Old enough to know and young enough to live again

Stare into the mirror but no one that you know is there (that you know is there)

Shaking like it's cold and no one's there to take your hand

I will give you mine and shiver 'till you're warm again

So don't you look down

~"Over and Over," Goo Goo Dolls


"Are you all right?" Kurapika exclaimed.

The woman shook her head. The baby sobbed, hiccuping. She patted the baby's back. "My stepson is—"

"Your stepson?" Kurapika cursed. The woman didn't look as if she was any older than a college student.

"I'm Nasubi Hui Guo Rou's wife, Oito," she explained. "This is my daughter, Woble—"

Oh, shit. Kurapika had heard stories of that professor marrying a freshman after he knocked her up last year. "He just tried to hurt you," said Kurapika. "We should go to campus police—"

"You can't!" cried out Oito. Her hair, curly and thick and dark, fell off her neck, revealing a yellowing bruise. "He has them—Nasubi won't—Tserriednich has my phone and my bag—"

Kurapika swallowed. "You were—trying to leave him?" And the campus police—was she implying he could pay them? Was she implying—that bruise—

She squeezed her eyes shut. Woble wailed. "I'll go now—"

"It's okay," Kurapika said quietly. "I'll help you." Fire ignited inside of him. He wouldn't let this stand.

"Tserriednich said the same, and he wanted payment," Oito said. She clutched her forehead with her free hand as if in agony.

Kurapika's stomach lurched.

"I'm sure he's telling Nasubi I tried to seduce him." She crouched on the ground, burying her face in her daughter. Her shoulders shook. "I have to—get out of here."

"I'm going to help you," Kurapika promised again. He crouched. "I'm—Kurapika. I'm a sophomore. Literature major."

Oito blinked at him, lips trembling. "That's what I would have majored in—but—" She looked at Woble. The baby sniffled, and then reached out for Kurapika.

He froze. His mind tried to work.

"She doesn't like many people," Oito said softly.

Kurapika hesitated, and then held out his arms, taking her. She cooed, reaching for his one earring. A smile broke through his lips. "How old is she?"

"Eight months," Oito said.

"Do you need a train ticket?" Kurapika asked. He could probably borrow enough from Leorio or—

Oito studied the grass, overturned with stones and mud. "I don't know where to go. My family won't—they have enough problems—the local shelter's full. I can't—"

It's full? Why? How is the—this isn't supposed to be how the world works! Kurapika thought of Killua and Alluka. "I have an idea. I said I'd help you."

"I don't want to burden you."

"You're not," said Kurapika. "It's okay." He passed Woble back to her. The baby let out an indignant cry. Kurapika smiled, an ache in his heart. He pulled out his phone.

"Of course," said Leorio.

"We can't," said Hanzo. "Kurapika, we live on campus. We're already pushing things with having those two here—we can't take in a woman and an infant! And is campus really the safest place for her?"

"I—" Kurapika gritted his teeth. "I told her I'd help her." He dropped his voice. "She has bruises, guys. She's not making it up." He knew Pairo and Leorio would side with him—what about Knuckle and Shoot?

"You still can," informed Hanzo. "Use your brain and forget your complaining for a minute. Who do you know who's petty enough to love revenge, owns a giant house off campus, and hates Tserriednich?"

Kurapika recoiled. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"I'm afraid I'm not," said Hanzo. "Morel, the RA, has been snooping lately. It's only a matter of time until he finds Killua and Alluka. Chrollo's not such a bad guy—he—"

"Killua's brother lives there!"

"Well, have you told Oito about Killua and Alluka? No? Then I don't see what the problem is." Hanzo hung up.

Sorry :( Leorio texted.

He called Melody next. She wanted to help, but: "I'm not sure I can trust Palm to keep it quiet. She's a bit… interesting."

Unstable, Kurapika understood.

"Unfortunately, Kurapika," Melody said quietly. "I think Hanzo is right. The safest place for her is off campus."

"With another abuser in Killua's brother?"

"Talk to Chrollo."

"I hate him."

"What matters more, your grudge or her safety?" Melody sighed.

Kurapika bit his lip so hard the skin broke. Blood tasted salty. "Fine!" He hung up and saw Oito shivering, bouncing Woble as they walked along the pond.

I won't turn back. I can still do good, can't I? Can't I do something useful? Can't I atone? He dialed Chrollo.

"Well, this is a surprise," Chrollo said by way of greeting. "Want me to have your own voice calling me a bitch this time?"

