Chrys stared at the little closet in her room, pain reverberating through her.

Her emotions had come back full force, and she couldn't control them. She was so far down she didn't know how she'd ever come back up. The littlest things set her off. The day before, a tall, muscular man had come into the bar. And even though his hair was cropped short and his eyes were grey, she'd had to excuse herself. For a moment, her heart had been certain he was Sam.

And now, it was her skirts.

… God, you're perfect. The way you move in those damn skirts…

She couldn't get Sam's words out of her head. Or the way his hand would rest on her hip. The way he'd bunched those same skirts up around her and bent her over more pieces of furniture than she could count. Or the loving way he'd press a kiss to her forehead afterwards…

She whimpered low in her throat and fought the grey depression trying to overwhelm her.

This has to stop.

She didn't want to spend the rest of her life avoiding things that made her think of Sam. Not only did that essentially exclude her from doing anything at all, she liked thinking about Sam. She just wanted to think of him fondly, not in a puddle of tears.

Something's gotta give.

Decision made, she began taking skirts off of hangers.


Dressed in leggings and a tunic, which was the most Chys was willing to compromise to avoid jeans, she sat at the kitchen table, surrounded by Kevin, Serene, and a somber Jesse.

"I don't understand where this is coming from," Kevin said, clearly trying to control his temper. "I mean, I thought you were doing well here."

Chrys sighed. "I am, Kev. But I can't stay here."

He shook his head. "Why?"

This is why I left a note last time, jackass, she thought, though it was without venom. She understood his frustration, she just didn't know if she could explain it.

"Chrys, baby," Serene said softly, "We're just trying to get what's happening."

Chrys took a deep breath. "Look, my life has been dictated by Lucifer. And then Sam came along, and my whole world was wrapped up in him. Now that they're gone, I don't know who I am. I need…" she took another deep breath. "I need to figure out who I am when I'm by myself. And I can't do that if I'm here."

Kevin opened his mouth, but Serene put a hand on his arm to stop him. Her eyes were filled with tears, but she looked understanding. "Okay, Chrys," she said softly. "What do you need from us?"

Chrys smiled humorlessly. "Nothing, I think that's the point."

"Everything will be okay," Jesse, who had been silent most of the conversation, said suddenly. He gave Chrys a tremulous smile, but the tears in his eyes had her up and around the table, pulling him into her arms, before he could speak again. He buried his face into her shoulder and wrapped his arms tight around her neck. "It'll be okay, Chrys," he said softly.

She held him, rocking back and forth gently. "What makes you say that, babe?" She was never sure if it was his natural childhood optimism, or something more powerful at work when he said something like that.

"I just have a feeling."


Two weeks later, on her own for the first time in her life, Chrys started to discover things about herself.

She found out that she was a little bit of a nester when it came right down to it. She had gone to a thrift store for furniture, and came out with several soft blankets, sheet sets, a big bed, and a sofa that she sank into when she sat in it. She also purchased several prints of classical art and hung them around her little apartment, making it feel like someone actually lived there.

She discovered she wasn't a fan of new movies, but was seriously into old movies and television shows.

She discovered that she did have a knack for cooking, a fact that she was certain would amuse Sam to no end, had he been alive to discover it with her.

She discovered how much easier it was to move around in leggings and tunics, and wondered why she'd worn long skirts for so long.

Chrys still didn't know who she was, but she was making progress, so she left it at that and was content.


She was staring at the mirror, braiding her long hair and letting her mind wander.

Sam loved my hair.

It hung down past her waist now, the soft waves almost pulled straight by the sheer weight of it. As she ran her fingers through it, she realized it was probably time for a trim. Starting to look a little ragged.

But when she thought about it, when she really thought about it, she wondered if she wanted to stop at a trim.

Maybe it's time for something new.


She considered chopping it all off with a pair of scissors, but since this wasn't a goddamn movie montage, she went to a salon instead.

"God, it's beautiful," Alyssa, her new hairdresser, breathed out, letting the hair spill through her fingers. She met Chrys's eyes in the mirror. "You're sure about this? You're not gonna try to sue me, or beat me up in the parking lot when it's all over?"

Chrys laughed. "Yeah, yeah, I'm sure. I, uh, I need a change."

Alyssa clicked her tongue sympathetically. "Bad breakup?"

Something in Chrys stilled and wanted to cower and cry and run, but she tilted her head up and shook her head. I'm done running. "No, um… My boyfriend died," she said softly, "and he loved it. And since he's gone, I just-… I can't keep looking at it." Chrys hated the tears in her eyes.

Alyssa, however, just smiled sadly. "Say no more, dear. Let's get you a new look."


That night, Chrys went into work with some trepidation.

Her head felt weird. It had been a very, very long time since Chrys had had what could be considered short hair. It had been even longer since any of it had been dyed.

But now she was sporting dark waves cut into layers, the longest of which cut off just above her shoulders. Alyssa had also talked her into dying the bottom half of her hair a deep cerulean blue, a shade that almost matched her eyes. Chrys had fallen in love with it the moment she'd seen it, and had thanked Alyssa profusely.

But it still felt weird. And she was suddenly worried what a certain redheaded barkeep would think.

Chrys had been dancing around the way Bella made her feel for weeks. She wasn't nervous about the fact that Bella was a woman, Chrys rolled with the punches of her sexuality rather well. She'd never felt that way about a woman before, but if she really thought about it, she would have put herself more in the category of "Sam-sexual" than anything else. So Bella being a woman didn't bother Chrys at all.

What did bother her was her nerves.

She walked in, anxiety making her stomach clench and her heart beat hard.

Cara, one of waitresses, squealed. "Oh. My. God. Chrys, you look amazing!" She ran around the bar and immediately started playing with the ends of Chrys's hair.

