Hours later, with a soul still full of warm magic from a wonderful dinner, Toriel had nestled into bed for the night. She stared down at her diary, shifting under the blankets a bit as her eyes swept over all the new notes she'd taken. She had filled four new pages just from all the information she'd gathered over the last few days alone. The most recent entries had retroactively turned her once personal haven for her innermost thoughts and joke ideas into a something of a dream journal, alongside its other newfound purpose of documenting the information she'd been learning about her dear skeleton. She thumbed through the pages idly, taking in just what a truly cluttered mess it had become.
Pages and pages of information, so much of it sounding too fantastical to believe, so much of it utterly devastating, so much of it enough to send a mind reeling if they dared try to accept it as fact. With all the potentially world-shattering information it now contained, she'd been far more careful to keep it with her and hidden away at all times. Her days of leaving it open on her desk were certainly over, that was for sure. She could only imagine how damaging it could be if a nosy someone were to stumble across it.
A bit of a humorless, weary chuckle escaped her when she reached the page that had started all this, marked with that largely scrawled "Do Not Forget" at the top, circled in red ink. Looking at it now, it was hard not to laugh at her foolish ignorance. She could write every bit of information down and work to commit it to memory all she wanted, but in the end, she was utterly powerless to keep from forgetting it. All that power lied in the hands of her child, who could take all of this from them on a whim. The efforts of her and her dear skeleton would all be for nothing. Stars, the day she had written that already felt so long ago...
She shook herself from those thoughts, turning back to the most recently finished page before glancing at the empty space on the bed beside her. Thinking about the skeleton who would soon be appearing there helped ease her worrying a little. As per their agreement from the previous night, once everyone else was asleep, he would shortcut in here to spend the night with her. Though she knew the true reason behind it, the idea made her soul stir within her. It reminded her of how she'd felt when she'd snuck out of her family's castle at night as a child to meet with secret friends or search for nocturnal bugs. It was something like excitement mixed with anxiety, though this time there were other feelings adding to it as well.
As if somehow summoned by those feelings, a bright flash filled her vision at that moment and Sans appeared beside her. She was thankfully able to compose herself quickly, offering him a welcoming smile without hardly missing a beat.
"Greetings, Sans. Good to see you again." She said in a joking tone, as though they hadn't just seen each other less than an hour ago.
He chuckled and shot her a wide grin back in response, sitting casually cross legged as though the act of teleporting had not strained him in the slightest. He had actually changed before bed for once, something he only seemed to make an effort to do when sharing her room. Granted, he'd only put on another hoodie, this one dark gray with the image of a bone on the front, and a new pair of black shorts. But it was still notable in his case nonetheless.
"heya tori, been a while, huh?" He shot back with a wink, catching on to her little quip. "sorry i'm late, had to help pap get the dog out of his room. the mutt's asleep with the kiddo now."
She giggled into a paw, reminding herself to keep her voice down, but unable to muffle it completely. The fact his smile seemed so genuine made a wave of joy wash over her. It was a good sign, that even with the troubling events of the day, and the impending threat of both their nightly torments, he still seemed rather relaxed. Perhaps all that had happened between them was finally making a positive difference for his mental state. That thought kept the smile on her face as he scooted closer and glanced down at the diary in her hands.
"what'cha writing? haven't seen you break out that old thing in ages." He asked, leaning comfortably against her side.
Toriel angled it away from him playfully.
"Now Sans, you do know it is rude to snoop in another's diary do you not?" She teased, fangs flashing as she grinned.
He shrugged his shoulders before pretending to reach for it with one hand.
"ah c'mon tori, that's where you keep all your best jokes right? share some with me, i'm been so off my game lately. i'm in diar-need of some new material."
That prompted some more giggles from her, but the humor she felt was dulled a bit when she remembered then that he was not aware of all this note taking she'd been doing. With the knowledge that she had now, knowing she had no power to ensure the entreate to herself penned on these pages, there was no point to keeping it to herself anymore. Still, some part of her feared he may not be happy with her for this. She curled her claws into the edges of the diary slightly, taking a deep breath before facing him with a more serious expression.
