When the answers escape us when we start to fade
Remember who loved you and the ones who have stayed
'Cause my body will fail, but my soul will go on
So don't you get lonely
I'm right where you are
~"Boxes," Goo Goo Dolls
Kurapika staggered back into his apartment, tossing his books on his bed. Hanzo arched his eyebrows at him.
"What?" asked Kurapika.
Leorio and Pairo both leaned out of their respective bedrooms. Leorio's eyes fixated on him. "He has a hickey, Pairo."
"Hey!" Kurapika shrieked. He ducked his head and stormed into the kitchen to brew tea.
"How are you feeling?" he asked Chrollo.
"Shocked," Chrollo admitted, staring after Machi and Feitan. "I—didn't even know they were seeing each other. Not that it matters, but—"
"You're just mad you didn't know everything," Kurapika teased.
Chrollo shrugged, pulling his coat around himself. "I hope they don't want to leave."
Chrollo wanted them to stay. Kurapika dipped a lavender tea bag into his chipped mug. Oito had studied her feet at that proclamation, and Kurapika thought of what he knew of her family and their reaction to Woble.
"What happened?" demanded Leorio. "You can't keep us in suspense. Who—"
"Aren't you getting it on with Cheadle?" Kurapika asked.
"No!" Leorio's jaw dropped. "She's—I mean—she's way out of my league."
Pairo smiled. Kurapika rolled his eyes. "I spent the night at Chrollo's."
Leorio let out a squeak. Pairo's smile turned into a frown, and there it was, that familiar sting in his abdomen, the one that told him he was letting them down, that he had been weighed and found wanting.
I am wanting.
I'm human.
"I'm sorry," Kurapika managed. "I don't mean to—upset any of you—but we've been talking, and we made out at that party the other night, and—"
"Well, good for you," declared Leorio.
"I like him," Kurapika whispered, staring at the tea bleeding out of the teabag, coloring the water amber and flavoring the liquid. "I really do like him. I was wrong." We were both using each other, and I—I forgive him.
I want to be free. I don't want to feel this guilt anymore. He lifted his head, meeting Leorio's eyes. "We're dating now. I guess."
"I'd hope so," muttered Hanzo.
"Pairo," Kurapika managed. "I know you won't approve, but—"
"Why?" Pairo interrupted, voice trembling.
"I—"
"No, why do you think I wouldn't approve, Kurapika? You're my cousin. You're Leorio's best friend. Why would you think we wouldn't want you to be happy? Why would you think our concern is anything other than that we don't want you to be hurt? If this is making you happy—I can tell from your voice that you're smiling, like how you used to smile, even if you aren't showing it anymore and even if I can't see it beyond your face being a blur so I don't know—I do trust you, Kurapika. I think you know. The only times I don't trust you are when you want to destroy yourself, but this—you sound really happy. I don't think you're trying to hurt yourself, not this time." Pairo managed a wavering smile, holding onto the counter.
Kurapika swallowed. He threw his arms around Pairo, holding him tight.
A crash. He turned. "Shit." The mug his parents had given him—it had crashed. Tea and porcelain scattered all over the floor.
"Not to worry," said Leorio. "We can glue it back together."
Kurapika nodded. He phoned Melody. "How is Palm?"
"She's hanging in," Melody said softly. "Milluki Zoldyck did say he would help, so she's talking with him now. It's giving her something to focus on, at the very least." She sighed.
"People are always like this, aren't they?" Kurapika asked. "Preying on the ones they can." Mentally unstable, like Palm, like Alluka. Not conventionally attractive, like Melody. Children on the streets, like Chrollo.
"Not always," said Melody. "Not us."
Kurapika closed his eyes.
"Tserriednich was also apparently talking to Bizeff," Melody said. "I don't know why, but I thought you should know."
"What, couldn't get an audience with his own father?"
"Probably not," Melody confirmed. "But just—be alert."
"Congratulations," Illumi said to Machi and Feitan. She arched her eyebrows.
"If I stay here and they stay here," said Kalluto. "I'll get to see their baby."
Illumi remembered when each of his siblings was born, except Milluki, because he was too young. He was always excited. He loved them. Even Alluka, when he first held her, and then—
How did I fall so far? And he didn't even notice he was falling until he crashed into the ground.
Kalluto wanted to stay with him. Not with Killua. Illumi didn't understand. Well, Killua did say he and Alluka would visit. "Thank you for staying," Illumi said as he headed for the stairway.
