Chapter twenty two - A painful goodbye

No, you are not...cool...

KR: I AM COOL! ALWAYS!

Fine..I think you are cool...just not always...

KR: Oh really? But you think I'm sometimes...cool?

Yeah.

KR: That's surprising...like when?

Like when you showed me...a different..way better life...past...childhood...whatever...

KR: That was cool...?

Yeah.

KR: But you didn't want to stay there...in fact we can like just go back there now...

No, I want the truth...and Rey. She doesn't exist in the dreamworld. She wasn't born yet...

KR: Of course...Rey. How could I forget about her...? So difficult...fine here is the...no wait...this is not the truth.

It's not?

KR: It's complicated. But it's the real ending on your false memory...dream whatever...

Okay...can I get the truth-truth after that?

KR: I guess...I don't know how any of this works...

Didn't you just make up a whole fake reality...?

KR: Yeah...but that was just because your mind desired it...I can't do anything, that isn't already in your brain.

You can't?

KR: No, I can only mix your memories, dreams...nightmares...you are the one controlling everything...

I'm in control...?

KR: For once...

Forever...

KR: Whatever, let's just get going...ready...?
I was born ready...I think...

KR: Right...here it comes...


Little Ben had no idea how much time had passed as he waited in the Falcon. He must have fallen asleep. It was pitch dark outside.

"Ben, come out and say goodbye." His uncle called this so sweetly that Ben was tricked into getting out of the Falcon, though he most wanted to hide in there until they had left the academy...for good.


You don't have to play it from the beginning...

KR: Fine I will go to the horrible, horrible part!


"Can we go home now?" Ben peered outside and was shocked to see his father's horrified expression. "Dad! What's wrong?!"

His father looked ashen, frozen like after he had been scolded harshly by Ben's mother and the sight scared him, since Ben didn't know anyone could make his father look like that except her.

A protective instinct rose up in him, so despite his better judgement to not leave the safety of the Falcon, he ran outside, shook his little fist at his uncle and shouted at him from the ramp. "What did you do to him! I am warning you I will burn this place to the ground if you won't let me leave!" He stamped his little feet on the ramp in pure rage.

"BEN!" His father's angry shout startled Ben to the core, though at the same time he was relieved that his father showed some life...too bad he did that to berate him.

"Apologize now. You never say...or do things like that...no matter how angry...you are," reprimanded his father him and looked shocked to see that amount of anger in him.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean that...I'm sorry..." Ben backtracked, hung his head in shame, but his uncle sighed and said: "I know, child. But you must control your feelings..."

His uncle turned to his father with a knowing look. "I told you that there was still way too much darkness in him."

"I know..." His father looked crestfallen, as if Ben has just ruined every chance of him ever getting away from there.

Ben felt cold when he saw the hopelessness in his eyes. "No, I didn't mean that! It was Kylo. It wasn't me!"

"Son..." his father looked torn and checked to see if his uncle had changed his mind.

"Please..." begged Ben, both his father and uncle.

"I'm sorry. It is for his future...and the galaxy. You understand what you must do," said his uncle sadly.

"I do." His father picked Ben swiftly up from the ramp and carried him away from the ship.

"No, no, no!" Ben kicked and hit him in the vain attempt to get loose or make his father turn back.


KR: I can stop here.

Carry on...to the end...

KR: Fine, don't come crying to me!


Despite his son's violent protects, his father carried him all the way over to his uncle, far away from the Falcon. "Calm down, breathe...I will come back for you when you have gotten ridden of the darkness. I promise..." like he's trying to convince himself as much as Ben. "I promise."

Ben grabbed tighter onto him, he felt as if he was playing, the ground is lava and that if he touched the ground everything would be over.


KR: You can still stop this...my offer still stands...

No...


"When will that be? Why can't I just go home now? I promise I will be the best kid in the whole galaxy! I will do all my chores...homework...I will even be a senator! Please don't leave me! I want to come home!"

When his father didn't answer his pleas, Ben turned to his uncle and shouted over his father's shoulder: "I hate you!"

"Ben..." his uncle shook his head with sorrow. "This is not helping..."

