Chrys watched dispassionately as the bones burned. She didn't have to stay, she knew they'd be done for, but she did anyway. It wasn't like she had anywhere else to be.

It had been two weeks since she'd left the Winchesters, since she'd left Sam. She couldn't decide if she was ready to go back yet. Or if she should go back.

She knew that she wanted to. Fuck, did she want to. Although her supernatural connection to Sam had been severed by Death, she still felt an ache or her soulmate. It was just no longer a physical ache. It was just your garden variety heartache.

She missed him. She missed running her fingers through his long hair. Or the way he would cock an eyebrow at her when she said something bitchy or outlandish. The warmth of his big hand on her hip, or the small of her back. She was half out of her mind with missing him. She spent quite a bit of time with her car keys in her hand, debating the pros and cons of going back.

The only thing keeping her away was the bone-chilling fear that being with Sam made her a bad person. She wasn't under the impression that she was a particularly good one, but she'd always assumed that, given the choice between right and wrong, she would choose the former.

Now, she wondered.

It wasn't just because of Bella, although that wa her biggest red flag. What she'd done to Bella, essentially stealing her memories, was something Chrys could barely wrap her head around. Had she done it to protect the other woman, or herself? Had she been genuinely concerned for Bella's safety, or had she wanted to get rid of her responsibility to Bella?

The questions plagued Chrys, kept her up at night, made it hard for her to think. She'd been making sure to keep busy, hunting nonstop to keep her thoughts at bay. Sometimes it had even worked.

As she started to shovel the dirt she'd disturbed back into the grave, though, she couldn't shake her worries.

Do I want to hunt because it's the right thing to do? Or am I trying to make up for being a terrible human being?

Do I love Sam because of Lucifer? Or would I love him anyway?

More importantly, how far would I go for Sam, to keep us together?

She kept asking herself the questions, but found no answers.


She caught wind of a case in South Dakota, and thought long and hard about whether or not to take it. People were dying, disappearing, and the irritating nobility that Sam had instilled in her was pulling her to go.

The proximity to Bobby, and the main hangout of the Winchesters, however, was worrying her.

In the end, she went. It was a big state, and if they were there, she'd hightail herself out before they caught wind of her presence.

Decision made, she packed up, checked out of her room, and left.


Sam respected Chrys' wishes to keep his distance for three days. All it had taken was Dean asking, "Are we really not gonna tail her?" and they'd been off.

He'd watched her work three cases in two weeks. She was efficient and thorough, compassionate when she spoke to victims, ruthless when she killed the monsters she sought. It served as an unnecessarily reminder that Chrys was a good hunter, with or without him.

Sam was trying to wrap his head around what Chrys was going through. Was she right? Did the two of them want to be together so much that they put the people around them in danger? More worrying, did it matter?

Sam thought not.

He had entertained the thought that he shouldn't be quite so okay with the idea that he would watch the world burn for Chrys, but he couldn't really muster anything like that up. His life had been hard, the odds stacked against him since before he'd been born. Maybe it was a little selfish, but Sam loved Chrys without reservation, and he wanted her at his side as long as she wanted to be there.

He and Dean never interfered with her investigations. They just watched, made sure she didn't need backup, made sure she never got into a situation she couldn't get herself back out of.

She never did.

Chrys was extremely careful when she hunted alone. She waited until daytime to go on the search for the monsters, and she researched cases meticulously until she knew without doubt that she had her culprit. She had not, in the last two weeks, slipped up once.

That didn't make it any easier to sit and watch the minutes tick by for too long while Chrys was in a decrepit barn in South Dakota with a vampire. Sam was starting to get antsy. They were hidden in the woods near the building.

Dean looked over to Sam, his face grim. "She's got five minutes, Sammy. Five minutes, then I'm going in, with or without you."


Chrys had been so fucking careful. She had interviewed the patrons of the little dance club, narrowed down her suspects, and it had come up vampire. Not that it had been a particularly difficult conclusion to come to, exsanguinated bodies and mangled necks pointing pretty clearly to the undead. She'd double-checked everything before she'd gotten to the abandoned barn the vampire had been hiding out in.

