I need a family to drive me crazy
Call me out when I'm low and lazy
It won't be perfect, but we'll be fine
'Cause I've got your back, and you've got mine
You got mine
~"Boxes," Goo Goo Dolls
Chrollo sipped his cup of earl grey lavender tea throughout Russian Literature. They were finishing Dostoyevsky's Demons, discussing Kirillov's suicide. The dude killed himself to prove he was god, except in the end, he was scared and lost and all he had were his ideas. Some god. His ideas would fade out with time, because everyone else was dead because they were too attached to their own ideas... and on and on and on.
When the class ended, Chrollo glanced at Kurapika. Kurapika rushed by. He didn't seem talkative today. A shame. Chrollo strolled out of the building, checking his phone. He finished his tea and tossed it in a garbage can.
A hand landed on his shoulder. "Chrollo!"
He turned. Oito Hui Guo Rou grabbed his arm, eyes wide. The wind whipped her hair in front of her face. Tears swelled in her eyes. Woble whimpered in her other arm, a little hat pulled over her curls.
"What are you doing here?"? Chrollo demanded, yanking his arm away. If—something terrible must have happened.
"Illumi's parents came to visit and they hit him!" Oito cried out. "It's—"
Is that all? "I don't understand." You'd endanger your child for that? And yourself? Are you stupid or did I misread you in the first place?
"They're making him go out with them tonight and threatened him over Hisoka—can't you—"
"It's not my concern," Chrollo interrupted. "If it's a family matter—" I told you, I don't even understand those! I don't care!
"But what if they take Kalluto back with them? He's only ten, and if they're hitting their college-aged son in his own place than I can only imagine what they're doing to Kalluto in the privacy of their own mansion!"
"Guess we know why his other brother ran away," Chrollo said with a shrug. He tightened his coat around himself. Thunderclouds rolled in. "Kalluto seems like he can take care of himself if he needs to. And you shouldn't be on campus. Isn't it—"
Oito's jaw dropped. A look of disgust twisted her lips. "You just said it's not your concern about Illumi, so then what about me? Why am I your concern? Or are you just petty about Hisoka and trying to stick it to—Machi told me—"
That's bold, for someone receiving charity and hospitality. Chrollo shook his head. "I have enough on my mind—and with—"
"Well, well," interrupted a voice, just like a fucking stereotypical villain. If Tserriednich had a mustache he would surely be twirling it. Chrollo could not be less amused. "Fancy meeting you here, Oito. Shall I presume this is your new lover? He is attractive."
Chrollo groaned internally. He turned around.
Oito recoiled. "You're despicable, Tserriednich."
"I'm not the one cheating on—"
"I'm not—"
"Don't even answer him," Chrollo said. "He's a tool."
"At least now my dad knows where his daughter is," said Tserriednich. "I'm sure he won't be very happy to hear who you're shacking up with."
"Why?" Chrollo asked. "We're actually all around her age. Your age, too. Maybe your father should do something or someone similar." Thunderclouds darkened, brewing. Rumbles echoed in the distance.
Oito cringed.
"If he files a kidnapping charge on Oito for taking that brat—"
"She'll counter with a domestic violence claim and a restraining order," Chrollo replied smoothly. "Good day." He turned on his heel.
Tserriednich stepped in front of him, blocking his path. Chrollo hated being shorter than him. But he could still take the bastard if he had to. He tensed, glaring. "Do you need something else?"
"I'm going to call my dad," said Tserriednich. "I bet he'll show up and—"
"I don't care," said Oito, her voice trembling. Woble whimpered, and she cupped the baby's head as if it was something precious. "I'm never setting foot in that house again, Tserriednich, and if I have to tell everyone you made a pass at me, I will. I don't care about my reputation; I care about my daughter."
Tserriednich's eyes burned and Chrollo smirked. Here, a weakness. He was adept at finding them. He was never the most physically powerful, so he had to go for the weak areas. Stomachs, groins, eyes. And as he grew, he learned to avoid physical fights by finding the weaknesses that didn't bleed visible blood. "So, that's what it is. Did your daddy not care about you? Were you an inconvenience?"
"Don't," Oito hissed.
The first drops of rain spattered Chrollo's forehead. "Let's go, Oito." He turned, and he spotted Kurapika watching, about ten meters behind them. And his face was crunched in fury.
And Chrollo had the cold sensation that somehow, in some way, he'd failed.
"Want me to bust your nose again?" Kurapika asked Tserriednich.
Stupid fire. Go out. Chrollo glared at Kurapika.
"This is why you shouldn't have come to campus," Chrollo lectured as he escorted Oito back to the house. So much for studying in the library. His stomach soured. But Kurapika looked like he was tagging along, at least until they got off campus.
