Fate/first order derivative
Part II.11

⇒ continue: iteration 28, day 7, early night

So, in spite of myself, I show up. Even though I know Gilgamesh has probably informed the bouncers to watch out for me, and as soon as I show my face they'll rush me away so he can do that fish-gutting thing he mentioned. Good thing I'm inured to death at this point, right? Eheh heh heh nope I'm totally not. But I'm not seeing any sign of Saber or Rin in the line outside... so it can't be helped.

To my shock, the bouncer lets me through without a second glance. It's a different guy than last night, at least. Still, the process is so easy, it immediately makes me paranoid. It's a trap, right? It has to be. I couldn't have just lucked out... right?

Once again, I timidly pass through the gates of hell. Music's a bit better tonight, at least. Just as I walk in, the DJ starts blasting that one cover of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood" with the Spanish guitar.

⇒ find saber and/or rin

I dodge and weave my way through the crowd, trying to keep as far away from the VIP area as I can. Past the coat check, through the sit-down area directly in front of the front door, around this insanely hot woman in a lavender dress - I've almost made it to the bar before someone grabs my shoulder. I have to bite my tongue to keep myself from shrieking.

But it's just Rin, thank God, with Shirou standing close behind her. "Where's Saber?" I shout, but I can barely hear myself over the music. She shakes her head and leads me back behind the sit-down area and through the sizable line to the ladies' bathroom.

We huddle up. "We haven't seen her yet," Rin says. "You?"

"Nope. Did she say anything at all about what her plan was here?" Rin shakes her head. Figures.

"Should I just summon her?" Shirou asks, holding up the hand with his Command Seals.

"Better not," Rin mutters. "You've only got the one left, remember?"

"Also, side note here - um, damn?" I gesture to, well, all of Rin. She's wearing this lowcut corset with a long slitted dress that perfectly frames her legs, along with these cuffed evening gloves and ladybug stockings, all in her trademark shade of red. Also, there's this kind of playing card motif around the waist that vaguely reminds me of Harley Quinn? It kinda checks lot of boxes for me, is what I'm trying to say.

⇒ guh
⇒ will you just move on already

She arches an eyebrow. "Thanks. Did you seriously just wear your school uniform here?"

I shrug helplessly. "Well... yeah. I mean, what else was I gonna wear?"

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, here's the plan. You keep your head down and watch the entrance, Nehru. Shirou, you check the bar. I've got the dance floor." With that, Rin vanishes into the crowd.

I look over at Shirou. He's wearing a white muscle shirt and - for some reason - a stovepipe top hat. "Am I - what should I be wearing? Do other people just know these things somehow?"

He shrugs. "Don't look at me. I'm just following the commander's orders."

I raise my eyebrows. "She picked this out for you?"

He shakes his head. "She just said on the phone to dress like I was going to a gay bar."

I stare at him. "But... um. How do you..." I catch myself. "You know what? Never mind. I'm just gonna leave that door closed."

"Huh?" He gives me a confused look. "But - I mean, there's a reason -"

"Forget it. It's cool. Let's just go find your Servant, dude." I pat him on the shoulder and walk off to my assigned zone.

I may be finally starting to wise up here. There are some things in this universe that are none of my business, you know? And I am perfectly fine not knowing about them. I've learned that about myself.

⇒ so how would you react to those instructions

Fuck if I know. Uncle Shin had this thing for Hawaiian shirts, so I guess - wait. NOPE NOPE NO shutting this thread down. Shutting it right the fuck down.

⇒ heh heh heh

Why do you feel compelled to do this to me? At the worst possible moments, no less.

⇒ hey gotta find my lulz where i can

... I really should have known that line was going to come back to haunt me.

⇒ you really shoulda


⇒ skip forward

Keeping my eye on the entrance is a lot more difficult than you'd think. Not only is there a constant stream of people heading in and out, but Lavender Woman is sitting at a table alone just inside my field of vision. She's... a bit of a distraction.

⇒ focus will you

I'm trying! It's like having a TV on right in front of me. A tall, willowy TV with striking eyes and a short skirt, no less. Just draws the eye in, you know?

⇒ ugh

Anyway, I've been trying to figure out what Saber must be thinking here. Which is difficult, considering how freaking cryptic she has to be about everything. Still, no matter how pissed off at Big G she is, she's not gonna completely throw strategy to the wind here, right? She's smarter than that.

