**This chapter kind of jumps from flashbacks to present time without warning, so, my bad. It's also a little choppy, but I like it that way, lol.


You know, I… I've been here for a very long time, and I remember many things.

I remember being at a shoreline, watching a little grey fish heave itself up on the beach, and an older brother saying, "Don't step on that fish, Castiel. Big plans for that fish."

I remember the Tower of Babel… All thirty-seven feet of it, which I suppose was impressive at the time. And when it fell, they howled "divine wrath," but come on, dried dung can only be stacked so high.

I remember Cain and Abel… David and Goliath… Sodom and Gomorrah. And, of course, I remember the most remarkable event.

Remarkable because it never came to pass. It was averted by two boys, a girl, an old drunk, and a fallen angel. The grand story. And we ripped up the ending, and the rules, and destiny, leaving nothing but freedom and choice.

Which is all well and good, except… Well, what if I've made the wrong choice? How am I supposed to know?

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you my story.

Let me tell you everything.


Castiel appeared in the backseat of the Impala, not always an easy feat when it was moving. Both Dean and Piper were in the front seat, strangely subdued.

"Hello, Dean, Piper. Are you all right?"

Piper turned in her seat to smile at Castiel. "Yes, we're… We're fine. How are you, Cass?"

"I just wanted to check in."

There was a beat of silence, and Castiel had just enough time to wonder if it was awkward before Dean spoke. "So, any word on, uh, Satan Junior being alive?"

Had he been human, Castiel thought he probably would have flushed guiltily. As it was, he was able to simply meet Piper's hazel eyes. "I'm looking, believe me. I just don't understand how Crowley could've tricked me."

"He's crafty," Piper comforted. "But it doesn't matter. If he is up and kicking, what does matter is finding him and dealing with him."

"What about you?" Castiel asked. "Have you found anything?"

Dean shook his head. "No, nothing yet."

"Where's Sam?"

"Keeping busy," Piper said smoothly. "He's tracking a djinn in Omaha as we speak. We're headed out there now to meet up with him."

A pang of something dark and lonely welled in Castiel's chest. He didn't like lying to the Winchesters, especially when he wished he could be hunting with them. He wanted to keep them safe, to always be at their sides.

That, however, wasn't an option.

"Well, I'd come if I could."

Piper's eyes widened, and Castiel could see her soul swirling and constricting with emotion. "No, we get it, Cass, no worries. But… You'll call, won't you? If you get into real trouble?"

Castiel didn't know what to say.


When Crowley accused me of having a conflict of interest, he had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters' guardian. After all, they taught me how to stand up, what to stand for, and what generally happens when you do.

When Lucifer smote me, I was… Done. Over. And then, the most extraordinary thing had happened. I was put back, and we had won. We stopped Armageddon. But at a terrible cost.

So I knew what to do next. Once again, I went to Harrow Hell to free Sam Winchester from Lucifer's cage. It was nearly impossible, but I was so full of confidence, of mission. I can see now that was arrogance, hubris… Because, of course, I hadn't truly raised Sam. Not all of him.

Sometimes, we are lucky enough to be given a warning.

When I watched Sam find Dean and Piper's new home, and watched him subsequently walk away. That should have been mine.


In Crowley's lab, Castiel stood strong against the demon's demands.

"I'm begging you, Castiel. Just kill the Winchesters."

"No."

"Fine," the demon spat. "Then I'll do it myself."

A chill shuddered through Castiel's grace. "If you kill them, I'll just bring them back again."

"No, you won't," Crowley sneered. "Not where I'll put them. Trust me."

"I said, 'no.' Don't worry about them."

Crowley's eyes bugged out. "Don't worry about… What, like Lucifer didn't worry? Or Michael? Or Lilith or Alastair or Azazel didn't worry?! Am I the only game piece on the board who doesn't underestimate those denim-wrapped nightmares?!"

