A/N: thank you for the reviews, they are my life force and I so love them! Also authorgirl, thank you! for the advice, I couldn't quite figure it out but I am v sleepy.


It takes Olivia about ten minutes to move to the couch and collect the sweatshirt Rafael left for her, she presses her face into it at once. She doesn't want to be angry at him, she truly doesn't, but she can't help it. Dr. Lindstrom is always reminding her that anger is a secondary emotion, Liv isn't sure what exactly this is coming from however, there are too many emotions to choose from.

Falling onto the cushions beside her Liv cries again, she had texted Fin this morning, when she woke up the first time, so he knew she would be taking a personal day. Thinking about having nothing but time to herself today is totally unappealing.

She picks up her phone and her thumb hovers over Lucia's name while she debates if it's still okay to call her. Olivia isn't sure if it is appropriate considering she basically just kicked the woman's son out of her home. But there isn't anyone who knows everything about this, not like Lucia does, so Liv decides to call and let Lucia decide what she wants to do.

"Hola corazoncita, to what do I owe the pleasure?" Lucia answers as if everything is normal, Olivia doesn't even know if she can say what that is anymore.

Rafael must not have gotten home yet, Liv realizes. The thought rips a sob from her, it is the only answer she can get out before Lucia is talking again.

"Shh, shh mija, it's okay. I'm here. What is it? Has Rafi done something stupid, I swear that boy. He can act as confident as he likes but he never knew what to do with his heart and all that love." her words come in a rapid pace, leaving Lucia's mouth as if storming out.

Not moving or speaking for the duration of Lucia's small rant Olivia gives herself a jolt to get her mind and body working in tandem again, "no," it is raspy and barely audible, Liv tries to get something more to leave her throat. "No," it's a dreadful sound, broken and clogged by crying.

Taking a big breath Liv clears her throat and tries again, "no, no, it wasn't Rafa. He was, he's perfect," Lucia snorts at the other end of the line. It makes Liv smile through her crying, "it's me. I am so confused, I'm angry and scared just as much as I'm relieved and elated about him coming back.

"I sent him away, back to you I guess. Sorry, I shouldn't have called, I just didn't know what to do." the smile is gone off Liv's face and her words are being muffled due to her dropping her forehead to the arm of the couch, not having the energy to keep herself upright any longer.

"Don't be silly corazoncita, I'm glad you called. Can I come over or would you like to be alone?" Lucia's tone is so soft and comforting to Liv's ears that it nearly hurts that she isn't with her already.

It feels pathetic to say but Liv asks anyway, "will you come over?"

"Claro, I'll be there as quick as I can," the line goes dead right away.

It isn't long before Lucia arrives at Olivia's door, she gives a soft knock before letting herself in. She finds Olivia curled in the fetal position, only in a semi upright position with the help of the arm of the couch, gazing off in the distance. Discarding her coat Lucia heads straight for the woman on the couch.

"Olivia look at me mija, talk to me," Lucia makes her request immediately upon sitting herself down at Olivia's hip.

The older woman pulls the younger into her chest, cradling her to her breast, just over her heart. It is so like an action a mother would make with their child that Olivia gets lost in the moment. So rarely had she ever experienced a feeling of being mothered and she wants it all.

Sniffling up the remaining tears Liv falls entirely into Lucia, "I don't know what to do Mom." Olivia tenses instantly at her slip.

Her mind has long since cast Lucia in the role of mother but Liv didn't mean for it to come out into the real world. And certainly never to Lucia herself. But everything is so raw and open in her head at the moment that Olivia couldn't hold it in.

Knowing Olivia's next move will be to pull away Lucia instead drags her closer, bringing Liv's legs to rest over her own and running soothing fingers through her hair.

"Mirame mija," Spanish is a comfort for Lucia, she is so overjoyed to be able to speak it with Olivia. "Let me help you figure it out, talk to me."

Turning her face up to Lucia Oliva looks young, she has the tentative expression about her features like one might find on a teenager who finds out how little they actually know about the world around them, contrary to what they had believed.

