Chapter 3 - Greed and More Greed

Author's note: Hey everyone, I told you I'd be back soon! I don't have much to say, other than—gasp! I forgot to reply to your reviews in the previous chapter! Oh well, that's behind me now. I'll reply to your most recent reviews, and then the hilarity shall ensue! By the way, I'm glad most of you liked the inclusion of the Geico gecko. ;)

VerucaBeyotch, we're getting back to the story, but there are plenty of more jokes ahead!

Turrislucidus, you seem to be the master of witty and clever reviews. I'm not sure if geckos have tenderloins. Maybe I'll Google that next.

MysteriousMaker1185, you'll find out what the first two winners will be like shortly! As for the fake wedding between Chuck and Veru—I mean, the second Ticket winner, you gave me a great idea for a future chapter. :)

JOHNHAMMOND1993, I know what commercial you're talking about. As for your suggestion, it sounds rather compelling, but I haven't seen half the movies and the TV shows you suggested yet. I probably should get on with that.

Sonny April and XXCandyLoverXX, I'm glad you liked the reference to Geico. There'll be plenty of other references in this chapter and beyond.

TheFastFox, that's what this story is here for, to make people laugh! I'm glad I succeeded. Now, on with the story! :)

(Remember, DON'T take this seriously!)

The Baskets decided to turn on the TV, and Mr. Basket changed the channel to CNN to watch the morning news.

"...and we have breaking news!" the news anchor suddenly announced. "Not long ago, Billy Bonga, a world-famous chocolatier, has released five Golden Tickets out into the world, and the winners will participate in a tour of his chocolate factory. The first Golden Ticket has finally been found in Düsseldorf, Germany! Stay tuned for our live report."

A small German town came into view, and white letters that read: "Düsseldorf, Germany" began appearing on the screen.

"There's no WAY that puny town could possibly be Düsseldorf!" Grandpa Gorge cried. "The media's screwing it all up again, I know it!"

As if the news channel was expecting everyone around the world to have the same reaction, the letters were suddenly deleted and replaced with "Shut up".

This caused Grandpa Gorge to mumble, "Fiiiiine..." before returning his attention to the TV, where everyone took in the sight of the first ticket winner.

The lucky winner was an orange-haired boy who was so morbidly obese that he was confined to a mobility scooter. He held a half-eaten Bonga Bar in one hand and a large sausage in the other. He wolfed down the chocolate without any problem before tearing the sausage in half with both hands. He greedily stuffed the first half into his mouth, and once he was done, he did the same with the other half. Once he finished eating the sausage (which didn't take long at all), he smiled in delight and rubbed his belly, which was rounder than a beach ball.

The boy's mother, a plump woman who also had orange hair, was alternating her gaze between her son and the cameras (and drinking from a bottle of beer at the same time), and his father was busy working behind the counter of...a FREAKING BUTCHERY! No wonder the boy was so fat!

The boy then reached his greasy, chocolate-stained fingers into his left pocket, and he pulled out his prized possession: the first Golden Ticket, which had a strip of duct tape in the middle for some reason. After that, he reached into his right pocket, pulled out ANOTHER candy bar, and proceeded to scarf it down with that revolting, chocolate-covered mouth of his.

"My name is Augustus Gloop," the boy said through a mouthful of chocolate. Suddenly, one of the reporters interrupted him.

"Did you say Augushtus Floop?" the reporter asked, and Augustus shook his head. "That's what it sounded like to me."

"No, it's AUGUSTUS GLOOP!" Augustus shouted.

"Please, forgive my hearing!" the reporter shouted back. "I'm getting old, and I'm ready for retirement!"

Meanwhile, the author was laughing maniacally at the argument between Augustus and the reporter.

"This is just too good!" the author said, chuckling softly to himself. "I'm calling him Augushtus Floop from now on!"

Augushtus Floop sighed in dismay, and he faced the reporters while holding his (obviously damaged) Golden Ticket in front of him.

"I vas eating a Bonga Bar," he told everyone, "and I tasted somezhing zhat vas not chocolate. Coconut? Valnut? Or peanut butter? Or sauerkraut? Or bratwurst?" He continued to list all the items that did not taste like chocolate for the next five minutes.

Finally, Augushtus finished the list by saying, "...or bratkartoffeln, or rouladen, or spätzle? So I looked, and I found zhe Golden Ticket! However, I bit half zhe ticket off vithout noticing it at first, hence zhe reason why I had to tape it back togezher."

"How did you celebrate?" another reporter inquired.

"I ate more candy," Augushtus replied.

"Of course," the reporter mumbled to himself, smacking his head. "How could I have been so stupid?"

"And then I ate more candy," Augushtus boasted. "And more candy. And even more candy! MWAHAHAHAAAAA!"

The Baskets had looks of disgust on their faces as they continued to watch the news.

"Told you he'd be a porker," Grandpa Gorge said to Chuck.

"Only four more Golden Tickets left," Chuck said. "I promise, I won't give up."

"Now that they found one," Grandpa Schmoe said, "things will really get crazy."


The next day, the Basket family tuned in to the news to find out that the second Golden Ticket was found in Buckinghamshire, England, by a girl named Verruca Salt.

"This is just in," the news anchor said. "The second Golden Ticket was found in Buckinghamshire, England, by a girl named Verruca Salt."