"Well Sans, I have… not been writing many jokes in here as of late." She said softly, hesitating a moment before handing it over to him. "I have actually been using it to keep track of everything I have been learning about these… resets... timelines, everything you have told me. As well as recording the information from these "dreams" I have been having."
He blinked, expression sobering up a bit as he took the diary from her into his bony hands. A moment passed where he kept his gaze with hers, seemingly taking in what she'd said before he looked down at it. Toriel kept talking as he did so.
"That first day… after I hurt you with my careless words. I could not get your reaction out of my mind. Your fear that I would forget everything you had told me. So at the time… I thought I should try to ensure I would not forget… by writing it all down."
She trailed off briefly, eyes becoming somewhat haunted.
"Of course… that turned out to just be more ignorant foolishness, did it not?"
Her question went unanswered for a bit, as he began slowly looking through the diary. His eyelights wavered with a mix of emotions as they ran over all the words and images she'd scrawled on each and every page. She maintained her silence as well, waiting with creeping anxiety as he perused the notes only she had ever looked at before this point. Eventually he came to the page with the "Do Not Forget" written across the top.
His eyelights shrank considerably as they rested on those words, a few beads of sweat dripping down his skull. He rested a hand on the words, slowly running his phalanges over them for a few moments before speaking again.
"tori... you…" He said softly, voice heavy.
But then he seemed to shake himself out the sort of trance he'd fallen into, looking back up at her again.
"these are some uh… thorough notes here, heh. didn't realize you were keeping such careful track of all this. you put my lazy chicken scratch to shame for sure." He said, sounding somewhat unsure about exactly how he felt.
His gaze drifted back to the diary, locking onto those three words with notable intensity.
"but… even if your original intent was a uh, little misinformed… i… i do appreciate that you cared so much. even then when i was being so… y'know."
Toriel relaxed by degrees, relieved not to be met with anger but still feeling worry swirling about in her soul. She reached over to wrap a hopefully comforting arm around him. Her touch seemed to be enough of a reminder for him not to plunge any further into self deprecation, and after a few moments he leaned back into her touch, and a faint, grateful pulse of warmth came from his soul. She willed her voice to stay even as she replied.
"Are you sure you are okay with this, Sans?" She asked. "I understand if you are not, I would be fine with getting rid of the pages concerning all this if they would cause you any stress."
Sans seemed to consider that for a moment, eyelights going a bit hazy in thought as he continued to stare down at the page. But then he shook his head, looking back up at her with a stronger smile.
"nah, i'll admit it's a little strange to see it all written on paper like this. from someone other than me, i mean. but i totally get that you need to have somewhere to keep track of it all and make sense of it. i remember what it was like first trying to come to terms with… all this. not well, but i do remember. don't worry about it."
With that, he gently closed the diary, tightening his grip on the sides of it as he went on.
"we just uh, need to make sure no one ever gets their hands on this. gotta keep it hidden, maybe get it a lock or something. especially with how nosy frisk tends to be y'know? kiddo even dug around in our garbage back in the underground, heh."
Toriel nodded without hesitation, feeling the last of her more severe anxiety melt away then.
"Of course, I will find something to lock it up with. And I have been keeping it with me and stowed away at all times. I will ensure it stays that way. But if you ever change your mind, do not hesitate to let me know, okay? This may help me understand better but… in the end, these are your secrets and you get the final say in how they are handled, alright?"
The tension in his posture lessened at that, and his grin softened again. He handed the diary back to her and she took it gently from his small hands, returning that smile.
"alright, thanks tori." He said quietly, resting his skull more snugly against her side.
She gave him a little squeeze in reply before moving to put the diary back in her purse and zip it shut, locking away all those dangerous secrets again. Once it was set back on the side table, she returned her attention to him. With how comfortable he seemed to be now, she half-expected him to already be asleep by the time she looked back at him. But his response quickly banished that thought.