"Welcome," Kalluto said. He clutched the sleeves of his kimono. "Actually, I just really want—Kil and Alluka to come here."
"Hm?" Illumi turned, and he hated himself. Why did his heart sink at that? Why did he just want them to—want him? Anyone. Anyone at all.
"I wish you would take care of us," said Kalluto. "You and Milluki."
"I can't," Illumi said. "I'm afraid I blew that opportunity." He hurt Killua. He could never be forgiven for that, or for what he did to Alluka, treating her like she wasn't even human, and he was still—scared.
Kalluto swallowed. "I'm gonna go get hot chocolate from Machi."
Illumi watched him go. He pushed the door to his room open, remembering waking up to see Killua standing there like an angel. An angel he would have prayed for, if he believed in prayer.
His throat burned that day long ago. He opened bys eyes and found Killua there then, too, only three. "Get well soon, Illu-nii."
I want to get well, but I don't know how to even handle this. He buried his face in his hand.
A knock. Illumi lifted his gaze. Hisoka leaned against the door. "Can I come in?"
Illumi nodded.
"Look," Hisoka said. "I said it before, so I'll say it again. I am sorry. I know you were hurt even though you pretend that you aren't, because you're a lot more sentimental than you appear to be. It's your greatest weakness."
"And yours is your lack thereof," Illumi retorted. But his barb felt weak, like the last tosses a dying man could manage.
Hisoka shrugged. He sat next to Illumi.
Why are you here? Why now? I mean nothing to you. I mean nothing to anybody. I never did.
"Leave," said Illumi. "If you're just going to say I don't matter but I'm fun, or give good sex, or whatever, I don't care. I don't want to hear it. I already know it, okay?"
Hisoka sucked in his breath. "That's fucked up, Illumi."
"Look in the mirror."
Hisoka narrowed his eyes. "What did they do to you?" He raised his hands. "I'm just asking because you are—"
A puzzle for you to figure out. Well, fine. Have all the pieces. "They wanted me to be the best, but they knew I wouldn't be. I don't know when, but soon after I started—living, I suppose." Illumi frowned. "But they kept trying. It must have been because they loved me. They kept trying, even when they knew I was a failure to them, and then maybe eventually they were punishing me; I don't know. For not being good enough. They were trying to love me, I know, but they still hurt—like I hurt Killua." He rested his chin on his knees. You tried, at least, right?
I definitely tried, at least. Killua sees that, at least. I can try, at least.
"The hell?" asked Hisoka. "Sorry, but I don't get families at all. That sounds like hell and just confirms parents suck."
Illumi almost smiled. "My father broke my arm once. They used to make us stay up all night and one time I tried to sneak coffee, and he made my mother hold my mouth open and poured it down my throat. It wasn't boiling, but it was close. I couldn't eat the entire rest of the day." His fingers drifted towards his throat.
"Jesus Christ," burst out Hisoka.
"Huh?"
Hisoka gaped at him. "Guess your home really wasn't any better than the streets. We have more in common than you'd think. I had people trying to chase me down too, and punish me."
"And did they?"
"I learned to turn it back on them," Hisoka answered.
"I helped," said Illumi. "My parents, training my siblings. Milluki, Killua, Kalluto. Especially Killua. I thought they trusted me with him." Was that love, that trust? Why do I feel so hollow? Why am I still cold?
Silence lapsed. "Heard Killua decided to show up earlier," Hisoka said.
Illumi gripped his knees. He nodded. "I don't deserve it."
"No," Hisoka agreed. "You don't."
Illumi scowled at him. "I am… glad he came. I'm still betraying them, but it's—I—" My throat still burns, and it hurts. "I tried to protect him, and I hurt him."
"Protect?" Hisoka arched his eyebrows.
"By giving Killua coffee when they made us stay up all night," Illumi explained.
"After your parents tortured you?"
"It wasn't—" He stopped himself. "Yes. After." I love him.
I really do. He's my brother. I wanted to—protect something. I wanted to have something be mine. I wanted to love something and someone and I—I—
"Seems pretty bold of you," commented Hisoka, tapping his chin with a long-nailed finger. "I'm impressed."
"I wasn't asking for your approval."
"No, and that's so interesting, because you ask for everyone's."
Illumi frowned.
"I think you know you have it," said Hisoka.
"Huh?" Illumi frowned. "If you wanted makeup sex, you know, you can just ask."