The way Crowley was speaking made Castiel even more nervous. "Just find Purgatory. If you don't, we both die, again and again, until the end of time. The Winchesters won't get to you."

"Let them get to me! I'll tear their fucking hearts out!"


Castiel appeared in Bobby Singer's kitchen to see the humans he held so dear arguing.

"Nothing, all right?" Dean snarled. "Told him we were on some crap monster hunt. He doesn't know we're getting close to Crowley. You know, he's our friend, and we're lying to him through our teeth!"

Cass felt his eyebrows raise. They were arguing about him.

"Dean-" Sam began.

"So he burned the wrong bones!" Dean snapped. "So Crowley tricked him!"

"He's an angel," Bobby said softly.

"He's the Balki Bartokomous of heaven! He can make a mistake!"

"Nobody's sayin' anything yet."

Dean jabbed a finger at the older hunter. "You think that Cass is in with Crowley. Crowley?"

"Look," Bobby insisted. "I'm just saying I don't know. Now, look, I hate myself for even thinking it. But I don't know."

"Dean," Sam said placatingly, "he's our friend, too, okay? And I'd die for him, I would, but… Look, I'm praying we're wrong here."

"But if we ain't," Bobby said darkly, "If there's a snowball of a snowball's chance here… That means we're dealing with Superman who's gone darkside. Which means we've got to be cautious, we've got to be smart, and maybe stock up on some Kryptonite."

Dean looked at Piper. "That makes you Lois Lane, kitten," he said weakly, an attempt at levity. She smiled wanly.

Bobby sighed. "Look, one problem at a time here. We gotta find Crowley now, before the damn fool cracks open Purgatory."


So, they already suspected. They were searching for Crowley.

And… Dean, trying so hard to be loyal, with every instinct telling him otherwise. Sam and Bobby, doing their utmost to protect their loved ones.

The worst was Piper. Piper, who had always been so wonderfully, divinely opinionated. Her silence was what hurt the most, the way she quietly sat in the background and watched them argue.


When the Winchesters found their way to Ellsworth, I had to intervene.

If there was a demon counterpart to Bobby Singer, Ellsworth would be it. These demons that the Winchesters had taken captive, they would lead them to Crowley, and Crowley would tear their hearts out.

I had to intervene. I had no choice. I did it to protect them.

Or to protect myself.

I… I don't know, anymore.

Hiding. Lying. Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure.


After supposedly saving Sam, I finally returned to heaven. Of course, there isn't one heaven. Each soul generates its own paradise. I favored the eternal Tuesday afternoon of an autistic man who drowned in a bathtub in nineteen-fifty-three.

I thought it was so simple. So easy.


Rachel frowned at him. "God brought you back, Castiel. He chose you to lead us."

Frustrated, Castiel shook his head. "No, no one leads us anymore. We're all free to make our own choices, to choose our own fates."

"What does God want?"

"God wants you to have freedom."

Rachel tilted her head. "But what does He want us to do with it?"


If I knew then what I know now, I might have said, "It's simple. Freedom is a length of rope. God wants you to hang yourself with it."


Those first weeks back in heaven were surprisingly difficult. Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like teaching poetry to fish.

And then there was Raphael.

He demanded I submit to him, that I swear my allegiance. Even now, I am convinced that it was more to soothe his pride than because I represented a real threat.

But how could I? He wanted to let Lucifer and Michael free again, he wanted to restart the apocalypse. Dean and Piper Winchester had given up so much to keep the world safe, I couldn't discount their sacrifice that way.

I said no.

And I'm not ashamed to say that my big brother knocked me into next week.


Castiel watched anxiously as the Winchesters and Bobby surveyed Ellsworth's house.

"The place is clean," Sam said slowly, suspiciously.

"Yeah, but it's… It's like, 'Mr. Clean' clean, you know? It's kind of OCD for your average demon."

Piper joined them silently in the living room while Sam sighed. "So what now?"

Dean frowned. "We'd call Cass."

