MILK.

After a taxing session of speed and jump training in the steamy midsummer evening sun, Mario trudged into his and his brother's cozy home. Sweat and stench leaked out of his soaked heather training getup, a sign of maximal exertion in the oppressive humidity that made up the typical Mushroom Kingdom summer climate. In contrast to Mario, Luigi was soaking up their home's air conditioning and taking it easy in house wear at their dining table. He kept busy typing away at some laptop-like technological device that Mario had not seen before.

"I think laziness was a good call today," said Mario, wiping at his forehead as he went into the kitchen. "It's nasty outside – even with the sun starting to go down."

"Why should that be any surprise?" said Luigi. "Half of what grows around here is either mold or fungus. Fungi? Which one is it?"

"It's worse than normal," said Mario. "I have to tell Toad that the next session's staying inside and that's that. If he wants to take it outside, I'm not working with him until summer starts waning."

Luigi shrugged as he heard clangs and sounds of cabinets go off. "He likes this weather. You can't blame him. I thought all toads liked this weather."

"But I'm not a toad."

"Then you should've stayed inside."

"We would have, if you showed up like you were supposed to. But because it was just us two, I didn't mind letting him have his way this time. At least he didn't sit in the house all day doing nothing."

"I'm sorry, but I had to set up my new laptop!"

"It takes all day to set one up?"

"I have to let it run through updates and setup protocol, for one. And then I have to personalize it and get its software and files up to par with my old one."

"Why couldn't you just stick with the old one? What was wrong with the old one?"

"That one was over six years old! The charger was going, the keyboard stopped working properly, and the screen was cracked and coming apart at the hinges where it closed! Let me tell ya – I am not getting an FO laptop anymore. FO needs to work on their hardware. The screen should not be without some sort of protection, and the very act of opening and closing a laptop is not supposed to be harmful to the laptop itself either!"

Mario walked back into the dining room with a protein shake in his hands. "Hey, it gave you six good years. You got your money's worth out of it, didn't ya?"

"Yeah, but I had to go without writing for almost a month because of how ridiculous that thing had got. Thankfully, I have multiple backups that I could transfer over to this new one so I can now resume writing proper. It's important to have backups of all your files so that you never lose your work or critical data that you can't replace!"

"Fanfiction is critical data?"

"I did not specifically say that fanfic is 'critical data,' but I certainly can't afford to lose all that I've written! Not in the middle of crucial plot!"

"I don't think anyone would care if all of a sudden, you stopped writing your fanfic. Why don't you write something original?"

Luigi frowned. "I'm trying, but I'm stuck on it. So I'm just gonna keep up with the fanfic, and hopefully, I will get my original writing flowing again."

Mario chuckled and headed for the stairs to their home's top level. "Okay, if that's really what you want to do..."

"There's nothing wrong with fanfic! Millions of people around the world read and write it! From Beanbean to Pi'illo! New Donk to Sarasaland! And about a whole lot more than you might think too! People have done plenty of great works flowering with originality based off of other people's characters! Or other people, for that matter! There's even fanfic of us! I can pull some up! Do you wanna see i-"

"No – NO! No," Mario insisted, hurrying to the top of the stairs. "No. Thank you, but...no!"

"Aw, too bad," said Luigi. "There was this one involving you and Bowser that I thought you'd get a real kick out of."

Mario did not respond, presumably because he was already into the upper level hallway and did not hear Luigi. After stretching out in his chair some, Luigi decided to go get something from the kitchen to drink for himself while his laptop installed a program for him to sync his phone to. He got out a mug and poured a healthy serving of milk from the mostly full gallon jug they had in the fridge. Something about drinking milk on an easy Saturday evening inspired a special feeling of snug relaxation, so much so that he finished off his cup without even realizing it.

Luigi emptied more milk into his cup and looked at the jug of the remaining dairy fluid. Sometimes, the milk in jugs goes down so slow, it looks like it'll never run out, he thought.

Not long after he went back to the dining room, Luigi finished off his cup of milk again. The milk tasted creamier and thicker than usual, maybe because of the fact that he was drinking it on an empty stomach. Luigi figured that he would need to get something to eat soon, but setting up his laptop required too much focus and attention for him to get distracted with food. He still had more files to transfer and more programs to install, and he might finish too late to even want to stay up long enough to eat. Also taking into account his lack of appetite, filling up on milk did not seem like a crazy idea.