So she was wildly, massively, overwhelmingly irritated that she'd somehow overlooked the hostage that the vampire bitch had taken.

The boy, probably no older than fifteen or sixteen, was staying as still as possible. His wide brown eyes were terrified, and every sharp exhale also released a little frightened whimper.

"Come on, the jig is up," Chrys snapped. "Let the kid go, and we'll handle this woman on woman."

The vampire bared her teeth viciously. "Hunter whore. You have no bargaining power here. I'm the one who ha the boy." She pressed her nose into the teenager's throat and inhaled sharply. "And he's just lovely."

Chrys scowled, then met the boy's eyes. She tried to put on a reassuring face. "Listen, Kenneth, that's your name, right? Everything is gonna be okay, I'm gonna get you out of this alive."

The vamp jerked Kenneth by the hold she had around his throat and let out a harsh laugh. "And how do you plan on doing that, with that?" Her eyes flicked to the machete in Chrys's hand. "Your little butter knife?"

Chrys weighed her options as carefully as she could in a few seconds. On one hand, there was the possibility that she could negotiate Kenneth away. It was a slim chance, though, and there was a much greater chance that the monster would just snap the kid's neck before Chrys could move.

There really weren't a lot of options.

Chrys flipped her hold on the machete, took one strong step forward, and flung her weapon across the barn.

There was a satisfying thunk! as the blade sank into the vampire's skull. Chrys sprinted to close the distance between them, then grabbed Kenneth's arm and wrenched him away before the monster could get her bearings back. She heard the snap, and the boy's pained cry, but ignored them both to grab the machete and yank it out of the vamp's head.

The pale creature snarled and lunged. Before it could do any damage, Chrys swung hard. It was a weird angle, but she put all of her strength into it, and the vampire's head fell to the floor with a thump.

Chrys heaved in a breath, then let it out explosively. She turned to Kenneth, who was cradling his arm against his chest and was almost as pale as the vampire had been. Chrys winced. "Hey, are you okay? I'm sorry about-"

"Yeah," he said quickly. "Yeah, I'm fine." He let a beat of silence pass, then, "So… So, that was, like, a real life vampire."

Chrys nodded. "Yes, yes she was." She sighed and met his gaze again. "Look, I know that was weird, and that you're probably freaking out, but it would honestly be best if you just forgot everything you saw and heard okay?" When he just continued to stare at her, she gestured for him to come closer. "Come on, let's get you to a hospital, yeah?"

She helped him into her car, then drove as fast as safely possible away from the barn and the body.

Five minutes into the drive, Kenneth turned to look at her. "So, you… Like, do this for a living?"

Chrys nodded. "Pretty much." She frowned and pointed at him. "But don't go getting any ideas, you hear me? The ay is shit, and you don't get holidays off."

He didn't laugh. "Alone?" he asked softly. "You do this alone?"

Chrys paused. "Um… No, not usually. My… Boyfriend? I guess? I don't know, that's kind of complicated, but his name is Sam, and we're usually together."

He frowned. "Well, where the fuck is he, then?" He sounded indignant on her ehalf, which almost made Chrys smile.

"We… Uh, we had kind of a fight, and I took off. But it's not like I can't take care of myself, all right? Saved your ass, anyway."

Kenneth stared at her for another moment, then turned to look out the window.

The rest of the drive was silent.


Chrys pulled into a parking space in front of the hospital and turned to Kenneth. "All right, here's where you get off. I can't… I can't really go in with you, but will you be all right?"

He finally turned to look at her. "Yeah, I'll be fine." He took a deep breath, like he was bracing himself. "Look, I don't even know your name, but can I give you some advice? This Sam-boyfriend-it's-complicated person? You should go find him. Because, like, I don't even really know what you deal with on a daily basis, but…" He met her eyes. "It can't have a real long life expectancy, right?"

Chrys blinked. "Uh… I guess?"

He nodded. "Right. So, like… Look, life is extra short for you guys, so you should go find Sam. Find him, and make it uncomplicated. Figure it out, stow your crap, whatever. And then stick with him." He smiled tremulously. "Because, I mean, it would be better to be together, right?"