"What?"

"This is usually the point where we would call Cass for help."

Bobby sighed. "We talked about this."

"No," Dean snarled, "You talked, I listened. This is Cass, guys. I mean, when there was no one, and we were stuck, and I mean really stuck, he broke ranks. He has gone to the mat, cut and bleeding, for us so many fucking times. This is Cass! Don't we owe him the benefit of the doubt? At least?"

Sam glared. "You know, I don't see you getting up Piper's ass about this, and she hasn't said a damn word."

Dean pointed at Sam. "Keep your fucking mouth off of Piper, Sam."

Piper had already closed her eyes. "Cass, this is really important, okay? We… I really need to talk to you."


But I didn't go to them, to her. Because I knew they would have questions I couldn't answer. Because I was afraid.


Castiel watched as Piper's face gradually hardened into impassivity the longer he didn't reply to her summons. It was surprisingly painful to watch.

"Cass is busy," she said firmly.

Sam scowled. "That's all right. We are, too. Come on."

"Back to square one," Bobby lamented.

"What do we even do now?"

"Well, we caught one hunter demon before. We can do it again."

Before anyone got much further, demons poured into the house, easily and quickly subduing each hunter. The one who had a hand around Piper's throat smiled as his eyes flicked to black.

"Crowley says, 'hi.'"


Crowley sent his very best. I was caught as much by surprise as the rest of them. And it left me with yet another choice. I could reveal myself and smite the demons. Of course, Crowley wouldn't like it. But, on the other hand, they were my friends.


Castiel appeared in the living room and easily took care of the demons.


For a brief moment… I was me again. I was 'Cass,' not 'Castiel.'


Piper, radiating relief, threw herself into Cass' arms. "It is so good to see you." Her voice was muffled by his chest.

He held her close, savoring the familiar contact. "Are you all all right?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah. Perfect timing, Cass."

"I'm glad I found you. I come with news."

Whereas Piper was exuding relief, Dean was exuding smugness. "Yeah? What?"

"I firmly believe Crowley is alive."

Dean snorted. "Yeah. You think, Kojak?" Before Castiel could answer, the eldest Winchester turned to Sam and Bobby. "Well? What do we think about Cass saving our asses? Again?"

Bobby sighed. "I think we owe you an apology."

Castiel frowned, and hoped his feigned confusion was convincing. "Why?"

"We've been hunting Crowley this whole time, and keeping it from you." Sam rubbed the back of his neck.

"We thought you were working with him," Bobby explained.

"You thought what?"

Dean laughed. "It's crazy, right?"

"It's just that you torched the wrong bones," Bobby said, a bit sheepishly. "We… We were wrong."

Piper, who'd stepped out of Castiel's arms, beamed up at him. "You could have just asked me," he said to her.

Dean came to stand behind her and nodded. "And we should have. We never should have doubted you."

"Can you forgive us?" Piper asked softly, hope shining in her eyes.


Wonders would never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie.


"It's forgotten."

Piper's smile was blinding. "Thanks, wings," she said happily.

"Yeah, thanks, Cass."

"It's a little absurd, though."

Bobby waved his hand. "I know, I know."

"Superman going darkside." Castiel hoped he had the right amount of derision in his voice. "I'm still just Castiel."

Dean smiled. "I guess we can put away the Kryptonite, huh?"


Of course, I didn't realize it at the time, but it was all over. Right then, just like that.

How did I not see the shadows in their eyes, the shifting of their feet? Was I so full of myself, so convinced I could not lose, that I thought that I could deceive the ones who knew me best?


When Raphael banished me, I went to the only people I knew could help, I knew would be there for me.

But standing there, watching Dean rake leaves, watching Piper's soul hum contentedly as she readied her home for some arbitrary human holiday, I stopped. Everything they had sacrificed, and I was about to ask them for more.

Could I really do that?