So Luigi helped himself to a third and fourth cup of milk, the fourth one being the last one he intended to drink. But upon pouring his fourth cup, the fill height of the gallon jug caught his attention. It seemed glaringly full despite how much of it he thought he had consumed.

Why isn't there a milk diet? Luigi thought. I'm feeling full off of milk, and it seems like I've barely even used that much! I wonder what it would be like to base a diet primarily around milk...


The next morning, Luigi came downstairs and saw Mario making a sky high stack of pancakes. Upon seeing the glorious golden-brown edible tower, the man in green's eyes popped wide-open in delight. He could feel his mouth salivating at the sight.

"Mornin', bro,' said Mario. "How 'bout some of these pancakes to start your Sunday? I've made enough to last close to a whole week!"

"Holy hotcakes, Mario!" exclaimed Luigi. "I'll take six right off that stack!"

"Six?! Unless you're just going to eat those by themselves, you must be super hungry."

"I just want a solid meal! All I had last night was milk!"

"Just milk?"

"Yeah! Well, I had, like, four big cups; and that held me down overnight, but my stomach's feeling really empty now!"

"Four? Those must have been with the smallest cups we have."

"I just said that they were big."

"How big? The milk looked pretty full when I got to it this morning. Are you sure you had four cups?"

"They...what...how could..."

Luigi stopped talking and went straight for the fridge to pull out the gallon jug of milk. To his surprise, its fill level looked no lower than it did from yesterday. Given how many pancakes Mario had made, Luigi figured that the milk had to have lowered at least a little.

"Has this thing gone down at all?" mumbled Luigi, gazing at the jug.

"I was about to ask if you had some special separate milk sitting around in the fridge somewhere," said Mario.

Luigi got a tall glass cup out from a cabinet and poured a small amount of milk into it. He shook the cup around for a few moments, the fluid inside swishing in spirals. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary so far.

Luigi then left the kitchen and returned with a marker that he labeled the milk jug's current fill height with. He poured more milk into the cup until he had filled it up. When he stopped pouring and checked the fill height of the jug, it was the same as it was prior to him pouring milk out.

"Bro! Bro! Are you seeing this?!" Luigi hollered. "Look! Look! This is crazy!"

"What?" asked Mario. "I don't get it."

Setting the jug down, Luigi pulled out seven more glass cups and set them beside the filled first one. Luigi then took the gallon of milk and poured out tiny amounts among the seven new cups on the table. Mario watched him cycle between the cups over and over until, slowly but surely, Luigi had all eight cups filled. When Luigi set the milk jug down, it was still close to full and in line with the mark he had put on it.

"Look! Eight cups-worth!" said Luigi. "Eight cups! This is a one-gallon jug, isn't it?"

"Yes," Mario replied.

"That's supposed to be half of the gallon!" said Luigi. "But there's obviously more than half of a gallon left over!"

Mario raised an eyebrow. "What are they giving these cows nowadays..."

Luigi took one of the glasses and tried pouring it back into the gallon jug. Even though some leaked out around the side of the opening, most of the milk ran back into the jug. Perhaps even more shocking than their initial findings, the fill level of the gallon jug rose some.

"Where'd you get this milk?" Mario asked.

"Where we usually get it," said Luigi. "Kingdom Foods. Last weekend."

"I was wondering why there was so much left over...because a gallon is usually done in about a week... And nothing seemed different about this one?"

"Not that I noticed. The label's still the same, it tastes the same, consistency's the same, price was the same... Should we get another one from there?"

"Why? I mean, if this is basically infinite milk that we've got here-"

"Well, we don't know if this is something that Kingdom Foods is now doing, or if this is just a one-off we lucked out on getting."

"I want to know how this is even possible. We pour out, it doesn't go down. We put back in, it fills up. And how'd it go down the first time, then?"

Luigi shrugged and poured another glass of milk back into the jug, again making the jug's fill level rise. "I feel like we should see if another jug is gonna do this too. We could get a second one from Kingdom Foods; and if the same thing happens with that one, then we should try one from Toad Mart. And maybe one from Shroom Grocery. And if they all are infinite like this, then there must be some new development in the food industry that's allowing for this to happen."

"And if it's just this one that's endless?" Mario asked.

"Then...we broke reality?! Somehow?! Or this is a research experiment that got loose into the public that I drank four cups out of and we now have a huge batch of pancakes consisting of?"


