Fate/first order derivative
Part I.12

⇒ continue: iteration 19, day 3, afternoon

So after a few hours of work, this is what I've got:

THIS WEEK! Don't miss the:

FIFTH FUYUKI CITY HOLY GRAIL MASSACRE!

War Is Begun!

MARVEL in amazement as seven legendary heroes from across time and space compete for the ultimate prize! NO HOLDS BARRED. NO WEAPONS BANNED! Parental Guidance Highly Recommended! THERE WILL BE BLOOD!

Featuring:

- the undefeatable LANCER, master of the Irish martial arts!
- the magnificent SABER, Azure Paladin of Destruction!
- the incredible BER-ZURR-CAR - Careful! He might drive you insane! ‡

SEVEN WALK IN. ONE WALKS OUT! The battle of a lifetime has arrived! So don't be a loser. Shell out your hard-earned cash today and get ready to witness the blood-stained epic tragedy of your nightmares! LIKE A BOSS.

For information and tickets, contact Tomasu Tomonaga, c/o...

‡ when available, all ticket sales final.

There. That should be enough to trigger whatever keyword filters Kotomine or whoever has set up, provided he's thought to watch the net and all. Stung a bit coming up with a thing for Berserker. That's all still pretty fresh and everything. But hey - if you can't laugh, you might as well just go crazy, right? (Besides, no matter how I tried dressing it up, the title "Archer" really doesn't scream Heel to me.)

So I try posting it to the official city newsgroup. Sure enough, five minutes later, it's gone. I post it again, just to make sure they got the point, then throw it on a couple of imageboards for good measure.

Right. Now to see how long it takes for them to drop the hammer.


⇒ skip to: iteration 19, day 4, late night

A little over a day, it turns out. I'm in my bed, on the verge of drowsing off, when I feel a hand come down over my mouth. I open my eyes. Lancer stands next to the bed, the point of his spear hovering just a few millimeters over my heart. "Listen up," he says. "Only words you're allowed to say here are yes or no. You raise your voice, you lie to me - and I'll know if you lie to me - and I gut you like a cheap fish. Capiche?"

I swallow and nod.

"Now - does anyone else in this house know about the Grail? Did you tell any of them?" He loosens his grip around my jaw.

"No," I squeak. Dammit, I planned for this, I practiced it. Just move your stupid mouth and say the words -

"Good." Lancer clamps down on my face again before I have the chance. "I hate killing families. It's always such a goddamn mess to clean up. Next -"

This might be my last chance. I try to take in a deep breath through my nose without him noticing.

"Aside from that post of yours, did you tell anyone outside the house?" He uncovers my mouth.

I say, "No-and-before-I-die-can-I-get-you-a-drink?"

There's a moment of complete silence.

Lancer slowly pulls the spear back, his eyes narrowed. "... what kind of drink?"


⇒ thank god for the irish

Technically, it's more thank God for ancient, magically-binding promises. I lucked out here, in fact. I actually meant to ask if he wanted something to eat - the legends say his geas made him unable to turn down any offer of food. But I guess this works too?

"An' then he just keeps goin', you know?" Lancer burps loudly. This is about an hour, all of my dad's beer, and three of the bottles of sake my parents have to keep hidden from my sister later. "Son a' this, born of that, steward and privy maid to what's-his-face. Just on and on and on!"

"Uh-huh," I say. We're downstairs in the kitchen. Still can't believe he hasn't woken up the entire house at this point. More magic shit, I guess.

"So eventually, I just have to say - 'mate, we doing this, or are you gonna go through your entire - y'know, your entire genealogy here?' And he says to me: 'you gotta understand - if I don't name every single one of these people, I'll be hearin' from them all come Samhain.'" Lancer bursts out laughing. For a guy whose killed me twice, he's surprisingly chill. You know he remembers the name of every single guy he dueled during the Cattle Raid of Cooley? Every single one. In order.

He wipes his eyes and downs another shot. "Ohhh - put up a decent fight, that one. Still killed him, a'course. But he did his people proud, that's what matters."

⇒ better get things back on track

Easier said than done, trust me. "Right, yeah, I hear you," I say. "Look, about your job -"

"Oh, yeah. Yeah." He slams his hand down on the countertop. "Can you believe he's been havin' me do his dirty work, night and day? Ninety percent of my time, it's been about keepin' things secret! Disappear this guy, take down that radio dish. And I'm like, 'you do realize I'm supposed to be a fecking hero here, don't you?' Not that he cares. Cold-hearted snake, that one. An' I have known a few in my time..." Kotomine must not be watching right now, obviously, or this would be going very differently.