"so, uh… i dunno about you, but i doubt i'm gonna be able to sleep for a while. what, with all the napping i got in today, i almost feel well rested… almost. on top of uh… the usual stuff of course, heh."
His grin became a bit strained at that, and Toriel gently took his hand, shooting him a reassuring look. Her eyes grew a bit hazy again, understanding his anxiety all too well.
"I fear it is the same for me, I do not believe I am quite ready to face another one of those visions yet... Do not worry dear, I will stay up with you this time, we can wait to try and sleep for a few hours at least."
She could feel the relief her words brought him more than she could see it on his face, as well as a little embarrassment. He didn't say anything in response at first, just gave a small, thankful nod. Then he closed his hand tighter around hers and let it linger like that for a while before speaking again.
"so uh… anything you wanna talk about? we did kinda get interrupted earlier, probably how its gonna tend to go with everyone back in the house again." He said, voice sounding more like his usual casual tone.
Toriel hummed a bit in her throat and tapped a claw against her chin in thought. Questions and potential topics of discussion regarding both of them swirled about in her mind. She felt no real need to continue discussing her latest returned memory, as they had covered what was important. And she couldn't deny her own, admittedly selfish, desire not to think about her lost children again at that moment. The lingering effects of seeing them in her dream still burned lightly within her soul like scattered embers from a bonfire that had been reduced to ash. So instead, she focused on another thought that had been weighing on her mind, turning back to face him.
"Well… I was wondering about what you told me before I fell asleep earlier today. Your reasoning as to why you are willing to show mercy and compassion towards Flowey, that is. About how you almost… absorbed the human souls when you were a child. I do not feel I retained all you said due to my terrible exhaustion at the time."
Sans blinked once, looking somewhat surprised, but then his grin widened again, oddly containing some level of amusement.
"yah… i can tell you more about that if you want. you were pretty out of it then." He said with a chuckle he failed to restrain.
She raised a brow at him as his grin grew wider and he gained a bit of a teasing glint in his eyelights. She did not like where this was going, only faintly remembering just how foolishly she had been acting then, delirious from fatigue. What she did recall however, was more than enough to make her sweat a little.
"What is with that look?' She asked, frowning in a defensive manner.
His grin widened and his eyelights brightened with amusement.
"nothing, you were purr-fectly fine, tori." He said with a wink.
It took a second for the pun to sink in, but when it did, it made her entire face burn with embarrassment as she remembered some more vague flashes of what had happened before she had fallen asleep. Oh stars, did he mean that she had…? She freed her paws to pull her long ears over her face then, turning away and fighting the urge to groan at her own ridiculousness. The sound of Sans laughing again certainly did not help.
"aww don't be embarrassed." He said with another wheezy chuckle, giving her a pat. "i thought it was uh… kinda cute actually. i had no idea goats could purr."
She peeked out at him from under one her ears with a hard look before letting out a huff.
"Honestly Sans, surely you know that boss monsters are not just goat monsters." She said, exasperated. "Do these look like hooves to you?"
With that, she decidedly placed one paw over his face, nearly totally covering it. She let it be the method in which she stated her point, as well as pushed him away a bit. He stiffened at first, then started laughing again, the sound muffled against her paw.
"nope, guess not. these couldn't paw-sibly be hooves." He chuckled, the vibration of his speaking tickling her paw pad a bit.
That was enough to get the wave of self consciousness that had gripped her to pass. Humor of her own welled up within her again and she couldn't help but let a bit of a giggle escape her, though she tried to disguise it as a small cough. He playfully pulled at her paw with his own hands and she let him lift it off of his face. He held on to it though, and she decided to let him, going on with her explanation with a now mostly feigned expression of annoyance.
"We boss monsters are just as much dragons and lions as we are goats." She said, matter of factly. "The monster councils of old wanted many traits from a variety of powerful monster species for their royal lineage after all. I am sure it was the… lion part of me that was the reason for… that."