"I will run away! I will get lost in space! I wreck the galaxy! You will all regret this!"

His father kneeled down and embraced him tightly. "Shush, my little bandit...you will be home sooner than you think. Be good, kid...one day this will all be over...but until then please, promise me to stop trying to ruin your uncle's...I mean your master's academy. Absolutely no burning it to the ground...there is no need for that...same with wrecking the galaxy, you know your mom wouldn't like that...and it's strictly forbidden to run away! We never want to lose you. I will come for you again...I promise...you just have to wait a little bit longer...my precious son."

"I don't understand...why can't I just come home now? How will any of this help me get rid of the darkside?" begged Ben and his father turned to his uncle.

"Luke, you cannot tell him the truth."

"I won't," said his uncle solemnly, as if he had sworn some kind of an oath.

"Truth? What truth?" asked Ben.


KR: I know, there is only one truth...

I don't think I want to hear this...

KR: And that is that Darth Vader was the most awesomest...wait is that word?

You really are an idiot...

KR: No you are...you chose this instead of the other cool and nice ending! For you, I mean.

I chose the truth.

KR: But this is all a lie...

The outcome is still the truth...right?

KR: I guess...


"One day you will get to know it...one day you will understand...when you are older...much older. Can you promise me to be good until then?" His father ruffled his hair.

"Will you get me if I am good?" asked Ben hopeful and his father nodded and went into his pocket to fetch something.

"Yes...the minute the darkness is..completely gone from you, I will get you back." He handed him a red lollipop.


A kriffing lollipop...like that would make anything better...

KR: Don't be triggered...


Ben felt that there was some light left, some hope, which he held fast onto as he accepted the candy. "Okay...dad...I promise...no more ruining the academy...or burn it...or wrecking the galaxy..."

"And running away?" asked his father, as if that promise mattered the most to him and grabbed onto his hand before Ben could unwrap the candy, who nodded sincerely.

"I won't."


I don't remember having promised that...I don't remember any of this...except in a dream...I thought this was all a dream...then why is this so real? Why can I remember this...and yet my mind denies that this is the truth? And at the same time wished it...rejects it...wants it...though I want the other world more... I think I even remember the taste of that kriffing lollipop! It was a different taste than the one Chewie gave me earlier...why can I remember that...? What a stupid detail...

KR: Vivid...or crazy imagination? Which means you could still make up and go back to your dreamworld...

Rejected.


"Good boy...love you kid." His father unwrapped the candy for him and Ben put the lollipop in his mouth.

"Love you dad...please say hi to mom from me...and Threepio. I...really miss them," Ben mumbled around the candy and smiled despite his sadness.

"I know kid. I will do that...be strong." His voice was on the verge of breaking so the words seemed to be directed at himself than his child in his arms, who was showing considerable strength in light of all things.

"Han...you have to let him go," said his uncle softly, as if speaking that way would soften the blow of their farewell.

"Please...just a few more minutes," begged his father.

"Han..." said his uncle.

"I know...in case this doesn't work, I left my number with your uncle...or you can just contact me to tell me how your day went," said his father softly.

Well, that part definitely is fake. I never got his number!


KR: Of course not...and all of this is fake, remember...

All of it?

KR: All of it.


++++
"Okay..." little Ben nodded and sucked his candy, seemly without a care in his world.

"Please call...every day," said his father and Ben nodded again.

"Of course."

His father, who didn't seem to believe him, frowned at him. "I mean it, we want to know everything about you. You know that.

"Yeah." Ben was gone into his own happy world, so he wouldn't break down in tears again or try to stop his father from leaving. Nothing existed except him sucking the lollipop. Nothing bad was going to happen. He was stuck in his own..fantasy world, where nothing could go wrong.

"Ben...are you really listening to me?" barked his father at him.


Why is dad pestering me like this...? Wasn't he the one who left me to my own devices for twenty years...?

KR: It's fake, remember...

Oh...right...still weird...bit out of a character for him...

KR: Maybe...


"Han," said his uncle with great difficulty and bit of annoyance that he was stalling like this. "He's in good hands. I will protect him." He smiled encouragingly and gave his father's shoulder a comforting pat on the shoulder.