Then a smile breaks out, "mija," Lucia nods and drops a kiss to Olivia's cheek. Sighing Liv gets into her turmoil, "I feel like I should be beyond happy to have Rafa back, and I am, but it hurt so much when he was gone.

"I've been heartbroken without him for the last seven months and I don't think my mind and my heart have caught up with each other about it. So I asked him for some time, and he just looked so broken over it. He tried to hide it and and he didn't argue but I could see how much it affected him.

"I'm scared that if I don't give myself time to process all of this it will fester and explode down the road. That's not what I want, I want us to be happy. Am I doing the right thing?"

Cupping Olivia's cheek with one hand Lucia can't help but think of how similar Liv and Rafi can be, always using only part of themselves to work through things. Rafi is all logic and reason, there is right and wrong in the world and everything can be placed into neat boxes. Liv is all heart; feelings and reactions guide her and things tend to get blurred together. Neither of them have really been able to get through something using their hearts and their minds. Lucia has had enough of it.

"Olivia," the way Lucia says it makes Liv appreciate her name, it's lyrical and loving. "You are doing exactly the right thing. Like you said your heart and your head are in different places right now. Take a step away, get to a place where they both meet up and go from there."

Lucia is stern in her reassurance, leaving no room for doubt, Olivia wouldn't dare to do so anyway. One does not easily go against Lucia Barba. Not even Olivia Benson. And especially not Rafael Barba.

"Now why don't we give ourselves something to do, hmm?" Lucia will let Olivia choose what it will be.

Slipping off the couch, standing back on her own two feet Liv gives her input, "yes, I think I need to keep busy today."

Well Lucia had intended to let Olivia decide what to do but when she hears the young woman's stomach groan in protest for food Lucia raises an eyebrow, "when was the last time you were able to get some groceries?" She doesn't wait for a proper answer, the pink tint to Liv's skin is enough of one, "we'll go to the store and stock up on supplies, and then, we cook."

As if she really has a say in how the day will go Olivia seemingly gives her permission for the plan's commencement, "and then we cook."

They plan their day out so that any cooking they are doing will be at a sensible stopping point when Rafael arrives from collecting Noah. This way Lucia will be able to excuse herself easily and take Rafa with her. No need for awkwardness where it can be avoided.

It goes surprisingly well, their plan. Liv and Lucia have done plenty of meal prep and Olivia is left with detailed instructions on what to do next after Lucia makes her way home with her son.

Noah keeps the atmosphere light, kids are good for that kind of thing. Lucia kisses the Benson's goodbye while Rafael promises to see them in the morning to take Noah to school.

Sure enough the next morning Rafael was at the Benson apartment knocking and preparing to collect Noah.

A squeaky voice calls through the door, "who is it?"

There is nothing this little boy can't make better Rafael thinks, including his mood, "it's Rafa!"

The door opens momentarily and Rafa is greeted by Noah, an Eggo waffle hanging out of his mouth. Noah waves and motions Rafael into the apartment. He chews and swallows the bite he had taken and welcomes Rafa properly with a 'hello.'

"Hola amigo," Rafa returns good naturedly.

Noah continues to make his way back into the kitchen, "Mama's in the shower but she left you this," he points to something on the table.

Stepping up to the table Rafael sees his favorite chocolate bar and a small piece of paper with Liv's writing scrawling across it. Noticing how neat it is, which only ever happens if she is really taking her time and cares about what she is writing. Rafa feels the rest of his mood lift.

"Rafa,

I didn't even realize I bought this for you one day until I got to my office, it's been in the fridge since. Waiting for you. Hopefully it has gotten better with age. If it hasn't don't tell me, it's the thought that's supposed to count!

Sorry to miss you this morning, Noah was a wild man just knowing you were coming so I'm behind.

xo

Liv"

When Liv told him she needed space Rafa heard her and was doing his best to respect it, which has already been difficult in the less than 24 hours since she asked, but seeing the hope in writing has begun to lift his spirits. The outcome of all this might have the happy ending Rafael has been dreaming about and denying himself for a very long time.

Noah and Rafael finish readying the boy for school in record time. They are out the door with plenty of time to spare.