She was blushing again after speaking that last part, the tips of her ears turning pink, but she found her amusement was still winning over her more than anything. Even his inevitable laughter didn't cause her any returning vexation. She watched as he cradled her paw, looking at it and turning it over curiously, as if seeing it for the first time. It made her roll her eyes a bit, but also brought a small smile back to her face.
"is this because of the lion part too?" He asked, pressing on her paw pad and causing her claws to extend to their full length.
"Yes, indeed." She replied with a nod, playfully wiggling her digits a little in his grasp.
He grinned wider in response and tapped a phalange against one of her claws, seeming to take in the sharpness and soft curve of them. While he was distracted, a mischievous glint shone in her eyes. She quickly, but gently, closed her claws around the hand he was pressing on her with, flashing a wide grin of her own that made her fangs glint in the low light. He blinked in surprise and met her eyes again with a somewhat nervous smile.
"I have caught you funnybones, but there is no claws for alarm." She teased, releasing his hand with a wink.
The pun hit the mark, as he immediately succumbed to another peal of wheezy chuckling and squeezed her paw back. She could not force herself to hold back and joined him in that laughter, covering her mouth with her free paw to ensure she kept her voice down. They went on with their usual banter for a while after that, forgetting the original intended topic that had been brought up. It wasn't until there was a brief lull in all their quiet giggling and shooting of jokes back and forth some time later that a level of somberness returned to her dear skeleton's face. She mirrored that shift in emotions, drawing him close again as he spoke up once more.
"so… you wanted to know more about my uh... incident with the human souls, right?" He asked, staring idly at the thick purple comforter they were both nestled under.
The words left her soul churning with uneasy emotions. Any mention of the human souls threatened to open up old wounds, and terribly painful memories. She could already see their faces beginning to flash before her eyes again. All those sweet children, in every shape color and size, with their innocent eyes and individual hopes and dreams. All cut down before their lives had even truly begun, reduced to just souls trapped in jars for her ex-husband's plans. She shook the thoughts away, remaining resolute. She couldn't let all that stop her from learning everything she could.
"Yes, If you would be willing to share, dear." Toriel replied with a nod, eyes gentle.
Sans nodded right back, only looking a little hesitant and a touch sympathetic. Clearly, he recognized that this would be pretty hard for her to hear too, given her past with the children that the souls in question had once belonged to. He mindfully pressed a little closer before beginning with his tale, and Toriel felt warmth bloom within her soul at the act, happy he seemed so very comfortable with it now.
"when i was about… oh i dunno, eleven or twelve? ages for me are kinda weird with what ol g did to me and with all the resets. stars knows how old i actually am now… or was back then." He began, words already sounding a bit disjointed.
"I know the feeling all too well, dear." She thought in response, but kept her silence.
"but anyway, when i was a kid, and papyrus was still er… "incubating" in his development chamber, i had a pretty consistent schedule." He began, tone surprisingly strong.
"every morning the doc or one of his cronies would take me out of my holding cell, i'd be given "breakfast", and then be whisked off for the experiment or test of the day. then i'd fail it or majorly disappoint in some way again and again until it was clear my incompetence was unavoidable, or until i got too sick or hurt to continue or passed out or something, whatever came first. all day every day. then it was back in the holding cell, or the isolation cell if they saw fit to "punish" me for something. what i got for dinner depended on which cell i was in for the night. "
He went tense beside her at that, and Toriel wordlessly offered her paw to him by instinct. He took it, closing his hand around hers gratefully. She did her best to swallow back the hot anger that she could already feel flaring up in her throat, keeping it from developing into true flames. She felt her claws itching to extend out again as well, adding to the sudden protectiveness that had gripped her. It was difficult, but she restrained it and forced herself to pay attention fully as he continued.