Chrys couldn't keep the smile off of her face. "Um, thank you. Just… Needed something different."

"Chrys?"

The soft, lovely voice had Chrys's eyes widening. She turned slowly to look down at Bella, whose own eyes were pretty wide. "Oh, wow," Bella said softly. "You look great!"

Relief flooded through her, and Chrys grinned again. "Thank you."

And for some reason it took Bella saying it to make Chrys start to believe it.


It took a couple more weeks, and in the end, it was Bella who did the asking.

"Chrys! We almost finished up?"

Chrys turned and gave Bella a smile. "Yeah, just got done." Chrys was finishing the inventory report, something she'd volunteered for in what she suspected was an extremely awkward attempt to spend more time with Bella.

Fuck it, at least it worked.

Bella smiled. "You're a rockstar, Chrys." A moment of silence passed, and Chrys had turned around to finish the paperwork when Bella spoke again. "Hey, do you want to come to lunch with me?"

Chrys flushed and closed her eyes, nerves making her hands tremble. "Yeah! That sounds great!" Ugh, I sound like a Valley girl. Kill me now.


Bella Pangborn was very, very glad to see Chrys relax a little during lunch. She took them to a cute little diner that she was very fond of, and they ended up having a lovely time.

Bella was entranced by Chrys. Her delicate features, her wide blue eyes, that dark, wavy hair, now with the touch of blue at the back. Chrys was absolutely gorgeous, and Bella was enamored with her already.

But there was a deep well of something indefinable in her eyes, and Bella was determined to figure it out.

"Chrys," she said softly toward the end of the meal, leaning forward on the booth. "I hope you're picking up the vibe that I don't just want to be friends."

The deep red flush that appeared on Chrys's cheeks just made Bella want her more. "Um, yeah, yeah, I got that vibe," she said softly, her melodic voice sending shivers up and down Bella's spine.


Chrys managed to pry her gaze away from her hands to look Bella in the eye again. She also managed to put a smile on her face. Ah, fuck, I'm nervous. "I want that, too." she said softly.

Bella's eyes lit up, and her pretty smile got wider. "Good," she said just as softly.

Before the conversation could go further, the door dinged open. Out of habit, Chrys's eyes flicked to the door, then widened.

The man standing there was tall, with hair that brushed his collar. He looked nothing like Sam, other than his height and the length of his hair, which was actually as red as Bella's. He was pale instead of tan, thin and wiry instead of muscular.

But it made her heart ache, anyway, and she realized that, no matter how much she liked Bella, she couldn't do this to her.

"But I don't think we should," Chrys said softly.

Bella frowned, her green eyes flashing hurt. "Why?" she asked, turning to stare at the man who had just come in. "What happened? What's wrong?"

Chrys sighed and ran her hand through her hair. "Bella, I'm in no shape to do anything even resembling dating right now. I want to, I do, but I want to be fair to you."

Bella frowned harder. "Isn't that up to me to decide? What is and isn't fair to me?"

Chrys shook her head. "It is, I know it is, but you don't understand. I'm… I'm not just in no shape to date, Bella, I'm barely in shape to be around people. The guy…." She swallowed hard. "Sam, the one who died, he… That really fucked me up. I'm barely hanging on."

Bella tilted her head and stared at her for a long time, until Chrys felt compelled to add, "I'm no good, Bella. I'm empty, I have nothing in me to give you."

Bella smiled softly and reached across the table to take Chrys's hand. "Well, then let me help fill you up."


That night, Chrys was awash in emotion.

The first was elation. Bella wants me. Chrys couldn't remember the last time someone had wanted her. Tom, of course, but that had been a mess, and had never been an actual option. And then Sam… But Sam was her soulmate. They had been coerced into wanting each other. She wasn't sure if she should count that.

But Bella. Lovely Bella, with her short, curvaceous body, her long red hair, her bright green eyes. Bella, with her easy laugh and her casual touch and her quick smile. Bella, lovely Bella, she wanted Chrys. It boggled her.

The other emotions, however, the stronger emotions, were much less enjoyable.

There was grief, for Sam, for the love of her life, the other half of her ragged, torn soul, gone forever. Trapped in a cage with Lucifer, who she knew too well would tear her lover apart over and over again. Oh, Sam, my poor Sam.

There was guilt, also for Sam. It hadn't even been a year, they were still coming up on the six month mark. Was it normal to want someone this early? Was it okay to want someone this early? Was she betraying Sam?

But… Sam's not coming back. And Dean said to go for it, surely Dean is the benchmark for moving on…

In spite of that thought, she cried herself to sleep that night.


Chrys had the next day off, so she slept in. When her phone rang, she cracked an eye open and flipped her hand around in the sheets for it. When she found it, the name on the screen made her heart flutter a little. After a moment of careful consideration, she answered. "Bella?"

"Are you still asleep?" her laughing voice asked.

Chrys groaned and burrowed back into the covers. "Maybe. What's up?" She thought for a moment, then, "If Mike called in, I will violently murder him myself."

Bella's tinkling laugh made Chrys's heart flip flop again. "No, no, this isn't work related." There was a beat, then, "Look, Chrys, last night was really tense, and I didn't mean it to be. I was wondering if I could make it up to you?"

Chrys blinked. "You don't have to make anything up to me, Bella. It was nice. I just had a moment there."

"I know, and I feel bad. Please?"

Chrys wrestled with herself for a moment. "What do you have in mind?"


**The next couple of chapters may feel a little rushed, so I'm sorry about that. But they are a little rushed, because really the only action is described. The rest of the time, Chrys is just living her life.
**"Since this wasn't a goddamn movie montage," is one of my favorite lines I'very ever written.
**Feedback gives me the warm fuzzies and keeps me going.