"I can't just sit there while a child's at risk," Oito retorted.
"Why not?" Chrollo asked. Lightning flashed above, but it still only sprinkled rain. "That's what most people do."
"I don't want to be like that."
"Fate doesn't give a damn what you want," Chrollo pointed out. He glanced at Kurapika.
"Don't you wish someone had spoken up for you?' Oito demanded, turning to face Chrollo and Kurapika.
"Yes," said Kurapika. "So I will be that sort of person, the kind who speaks up and acts justly."
"What I wish never matters," Chrollo said. "No one ever did." And he didn't want to talk about this further.
"So what are you going to do about that?" asked Oito. The wind set her hair flying around her face.
"It doesn't matter," Chrollo said. "It already happened, and for Kalluto, it doesn't matter. Like I said, he can take care of himself or he can't, and there's nothing I can do about that." He could tell Kurapika was watching him, and something squirmed inside, bubbling under his skin. Want.
I wish I had that kind of hope.
But fate hadn't deigned to give him that. He had never had a semblance of a family to spark that fire.
Oito's question from the night before lingered in his mind. "Don't risk yourself like that again. It's not just your head on the line; everyone in my house is on the line."
"Tserriednich doesn't have the balls to break into any place," Kurapika declared.
Oito actually chuckled. "True."
That wasn't what Chrollo meant. He did not want to risk anyone looking deeper into his house or its origins or anything that could lead to the discovery of the attic.
"See you," said Kurapika. "Oito, Leorio told me Cheadle wants to meet you tomorrow. She said the Mizaistom firm she works with might take your case pro bono. I met her before class; she seems very nice."
Oito's eyes bulged. "Really? Pro bono?"
And Cheadle was a woman. Well, a law student. Someone else must be a man, or she must be a lesbian, or—why on earth would someone take something pro bono? Or were they like Kurapika in that a dose of self-righteousness was what they lusted after most?
It must be.
What a pointless thing to lust after.
He thought of the attic, and the wind sounded as if it was whistling through his ears. What do I want?
That house.
And...
And. And. And. He didn't know whether he could complete that question, because to answer it would throw everything in turmoil. But he knew it, and Oito was right.
"Oito, what the hell were you thinking?" demanded a voice.
Oito glanced up. She was crouched on the floor, playing blocks with Woble. Her eyes found Phinks standing in Pakunoda's doorway, his arms folded.
"Chrollo told me you went to campus and Tserriednich knows you're here," Phinks continued, marching in. "And—"
"Sorry I'm an inconvenience," Oito responded. She swallowed. "It's really not what I wanted—I just—Kalluto was at risk, and—"
"Huh?" Phinks rubbed his temples.
"Kalluto what?" demanded Feitan, popping in behind Phinks. The two of them seemed to be best friends even if Oito doubted either of them would be man enough to admit it.
"His parents showed up and hit Illumi," Oito reported. "If they hit him, then I can only imagine what they do to Kalluto back at their house."
Feitan turned and stalked out of the room. Oito heard his boots pounding as he marched up the stairs, presumably to find Kalluto. She wondered if Illumi would be mad she said that. Probably. But she didn't regret it. "I am sorry for putting you at risk. If you want me to leave, I already offered—"
"That's not it," snapped Phinks, dragging his hand through his hair. He cussed and then cussed again when he realized he was swearing in front of the baby.
It was almost funny. "If she says that as her first word, I'll blame you," Oito managed.
Phinks smiled. He knelt. "You should think about yourself, too."
Woble tossed a block, squeaking. Oito grabbed it and stacked it. Woble knocked it down. Stubborn. She liked that. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, going to campus was risky. Tserriednich tried to—and you had bruises so we all know Nasubi—"
"I can't risk a child," Oito said. "Kalluto, or Woble—I didn't know Chrollo and Tserriednich had class together. When it comes to a child's wellbeing, the world would be a better place if everyone prioritized it."
"No one does," Phinks pointed out. He glanced to the side, at the oriental rug on the floor. Oito had been sleeping on it, but her bedroll was rolled up for now. "Children are the easiest to trample on. Because they're dependent."
"So because it's common, I should just accept it?" Oito scowled. "It's wrong. I don't like it. It disgusts me." And it was true. She knew it.
"Though some of us survive well on the streets," Phinks said with a smirk.
"I remember her parents always complaining about too many mouths to feed, how if only abortions had been cheaper they would have had them, how unlucky they were the condoms broke," Oito said. Phinks stiffened.
She spent so many nights lying awake next to her sisters, imagining a castle, imagining herself a princess, someone coming to save her. When Nasubi flirted with her when she went to his office hours, she jumped at the chance. He held out a hand, and she was in no position to be choosy.