"This is an interesting way to spend a Sunday," Mario said, walking alongside Luigi with a bag holding a new Kingdom Foods milk jug.

"What do you think we should do with our milk if we really are the only ones with an endless jug?" asked Luigi. "Should we open up a business? A restaurant where we sell all kinds of milk-based products? Oh! We should do that! We could call it...'The Milk Bar!' "

"There's already a Milk Bar," said Mario. "A bunch of them. They're more than successful already."

"Then we could call it...'The Milk Fountain!' And everyone can get their fair share out of an all-you-can-drink fountain of milk that we sprout from this jug! Oh no, wait – we could start a charity out of this! We'll travel the world, delivering this most nutritious beverage to all those starving and in poverty! We could have the key to ending world hunger!"

"What about the people who are lactose-intolerant?"

"... We could end some world hunger!"

As the two continued down the Toad Town sidewalk on their way back home, a tall, spindly man in purple and black approached from across a three-way intersection. Waluigi sauntered towards them, holding his phone up over and behind him with a special pole-like apparatus. When he got near Mario and Luigi, Waluigi turned his head to look at his phone's camera.

"Check this out," Waluigi said to the phone. "Here, you can see two very devoted fans of mine. So devoted, they look up to me and try to dress like me. Ha! As if I need any more proof of how big I've made it! I have the best fanbase. Their colors are all wrong and garish, but at least they tried."

"Waluigi? What are you doing?" Mario asked.

"What are you doing?" snapped Waluigi, frowning. "A gallon of milk is hardly a gift worth giving." He looked back at his phone. "These two have got a long way to go before they reach my level of success, as you can obviously see. Remember – if you want to give someone a gift, don't just give them some milk. That's just weird. Plus, you don't know where that milk's been. Which also brings me to another point! You never know just who might be trying to take you out, if you know what I mean." His eyes zipped across the street and at Mario and Luigi before going back to the camera lens as he leaned in close to his phone. "I'm almost certain that the green guy is actually jealous of me. Like, in an obsessive-creepy way."

"I am not jealous of you!" Luigi shouted.

"WHA- HEY! How'd you hear me?!" yelled Waluigi.

"You're standing right in front of us, and you made almost no attempt to lower your voice," said Mario.

"These two behind me?" Waluigi said to his phone. "Mark and Louie?"

"Mario and Luigi!" cried Luigi.

"You might have to watch out for these two," Waluigi continued. "They may seem to be loyal a lot of the time; but if you ask me, it often feels like they're up to something. You gotta be careful, because even your biggest fans could turn out to be your worst enemies."

Mario facepalmed himself. "Again, what are you even doing? Are you making a video?"

"I'm working on my vlog," said Waluigi, rolling his eyes. "Gosh! See, when people love you the way they love me, they want to get a look at what goes on in your life. And what better way to show them what you're up to than to record it so that they can see for themselves? It's like having a paparazzi that doesn't endanger you or breach your privacy, get it? Now, say 'hi' to all my beloved and highly-valued followers, subscribers, chirpers, and dear friends."

"Uh...hi," Luigi mumbled, giving a small wave to the camera.

"A little more enthusiasm would get you a long way, Luis," said Waluigi. "I might have to cut this part with you and Marty out if you don't stop boring everyone! Sheesh! What's with your lack of personality? No wonder you can't get any sponsors! You try and ask for a deal, and they'll be all like, 'WAH! Beat it, losers!' "

"I'm almost afraid to ask what you're doing for this vlog for us to run into you here," said Mario.

"I'm glad you asked, Moreno!" said Waluigi. "For this episode, I'm showing them around one of my favorite places, Mushroom Kingdom. So far, we've been to Moonview City, went across Moonview Highway into Mushroom City, and, just recently, we've commuted into Toad Town by way of hopping aboard the new and always reliable Wiggler Rave Trolley imported from the north – the world's fastest and only system of trolleys that can function as both a street train and a party bus, Wiggler Rave Trolleys are sweeping the globe and are the hottest up-and-coming innovation in transportation with fun and style, so make sure you get online and order a yearly membership with the special promo code 'WAH2K' for a monumental 64% discount on the initial sign-up fee – Wiggler Rave Trolleys, the one bus you'll never want to get off of. They'll get ya where you need to go, and you'll enjoy the trip too. Join the community today, before you end up on a waiting list...because there will be a wait list! Anyways, we then stopped at the Fabbrica Della Casa Della Cialda e Della Cheesecake pour quelque crêpes avec des oeufs brouillés et un gâteau au fromage de carotte, and we are now en route to Toad Town City Square – or, as I like to call it, Toad Town Town Center – to check out that gorgeous outdoor mall. Then, they'll get to see one of the studios where I record the WAHcast!"