"on the night it happened, i had been put in the isolation cell for… something. i can't really remember what, maybe for failing the karmic retribution experiments on the death row inmates again, i dunno. but i was put in there for the night, and it was this tiny steel room that i could barely turn around in. it had no windows, bed, sink, chair or anything, just a small light hanging from the ceiling. and the door was vacuum sealed, meaning it was totally sound proofed. i think the quiet was what got to me most during those nights, just this… awful total silence apart from any sound that came from me. it just... wasn't natural…"
Though he was clearly trying not to, he shivered a bit at that, and his eyelights became dim and hazy as he reflected on those memories. But he pressed on with it regardless, refocusing again and keeping his voice remarkably even.
"anyway... that night, dr. felidae, this brown cat monster scientist… a real bastard. he was the one to lock me up. and he made an effort to upset me while doing it, the guy really had it out for me, more than the others for some reason. he was always speaking in these creepy rhymes too... he got me all worked up before shutting me away for the night, raging at me for whatever i did, throwing my meal on the ground of the cell and telling me i would have to eat it off the floor. by the time he left i was a friggin mess… but eventually everything inside me just... gave way to anger…"
Oh Toriel could understand that, given that just hearing about this was wanting to send her into a rage. She gave his hand a little squeeze and he returned the gesture with force. It wasn't enough to hurt, but it prompted concern to join her anger on his behalf. As she took in the darker emotions starting to radiate from his soul again, she made a mental note to keep tabs on it and try to prevent another incident like the one that had happened that first day if need be.
"i was so angry tori… and i let it keep getting more and more intense, until my magic was lighting up the cell like a light show. on top of that i just kept thinking about how desperately i wanted out of that cell, how i would do anything to get out, to save my brother from all this, to get back at them for everything they were doing. it all kept building until suddenly… i found myself out of the cell, back in the lab, just like i was wishing for. it was the first "shortcut" i ever performed, and how i discovered my teleportation abilities."
She blinked at that, trying to imagine how it would feel to suddenly teleport out of nowhere, so very angry, and without any prior knowledge of the skill. Judging from the first time Sans had shortcutted her when they were both running late to the school one day, she could imagine it would be disorienting beyond words, especially for a child. Oh stars, all of this cruelty he'd suffered had happened when he was just a child. The thought brought back the heat to her throat, but she forced it back, only allowing a few hot embers to rest on her tongue as she continued to listen.
"after that, once the shock had worn off at least, i had a lot of ideas on what to do." He said, eyelights sharpening with something like spite. "i wanted to go straight to where my brother was being held, wake him up and take him with me out of that place, but that room was locked and i couldn't get the shortcut to work again."
He lifted his free hand and tapped a phalange against the side of his skull, grin straining as it stretched a bit.
"it's all about focus mini-me, that's where you went wrong." He said in an absent tone, seemingly addressing his former self.
She hardly had time to think about how to take that before he was off again, the spiteful, angry glint in his eyelights intensifying.
"once that was off the table, i just got it in my skull that i wanted to wreck the place as much as possible. but before i just laid waste to the lab in a fit of rage, i took the time to think about it. i wanted this to hurt them… i wanted what i did to destroy them and everything they were working towards, even with how important and noble they tried to make it sound everytime they explained it to me. my emotions overruled my logic then, that's for sure. so eventually i settled on messing with something i knew i could get to, the thing that i knew would ruin them for good... the human souls."
He said that last part in a quieter voice and with another light shudder. Toriel felt herself stiffen up too, soul wracked with a momentary intense ache again. But it passed quickly and she stroked his hand gently with a thumb to encourage him to continue as well as let him know that she was okay. It seemed to work in relaxing him a little, but his tone remained unsettled when he spoke again.
"now... i can't say i really understood the weight of what the doc and his cronies said about the souls. i knew they came from humans but i'd only seen humans in drawings. i knew they were more powerful than any other souls, but i didn't grasp the idea of what ol g and the others meant when they said they could turn a monster into a "god." i just knew that absorbing them would ruin their plans, and that i could maybe be powerful enough to get back at them and free my brother… heh, goddamn idiot..."