Instead, he might as well have been a dragon locking her up. She hadn't intended to get pregnant, but Nasubi refused condoms. She did want to finish school, but she wanted a good life before any of that, and he offered her one, so she signed herself up to be his wife.
But Woble hadn't signed herself up to be his daughter. She had no choice in the matter, and with Nasubi's rages and Tserriednich's flirtations… I can't risk you.
I want to be the mother I didn't have.
No one wanted me, and I didn't plan you, but I'm glad I have you. I want you.
"Anyways, I'm dependent now," Oito said. "It's rather frustrating, you know. But I—" She stopped herself.
"You're—" Phinks cussed again. "Sorry!"
"Wash your mouth out with soap," she teased.
"I'm older than you."
She rolled her eyes. He was studying her, but she didn't feel creeped out by his attentions. Still, she couldn't be that sort of person right now. She had her daughter to focus on, and she herself knew it wasn't fair to have a kid so young, and she had to prove Tserriednich and Nasubi wrong. She was no slut.
In truth, she hadn't even been with anyone besides Nasubi.
It doesn't matter what I want.
Except that she wanted to have her own choices. And if the only choice she could make was to defend kids like Kalluto wherever she saw them, she'd make that choice.
"I'm meeting with a law student tomorrow," Oito said. "A friend of Kurapika's. They said they might take my case pro bono."
Phinks scratched his head. "That's good, right?"
She nodded. "I need a quick divorce." She hung her head. Twenty and already—already—
"You know, if you did need money," Phinks said. "I could help you out. I have some—saved."
Oito swallowed. "Thanks." Woble tossed a block at Phinks. He leaned over, rolling it towards her. She clapped her chubby palms together.
"If Tserriednich or Nasubi do show up here," said Phinks. "Between all of us, we can take him."
Oito snorted.
"We could send him a message," Phinks added.
"No," said Oito. "I mean, I hate him. I hate them both, but—Nasubi is Woble's father. I can't do that to her."
Phinks blinked.
"May I ask you something?"
"Sure," Phinks said, rubbing his chin.
"What happened to your eyebrows?"
Phinks let out a barking laugh. "They burned off once."
"What?" Oito yelped.
"Kidding. Feitan dared me to shave them when we were fifteen or so. We were drunk. And high on pot. So I did, and never looked back."
Oito arched her own brows.
"It's a unique look!"
"Don't you have to study?" she asked.
He rolled his eyes. "I don't have an exam till next week."
"What are you studying?"
"History. What about you? I mean, when you were enrolled here."
"I was undeclared." Oito focused on Woble again. "If I ever get to go back, I'd like to be a teacher."
"You're be good at that."
Oito swallowed. It doesn't matter, does it?
But Phinks said it almost like it did.
"They can stay with me if something goes wrong," Melody said. "Komugi said it was okay. And so did Palm." They sat in her apartment, a chess board set up on the coffee table and stacks of music, a flute case, and a keyboard in the corner. The sound of chopping echoed from the kitchen, where Palm Siberia was.
Kurapika glanced at Killua, who buried his face in his hands. "I don't mean—to be a burden. I want to—I—"
"I'll file the papers this weekend," Cheadle insisted. Leorio sat next to his friend, her green hair and button nose giving her a cute appearance. "But I will warn that there might be repercussions legally for you. There's no way to avoid them."
"And then Mito said she'd volunteer to take in Killua and Alluka while they wait for the case to proceed," Gon piped up, sitting next to his best friend.
How did I get so involved? Kurapika wondered. But he couldn't help it. "You aren't a burden. Not one that we mind."
Aren't we all burdens?
Does it matter? Even if you are, we'll help carry you. Because we want to.
Alluka rocked back and forth, flapping her hands. Kurapika still couldn't believe the stories she was telling about how her parents treated her. Just because she had a mental illness and was transgender, according to Killua. Alluka herself said she didn't know why. He could tell Killua was scared about Alluka having to make a report. But when she did, Killua said he would be with her, and Gon with him, and just—that inspired Kurapika.
"We're helping you because we want to," Gon declared.
Kurapika thought of Ging Freecss and the history homework he had waiting for him. Leorio urged him to write fuck you in the middle of the paper, but Kurapika's GPA was not negotiable. Your own father doesn't want to help you.
How do you cope with that?
Do you think if you help more and more people like Killua, he'll notice?
"Okay," said Cheadle, sticking her notebook into her backpack. "I think we're all set. Now I'm off to go see Oito Hui Guo Rou."
Kurapika swallowed.
"That's the one who married a professor, right?" called out a voice from the kitchen. Killua's nose wrinkled. Kurapika cringed.
