Fate/first order derivative
Part II.4

⇒ continue: iteration 26, day 4, afternoon

The massive front door swings open. "Sup." I wave the little white flag in my hand, even if it's just a handkerchief scotch-taped to a pencil. "Neutral envoy from two other Masters here. Can Illyasviel come out to play?"

So Rin cast this spell that helped me get some sleep last night. As a result, I managed to come here sans blanket. Getting out to the von Einzbern estate is a gigantic pain in the ass, by the way. Then again, I'd sorta guessed things were heading that way when Rin's directions came along with a compass and a terrain map. Kinda amazing that I've never heard of this place before. You'd think people would be more interested in a massive fucking castle in the middle of the woods right outside of town. Wonder if it even shows up on Google Maps?

⇒ okay hold up
⇒ you lost me

What do you mean?

⇒ not saying this is a bad move
⇒ but how do you know this isn't suicide

Well, I don't, really. This is still crazy risky. But after that stuff two loops ago, I'm fairly certain she'll at least hear me out. Remember?

⇒ no

Really? Huh. Could've sworn you were around for all that. But okay. Let's rewind, then -


⇒ skip back to: iteration 24, day 1, late night

"Master, stay back!" Saber draws her sword as the fog swirls around us. "Let me -"

"Nah, I got it." Hands jammed in my jacket pockets, I walk at a casual pace up the street towards Illyasviel von Einzbern and Berserker.

⇒ huh
⇒ bold move
⇒ weren't you pissing yourself at the sight of them a few loops back

Eh, probably still will if they sneak up on me or something. That said, you'd be amazed how few fucks you have left to give after seeing the apocalypse a couple of times over.

⇒ what about that one theory you were gonna test

Later. There's something else I want to try first.

The little girl eyes me as I approach. "... should I know you?"

I ignore her. "You. Tiny murder girl. What is your damage?"

"My - excuse me?!" She draws herself up to her full height. Which isn't much, of course, but I guess it's the thought that counts.

"You heard me," I snap. "You said Shirou took something from you. How's that work when he's never met you before?"

"I - what?" she sputters. Looks like I caught her off-guard. Works for me. Just as long as it keeps her from remembering she could have Berserker crush me like a fly whenever.

"Time loop, blah blah blah, point is, I know stuff." I wave my hands. "Including, FYI, how to take out your buddy Lou Ferrigno there. Just sayin'."

Illyasviel laughs. "Right. A rando like you knows how kill Hercules, son of Zeus."

"Wha - that's Hercules?" I blink and eye Berserker. He gives me this kind of blank look in return. I get the sense he's out of his element when it comes to things outside of smashing and smashing-adjacent contexts. "Well, shit. No wonder he's so broken."

"Exactly," she says smugly.

"Doesn't matter, though." I scratch my ear. "We still know how to kill him. Personally, I'd rather not. Been there, done that. Besides, it's kinda sad to watch. Feels like drowning someone's puppy, you know?"

Illyasviel narrows her eyes. "You really expect me to believe there's a Noble Phantasm capable of overcoming Berserker's regeneration?"

"Hey, believe what you want." I shrug. "Give you a hint, though. It doesn't really matter what we've got when Sir Isaac Newton's on our side." Eh, crap. Think I might've just said too much.

Her eyes flick over to the group and back. "... I've never heard of him being summoned before. What is he, a Caster?"

"Maybe." Woosh, okay, bullet dodged. "Anyway. You gonna answer my question or what?"

"I - that's none of your business!" She crosses her arms.

Oh, to hell with it. This is getting me nowhere. "You know what? Fine. Be that way." I throw up my hands. "I don't care. I have my own shit to deal with. Your issues? Not my problem."

"Well - fine!" Illya stomps her foot on the ground. "Maybe I'll just go home and wait for you idiots to kill each other then!"

I roll my eyes. "Whatever floats your boat, princess."

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

"FINE!"

So I'm not one hundred percent sure what we're arguing about at this point. I just know it pisses me off. I turn and stomp back towards the others.

⇒ dude
⇒ that was fucking awesome

It was? Then why was it so goddamn irritating? I get back to the group. "All right, let's go."

"Um... what just happened?" Shirou asks.

Rin just stares at me. "What the hell was that?"