⇒ probably yeah

So how will she play this? Trying to sneak up and gank him in the crowd doesn't seem like her at all. Not to mention, this place is packed to the gills with non-combatants. She'll need to come up with a way to get everyone out of the way here. Maybe grab one of the employees and make them call Gilgamesh outside? Or pull one of the fire alarms? Or -

A massive steel telephone pole crashes down through the front wall and crushes one of the big amps next to the DJ booth. The speaker tower screeches like a banshee and dies.

Or... that could work too, I guess.

The music cuts out. Everyone immediately backs away. In the stunned silence, I hear a motorcycle engine rev.

⇒ are you kidding me

A Kawasaki bike races through the thin slit punched in the wall and up the pole. It ramps over a group of stragglers nearby the collapsed amp - without taking off any of their heads in the process - and somehow manages to land in the exact right spot on the crowded dance floor where it can screech to a halt without injuring or killing anyone. I have absolutely no idea how any of that works, but it does.

"Holy shit," this one guy nearby the motorcycle says in a dazed tone. "Is that a sword?"

Cue the screaming and running.

⇒ holy shit indeed

I press myself against the wall to avoid getting crushed as the panicked mob rushes for the doors. At least the place seems to be up to code. I hear alarms scream as emergency exits get thrown open. The room clears, faster than I would've believed possible.

Saber pulls off the yellow motorcycle helmet on her head and tosses it aside. Drawing her blade, clad in full armor, she steps off the bike and faces the VIP section. "Gilgamesh, son of Lugalbanda!" she shouts above the tumult. "I would have words with you!"

⇒ daaamn gurl

Above all the noise from the rapidly departing clientele, I hear another sound. Ah, yes. The villainous slow clap. A true classic.

"Well, well, well! As I live and breathe! Good evening, King of Knights!" Gilgamesh smirks down at her from the VIP section. He sits alone at his high table with his feet up, a glass of wine in hand. No sign of Punk Rock Girl or anyone else by his side. "You have my thanks for livening up a dreadfully dull night. Isn't this a bit showy for that ridiculous code of yours, though?"

"Your footman outside appeared to think I required some form of identification in order to enter," Saber snaps. "I trust this demonstration serves as sufficient proof of my person?"

"Oh, indeed. As host, I must apologize for my servant's insolence. Allow me to repay you for the insult with his meager life."

"That isn't -" From outside comes the sound of metal sinking into flesh and a loud scream which is abruptly cut short. Saber winces.

⇒ get over to saber

... are you sure that's a great idea? I mean, he's looking right at her. Though I guess he probably must be able to see me anyway by this point... the room's just about empty. Moving slowly, I pick my way through the discarded chairs and pushed-over tables towards the dance floor.

"Enough. How are you still here?" Saber points her sword at Gilgamesh. Excalibur's blade is visible at the moment. I guess she decloaked it so the crowd knew she meant business. "You seem... different."

"Spending ten years in this poor excuse for an age does that to one. Even to me." Gilgamesh swirls the wine in his glass. Classy bastard. "As to the how, let's just say I made... certain arrangements before the end of the last war."

"Why?" Saber demands. "What could you possibly have to gain?"

"Aside from entertainment, you mean?" Gilgamesh shrugs. "The same as you, I suppose. A second chance. Less for myself, of course, and more for the pack of mutts known as the human race. An opportunity to return this bedraggled species to its former glory, free from the chains of so-called modernity."

Saber narrows her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"Please, Saber." He grins. "It'd be one thing if you intended to join me. In the meantime, what kind of king reveals his strategy to an opponent?"

"Strategy? I hear no tactics in your words, only madness."

Gilgamesh snorts. "You're one to talk. What were you thinking, sending your Master in ahead of you? You're fortunate I'm such a gracious host."

"My - what?" Saber turns to see Shirou and Rin standing over by the bar. He's holding a Reinforced mike stand at the ready. Rin seems to have acquired his top hat at some point. (Can't blame her - it really works with the dress.) Saber whips around again to see me crouched behind the bike. I give her a small wave.

"So what do you think of my new Servant, Emiya?"