"Hey Rafa," tugging on the man's hand Noah grabs Rafael's attention.

Smiling down in Noah's direction Rafa follows his lead, "hey Noah," ending with a gentle tug on the small hand he has enveloped in his grasp.

Giggling Noah pulls back on Rafa's hand, stretching the battle that has started, "will you read me a bedtime story tonight?"

Wagging their hands back and forth Rafa does his best to maintain the easy expression on his face and hide the disappointment he feels, "not tonight amigo, but I can read to you after school? How about that?"

Noah doesn't do as well hiding his disappointment, if he even tried at all, but accepts the offer nevertheless, "I guess so."

Wednesday, the following afternoon, Rafael is excited to be picking up Noah again, he has a plan. He hopes it's cute like he is imagining in his head and not weird. It is cute, he tells himself, definitely not at all weird. Besides, Rafa reminds himself, she started it all.

When the flow of children comes streaming out from the school doors Rafa spots Noah right away, the boy has a boundless supply of energy that Rafael yearns for, and is sprinting directly at him.

"Rafa! Rafa! Rafa! Look, my tooth is almost out," Noah launches into Rafael's arms and once lifted from the ground stretches his lips to show off his teeth.

And just as Noah said the tooth looks to be hanging by a thread, Noah only needs to breath heavily to get it to wiggle around.

"That looks like it is ready to plop right out of your head amigo," Rafa laughs, topping things off with an eskimo kiss before setting Noah back down.

"I hope it waits until we get home, I wouldn't want to misplace it." Noah keeps a running stream of conversation between them, well mostly just himself, all the way back to the apartment.

Rafael sets his bag down just inside the door and helps Noah divest his backpack, jacket, and shoes before releasing him to the open space of the apartment. Rafa retrieves what he needs from the bag he brought and makes his way to the kitchen counter to set it down.

Noah pulls his tooth from his mouth the moment he enters the living room and shouts, louder than he needs to, "my tooth came out! I'm going to put it in my room!"

Laughing Rafa continues what he is doing.

With more care than is necessary Rafa places a sack of coffee grounds onto the counter, he has attached his own note. This feeling of butterflies and almost clandestine note passing to talk to the girl he has a crush on feels like what he missed out on in middle and high school while he had his nose buried in books. Or was too preoccupied with Yelina. But he doesn't care about any of that anymore. Not when Olivia Benson is gifting him his favorite chocolate, which was still divine, and leaving notes for him signed with an 'xo.'

Upon arriving home that night, later than she wants Olivia is immediately informed of her waiting present by an eager Noah. Her son lets her know he didn't read the note but he is dying to know what it says. Lucy shakes her head laughing at the dramatics Noah is currently displaying, she has a pretty good idea of what the note might include, or the sentiment behind it anyway.

Liv finds the coffee easily, ignoring the beans in favor of pulling the note off. Rafa's note is considerably longer than hers had been but Olivia knows him and Rafa can never really help himself when he has something to say.

Liv,

One stop on my cross-country tour was in New Mexico. While I was there I happened to find, or actively sought out, the how isn't important, this cafe that served some of the best coffee I've ever tasted. And I've had Cuban coffee.

After my first cup I asked if they sold any for home brewing, thinking I'd get you some, and was given a firm and unflappable 'no.' Naturally this wouldn't do. It took me three days to work out a deal but eventually I got the owner of the shop to agree to give me the coffee, on one condition. She made me work for her, as a barista! I stayed a month and worked for her the whole time, it was harder than I expected. There was a baseball cap as part of the uniform but I drew line at having to wear that, imagine what it would do to my hair.

And don't worry I made them take a picture of it so that you would believe me.

Anyway, the owner, Lenore, and I got to be friends by the end of it all. I never told her I planned to give the coffee to anyone but I must be getting to be predictable in my old age because when she gave it to me she said she hoped 'my lady friend' would like as much as me.

The best perk of the job, bottomless drinks.

Save me a cup we can enjoy together.