A text box suddenly appeared on the screen. "THAT'S WHAT THE AUTHOR JUST SAID, YOU DUMBASS!"

"I wish they could stop this nonsense and just reveal that bratty girl already!" Grandma Schmosephine screeched. Thankfully, the scene changed to reveal an enormous mansion that could very well have belonged to any celebrity known to mankind. Apparently, that was not the case, as it belonged to the Salt family.

Inside the mansion, there was a hallway that was so wide that it could have been the garage instead. The hallway was jam-packed with reporters, and at the far end, a young brunette stood with her parents. Thankfully, in terms of looks, the girl was the polar opposite of Augushtus Floop. She looked like she had stepped out of the cover of a fashion magazine, minus her demented smile. In case you're wondering, there were fashion photographers there, but you should have expected that by now.

"Verruca, can you spell that for us, please?" one of the reporters asked.

"V-E-R-R-U-C-A, Verruca Salt," she proudly responded. She turned to glance at the person reading this story right now, and she winked before facing the cameras with that same demented smile.

Verruca's grandp—er, father, decided to take over. Honestly, he looked much too old for the job.

"In case you're wondering, we were going to name her Veruca Salt, with one 'r', but we discovered shortly after she was born that there's already a rock band with that name," he told the reporters. "So we had to add the second 'r' in order to avoid all that legal rubbish. Anyway, as soon as my little girl told me that she had to have one of those Golden Tickets, I started buying all the candy bars that I could lay my hands on. I bought millions—"

"Daddy!" Verruca suddenly interrupted, "I want a Lamborghini!"

"You're not old enough to drive yet," Mr. Salt told her. "Anyway, I bought millions of Bonga Bars. So many, in fact, that I caused a worldwide—"

"I want a Chihuahua! I want an alligator snapping turtle! I want five Rolex watches!"

"Okay, dear, I'll buy you all those as soon as those reporters are outta here." Turning back to the reporters, he said, "I caused a worldwide Bonga Bar shortage, and I found a Golden Ticket within the first day of the contest! Unfortunately, that one turned out to be a bloody fake. My workers at the nut factory shelled the remaining ones until I finally found her a Gol—"

"Daddy, I want an iMac! I want a Korg music workstation! I want another pony! I want a chocolate factory that's fifty times as big as any—!"

"SHUT UP, YOU SPOILED BRAT!" Grandpa Gorge yelled as he watched the scene unfolding before him on the TV. "Switch the channel, please!"

Mr. Basket grabbed the remote and changed the channel, only to hear...

"I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world!

Life in plastic, it's fantastic.

You can brush my hair, undress me every—"

"STOP IT!" Grandma Schmosephine shouted, covering her ears. "That's one of the most annoying songs to ever exist!" She snatched the remote out of Mr. Basket's hand and turned off the TV.

"She's even worse than the fat boy," Grandpa Gorge said. "That brat will get her karma soon enough."

"I'm amazed she hasn't gotten it sooner, since she keeps on blabbering like the Annoying Orange," Grandma Schmosephine added. "Don't ask me how I know about him."

"That's so unfair of her," Chuck said. "She didn't even find the ticket herself."

"That man spoils his daughter to the point that she puts a Barbie doll to shame," Grandpa Schmoe told him. "No good ever comes from spoiling a child like that."

"How ironic that you mention a Barbie doll," Mrs. Basket said, "considering the song that we heard just moments ago."

Meanwhile, all the fans of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory were shouting, "Enough with the small talk already! Let's just get back to the good stuff! At least the 1971 movie isn't full of pointless, boring stuff like this!"

The fans of the 2005 movie yelled back, "Yeah, but at this point, your movie does even weirder stuff that has ZERO SIGNIFICANCE to the main plot whatsoever! Seriously, who wants to watch a middle-aged man operating a computer that predicts the location of the remaining Golden Tickets? NO ONE! And don't forget about that stupid auction, and the totally pointless White House scene! And why the hell is Slugworth playing the role of a villain? This story doesn't even need one! WHAT'S THE POINT OF ALL THIS GARBAGE?"

Grandpa Gorge shouted, "Someone needs to restrain those crazy fanatics already! They're interrupting the story!"

The author silently made a promise that he wouldn't write any more dialogue from the fans, much to their dismay.

"Thank you!" Grandpa Gorge said joyfully, breathing an exaggerated sigh of relief. "Now, in order to carry on with the plot, we'd better find out who the third Ticket winner is ASAP, 'cause I'm getting impatient."

Suddenly, some disgruntled fans of the 2005 movie poked their heads through the window, defying the author's wishes. "Even if it means skipping the AWFULLY BORING scene where Charlie opens his birthday present?" they asked.

"Yes," Grandpa Gorge whispered in an ominous tone. "Even if." The fans cheered and walked away.

"Now," a fan's voice said from afar, "hopefully Mr. Basket won't be sacked from his job like before, because the thought of him working for the Joker is just too awesome to pass up. In the meantime, how 'bout we watch every other Tim Burton film in existence until the third winner is announced?" The fans cheered once more and they walked off into the distance.

Author's note: I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Did you have a favorite part? Also, what do you think the next two winners might be like? You'll find out soon! :)

Note: Credit goes to the dance-pop group Aqua for composing "Barbie Girl" back in 1997. And now I gotta try to get that awful song out of my head. :P