"Aside from a complete waste of my fucking time?" I growl. "No idea."


⇒ skip forward to: iteration 24, day 5, morning

So... are you seeing this shit? Because I have no idea how to process this.

⇒ where are you

Outside the school. Since I still can't be inside Rider's field without passing out, I took the liberty of going on an... "extended" bathroom break right before it switched on. Figured I'd keep an eye on things outside while Shirou and Rin take care of business, just in case anything weird happens.

And, well... the von Einzbern kid showed up. Knew that was a possibility. Can't say I was expecting this, though.

⇒ describe

She's sitting in the bus stop across the street from the school. In plain daylight. Alone. And in her usual getup, weird brimless purple cap and all. So already she couldn't stick out harder if she tried - but on top of that? She's reading a newspaper. Upside down. With some big obvious eyeholes cut out in the middle. Do you get what I'm talking about here?

⇒ not gonna lie
⇒ that is kind of adorable

Suspiciously adorable. It's so over-the-top twee she obviously has to be trying to lure me into lowering my guard. Unless she knows that I'd spot that, and is just trying to freak me out? She has to have seen me by now, too. Hasn't moved a muscle.

... shit. What if talking to her on the first night just means she's switched to stalking me rather than Shirou? Dammit, what was I even trying to do back there?

⇒ i thought you were just trolling her

I mean, not deliberately? I guess my whole thought process there was that it occurred to me - after seeing her scared to die and everything - that maybe I'd been looking at her more as a Resident Evil boss fight rather than as an actual person. And that if I just tried talking to her, she might decide to hold off on the whole violent murderfest? I figured it was worth a shot, anyway. Also, I was probably the only one who she might let get close enough to talk, since she'd see Rin or Saber approaching her as a threat, and she'd likely just kill Shirou.

And it worked, I guess - but then it turned out that while she is an actual person, she's a person who's really fucking frustrating? In a way that kind of reminds me a lot of the Brat, come to think of it.

⇒ oh
⇒ that's a little disappointing tbh

I weep for your shattered expectations. But seriously. You gonna give me some useful advice here or what?

⇒ did you raise the flag

Yeah. Just sent Shirou a text. (Turns out after all this time he does have a cheap little pay-as-you-go cell phone for emergencies. He just forgets to bring it with him unless someone reminds him.) So now what?

⇒ try talking to her again i guess
⇒ only this time leave your own baggage out of it

... yeah. Yeah, okay, fine. But if Berserker materializes and rips out my spine, you owe me a Coke or something.

I walk across the street and approach her. "So this is a joke, right," I say by way of greeting. "You're doing some kind of bit here."

"Whatever do you mean?" Illyasviel flips a page, which naturally has the same eyeholes cut out. "I am a perfectly ordinary European tourist, awaiting one of the many ingenious mass transit options you have in this country."

"Uh-huh." My eyes keep going back to that cap. I guess it's like a fez or something, without the tassel? I dunno. It just looks to me like someone stuck a round hatbox on her head and called it a day.

"Oh, don't look so nervous." She folds the paper and puts it down on the bench next to her. "I left Berserker at home today. Besides, it's considered poor form to kill retainers when their Master isn't around."

"But that's not the same as 'against the rules,' though, is it?" I counter. "And you're telling me you came out to watch a battle between three Servants without any kind of protection?"

The little girl clicks her tongue. The air blurs. I find myself with a massive axe blade held just a few millimeters away from my windpipe.

"Oh, who said anything about me being unprotected?" Illyasviel gives me a bright smile.

⇒ pretty classy you gotta admit

Let's table that for when I don't have a very sharp weapon in my face. I eye the pale woman holding the halberd - an honest-to-God fucking halberd, ten foot reach and all - to my trachea. She's wearing this weird kind of maid or handmaiden's costume. She's also an albino - looks similar enough to the kid, in fact, that they could be relatives, maybe cousins or something. For no particular reason at all, I mentally dub her 'Funbags.'

⇒ dude not cool

She is holding a blade to my neck I am allowed to be mean. "I see your point," I say to Illyasviel carefully, eying the spike at the end of the weapon.

She smirks. "You're funny. I like that. Return to standby."