Yours,

Rafa x

There is an actual photo included in the envelope and Olivia has no chance to quiet her laughter when she sees it. It shows Rafael standing behind a counter, surrounded by coffee, a blue apron hanging from his neck, and the most futile attempt at holding in a grin Olivia has ever seen. At the outburst Lucy and Noah are immediately curious. Liv thinks that he didn't mention anything about not showing the picture to anyone else so she feels safe letting these two take a look.

Walking over she hands the picture to Lucy who gasps in delight, "oh my God! Is this really Rafa?" It hadn't taken Rafael much prodding to get Lucy to stop calling him Mr. Barba, "I need a picture of this, it is too surreal. When I wake up thinking I dreamt this I'm going to need some proof I didn't"

Olivia needs no justification from Lucy for her actions, she just lets it happen and moves back to the coffee and the note. Peeling the bag open Olivia wants a better smell of her gift. Upon opening it, however, she is met with another piece of paper. This one is small and has unfamiliar handwriting, but her name is written across it so Liv plucks it from atop the coffee beans.

"Olivia,

If what Rafael said about you is true then I'm okay breaking the rules this one time. He adores you and doesn't realize how much he can talk about you, or for how long. I feel like I know you. Treat each other well and be happy.

Lenore"

Liv hadn't doubted the fact that what Rafael felt for her was big and important to him, but having a total stranger say it is definitely reaffirming. She presses it to her chest, with a promise, to Lenore or the universe, or maybe both Liv doesn't care, to treat him well and do her best to make them all happy.

Unfortunately life has its way of disrupting one's plans and Olivia's life is particularly good at this. She gets dispatched to a new crime scene very early the next morning, shooting a quick text Liv asks Rafael if there is a chance he could come over sooner than planned. His reply is swift, telling Liv he will be right over.

They barely have a moment to say anything to each other with Olivia in a rush to get out the door and Noah's morning crankiness requiring attention. They manage only a passing hug en route to their separate destinations.

But Rafael can feel his disappointment melt away when he finds a note from Olivia on the kitchen counter. This one is accompanied by a picture of her, she looks to be in her 20s and it's clear that she is working as a waitress. The note is short and apologetic.

Rafa,

I'm having your picture framed as soon as I find the time to! The coffee smells amazing, we will find time to share it soon, I'm sure.

This picture is from some job I worked in college, I don't know why anyone felt the need to take it or why I've kept it but I guess it worked out well enough.

xo

Liv

P.s. sorry about this morning! Check your pocket…

With abundant curiosity and some well learned caution Rafael slides a hand first into his right coat pocket. He finds nothing there so moves a hand into his left pocket. Here he finds a crumpled note and a small chocolate. Olivia must have slipped in there during the brief hug they shared on her way out the door.

Made you look!

Here's a kiss for you.

Beyond the point of caring how obvious his feelings about this woman are Rafael feels a blush burn his cheeks and laughs at himself but does nothing to hide it.

The next days pass in an annoying repetition of this, the notes they exchange the high points for Liv and Rafa both. Noah and Lucy poke fun at the pair of them as they act like school kids with crushes.

One day, when Rafael is leaving, Lucy says to Noah, "this is like super old fashioned texting Noh."

Each of them topples into the other giggling, with Noah barely able to eek out, "well they are old!"

Rafael pretends to be very grumpy with them both, saying "well you can't text chocolate to someone can you?" Like a curmudgeon.

His conversational partners seem to collapse together further, Rafa does have a point but it is still way too corny not to make fun of them. Rafael is mumbling under his breath while they collect themselves, Lucy wiping the tears out of her eyes. Noah sits up from his spot against Lucy and gallops over to where Rafael is still seated on the ottoman. The boy wraps his arms at Rafa's waist and rests his chin on the man's belly, looking up at him very innocently.

Rafael is a goner and he knows it, and that's before Noah even speaks, "te amo Rafa, aun si eres viejo." (I love you Rafa, even if you are old.)

Pulling Noah onto his lap fully Rafael nudges their foreheads together and quietly repeats back to him, "tambien te amo Noah, incluso cuando tonto." (I love you too Noah, even when you're silly.)