Oh, goddammit. It's Shinji. He steps out by the end of the bar, a gloating smile on his face. Gilgamesh just rolls his eyes and takes a long pull from his wine glass. "Amazing, don't you think?" he says. "That I managed to find another one so soon? Not to mention, one so much stronger than that stupid whore I used to have -"

"What are you doing here?!" Saber hisses to me as he blathers on. "Have you all lost your senses?!"

"That's what we were gonna ask you!" I whisper. "I told you this guy stomped our asses last time, didn't I?! What the hell makes you think you can solo him?!"

"I'm the only one he doesn't want to kill!" Saber growls. "Having to protect you three makes this fight a thousand times harder!"

"Oh. Huh. Yeah, okay, good point." I scratch my head. "Good thing you brought that up at the meeting we all OH WAIT." She snarls and looks away. I glance at her armor. "And anyway - why'd you even ask Rin for another outfit if you were just gonna charge in like this?"

"I was curious, all right?!" she snaps. "I am allowed to be a multifaceted fucking individual!"

Meanwhile, Shinji's still talking. "- wish you'd made an alliance with me? Doesn't it make you want to beg me on your hands and knees? I promise that I might even consider it -"

"Uh-huh," Rin says, sounding bored. "Yeah. Cool story. Hey, did you just say you were this guy's mana source?"

Shinji blinks. "Um..."

"Sweet. Thanks." She lifts her finger and blasts him between the eyes with a Gandr shot. Shinji slumps to the ground. His head still seems to be in one piece, so I presume he's just unconscious.

"Oi!" Shirou gives her an injured look.

"Oh, what?!" she snaps.

"Rin!" I can't help but reproach her myself. Certain things are just unacceptable, you know? "Shoot first, then the one-liner! He's got less time to dodge that way."

Rin shrugs. Shirou shoots me a glare and shakes his head.

Gilgamesh just smirks and snaps his fingers. Shinji disappears in a flurry of bronze ripples. "A suitable jester, don't you think?" he says to Saber. "What he lacks in mana, he makes up in entertainment value. More so than that whelp's father, at least." He motions towards Rin.

Rin blinks. "Wait, wha?"

"But enough talk." Gilgamesh puts his feet down on the floor, his eyes gleaming in a way I find profoundly uncomfortable. "We have unfinished business, you and I. That is why you came here, yes?"

"Erm." Saber glances over at Shirou. "Perhaps -"

"Worry not, my dear." There's something in this guy's smile that makes his teeth look razor-sharp. "I've waited ten years for this moment. I have no intention of rushing things. Kitten?"

There's another flash. One member of the arm candy from last night is standing in between us and Gilgamesh. Not Punk Rock Girl, the other one - the fallen idol with the turquoise streak in her hair. She giggles and waves at us.

"Seriously?" Shirou blinks. "You want us to fight her? She doesn't even have a -"

A steel ball comes out of nowhere and slams into his gut. He reels and falls back against the bar. "... weapon," he coughs. "Never mind..." Yeah, he kinda set himself up for that one.

'Kitten' pulls the ball back to her using a long chain. Oh, crap. I know this thing. It's that one Chinese weapon - two big weights connected by a chain. What's it called again? A dragon's fist? Flying hammer? Something like that. Anyway, she swings the chain over her head, dancing and twirling like a frigging combat ballerina or something. As she does, her appearance shifts and blurs, her features vanishing.

When she finally strikes a pose, chain held ready, I find myself looking at a lithe metallic frame. Small whirring gears and cogs work away within her exposed ribcage, while gold-plated muscles flex over copper bones. Like a living sculpture, or an ornately-carved anatomy doll. Her face is simply a metal skull, with two emerald gems set within her eye sockets.

Holy shit. When he said property last night... he actually meant property.

⇒ i wouldn't jump to any conclusions

"I may not have as many followers as that Iskandar," Gilgamesh remarks, "but I am not without resources."

Bronze ripples spread throughout the abandoned club. All around us, skull-headed suits of golden armor step out into the world. They're all bigger and bulkier than Kitten, covered in metal plates - and armed with blades, spears, clubs, you name it. They also all seem to be wearing the same black t-shirts the club bouncers had on. Rin helps Shirou to his feet. They rush over to join us on the dance floor as the constructs surround us.

"The ussu-u-ussu," Gilgamesh says. "A legion of my finest warriors, their spirits bound within living suits of armor, so that they may guard my treasures for eternity. They've been quite eager to meet you, Saber. They wish to see for themselves whether or not you're worthy of joining them in my service."