Kurapika wanted to kick himself and Chrollo. "You hate Tserriednich, right?"

"If you're going to fuck him just to fuck with me, I don't care."

"Ew!" Kurapika wrinkled his nose. "No, bastard. I just saw him—attacking his stepmother. And she has her daughter. And she has bruises from—her husband, and she wants to leave, but she doesn't have—a place to go. And I—we live on campus."

"Are you for real asking me for a giant favor right now?" Chrollo demanded.

"I will not antagonize you the rest of the semester," Kurapika said. "I'll—do all the work for our project—"

"Nice, but I actually like working."

"I'm not sleeping with you."

"I'm not a fucking rapist, Kurapika."

Kurapika scowled. "Then what do you want?"

"I don't know yet," said Chrollo. "Your help, when I need it. That's all."

"For what?"

"I don't know yet. Nothing along the lines of what you're thinking."

I don't want to chain myself to this bastard!

Woble cried, and Kurapika clutched the phone so hard his knuckles ached. "Fine."


"I don't understand," said Illumi, staring at Professor Freecss. "You don't talk to your son?" He couldn't imagine his parents not calling him at least once a day, for Dad, and five times a day, for Mom.

"If he's with your brother, I'm sure they're good friends," Professor Freecss answered. He adjusted his turban. His hair looked like he hadn't washed it in ages. Papers and binders cluttered his desk, and the curtains were so old they were faded. His trash can smelled like a compost bin. Which Illumi was starting to think it was. "I'm sure they're all right."

Illumi blinked. "Can I have the number to Mito Freecss?"

"She blocked me, so I don't have it."

Can't imagine why. Illumi tugged at his hair. He needed to get this information. I can't let my parents down. Every time he thought about that, his throat burned like it had the day they dumped coffee down it, and that scared him more because he loved coffee and only wanted to enjoy it. "I need something. This is my brother."

"Can I ask you something?" Professor Freecss said.

Illumi nodded.

"Why does it matter? If your brother wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. He doesn't want to be with you. That's why he's not with you."

"So you don't want to be with your son?" Illumi asked. A strange feeling crept over him, like a million spiders running down his skin and spinning a web around him.

"Do you want to be with your parents?"

"Yes." Illumi didn't hesitate.

"Shame," said Professor Freecss. "It sounds like you follow the rules a bit too much, Mr. Zoldyck. Now if you'll excuse me."

Illumi sputtered as Professor Freecss pushed past him. He forced himself to leave calmly, wish him a good day, be perfect, never let on that you hate them, that you will have the last word.

His father's hands cupped Illumi's chin, callouses scraping the flesh. Illumi blinked.

He was outside. The sun glowed from behind clouds being pulled apart like cotton balls by the wind.

Where did I fail you in that?

Illumi bought himself a cup of coffee and chugged it. Good, he still loved the invigorating, rich taste.

I really want to find you, Killua.

I want you to be okay.

He texted Hisoka. Can you give me a ride?

Sure, Fake Boyfriend. Hisoka signed it with a kiss emoji.

They found their way to Gon Freecss' high school. At the very least, there was only one of these in town, so he could presume he attended there.

"Please tell me why we're here, of all places," requested Hisoka, rubbing his chin. "This feels creepy."

"I told you; I'm looking for my brother's friend." Kalluto was staying at the house for the time being, and seemed to be getting along well with Feitan and Machi especially. Machi was teaching him to sew.

It didn't take long to identify Gon Freecss. He was the spitting image of Professor Freecss, but he had a smile on his face.

Illumi strode through the swarm of students, grabbing Gon's shoulder. Gon whirled around.

"Let's go," said Illumi. "You're a friend of my brother's, aren't you?"

Gon's eyes narrowed. He shoved Illumi away from him. "You're Killua's brother."

Kalluto was right. Illumi's heart picked up pace. "Where is he?"

"Why would I tell you? You abused him. You and your parents, you locked Alluka up and—"

What kind of delusions was this kid under? They had to be trained to run the company. They were special. They were Zoldycks. "You don't understand; Alluka's dangerous!"

Hisoka approached behind him, brow furrowed.

"She seems sweet to me," Gon shot back. "And no, they're not at my house, and if I can see to it you never see them again, I will."

Never—see— Illumi flinched. "Killua will come back. He'll miss me."

"Would you miss someone who hurt your sister?"

"Alluka's my brother."

"No, she's your sister," Gon snapped. "Ask her."