Hisoka threw his hands up in the air. "For God's sake, Illumi, shut up. It's cool that you can—I don't know, care about your brother even if it's twisted. You love people. I don't. I never have, and I've never wanted to. But you almost make me wonder what it would be like."
"It's just that I'm useful to you," Illumi said, heart thudding. "I always have been."
"Mm, but you're more interesting to me than anyone else ever has been."
Illumi studied his shoes. "I wish I didn't care."
"That'd be dumb," said Hisoka. "That'd just make you boring, because then you'd be me, and I like being the only me in this universe, thank you very much."
Illumi frowned. Are you saying you like me?
Ha. Ha. Funny. A good joke.
"I feel like things can change, with you," said Hisoka. "I mean, man, if Killua and you are actually talking again, that's fascinating. Anything could happen. Like my first thought was that you'd be more boring, but I don't think so."
"Please just say whatever you're dancing around."
"That's no fun. I'm a clown."
"You're a college student with a makeup kit and an ego larger than the planet: so, you're quite common."
Hisoka scowled. "Do you want to give it another shot? Not just—with benefits now. Not fake. Just. Actually trying. I've never tried before, so—"
Illumi laughed.
Hisoka's brows drew together. His earrings swung.
"This is the part where you tell me I was what, the best sex you ever had, and you're desperate?" Illumi asked.
"No," said Hisoka. "No, Illumi, especially the first time, you are pretty awkward. Your face crunches up and you almost look like you're crying and you really like kissing sloppily. But you were real, then. You couldn't pretend you didn't care or that you didn't want anything. You weren't even trying to pretend. And I loved that."
Illumi froze. His mouth hung open.
"I don't even know what that looks like, to give a damn about anything," Hisoka said. "But even though it looks like it hurts you, you still want it, and I don't think you're stupid so I want to try it."
Illumi squeezed his eyes shut. "Apparently, I don't know what it looks like to care about someone properly either."
"Sucks," Hisoka said.
Illumi opened his eyes and saw Hisoka almost smiling. "Why would I matter to you?" Please. Please.
"Look," said Hisoka. "Without your stupid caring-too-muchness, you wouldn't be Illumi. And I'd be disappointed. We both go after what we want, but for you, you know. I don't know. I just want—to live. I want to prove I can live. But you don't make me feel like I have to fight for it and that's so goddamn frustrating I want to punch you in your perfect nose, but then—things wouldn't be okay and—"
You feel like things can be okay? They can't be. The world sucks.
But—
But—
Illumi leaned in. With you. He kissed Hisoka, sloppily, wet, like Hisoka had complained about. Hisoka snorted.
Teach me how to fight.
I want things to be okay, too. For all of us. For my siblings and me, and I don't know how to fight my parents. They're giants. Help me.
Illumi pulled back, resting his forehead against Hisoka's. "If you're my boyfriend, will you make me coffee?"
"Can I get makeup sex afterwards?"
A horde of footsteps pounded up the stairs. Boots. Illumi glanced at Hisoka, who stood up almost protectively. Illumi grasped his hand.
What the hell?
Get home now, Machi texted Chrollo as he sat in the school's library, trying to study and instead remembering Kurapika kissing him the night before with the smell of preserved books acting as an elixir. He and Kurapika were getting dinner together.
Chrollo left the library, struggling to refrain from jogging. Are you okay?
No response. He gritted his teeth. What if she was losing the baby? What if—
Two unfamiliar cars were parked in front, and Tserriednich leaned against one of them, a smirk on his lips. Chrollo's breath left. Oito!
Tserriednich winked at him.
He sprinted into the house. Fuck dignity. The door slammed behind him. Hisoka stood in the living room with Illumi by his side. Machi and Feitan stood in front of Kalluto. Oito held Woble in one arm and Kalluto's shoulder in her other hand.
"What's going on?" Chrollo demanded.
"I'm telling you," came Uvogin's voice from the stairway. "None of us ever seen them before. Musta been here when Danchou—I mean, Chrollo—bought the place—"
Fuck! Chrollo barged up the stairs. He stopped two flights up. Uvogin and Shalnark stood there, and Kortopi too. And two uniformed cops stood several steps above them. In one of their arms was a jewelry box, cherry wood and glass.
"You the owner of this house?" asked the cop.
Chrollo stiffened. "I am."
"Then would you care to explain why there is stolen merchandise?"