We draw back into a circle as the golems approach. Not like I have any clue what to do about the dudes on my side. I glance over at Rin, who's hurriedly digging through her purse. (Probably looking for gems. Why didn't she just keep them in her - oh, right. Dress equals no pockets. Fuckin' patriarchy.) "Now might be a good time for Archer to make an appearance," I mutter to her.

"I... um..." Rin glances furtively back at Shirou. "I didn't bring him."

"You what?!" I just figured he'd been doing his whole invisible man bit this whole time. "Why would you - call him in, then!"

"I'm trying!" she hisses. "He's not answering."

"Well, try harder! Why the fuck wouldn't you bring him?! That makes no sense!"

"You!" Gilgamesh raises his hand.

Oh, balls. He's pointing at me, isn't he. Fuck. "Uh..."

"You look suitably worthless." Gilgamesh looks down on me, without the slightest hint of recognition on his face.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold the phone here.

Does he... seriously not remember me?

Oh, come on, dude! It was just last night! I can't be that unmemorable... I think...

⇒ yeah given the circumstances i wouldn't complain too much

Something grabs my shoulders. Before I can even yell, there's a flash of golden light. The next thing I know, I'm being tossed into the DJ booth.

Shit, what the fuck? Did he just teleport me? I get my bearings - okay, still in the club. There's Saber and the rest down on the dance floor below me, surrounded by the mob of constructs. There's the bar across the room, and Saber's parked motorcycle.

And there's the brass golem standing right fucking next to me in the booth, staring me down with the dead rubies in its eyes. Shit.

"Play something suitable for this dance, mongrel." Gilgamesh pulls out a bottle of wine from beneath the table and tops off his glass. "Choose wisely. If I don't like what I hear, I'll have my warrior disembowel you."

"Um," I say. I glance around the booth. A disorganized pyramid of CDs in the corner. Whole bunch of control boards I know absolutely nothing about. Wireless microphone lying out on the table. Oh wait thank God - there's a laptop. With iTunes already up on the screen, no less. But still... what does he expect me to -

"You have until the count of ten," Gilgamesh adds cheerfully. A nasty-looking serrated blade pops out of the golem's wrist.

Oh, God dammit! I rush over to the laptop and start scrolling down the DJ's immense collection. How am I supposed to - I don't know any of this shit! It's all European crap!

Could kinda use some help here! Any advice?!

⇒ just don't pick anything by the eagles
⇒ people can be real snobs about them for some reason

AGHHH fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuuuuu -

Oh. Hey. There's something.

I glance up. Rin's still messing with her purse. Okay. Deep breath. Let's see if I can buy her a few more seconds.

I seize the microphone and turn it on. "And here we go," I say, trying to make my voice sound as bored and disinterested as I can, despite the pants-wetting terror. Gilgamesh raises an eyebrow. "Welcome back to K-Billy's Super Sounds of the Seventies. We're gonna keep on truckin' with this Dylanesque pop bubblegum favorite from April 1970. That's right, folks. It's Stealers Wheel, with 'Music to Cut Ears To.'"

I double-click the track. The torture scene song from Reservoir Dogs kicks in.

Gilgamesh listens. "... eh. Could be worse," he says. "Congratulations, mongrel. You get to live for another three minutes."

⇒ quick
⇒ queue up 'battle without honor and humanity' while you can

Ooh, they have that? Anyway, that's right about when Rin throws a grenade gem into the middle of the horde. Then it's on.


AUTHOR'S NOTES

Rin's dress here is a trimmed-down version of a cosplay outfit I found rummaging about online, supposedly patterned on her look in FGO. (Though I seem to have mentally added in the gloves from her Kaleid Ruby getup in ataraxia at some point.) If you're curious, it's currently being sold on the Uwowo Cosplay website. Shirou's clothes, on the other hand, is just a straight shout-out to the music video for "Gay Bar" by the Electric Six. Rin's just lucky he doesn't own a fake beard.

I don't think giving Gilgamesh mecha-mooks like I do here is too far outside of his wheelhouse. Guy had a frigging magic airplane in his collection. Besides, what's a king without his servants? (Little-s servants, that is.)

And "Stuck in the Middle With You" technically came out in April 1974, for the record, not 1970. Didn't feel right to have Tom remember the line exactly as scripted, though.