"The WAHcast?" said Luigi.

"It's a podcast!" exclaimed Waluigi. "That's what people do in the 21st century! Get with the times, chumps! What, you wanna live in a cottage with oil lamps and record players your whole life?! The world don't work that way anymore!"

"I was setting up my laptop just yesterday..." mumbled Luigi. "Touch screen...and...64-bit...yeah..."

"What are you punks supposed to be doing anyways?" Waluigi asked. "You're telling me you went out just to get a single gallon of milk and nothing else? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"We're doing an experiment!" Luigi happily replied. "See, we've got some special milk jug that we're trying to figure out if we're actually using up, so we're going to pour it and this other milk jug into cups and take several measurements on the milk height level of each jug in between pours!"

Waluigi stared at the two Mario Bros as if they had sprouted wings out of their hats. He shook his head and looked back at his phone's camera. "You see these two here? This is how not to do things. You don't want to end up like them. They're what we call 'weirdos.' "


Mario and Luigi got home and readied both jugs of milk – the jug presumably infinite in capacity, and the newest one they had just bought. While Luigi filled a measuring cup up with the first jug, Mario filled an equal-sized measuring cup with the second one. Both measuring cups had a capacity of two pints, which should have made a noticeable impression in either jug. As expected, the one Mario poured from did not lose any of its fluid volume. On the contrary, Luigi's jug lost a quarter of its milk.

"That's the only one," murmured Luigi.

"I can't believe this," Mario said under his breath, staring at the jug in his grip. "We have unlimited milk... And no one else does."

"Should we test something else, just to be sure? Maybe it has something to do with the fat... How about we get whole milk, and skim, and one percent? Or two percent? What if we got chocolate milk? Or strawberry? Wait – does the flavor matter? Er – should it matter?"

"No – this is definitive proof right here. Something – I don't know what – happened along the lines between the time this milk got created to the time it made it here into our fridge."

"Or before the milk was made. Like, genetic modification led to infinite milk-"

"How did they even get it into the jug?" Mario wondered aloud. "Why doesn't it just keep expanding? How does it not go down – does that milk taste any different from yesterday?"

Luigi took a swig out of the cup containing the special milk. "Nope, it's the same."

Mario put a hand to the side of his head. "This is so incredible... No, this is surreal. I just...I'm trying to wrap my head around how this could have happened, or how this even makes any kind of sense! But this is just- this is crazy! This is beyond crazy! We have unlimited milk! Unlimited milk that it doesn't seem like anyone else has! We need to get this out into the open! This could be the discovery of the millennium! Oh, we have to at least tell Peach and Toad about this first before anyone else-"

"Wait a minute, Mario!" hollered Luigi, getting anxious with his body language. "Do you realize what we have? We have the edible equivalent of gold right here. An endless supply of milk? How much could that be worth? Thousands? Millions? Billions?! We have to keep this protected! If anybody finds out that we have this, we could become targets! Rogue bounty hunters, thieves, burglars, raiders, gangs, mafia, the government; they'll be after either us, and our milk! We have to keep this a secret, and it has to be the best kept secret of all time! No one must know what we have! We can't take that risk!"

"But, Luigi-"

"We can't let anyone know about this! There might be people onto us right now as we speak! We could be in terrible danger, or we could be being watched without even realizing it! There's no way we can tell anyone about this! Not yet! We could be endangering ourselves and others if we let this discovery slip. No one can know-"

"Oh, come on, bro-"

"NOBODY! Not even...Miyamoto..."

Both Mario and Luigi went wide-eyed, their stares darting all around the room in every direction. After a frantic bout of head turning and body twisting, they calmed themselves and redirected their attention towards the jug of infinite milk in Mario's hold.

"Then let's make a decision on what we should do with it," said Mario.

"Bro, I'm scared," said Luigi. "Maybe we should just return it...or throw it away. Maybe this is too much for modern-day society to handle, and we should destroy it before it gets into the wrong hands..."

Mario sighed. "You just psyched yourself out way too much. I'm sure we can do something productive with this. We just need to figure out what the best thing to do with it would be."