Chrys blinked again, then inhaled sharply. "You're too smart for a fifteen-year-old, get the hell out of my car."

Kenneth scoffed. "Hey! I'm sixteen!"

She rolled her eyes. "Go ahead, go on. Get that arm taken care of, and make sure you be careful, okay?"

Kenneth nodded and put his hand on the door handle to open the door. Before he could open it, he turned back and looked at her again. "Um… Hey, thanks. For saving my life. And stuff."

Chrys smiled. "No problem, kiddo."


Chrys waited another two days to call Sam.

"Chrys? Chrys, are you all right?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Sammy. Just, um… Can we meet somewhere?"

"Anywhere."


When Sam pulled up in his borrowed car, he saw Chrys sitting on the trunk of her own stolen sedan, staring up. She was in the parking lot of a motel, and she didn't turn to acknowledge him, but she did greet him with a soft, "Hey, Sammy."

He jumped up onto the trunk and sat next to her, leaning back on his hands to gaze at the sky with her. "Hey, beautiful."

He ached at the sight of her, at how close they were sitting. He wanted to wrap himself around her, but he fought the urge and stayed where he was.

He'd waited two and a half weeks for her, he could wait a few more minutes.

"So, here's the thing, Sam," she said finally, not moving any closer. "I've been thinking a lot about us, and what we're doing. Am I in love with you just because of Lucifer? Or am I in love with you anyway? I don't know why, but the answer seemed… Important to me."

Sam swallowed hard and nodded. "Okay. Did you… Did you find the answer?"

She finally turned to smile a little bit at him. "Uh, no. No, I did not. But I got some advice from someone, and I've kind of decided that it doesn't matter."

His eyebrows shot up. "It doesn't matter?"

She shook her head. "No, it doesn't. I mean, I love you, you love me, why would it matter how we got there?"

"So… So, are we okay?"

She took another deep breath. "Almost."

Before his heart could plummet, she turned to look at him again. "Here's the thing. You're a good man." When he scoffed a little, she punched him in the arm. "Shut up, you are. You've done some fucked up stuff, and you've messed up, but where it counts, you're a good, just, kind man."

"Okay," he said slowly. "So, what does-"

"Shut up, Sam," she interrupted fondly. "I'm on a roll." She looked away from him, back up to the sky. "You're a good person who has done some bad things, but I'm not. I'm a bad person, Sam." He opened his mouth to protest, but she was already continuing. "I'm selfish, and mean, and ruthless. I've done some okay things, I've saved some people, but deep down, I'm not good, I'm actually kind of shitty."

She turned to look at him again, and there was wariness in her blue eyes. "What that means for us is this. I would do anything for you. Not in a cute, fifth grade, you can carry my books to my locker sort of way, but in a 'I-would-quite-literally-murder-someone-for-you' sort of way." She searched his face. "So I guess, right now, you need to decide how okay you are with-"

Sam couldn't take it anymore. The slight anxious tremor in her voice, the unsure way she held herself, he couldn't stand it. He raised his hand and cupped her face, running a thumb along her cheekbone. She quieted and blinked up at him. "Sam?" she whispered.

"Chrys, I… It's the same for me. I don't know how much I'm on board with the idea that I'm good and you're not, but I can tell you it's the same for me. I love you, and I won't let anything come between us, okay?"

Her small, genuine smile lit his insides up like a flipped switch. "Okay, Sammy."

He finally wrapped his arm around her and pulled her close, pressing his lips to her temple as she came to lean against him. "Let's go home, beautiful."


**What I want to say to you: I'm feeling great! Everything has evened out, I'm a thousand percent happy, I am BRIMMING with ideas for this story and for new ones, updates will be regular from now on.
**What the truth is: I'm doing okay but not great. I've realized I need to go back to therapy, which blows, but I'm going to go. I have approximately 4 ideas for this story and the other 4 that I'm writing. I'm a mess, but I'm going to try really fucking hard not to go a month between updates next time. Thanks for sticking with me.
**On the other hand, I'm finally starting to feel good about this story again, so that's kind of nice.
**Feedback gives me the warm fuzzies and keeps me going.