"Hey, man, I get it, all right? I'm not tryin' to guilt you here or nothing. You can kill me, s'cool." I hear myself slur a little. Buh. Okay, so he kinda might have peer-pressured me into a little sake at one point, in spite of me being under drinking age. ("It's a cruel, cruel thing to die sober," he'd said. "Trust me, I'd know.") But I'm good so far. Really. I'm good. "All I'm askin' is - when you do - you use your big attack. The one you tried on Saber. That's it."

"Right, right." He pours another shot. "Because of the what'd-you-call-it..."

"Time loop."

He nods. "Adrift on the Sea of Shadows, maybe."

"Huh? What's that?" Ooh, that sounds relevant.

"Just somethin' this one's mother mentioned to me at one point." Lancer raps a knuckle on his spear, propped up in the seat next to him. He'd made a big deal out of pouring it a drink back when we first started. Not that it had any way to drink it, of course, but he'd insisted anything. Something about it being the gesture of the thing. "She said he draws his power from there. 'Both of and outside what we call the real.' Her words exactly, after all these years. Swear by me dad."

"What does that mean?"

"No idea." He shrugs. "I'll be honest with you. At that particular moment, I was a little less focused on what her mouth was doin' and more on what my own -"

"Yeah, okay, stop, I get it, stop." I rub my eyes. Well, that's one lead to file away for later, at least.

⇒ plot_hooks_txt saved to disk

"Assuming that you do come back again, though..." All of a sudden, Lancer's eyes are bright and sharp. Is he really drunk right now? Is he just this good at being drunk? Who knows. Fucking demigods. "You'd be in a perfect position to interfere with my Master's interests, wouldn't you? For all I know, helpin' you out might cost me my shot at the Grail."

I hesitate. Shit. How do I handle this, now...

"... eh. On second thought, fuck it. S'not my problem." Lancer shrugs and gulps down the last of the sake. "Priest wants me to make sure you stay dead, he can tell me that his own self."


⇒ skip to: iteration 19, day 5, early morning

He makes us go out to one of the big fields north of town. "Gonna need space for this," he says. "Lots o' space, away from pryin' eyes." He couldn't have had that much space when he was fighting Saber, but whatever.

And thus do I wind up standing in a patch of mud at two o'clock in the morning, waiting for a legendary warrior to kill me dead. I've got the mana detector duct-taped to myself beneath my jacket, raw wires pressed to my skin, little radio dish in my hand. Everything I need to replicate the original incident that started the loop. I flip the switch on and wince at the tiny electric tingle.

⇒ you sure about this

Oh, so now you ask me?! I'm as reasonably sure as I can be at this point. I guess I could have found a way to test this before going for broke... but hey, when your subject's a magic spear, there's only so much scientific rigor you can drum up, you know?

Besides, I... I think I'm done with all this. I'm really, really done.

So fuck it. Let's be stupid. "Ready?!" I yell into the dark.

"Eh... hold on."

"What?!"

"Look... if we're doing this," Lancer says from further out in the field, "can you at least pretend like we're having a proper duel? Just a personal thing."

"... how?"

"I dunno! Throw something at me!"

I kick my feet around until I find a rock. I bend down and pick it up. "Like this?"

"See? Perfect! You modern people, I swear. Lost all sense of how to die..."

I stand there in the cold for another second or two. "So are we good, or... ?"

"Ready!" Lancer shouts cheerfully. Jeez, it sounds like he's at least a solid kilometer away. How much room does the guy need? "On one... two..."

I halfheartedly lug my rock in Lancer's direction. I think it gets maybe three meters away from me before it falls into the dirt.

⇒ way to go out, slugger

Oh, bite me. "Gae Bolg!" Lancer roars.

Okay, here's the part I'm not looking forward to. It's okay, I tell myself. You don't remember the pain. You never remember it. I shut my eyes and try to brace myself. Crap. Wait. Maybe I should've left a note or something for Mom and Dad, just in case this goes wrong? Shit. Really should have left a note -

Something goes thwump into the earth in front of me.

I open one eye. Lancer's spear sticks up out of the ground a few centimeters away from the toes of my front foot. Wait, all that warm-up and he missed? Why would he miss?! And why is the thing glow -

Everything goes white.