Well, you didn't! YOU FAILED ME! AND EVERYONE!

KR: I can still kill him...

NO! I will just...shout at him when we meet next time...in the far...far away future...

KR: I would at least punch him...

That doesn't sound so bad...but I will take care of it...myself...

KR: I can never do anything fun...

Nope.


His father sighed tiredly like the fate of the whole galaxy rested on his shoulders. "I know, goodbye...son."

He gave Ben a goodbye kiss, on top of his head, stood up at last and gave him a curt nod, but then he reached for him, like he either wanted to give him one last cuddle or kidnap him. Somehow he managed to resist the temptation, as he clenched his fist and walked into the Falcon, without looking back.

Ben, who had so far managed to stay strong thanks to the soothing sucking of the lollipop that worked like a pacifier, stiffened when he heard the thruster go off and his eyes widened in horror when he saw the ship lift off. All of a sudden the cold reality came crashing back as he seemed to wake up from a dream...or a nightmare.


KR: Your chance for a better life is slipping through your fingers...

I know...


"No!" Ben ripped the soothing lollipop out of his mouth, and threw it into the wet grass so he wouldn't choke on it as he ran after the ship. "Come back!" He sprinted after the ship as it ascended higher, like he was trying to reach after it. "I changed my mind! Please come back! Please don't leave me!"


"I promise I will come back for you sweetheart," said an unknown voice suddenly, like from a another...similar memory...

"NO! Come back!" shouted a little girl's voice desperately.

"Quiet girl!" said Unkar Plutt?


Is that...Rey's memory?

KR: Probably...?

Why is her memory getting mixed up with mine?

KR: You most likely think about her...way too much...

It's never too much...in fact it's too little...in here I have hardly thought about her...

KR: Why do I even bother?

Is she here...? Why is her memory here...? I wonder if I follow the memory-trail, that I can get to know more about her...to help her I mean...

KR: IT'S YOUR BRAIN NOT HERS!

If she allows me, I can take a peek at her mind and try to find more out about her family...

KR: If I were you, I would be more worried about what is happening to your own family!

Oh...right...this sucks...so much...

KR: Welcome to the reality...or erm...some truth...it's still false though...but the outcome is still the same, so...not that much of a difference...I think...

I will be the judge of that!


After the ship disappeared into the sky, little Ben threw himself down and wailed like his heart had been cut out and clawed at the wet ground like he was trying to escape through it. The lollipop lay ruined in the grass.


My...lost...childhood...

KR: So you were speaking the truth...the candy really does represent that...

I always speak the truth, unlike someone...

KR: I always speak the truth...

Yeah, right...

KR: As you know it...

Know it? So this is a real one? A memory I mean...?

KR: Or rather how you remember it...but memories can also be false...like this one...

Like this one...why am I remembering a false memory again? Why was Rey's memory here...?

KR: Beats me...I never understood how your mind works and I life here...or well I just work here...

A volunteer work then...

KR: Maybe...but you made me remember...

I don't remember that...which makes it untrue...

KR: Strange logic...


His uncle embraced little Ben awkwardly and allowed him to cry on his shoulder while he said in a soothing voice: "It's okay Ben...everything is going to be okay..." He rubbed his back and hoisted him up into his embrace. "Let's get you back to bed...you have a long day tomorrow, writing an essay about how to control your temper and you also have to rewash all these robes..." He carried him away from the scene of the night. "Everything is going to be okay...this was all just one...bad dream...my little padawan...my chosen one...my son..."


Chosen...one...? Wait...son?! What the?! What's he blabbering about...?

KR: Your uncle was...no is a fool...why didn't he just allow you to go home? I don't care if that memory is false, he still didn't allow you to go home in real life, even though obviously you were not the chosen one. Only our awesome grandpa was the real chosen! And who says there has to be a chosen one? It's so overdone! Anyways, then you would have lived a different life...you saw that. A happy life...but of course I wouldn't have awakened so..but I will kill him for you...are you okay? You look kind of white. I knew this was a bad idea!