"Jesus Christ," said Hisoka. "Illumi, your family's a dumpster fire."

"Shut up!" Illumi felt fire shooting through his veins.

"Have you ever asked her? Or did you just leave her locked in the basement?"

Illumi wondered. Alluka did always prefer dolls and playing house and dancing. "Alluka had toys and a very comfortable room—"

"It's still abuse," said Gon. "And Killua is my friend, and I—"

"He doesn't need friends—"

"Then what is this?" Gon asked, gesturing to Hisoka.

"A fake boyfriend," said Illumi.

Gon's face scrunched up as if he couldn't understand. Hisoka guffawed.

"Go to hell," said Gon. "You're not getting Killua back. He doesn't want you."

"I like you, kid," said Hisoka. "You've got spirit."

Gon cast Hisoka a strange look. He pushed his fists into his jacket and stomped off.

"For the love of God tell me you're not going to follow him and get us arrested for stalking a high schooler," Hisoka complained.

"No," said Illumi. "I'll just call the police."

"He'll lie. It's what I would do." Hisoka hopped back into his ragtag car.

"We'll see." Gon's words echoed and echoed in Illumi's mind.

You're not getting Killua back.

He doesn't want you.

He doesn't want.

You.

Want you.

He doesn't.

Illumi's skull throbbed. He rubbed his temples.

"Was what he said about your sister true?" asked Hisoka, clearly using the phrase sister to annoy him. "About locking her in a basement?"

"It was too risky to have Alluka with us. He—she—they tried to kill a butler once, in a fit. They're psychotic."

"Sounds like she's not the only one."

Illumi narrowed his eyes at Hisoka as he drove.

"Of course, abuse can break a mind. Or so Pakunoda says; she's the psychologist."

Illumi snorted. "Are you doing her too?"

"Not my type."

"I didn't know you were so discriminatory."

"Fine one to talk about discrimination, considering how I'm quite certain you locked Alluka up to protect your family. And isn't it ironic, then, that if it gets out, it is Alluka who will bring down your family's company, though not her, but what was done to her?" Hisoka smirked.

Illumi gaped at him. "It's not—it was necessary—no one would—"

"I don't know," said Hisoka with a shrug. "I'm hardly one to understand family dynamics and I mostly find them fascinating in how every family seems to want to destroy each other."

"Not us," said Illumi. "Not us." We love each other. We have to. We're Zoldycks. I love—I love my mom, my dad, my grandfather, Killua, Kalluto, Milluki. I did love Alluka, once.

They love me.

Fucking Gon Freecss' voice again. He doesn't want you.

His phone buzzed. Dad, texting him. If you haven't found anything by Saturday I'm going to be very disappointed.

I won't let you down, he texted back.

Because I love you, he thought. He knew he couldn't text that, though.

"Let's get coffee," said Hisoka.

"I'm pissed at you."

"It's hard to tell when your face looks like a doll's all the time."

"Well, now I'm even more pissed at you."

"But do you want coffee?"

Illumi folded his arms. "Fine."


"What happening?" Feitan asked when he got back from lab. Illumi barely gave their new guest a second glance as he jogged up the stairs, Hisoka on his heels.

"Chrollo says we have this woman staying with us for the next few weeks," said Machi, hand on her hip. "And her baby."

Feitan wrinkled his nose, watching Oito Hui Guo Rou talk to Phinks, who hadn't taken his eyes off her since she entered the house. "It'll cry."

"Yes, babies do that," snapped Pakunoda, appearing. "She said she'll stay in my room."

"No sleep for you, Machi, or Shizuku," Feitan said, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, Feitan," said Nobunaga. "Feitan!"

"I'll tell him if you tell Illumi and Hisoka," said Machi. "I don't feel like dealing with those two right now."

Nobunaga sighed. "Fine."

Chrollo held his arms crossed, studying Phinks and Oito and Pakunoda.

Woble started crying when Phinks held her. "Sorry, sorry!" Phinks exclaimed, face scarlet as he handed her back to Oito.

"He's smitten," mumbled Nobunaga. "We're fucked."

"So the rumors are true!" exclaimed Uvogin, bursting up the stairs. He looked overly excited to see a baby around. Oito managed a nervous smile, and Machi caught sight of bruises on her neck. So did Phinks. His eyes narrowed, fists curling.

Machi turned and stalked down the hall. She rapped on Feitan's door.

"What?" he snapped, flinging it open. His scarf was pulled up as per normal, even though it was hardly cold in the room.