Palm Siberia emerged, her hair tangled and matted.
"So?" asked Kurapika.
"So, it can happen," Palm declared, pointing her finger at Melody, who sighed. "Professor Knov—"
"Is not going to look twice at you so long as you look like that," Killua declared.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Palm demanded.
"You look like a stalker."
Hurt crossed Palm's face. And then her eyes narrowed.
"Kurapika, maybe take Killua back to your apartment," Melody said sweetly.
"Sounds good." Kurapika glanced at Killua, who winced.
In his apartment, Kurapika checked. He had a text from Chrollo. Do you want to meet to discuss our project tonight? Unless you're going to Meruem's party.
Let's meet he responded, though he had told Leorio and the others he would go to the party, which was supposed to be quieter than normal. But he really shouldn't. He was just there, a burden, orbiting around them and hoping someone would suck him in, and yet everyone else seemed to be finding someone else to orbit around, or something, and he was a comet speeding out of control, heading for a crash, but he didn't even know when or where.
I just want it over already.
Study, study, study. Then maybe he could earn back Pairo's respect, if he could afford a cure for Pairo's eyes. Earn anyone's respect, if they saw what he was doing. I'd be good then, right?
Mom? Dad?
He thought of Palm and he thought of Gon. Just wanting that one person to love them. And the ones he wanted reassurance of their love—they were dead. He couldn't carry their burdens, assure them he loved them, not any more. And they couldn't help him.
For so long, he wanted to carry Pairo's burdens. Alleviate his suffering, atone for the accident that was his fault. Pairo's vision was damaged after pushing Kurapika out of the way of an oncoming car, because he hadn't looked both ways before crossing the street.
"I'm sorry," Kurapika said. "You were right about Chrollo all along."
"It's okay," Pairo said, smiling at him, though his gaze couldn't and didn't meet Kurapika's. "You don't have to do everything for me, you know. I can make my own calls and so can you. I understand."
And this year, too, he had been branching out. Away from Kurapika.
What if I never get to atone? The fear burned. Come back, I still need you! I'm scared!
Did you really consider me worth it, Pairo? Or is—it clear now that I was never worth it?
And even if I'm not worth it…
I wish someone would carry me.
He met Chrollo in the library. It was deserted on a Saturday night, gaps between the bookshelves gaping with shadows. "Tserriednich hasn't hunted you down yet, I see."
"Hasn't even tried," Chrollo said, settling in a nook by one of the windows. Kurapika sat across from him. "Have you started the book?"
"I finished it."
"Show-off."
"Did you start it?"
"I finished it, too."
"Hey!"
Chrollo snorted. He opened his laptop. "Well? What'd you think?"
"I think it's interesting," said Kurapika. "And sad." He related to Bazarov, empty until the end, but even then, he still wanted to tell Anna she was beautiful.
I want someone to tell they're beautiful.
"You okay?" Chrollo asked.
"Headache," he lied.
"Your eyes are red," Chrollo said quietly.
Kurapika whipped towards the window. Sure enough, his reflection shone back at him, eyes scarlet and betraying him. He swore and banged his head back against the seat. "Want to know something?"
"What is it?"
"Killua and Alluka Zoldyck are staying at my place. And there's nothing that you can do about it, because tomorrow Cheadle is filing an abuse claim with the police. Oito wasn't exaggerating. Hitting Illumi is probably the least of what they do, from what I've heard." Kurapika tilted his head back. "Just be prepared."
Chrollo narrowed his eyes as if sensing the subtle barb in Kurapika's voice. "What if I go home and tell Illumi?"
"Won't matter."
"I won't," said Chrollo.
"I know."
"How?" Chrollo shoved his laptop to the side.
It bothered Kurapika that he couldn't explain exactly why he knew. "What if I then tell Illumi you knew the night before?"
"Are you that petty?"
"No," said Kurapika. "I wouldn't."
"I know."
"Do you care about the people in your house? Would they defend you, if you split down the middle, half on Illumi's side and angry at you for doing nothing, and half—"
"First of all, that's ludicrous because it's only a few hours, and second of all, I don't need them to defend me. We'd flip a coin. We're a unit. I own the house but we—"
"So you don't think you matter at all or do you think you're the only one who matters?"
"Do you think you matter?"
"I want to," Kurapika said, swallowing. His eyes were no doubt glowing again. "I really want to. Fuck." He glared out the window, at the empty campus lawn. Is that why you're a unit? So long as they're all okay, you're okay? If you can protect them, you can protect yourself? "But I don't want to be the only one."
What are you so afraid of?
You want to matter.
Neither of us want to be Bazarov. Kurapika lifted up his book. "So. Bazarov."