When Crowley approached, maybe I shouldn't have listened. He just made it seem so… Easy. Simple. I was no fool, I knew who Crowley was, what he did. But I was smarter than him, stronger.

I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.


"How about I float you a little loan? Say, fifty large? Fifty thousand souls from the pit. You can take them up to heaven. Make quite a showing. It's either this, or the apocalypse all over again. Everything you've worked for – everything that Sam and Dean and Piper have worked for – gone. You can save us, Castiel. God chose you to save us. And I think, deep down, you know that."


I wish I could say I was clean of pride in that moment… Or the next.


Castiel burst into Ken Lay's heaven, where Raphael had holed up. Without preamble, and before his brother's guards could stop him, he brutally banished the archangel. When the light faded, he turned to look into the faces of the rest of his shocked brothers and sisters.

"There will be no apocalypse. And let it be known. You're either with Raphael, or you're with me."


And so went the long road of good intentions.

The road that brought me here.


"Castiel, uh… We need you for a little powwow down here, so come on down."

Castiel appeared in Ellsworth's kitchen again. "Hello."

Bobby snorted. "Oh, Johnny on the spot."

Castiel tilted his head. "You're still here."

"Yeah, we had to bury the bodies."

"And we found a little whiskey." Dean took a swig of said liquor. "Thanks for comin'."

"How can I help?"

"Look," Sam answered. "We, um. We have a new plan. We think we've finally figured out a way to track down Crowley."

Piper was just staring at Castiel from the corner of the room, her arms crossed across her chest, leaning back against the wall.

"What is it?" he asked.

Bobby lit a match and dropped it on the floor, igniting the ring of holy oil that encircled Castiel.

"It's you."


So they knew.

Dean raged at me for at least half an hour. He shouted about choices, about stupidity, about bedfellows, about deals with the devil. He told me that I could still turn back, that I could still ask them for help and receive it.

Sam accused me of leaving his soul in hell on purpose.

Bobby asked how I had been "tricked" with the wrong bones.

The worst, again, was Piper, who was silent, accusatory, heartbroken.

I had never been so grateful for demons appearing than I was just then. I helped to dispatch them, unwilling to leave the Winchesters and Bobby unprotected, then vanished.


I had to make them understand.


Castiel appeared in the living room of Bobby Singer's home. It was late, the middle of the night.

Piper was standing in front of the window, cradling a steaming cup of coffee close to her chest. Castiel knew that sometimes great emotional turmoil gave her insomnia.

"Hello, Piper."

"How did you get in?" She was whispering.

"The angel-proofing Bobby put up on the house… He got a few things wrong." His voice was apologetic. He felt apologetic.

She hummed and took a sip of coffee. "We'll have to work on that." She didn't turn to look at him. "What do you want, Castiel?"

"I want you to understand."

She just hummed.

"I'm doing this for you," he insisted. "I'm doing this because of you. And Sam, and Dean. You're the ones who taught me that freedom, and free will, that-"

"Why are you working with Crowley if you're doing this for us?" She finally turned to him, and though her eyes were tired and sad, they also to blazed and burned. She was devastated, yes, but she was also betrayed.

"Why didn't you just ask us for help?" she insisted. "We would have dropped everything for you, Cass. You knew that. Why didn't you just come to us?"

"Piper, I… I didn't want to ask you for more. I didn't want to ask you to give up even more."

"That wasn't your call to make," she said coldly.

Castiel didn't know what else to say. The call had already been made, the die cast. "I'm sorry, Piper."

She flinched, and he knew then that he'd said the wrong thing as he watched her face harden up again.

"Then I'm sorry, too."


So, that's everything.

I believe it's what you would call a… Tragedy, from the human perspective. But maybe the human perspective is… Limited.

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you, Father. One last time. Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me… A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don't, I'm gonna… I'm gonna do whatever I…

Whatever I must.


**Feedback gives me the warm fuzzies and keeps me going.
**I don't know why I'm just, like, super fucking proud of this chapter, but I am.