Blood and panic roared between Chrollo's ears. This could not be happening. Not when he had just—when he and Kurapika and— "Would you care to explain how you got into my house?"
"We received a credible report of stealing from a professor on campus," said the cop. He turned and glanced at Kortopi. "And the kid let us in and told us to look around."
Shit. Not that it was Kalluto's fault. Chrollo bit back a scowl. He couldn't risk it. He had to play cool, even though sweat was dribbling down his spine. "I—"
"We'll be taking you all to the police station," stated the cop. Downstairs, Woble wailed. "On suspicion of—"
"Don't," Chrollo interrupted. "Okay? Don't." His breaths came harsh, shaking him. He didn't want this. He wanted—
I really did just want them. Us.
"They had nothing to do with this," Chrollo added, stepping in front of the three men. "I stole them, okay? I confess. I admit it. They didn't help; they didn't know. I bought the house with my own money but then to upkeep it I—they had nothing to do with it, I promise."
He was begging. Christ, he'd never begged before. Not even on the streets when he hadn't eaten in two days and his stomach felt like rats were inside of it, biting and clawing in a desperate attempt to get food he couldn't give it.
"Danchou!" bellowed Uvogin.
"Shalnark—" Chrollo started. Shut your boyfriend up! He couldn't bear it if he led to them all—
I put them all at risk. I did. It's my fault it's my fault it's my goddamn bloody fault!
"Turn around," said the officer, and Chrollo wasn't sure if he obeyed or not, but he felt handcuffs clicking onto his wrists, metal cold against his skin, and the cop took him by the elbow and escorted him out, and he knew, he knew, he knew they would all be homeless now.
I really ruined everything.
He couldn't even look at them. At the very least, Kurapika wasn't here to see his shame.
"It's a crime scene right now," Illumi said. "We can't stay there." He held Kalluto's shoulders. "You'll get to stay with Killua. It'll be okay." His lip trembled. Hisoka scowled as he looked away.
"Mom and Dad," Kalluto started. "Our parents—"
Illumi covered his face. Oito's heart felt like it was too heavy for her chest as she watched. Illumi was in such deep trouble.
"I'll drive you over to Mito Freecss'," said Hisoka.
Where am I going to go? She could feel Tserriednich watching the house from where he stood. Probably waiting for her. She wanted to cry. Woble wailed, and she didn't even have the heart to comfort her.
Chrollo, really?
You were all thieves? She didn't believe for a second that Chrollo was the only one who knew about the stash upstairs. She shivered.
"I'll contact Kurapika," said Pakunoda. "We have to—"
"How?" demanded Feitan. He had his arm around Machi's waist.
"If we cut our—we might be able to stay—" Phinks started.
Machi glared at him.
"You'd really do that?" Oito demanded.
"Why do you have to choose between them?" blurted out Kalluto. "I mean—I still—" He swallowed, a child with everyone now looking at him. "I want to be a Zoldyck, but not with my parents, so—"
Can't you find a new house? Or try to save both?
"I want to help Chrollo," said Feitan. He clutched Machi's hand.
Phinks swallowed. He nodded.
"After I drop Kalluto off," said Illumi. "I can get us all hotel rooms. I still have a card from my parents."
"They'll be mad!" Kalluto protested.
Illumi looked down at his shoes. "I don't care." He glanced at Oito. "That includes you, too."
She pressed her lips together, thinking of the house where she and her siblings grew up. It was still standing, her parents still comfortably there even if it was cramped, but they wouldn't want her or Woble back. They'd say she should take Nasubi's punches. They'd say it would toughen Woble up.
I don't believe that anymore. You're wrong. I don't want to believe that.
Two hours later, and Oito found herself in a hotel not unlike the kind Nasubi would have frequented. Illumi insisted on giving her and Woble their own room, even though most people had to double up. And it felt empty.
Woble was sleeping, finally, and Oito dropped onto the bed. Tears soaked the lavender satin sheets. She just wanted—she just wanted—
I want you to be okay.
You are okay.
Why am I still crying?
It's my fault.
A few minutes later came a knock on the door. Oito peeked out. Phinks. Thank God. She yanked it open.
"Franklin and I are across the hall," said Phinks. "All of us are on this floor. You're not alone, and if there's a problem, call one of us and we'll be right there."
So he was worried about Tserriednich too. Oito swallowed, nodding. She shut the door behind him.
"You okay?" Phinks asked awkwardly. He gestured towards her face, which was probably blotchy.