White? I'm just a voice in here...I think...but yeah...I'm okay...I didn't realize it would be million times worse to see this...after the..good..no great ending...even though it was overloaded with sugar... and no confusion...or well mild ones...

KR: Right...so..? Go back there...? I can add Rey if you want...?

However, I prefer the truth, it's part of me, of who I am...

KR: You can change who you are...who you become...became...

Let me finish! Even though I can't argue with uncle being a fool, I don't want you to kill him...not even for me...please don't do that. He is family after all...just a little on the thick side...but we all kind of are...this family...that is...what did he mean by...son? Did he mean anything by that...?

KR: I have no idea. This is all false, remember and no matter the truth, I still want to kill him and more importantly Vader would still be our granddad, so no change for me! However, if you would find out you were adopted...that would be a whole other story!

Of course, you only care about Vader...

KR: ONLY?!

I must be misremembering anyway. Didn't you say this memory was false? What was up with that strange dream-like memory? It felt so..real. And that ending was awfully close to Rey's memory of being abandoned by her family...

KR: I call that plagiarizing...

No, most likely her memory just mixed up with my own...You heard it...it was hers! She must be in here!

KR: That's not possible...we would have seen her already...no one can hide so well...inside someone's head! Mind you!

That's too bad...I really wish she was in here with me.

KR: So you plan on staying...?

What, no! That's not what I mean...I have to go back...I know it will be hard...and seeing all this makes it even harder...

KR: How so?

I mean dad never came back for me...the promise about coming back when I got rid of the darkside was from before...he sent me away...wasn't it? You said this was false..and uncle told me he never came...he told me...it was just a dream...wasn't it?

KR: It's a dream...

Yet it felt so real...that promise...when...and why did he say that? Why did he not just bring me back? Why was uncle so mad to see dad? I thought he would be so glad to get rid of me...considering the damage I had been doing to his academy so he would send me away...which never worked...dad never showed up...I only remembered uncle punish me and make me rewash the Jedi robes...so why this memory? Or dream? False memory? Is it trying to tell me something?

KR: Obviously...

What then? What did uncle mean by I couldn't leave...? How was that supposed to help me get rid of the darkside? What truth was dad talking about? Vader being my granddad? Well, that truth kind of turned me to the darkside...or well more the consequences that said truth had for my family...not to mention the fact that if I had got dad's number, I would have just called him in a heartbeat and begged him to take me home!

KR: You clearly made this memory up from scratch in denial that your father abandoned you all these years...

You think so?

KR: Trust me...I know a fabrication of a memory when I see one...I'm in your brain after all. I just showed you what I am capable of...creating fake realities...

I will never trust you...did you create Rey's memory...?

KR: No, I'm not obsessed with her! Like certain someone...

I'm not obsessed...more like worried...I left her behind...

KR: It's not like she's alone...she's with your father, Chewie, the important but annoying droid, the traitor and the rebel scum. Or are you worried that the traitor will make a move on her...in your absence...so to speak?

That is worrisome, but I'm more worried about how I promised her to find her family. I can't break that promise. I will not break it. So, please, no more memories...or dreams...I just want to go back...to the painful reality...back to...my...erm Rey...and family. Mom would kill me if I didn't come back...she's waiting for me...to come home...

KR: True, but you can't go back yet...you still need the real truth...you asked for it remember...

Okay, but can you please cherry pick some...nice memory this time? Real memory...and make it quick!

KR: I'm afraid not... I already offered you much better world...now it's time for the pain...

Urgh...you suck! More pain?!

KR: Hey, I'm just a messenger...please don't kill the messenger...you need this...trust me...pain helps you heal...

Does not! I don't need more misery, thank you very much. I have had enough of it!

KR: But, you asked for the truth and since you insist on being so stubborn. Here at last you will see why all of this was just a dream...thanks to a very cool memory, that happened the day after you had this dream, where you wrecked Luke's office...

Wrecked..? Cool...really? Dream?

KR: You will see...you will see...

I will see...I will see...


Next up: The dark truth of the dreamworld (Little Ben/ Kylo vs. Luke)