"Danchou wanted me to tell you something," said Machi, pushing her way inside. "No one can mention that Oito is staying here. Nasubi will be looking for her."

"That kidnapping."

Machi took in the room, smaller than hers and with a futon crammed in the corner, bookshelves filled with books in a foreign language, and an empty, cracked vase with what might have been lilacs painted on it. Dumbbells stood in a rack under a small window, and the light burned low, as if Feitan hadn't replaced two out of the three lightbulbs in there. Knowing Feitan, he hadn't. "I doubt it. Did you notice the bruises on her neck?"

Feitan swore. "'Course I did."

They all would notice. They were used to such things. Sometimes it felt strange, being in this kind of society that fought against that type of thing rather than treating it as normal.

"So you won't say anything?"

"If Danchou say not to, I don't."

"Good." Machi wrinkled her nose. This place was so dusty. "Besides, Chrollo always wanted to have a safe haven around him."

"No, he don't," said Feitan. "He wanted haven, yes, but he will graduate at the end of the year, and we'll still be here since we're juniors."

"He'll stay."

"He won't."

Machi glared.

"We carry out his legacy," said Feitan, dropping onto the futon. "That what he wants."

"You're wrong."

"You wrong."

Machi glared. "So then, what? We don't matter to him? Would you rather have his—haven or him?"

"Haven."

"I don't understand you," Machi declared. She didn't want to imagine living without Danchou around. She'd had no hope before.

"Do you love him or what?" Feitan demanded.

"Huh?"

"You. Love Danchou." Feitan tugged his scarf even higher, covering most of his nose.

"No, you idiot. I mean, yes, but not like that." Machi rolled her eyes and dropped down next to him. "He just—he found all of us, didn't he? And he lets us do our own thing, he gave us—"

"The house gave us—"

"A house has no feelings."

"I will engineer living house then."

Machi snorted. "Are you trying to joke?"

"Maybe." Feitan's scarf slipped a little. His eyes glittered onyx. "Has Hisoka behaved?"

Machi snorted and leaned back on her elbows. She kicked her legs up. "I don't know and I don't care. Though he and Illumi seem like they're dating?"

"We know that already," Feitan pointed out. "But he not hitting on you, right?"

"Why do you care?" Machi tossed one of Feitan's pillows up at the ceiling. "No, he isn't."

"Why you sleep with him?" asked Feitan. "Dumb."

"Say that again and I'll smother you. Both of us had multiple drinks and were eighteen and I thought it was what college students did."

Feitan rolled his eyes. "Why you have to do what college students do?"

"I don't give a damn. I'd just started and thought it would be fun. It wasn't even worth it. He didn't get me off."

Feitan actually laughed.

"Seriously, I've had far better partners." Men, and women. Machi aimed her finger at Feitan. "And you better never repeat any of this. Or I'll tear your tongue out."

Feitan scoffed. "You couldn't even try."

"I could."

"But I'm a person, not a house."

Machi swung at him. Feitan ducked, grabbing her by the waist. She rolled so that she was on top of him. "I win."

They used to wrestle all the time, in Meteor City. She thought he was a jerk who prided himself in bullying people. And she kicked his ass a few times, and he kicked hers sometimes—not that either of them would ever admit it.

Feitan scowled. She expected him to kick her off.

But he hesitated, and then she felt something jabbing into her.

Feitan kicked her off then. "Sorry. I not Hisoka."

"It's biology," Machi responded. "My major." They studied together sometimes, because their majors had a lot of overlapping classes.

Feitan tugged his scarf up again.

Machi bit the inside of her lip, and then reached over and tugged his scarf down.

"Hey!"

I'm not someone special to you, am I? Do you even have anyone like that? How pathetic for you.

But you're part of this family.

Machi leaned in, pressing her lips against his. Feitan's eyes bulged when she pulled back. "Want me to go?"

Feitan shook his head. He grabbed her wrist, tugging her closer. They kissed until their lips were numb, and all their memories together from Meteor City, from here, flashed through Machi's mind. She yanked his scarf off and it struck her just how few times she'd seen him without it. His face had lost the baby fat he used to carry in his cheeks.

His hands found her chest. She lifted his shirt off first, and he pressed down against her neck, fumbling to untie her sash. He finally yanked it off. Machi didn't have time to be mad.

He wrapped his arms around her waist. She looked down at him, hair strewn against deep gray sheets, mouth agape, eyes wide.

"You know," he managed. "I do. Like you."