Abruptly Noah sits back, as though surprised, and points to himself then shakes his head, "tú eres el tonto!" He then proceeds to place a very loud exaggerated kiss on the side of Rafael's nose before patting his cheeks and peeling away quickly. (you're the silly one!)

Rafael hefts himself to a standing position to begin making his way to the door, "yeah I'm the silly one."

By the time Saturday rolls around Olivia has been working so long she hasn't been home in over a day and a half. She is exhausted just sitting in her office trying to keep her eyes open, Liv knows she is in no state to be driving but really doesn't want to take a cab. Giving into herself she calls Rafa.

"Hello?" Rafael answers, and it sounds how anyone would begin normal call, not a call with their best friend, Liv hopes she is too tired and worrying too much about things.

Well she knows she is too tired, "Hey Raf, can I ask you a favor?" The question is punctuated with a long yawn.

Rafa snorts into the line at her, "you know you can, what's up Liv?"

She is definitely too tired, getting emotional about Rafael's tone of voice and willingness to help her even when he doesn't know what she is asking. Even when she has been asking for space. Olivia adjusts her phone so he won't hear her sniffling before asking him if he could drive her home.

In the middle of her attempt at justifying her reasons for asking Rafael cuts her off, "Liv," he tries to get her to stop talking, it isn't really working. "Liv, I will be there as soon as is legally possible."

The answer takes Olivia a moment to process while still talking, "... and I would have asked someone on the squad to take me but I already sent them all home and I don't want to make a uni -" There is a pause in her speaking when Liv's brain catches up to the conversation, sighing with contentment she says, "thank you Rafa, really."

Just before Rafael hangs up he leaves Liv with a simple, "any time."

It doesn't take long from Rafael to make it to the precinct, and, even though he doesn't really want to Rafael enters the building to usher Liv outside and into his car. She is very compliant in her sleepy state.

The sun is only just now dawning so the precinct isn't the usual maze of people to navigate through. Rafa guides Olivia out holding her hand to make sure she is still with him with each step of the way. She looks so worn out that Rafael honestly wouldn't be surprised if she fell asleep while walking.

Outside, in the first rays of light, Rafael allows himself a moment to stare at Liv. Sleep is very endearing on her, he thinks. He also thinks about how much he would love to tell her that and maybe kiss her again but if Rafael just gets to look at Olivia he'll be fine with that. He hopes it doesn't stay this way though.

The drive to her apartment is easy, effortless. When the walk through the door the apartment is still asleep. Rafael wakes Lucy for a moment to let her know she can go whenever she fully wakes up, but it is certainly no rush.

Lucy doesn't even bother to fully open her eyes, "k thanks Raf."

Rafael moves into Liv's bedroom to make certain she has safely deposited herself into bed. When he lets himself into her room Rafael finds he has a rather distraught looking Olivia on his hands.

Confused Rafa goes to her side, "Liv? Are you okay? Why aren't you already sleeping?"

The frown of her lips is so deep that it looks nearly comical. Rafael assumes the level of sleep deprivation is exacerbating her emotions and reels in his urge to giggle at her.

Liv lifts 'his' sweatshirt as if that is all the answer she needs.

Luckily, for Rafael, she does choose to verbalize the reason for her mood, "it doesn't smell anymore. Not as much as you do," Rafael knows what she means and doesn't take her phrasing to heart. "You smell like you the most, I can't sleep without this," Liv raises the garment again.

Rafael isn't sure what to do and so ends up staring at the offending article of clothing that's getting in the way of things.

"Stay here with me?" Her sleepy voice is really doing a number on his heart.

Now it's Rafael's turn to frown, he doesn't know if that's a good idea, "I don't know Liv, I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Why don't we make a trade? Give the sweatshirt and I'll give you my sweater."

Rafael would very much enjoy laying down to sleep, cuddled with Olivia but he is concerned that when she wakes up she will be uncomfortable about it all. Shifting awkwardly on his feet Rafa avoids looking at Liv until he hears her sniffle.

Looking at her now Rafa sees that Liv has begun to cry. In a panic Rafa gathers Liv in his arms, trying to calm her, shushing her while he rocks them gently side to side. Their embrace is such that Olivia's arms are pinned to her sides as she was wrapped up in Rafael's. Eventually she bends her elbows and grabs ahold of Rafa as well as she can.