"Acknowledged," Funbags says. She pulls the halberd back and stands at attention. Just another reminder that just about everyone around me could kill me at any time, I guess. Yay.

I rub the front of my neck. "So... what brings you out here?"

"I told you. I'm waiting for a bus." Illyasviel sits back. "And frankly, I must admit I'm rather bored. I thought watching you idiots thinning each other out would be more entertaining. But seeing you stumble about without the slightest clue is just getting embarrassing. Take this chaotic little fracas, for example." She waves towards the red lightning around the school.

I narrow my eyes. "Uh-huh. As opposed to...?"

"Well, far be it from me to gossip about the neighbors. But... your Masters may be well-served by investigating that charming little tourist trap up there." She points towards the temple at the top of the mountain.

Oh. I get it. She's trying to play us somehow. That actually helps me relax a little, believe it or not. At least I have some idea what she's up to now. "And we know this isn't a trap because...?"

"Oh, I'm certain that it is," Illyasviel says cheerfully. "Just not one of mine. Christ, finally."

A bus comes chugging up the hill. It stops and opens its door. (No sign of any reaction from the driver and passengers to the blood-colored energy bubble across the street. Bluh. Magic.) Instead of getting on, though, the girl watches as another albino woman, dressed in the same uniform as Funbags, steps off with three or four plastic grocery bags in hand. The door closes and the bus drives off.

"Assignment complete, miss," the new woman says to Illyasviel. She seems to ignore me entirely, albeit in a pointed way. "I can give you a full report on my experience at your leisure."

"Later, Sella," Illyasviel says. "Leysritt - up." Without missing a beat, Funbags mechanically moves to stand in front of her and hunkers down. The little girl climbs onto her back, piggyback-style.

⇒ again with the adorable

I know, right? She's all over the place on this whole cute-versus-evil thing. "I really must be going," Illyasviel says to me as Funbags rises. "Do give my regards to your Masters. I'm sure Rin knows where to find me. She and Shirou should feel free to stop by. Though how much they enjoy the visit is entirely up to them." She finishes with a cold smile that shows entirely too many teeth. "Now, if you'll excuse me..."

She puts a hand on her hat and clicks her tongue again. The air blurs, and all three of them are gone.

⇒ so that was a thing

Right? I'm not dead, though. Guess that proves it. She is capable of interactions not involving homicide. She also seems to have me pegged as Rin and Shirou's servant - you know, with a small s. That could be useful.

⇒ is she wrong though

Let's not go there.


⇒ skip forward to: iteration 26, day 4, afternoon

So the one who opened the front door was Funbags. She gestures for me to come inside. "Follow," she says in her child-like monotone. I nod and walk after her.

⇒ yeah ok we're not calling her that

Oh, fine. You never let me have any fun... anyway, Leysritt - did I get that right? - shows me to a large room lined with marble. I find Illyasviel there, along with Berserker. She stands on one of his shoulders, braiding little pink ribbons into his hair. He seems surprisingly okay with this. The other maid, Sella, looks on from the side.

"So - who are you from?" the little girl asks. "And why should I care?" Oh, right. She hasn't met me yet in this loop.

"Rin Tohsaka and Shirou Emiya," I say. "They'd like to propose an alliance against the Master of Rider, Shinji Matou." We decided last night to keep the fact that Sakura's the real Master under our hats. No sense in putting her at risk if the kid decides to go all murder-happy.

Illyasviel snorts. "Why? I've seen Rider around. She's weak. And her Master is laughable."

She's got me there. "Well, sure," I say, "but he's backed by his family. The Matous' magic might be lacking these days, but their resources are still considerable."

"So, in other words, the heir of one dying house wants my help crushing another. Hmm..." She puts a finger to her chin. "No thanks. Crushing all of you by myself sounds like much more fun. Bye bye now! Thanks for playing!"

She motions. The handmaidens advance towards me, both of them suddenly holding matching halberds. (They didn't have them when I came in. Where the hell do they pull those things from, anyway?) Crap. Now what. We talked about this last night...


⇒ skip back to: iteration 26, day 3, early night

"I suppose... there is one thing I know that could help make your case." Saber taps her finger on the table. "There was an... incident back during the last war..."