Oito shrugged. She headed over to where she'd laid Woble down. "If I hadn't—Tserriednich wouldn't have—"
"Not your fault," Phinks interjected.
"You knew, didn't you?" asked Oito.
Phinks shifted. "Yeah. I helped Chrollo. I mean, we all did—the group of us that came here from Meteor City. We were kinda a group running around together." He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his tracksuit. "We had to steal to survive there."
"Did you have to steal all of that?" asked Oito.
Phinks glanced at her. "No."
"But you did anyways."
"We wanted more," said Phinks. He cussed. "We always wanted more."
I used to.
I don't remember what that felt like.
"And you're okay with letting Chrollo take the fall?"
"No, but he'd never forgive us if we turned ourselves in." Phinks swore again, gripping his skull. "I have to—we will—help him."
"You want him back?"
"'Course. He's our friend. He's—" Phinks shrugged. "Well, never had a family, but if I did, he would be part of it."
You want to help him. My parents, even when I'd just—had a child—they wouldn't take me in when they could. "I want to help, too."
Phinks turned to her. "You don't—"
"I don't even know what I can do," said Oito, studying her daughter. Woble's chest rose and fell. "I just have to help. I don't—I've always felt like a burden to my parents, and then a thing for Nasubi to show off, and I—if I stay I feel like Tserriednich will keep coming after—because he wants what he wants and he wants his father's—"
"I don't care," said Phinks. "You're worth it."
"Huh?" Oito gaped at him.
His face was the color of a pomegranate. "I mean—to me, you are worth it, so—we—our group has always—we didn't even kick out Hisoka even though we hated him, so—"
"Thank you," Oito said quietly.
"Sorry," he stammered. "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm just saying it. Because it's worth telling you."
I'm worth that to you.
Why? How?
She thought of Illumi, and how she could see what he wanted riddled in his face, and how he still was sending Kalluto away. I don't want to be like that. And she thought of Tserriednich, and how what he wanted consumed him.
"Sorry," Phinks said again. "I mean, I'm a thief. Probably not the company you want your daughter to be around, but if we can help you just for this time in your life, we—"
"You're a thief, but you're a better person than Nasubi or Tserriednich," said Oito.
Phinks swallowed.
"Thank you," she said, smiling at him.
Kurapika sank onto his bed, staring at Pakunoda. Leorio and Pairo stood to the side, watching as she stared, her face expressionless when he could tell from her tone that she was anything but.
Fuck.
Chrollo, you idiot.
"I figured you would need to know," Pakunoda said, turning to leave.
"Wait," said Kurapika. He got to his feet. "Can I visit him? Is he actually in jail?"
"I don't know. It'll be—not good for him. I heard the school's already involved as well. There's a significant chance he'll be expelled. Hisoka got a warning from Netero."
Kurapika clutched his chin. This can't be happening.
They stole. It was wrong. They're thieves, and this is justice.
No, this isn't. I wanted people to—be better.
No, I wanted them punished, to feel better about myself, to punish myself. I didn't want justice after all, not ever. I just wanted—someone else to be in pain, too.
But if justice exists, it would be merciful.
"Leorio," whispered Kurapika. "Cheadle—"
"I'll call her, but I don't know if they can do any more cases pro bono."
"I have an inheritance," Kurapika said. "From my parents." He met Leorio's gaze. He couldn't look at Pairo. "For the criminal case. I'll pay for it. It's not serious, is it?"
"I'm no law student; I don't know." Pakunoda sighed. "He'll definitely be expelled."
Kurapika gritted his teeth. He remembered the past year, since his parents died, that feeling of drifting, tumbling through a void with no air to breath and yet no way to die, and he was screaming for someone to love him, and he couldn't even hear himself. And he thought he'd finally found someone to hold him.
No, he found someone to help him see. Because he always had those people, even after his parents died.
Pairo. Leorio. Killua and Gon, even. Now Chrollo.
"Tserriednich is working with Bizeff," he said. "It's wrong." That is the opposite of justice.
If anyone should be expelled or fired, it should be them! Nasubi. Tserriednich. Bizeff. But they'll be protected, won't they?
He still couldn't regret helping Palm.
A hand landed on his shoulder. Kurapika looked up. Pairo, comforting him.
I believe there's good in you, even if you fucked up. You believed it about me.
And I'm going to make sure you know, Chrollo, just how loved you are.