That last part had clearly been directed at himself again. He paused as a soft, humorless wheeze of laughter left him, sounding as hollow as a cold wind whistling through the branches of a dead tree. He composed himself quickly though, far quicker than he had all the times they had discussed his past previously. Whether that was a good sign or not Toriel couldn't be sure.
"i went to the metal cooler in the center of the room where the souls were stored and unlocked it using the combination i'd seen ol g input a dozen times from my normal cell. the souls emerged from the floor all dramatic like and i crawled on top to open all the little canisters up. the second i got all the lids off though, guess who just had to show up."
"Gaster…?" Toriel asked weakly, mouth feeling dry.
"ding ding ding." He trilled in reply, tone sarcastic. "yup, ol g himself caught me. apparently, i'd set off some silent alarm somehow. but the tables had been turned then and i knew it, we both knew it. i had already gripped all the souls in my magic. i just needed to pull them to me, and i'd absorb them before he could even blink."
Toriel gulped, realizing just how close he had truly come to that, wholly unaware of the consequences such a choice would have brought. That same unease swirling about in her soul was reflected in the shaky lights of her dear skeleton's eyes, and in the tone of his continuing recount.
"but like i said before, i thought about what would happen to pap if i went through with it. ol g and his team were the only ones who knew how to keep him alive in his tank, and he wasn't quite done uh… "cooking" yet. if i went on some mad rampage… he would probably not survive. that line of thinking plus the doc himself shouting me down for all he was worth and aiming every magical attack in the book at me, it all eventually broke me. and i released the souls and let the doc tear me away from them with his magic…"
This time his shivering re-emerged beyond his control, the faint rattling of his bones coming with it. His sockets narrowed a bit and his jaw set hard, clearly remembering something rather dreadful. Eventually, he looked up at her wearily, still shaking slightly.
"i'll uh… spare you the details of everything else that happened to me that night. it's not really… relevant, heh." He croaked, and the touch of pain to his voice made her soul ache for him.
Despite the cold knot in her gut the statement gave her, she nodded without hesitation, not daring to force him to talk about this any longer than he wished to. Besides, his tone made it clear enough how terrible his inevitable punishment must have been for him that night. She shuddered a bit and squeezed him tighter, feeling truly ill at the thought that any of this had happened in the kingdom she once ruled… and to the monster she now loved. Sans waited for her to meet his gaze again and then continued, voice now softer and containing a touch of fear.
"the point is, i was one moment away from absorbing those souls and becoming… stars knows what. who the hell knows what kind of destruction i would have brought the underground… how many people i would have killed... i might have even gained the power to reset, myself… i have no idea. but none of it would have been good. i would have set monsterkind back decades of work, ruined all the progress ol g and his team made. hell, maybe i would have destroyed everyone and everything… who the hell knows?"
His eyelights dimmed further, falling away from her again as he seemed to stare at nothing at all. The waves of anger and other negativity from his soul calmed then, shifting to light pulses of sadness, maybe even pity. Toriel became rather lost in thought too, mind inevitably trying to picture what Sans would have looked like after absorbing all those human souls, and the image was… truly terrifying. Her imagination came up with something that looked like an even more massive and intimidating version of GB, except with a full, almost draconic body and six skeletal wings containing each of the souls. Something resembling the beasts of legend spoken of in the days of the prophecy.
Of course, she only had what the combined version of Chara and Asriel had looked like to compare, and that was just with one human soul, so she wrote off and banished those intrusive thoughts quickly with a shiver. Sans kept that sympathetic sadness in his voice as he went on, gaze still lost on something unseen.
"i could have turned out just like flowey. i was that same scared, angry, hateful kid once. had i gone through with my impulsive little plan that night, i could have turned out just as powerful as he was too. hell, i might have been worse, since i'm pretty damn sure he didn't start out as embittered and disconnected from the world as i was at the time. all that's part of why i can see a reason to deem him worthy of mercy… and maybe even forgiveness. stars knows that... if i had taken those souls and had become lost and twisted like him… i would... hope someone would do the same for me..."