⇒ skip forward to: iteration 26, day 4, afternoon

"Wait wait wait!" I go closer towards Illyasviel. Berserker glares down at me with one glowing eye. Eep. I step back. "J-just listen! I heard that - back during the Fourth War - everyone stopped fighting and ganged up on one guy! Because he was just some random serial killer, and they all knew nothing good would come out of him getting the Grail, right?"

Leysritt grabs me by the back of my collar. Fuck, she's strong. Really strong. She drags me one-handed out of the chamber as Sella steps in between me and the little girl. I keep babbling anyway. "There's this guy - Shinji's grandfather, Zolgen Makiri - I mean, Zouken Matou? The one who's really pulling the strings? He's literally a monster! If he gets a wish..."

"Hold." Illyasviel raises her hand. Leysritt stops in place. "Down, please."

Berserker obligingly lifts up his hand. Illyasviel steps off of his shoulder onto his palm, and he deposits her on the ground. She walks towards me and studies my face. "... Zolgen Makiri. You're sure that's his name?"

"His original one, yeah. From before he moved to Japan." One of the little random factoids in the memories I got from Sakura. Don't know why I thought to mention it just now. "You know. In as much as a pile of bugs wearing a human suit can have a name, I guess..." I wish I was joking about that.

"Hmm..." Illyasviel glances at Sella. She swings back and forth on her feet for a moment, thinking. Okay, what did I just do here? What's so significant about that name?

⇒ maybe not a whole lot of people know it
⇒ maybe it was specific to the founder of the matou family
⇒ who should have died a long time ago

So... you think the von Einzberns don't know about his whole immortal-worm-that-walks deal? Makes sense, I guess. Is that really going to matter to them, though? For all I know, that sort of thing could be super-common in the mage world. Like, the equivalent of a nose job or Botox or something.

Illyasviel turns to me. "... very well. I accept your Masters' proposal."

Huh. Guess not, then. Sella gives her a dubious look. "My lady?"

"On one condition." Illyasviel holds up a finger. "To ensure that this isn't some kind of trap, you will remain here with me as a hostage until our alliance is concluded. If your Masters betray me in any way, I'll have Berserker tear off your head and wear it around his neck as a charm point. Sound good?" She smiles cheerfully.

"Wha - but..." I think it over. Actually, that's pretty reasonable, all things considered. Not exactly how I'd expected things to go, but...

I sigh and sit down in a nearby chair. "Fine. Then we've got a condition of our own. The Matous have a girl, Sakura. She was born a Tohsaka. So long as she stays out of the fighting, we want her unharmed."

She nods. "I see no problem with that. Very well. We have a deal."

Huh. You know, I'm a lot better at this than I expected.

⇒ gee almost like i've been saying for years

Mind you, come to think of it, probably should have also extracted some kind of promise that I wouldn't be harmed either. Oh, well... too late for that, I guess...

I take out my cell phone. No signal, of course. "You have a landline here? I should report back to my... uh. Clients." That sounds at least a little better to my ears than Masters. A bit less Igor.

Illyasviel cocks her head. "Do we, Sella?"

"I... believe so, my lady," the handmaiden replies. "I'd have to go look for it."

"Do so. And when you find it, bring it back here." Illyasviel sits down at a little table that's made for her height. "I want to see how it works."


AUTHOR'S NOTES

I'm a little surprised Newton isn't available as a Caster in FGO. His abilities, no doubt, would revolve around gravity and force manipulation. His natural enemies are obviously Einstein and Leibniz.

As those who have seen Fate/Zero will know, the Caster incident during the Fourth War was a whole lot more complicated than Saber made it sound. For one thing, the Church offered the other players a bribe to bring him down. That said, I could see her wanting to skimp on the details there. Especially with Berserker from back then being a sore subject...

So correct me if I'm wrong here, but there's no evidence in canon that Illya and the von Einzberns know what Zouken's deal is, right? At least not until Illya puts on the Dress of Heaven and connects entirely to the Grail, essentially going God Mode. Past that, I'm going with the theory that Zolgen/Zouken masqueraded as a descendent of the original, even among the other mage families, with his true identity kept a closely-guarded secret within the Matous. There's one or two reasons I can think of that he might want to keep that on the down-low...

Next time: did someone say 'dungeon crawl'?