Mumbling through her tears Olivia says, "I'm sorry Rafa. I'm sorry I wanted time, please don't go, don't hate me."

It's how lost and broken she sounds that crushes Rafa's heart the most, that and the fact Liv thinks he is even capable of hating her.

Pulling back mere centimeters, he can't go much further with the tight hold Olivia has him in, Rafa lifts one hand to clear the hair from her face, "no Liv, I don't hate you, I could never."

Sighing he rests his forehead against Olivia's temple, "I don't want you to wake up later and not want me here. I can give you all the time you need but I can't keep walking away like that, it is too hard."

With one arm now free Olivia moves it around Rafael to his front, taking a handful of fabric and clutching him close, "I don't want you to be anywhere but here Rafa. Stay. Forever if you want, that's what I want. I want you forever."

Liv has reigned in her emotions, even in her tired state which caused them in the first place, and her tears have stopped flowing. As she is speaking Liv is able to feel Rafa smile where his beard scratching along her cheek. Rafa's breath is steady at her cheek before he grazes it with his lips.

"Okay," Rafael would have everyone believe he has never felt giddy in his life, but he definitely feels giddy in this moment. "Well let's get some sleep and we can talk about anything you want we wake up, yeah?"

From his spot against Olivia Rafael feels her hum of assent more than he hears it. They separate and ready themselves to get under the covers. Rafael doesn't do much else but stare at Liv while she strips off all her clothes, down to her underwear, and throws the sweatshirt over her head.

Popping her head through the hole at the top Olivia sees Rafa watching her and smiles, "aren't you going to change?"

Somewhat dumbly Rafa shakes his head, "no," he indicates is clothing. Rafael Barba, immaculately dressed at all times, had come to pick Liv up in his jammies, "I'm good."

It isn't as though they are embarrassing looking, it is more just very well worn sweats and a t-shirt that both have some holes and stains, and a cardigan for added warmth. Liv thinks that might be the nicest thing that someone has done for her in a long while. Rafa left his own bed, not bothering to change, to come get her, just because she asked.

"Well if I don't fall asleep soon I'm going to get a second, no third, wind and I think the results could be hazardous." Clapping her hands together Liv motions Rafa into the bed, "hop to it, I'm tired and needy, I shouldn't be kept waiting."

Liv's mood has certainly improved, Rafa laughs, not only at the rapid change of pace but at Liv's words. This is what he has been waiting for.

Soon they have arranged themselves in bed, completely wrapped up in each other. Olivia has the length of her front pressed snug against Rafa's side. She is laying on her left side, the entirety of her left leg is flush with Rafa's right from hip to toes, her right leg she has thrown over his pelvis. Her right arm has been flung over his chest where she is also resting a fair amount of her torso. For his part Rafa has both arms encircling Liv and his left calf is hooked over Olivia's right, keeping her in place against him.

Her face is resting against his neck and Liv has begun to breath deeper through her nose, probably on the precipice of sleep when she mutters against Rafael's skin, "will you go on a date with me?"

Giddy, Rafael Barba is giddy and is at the point of admitting it, to others too, if they were to ask him. A rumbling laugh hums up his throat, Liv can feel it all.

"Okay."

"Tonight?" Liv has managed to get even closer to him, which Rafa wouldn't have thought possible.

"Sure, if you want," Rafa is trying not to rile himself up over this, he really should get some more sleep too.

"Mmm, good. I love you Rafa." Liv has her eyes open now, her lashes tickling Rafael's neck.

She means it, she really does love him, and in this moment it is all too big to hold in any longer. He is here with her and she loves him.

There is a flutter in his heart and his stomach and Rafael has reached a new level of happiness, one he had not been previously aware of, "I love you too Liv."

With another swipe of her eyelashes Rafael feels Olivia close her eyes again as she smiles before kissing his neck. This is the best way to fall asleep, they would both agree were they not so close to sleep already.


A/N: There will be another chapter!

xx