth hour class, I walked in silently, still in deep thought. Students were sitting on their desks talking. I looked around and five pairs of golden eyes and one pair of chocolate brown eyes were on me. I sat stone-faced, looking at my desk, with my arms crossed in of my chest. I looked around the room and saw the children signing yearbooks. Some brought me out of my concentration and I signed their books. Between signings, I twirled the pen in my fingers and twirled my ponytail. I was completely disgusted with myself. I tried so hard to be a good mother for Renesmee, shielding her from my pain, when I was actually shielding myself from letting her in. I clamped my hands together and leaned my forehead against them, looking down at my desk. I sighed, what was I going to do? Should I just embrace the family? Embrace their love and open myself up. The hole in my chest ached, anticipating this. I know if I embraced them, truly and completely, the hole will heal.

The bell rang and class ended. Everyone cleared out and some hugged me, "Bye, Ms. Platt." I smiled and waved, sending off my class. Renesmee came up to my desk, "Memories?" I nodded. She smiled, "I figured. I saw you were watching our videos from the jungle when I was a baby." I smiled, "You were so adorable." She chuckled, "We could go there this summer." I smiled and raised an eyebrow, "Maybe. Oh, that reminds me." I hopped off the desk, "Alice?" She danced up to my desk, "Yes?" I handed her an envelope. She opened it and took out the check, "It's the money I burrowed. I said I would pay you back." She smiled at me. She held the check in her hands and tore it, "It's on me." She held up her hand, knowing I was going to protest, "No Bella. I'm glad you took it. It actually makes me feel better that I was able to help you, in some small way while we were away." I smiled, "Fine. Fair enough." She folded her arms, "What's the matter?" I gawked at her. "Bella, I can read you like a book. You're future is in such flux." "Well, you just answered you own question."

At the end of the school day, I was in my office, clearing out my personal belongings. The box sat on the floor. I was sitting on my desk, my back to the door. Time ticked by, until someone knocked on my door. I didn't answer, so the door creaked open, "Bella?" I didn't answer him, I just remained unmoving. I felt his hand on my back, "Bella?" I blinked, "Yes?" I answered in a small voice. He was anxious, "Renesmee asked me to come find you. She's waiting for you outside." I turned my head to towards his voice; he was behind me, "Tell her to go with Alice. That I'll see her later." He sighed, "Bella, please. We're all worried about you? Would you please give me something more so I can ease their tension?" I stared ahead; I've made my decision.

We stood in my office in silence for a little while longer. He brushed the back of my shoulder, "Bella, please." I sighed, "I'm sorry. I keep causing discord in your family. You shouldn't worry about me." He sighed, "Bella, in this past century, I've done nothing but worry about you." I patted his hand on my shoulder, "I know. Part of me wish you hadn't." I leaned back and I was against his chest. He sighed and his breath blew against my cheek, "Bella…" He kissed my hair, "I just want to know that you're alright." I lowered my head, "I hope I will be." His arm snaked around my waist and I didn't stop him. I sighed in a staggered breath, "Please, don't worry about me. I just need to think about some things." He brushed my hair to one side, as he caressed the skin at my shoulder with his lips. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. His lips moved against my neck, my head titled back until it leaned against his shoulder. His lips were at the base of my ear as he whispered my name, "Bella, please." I brushed my cheek against his face, while trying to control my breathing. He held me closer to him as he kissed along my shoulder. My arm rose until my hand tangled itself in his hair. He spun me around, so that I was facing him. He undid the tie at my waist, opening my blouse. His hand curved around my waist underneath the blouse pulling me closer to him. My legs were parted, on either side of his body. The venom pumped through my body like it was blood. His lips were gentle as they made their way to mine. My left leg moved up and down against his hip, until it curved around him.

He took my ponytail out, letting my hair fall down my back. My arms were behind me, holding me up, but he lifted me off the desk, spinning me around until my back was against the wall, as he kissed me. My eyes widened as he kissed down my chest. My fingers tangled his hair in my grip and my breath was ragged. He took my face in his hands and looked into my eyes. I read his as well, and I saw what I wanted for so long; his love. He kissed me gently. I unhooked my leg from his hip and he let me slide down the wall, until I was on my own feet, but he never released me. This was the moment I hoped for, prayed for, begged for. Edward wanting me, needing me as much as I need him. My hands were ready to undo his shirt when I picked up the sound of someone approaching my house. I let him devour me a little while longer, until I worked up my resolve, "Someone's coming." He shrugged, "So?" I smiled under his kiss, "I'm a teacher and you're a student." He pulled back, "Damn." I bit my lip, "Meet me at my house." He smiled and circled his arms around me again, lifting me from the floor and kissing me. When he released me, he sprinted out of my window.

I exhaled deeply. My body felt so alive, that I was trembling. I didn't know what this feeling was, but I didn't want it to go away. I tied back my blouse and grabbed my box of belongings. I opened my door to the principal, "Have a nice summer, Mr. Walt," I breathed as I half ran to the parking lot. I strapped my box to the back of my bike and flew out of the parking lot. When I arrived home, Renesmee's bike was not there and neither was his car, which hardly meant anything. I ran inside and threw the box into the closet under the stairs. I sprinted up the stairs, I didn't detect any scent. A fissure broke through me; he wasn't coming. I sat on the edge of my bed. I took off my boots and let my hair out, letting it fall all around my face. This was the pain I wanted to avoid and it was creeping up. I heard someone in Renesmee's room and I looked up. I went to my door, opening it and he was there. His eyes had a blaze about them. Before I could smile, he circled his arms around me, crushing my lips with his. We staggered backwards, as he ripped off my blouse and I, his shirt. He lifted my camisole over my head. He pushed me on the bed, taking off my skirt. I gripped at his pants, ripping them off. We stared at each other as I inched back to the head of the bed.

He placed one knee on the bed, grabbing at my ankle, pulling me back to him. My legs were wrapped around him as he kissed along my neck. This was amazing and worth the wait. He loved me and he was making me his. The hole in my chest was filled and healed. The fissure disappeared and I was whole. I was Bella again. I had Edward and I would never leave him, as he would never leave me.