Toriel felt a sharp pang in her soul at that, finally feeling as though she truly understood. She swept a thumb gently over his hand again, letting it be her silent reply. He had gone quiet again, eyelights even hazier than before. But then his grin slowly softened up and he faced her again with a bit more strength in his voice.
"who knows? maybe this is all it will take for the little weed, some time… a lot of time… surrounded by good people, good food, bad laughs, heh. i'm not one to get my hopes up but… i don't see it as an impossibility. not like i used to."
She blinked, taking in his words with a faint feeling of surprise. Hearing such a thing from him was notable indeed, but she didn't want to call too much attention to it. Instead she simply gave him another little squeeze, resting her cheek on top of his skull. It became apparent to her then just how much truly hindered on Frisk not resetting, how much was at stake every moment the idea even flickered in their mind. But she pushed down those paranoid thoughts for the moment and responded to his small show of hope, feeling that it needed to be encouraged.
"I am sure you are right dear." She said quietly, willing up a small, wistful smile. "I believe that… those things will be the key for all of us to heal."
There was a faint warm response from his soul, meeting her own like the edge of an ocean wave. Then silence fell between them again for a while, both of them letting their stirred emotions settle. Toriel had to take the time to process his story, let it find its place amongst everything else she knew about him. Eventually Sans shifted a bit and met her eyes again, looking weary but not despairing like he had the previous days. His small smile even seemed rather genuine, and it helped her feel better about the whole situation too.
"that's the uh... gist of it, heh." He said, fiddling with one of the drawstrings of his hoodie. "i kinda went off on a tangent there though, huh? sorry bout that, you uh… have any more questions about it?"
Oh she had questions, enough to surely take the entire night and then some. But she didn't want to push this too far, especially when he seemed to be doing better at last. She shot him an uncertain look, silently questioning if he was really okay with this. But when he gave her an encouraging, stronger smile, she decided one or two more questions might be alright.
"Well…. I was wondering…" She began, still with hesitance in her voice. "If you could teleport even back then, why did you not escape the doctor's lab sooner?"
Sans took in her question for a moment, seeming to hesitate over what to say. Pain and faint sparks of fear made themselves known in the magic flowing from his soul. Regardless, he went on before she could take it back.
"well... when it was all over, ol g was sure to slap a magic inhibitor on me. it kept my magic levels from rising enough to let me teleport unless he allowed it, like when he tried to see if i could teleport outside the barrier. that went about as well as anything else they tried with me… heh. and the inhibitor could track my movements and straight up knock me out with a magical surge if need be, so there was that too."
He grit his teeth, working his jaw as though able to feel the pain of such a thing in that moment.
"plus... i didn't really know how to control it all that well back then anyway, and i would have never left that place without papyrus… even though i didn't even know him yet at the time. it's easy for me to look back now and see what i could have done. but… at the time i was just... real demoralized tori. they were sure to burn that rebellious spirit right out of me."
Those words seem to drain him somewhat as they left him, as he deflated a bit beside her and his eyelights dulled considerably. Toriel could only pray with a sickening churn of her soul that he did not mean that last part literally.
"Thank you for telling me all that dear." She said, weakly. "I am so… so sorry… I cannot imagine how..."
He cut her off before she could finish though, giving her paw a squeeze.
"it's alright, i'm alright tori." He assured her. "I mean yah, obviously it wasn't alright what happened. but honestly, with how long its been since then and, well, everything with the resets obviously, i hardly think about those days much anymore. a lot of it has just been… buried and lost under everything else."
She wasn't sure how much she could believe that, given how troubling his reactions had been bringing up anything from that portion of his past. But she still replied with a nod and returned the comforting squeeze of his hand, not feeling it would be right to confront him about that at the moment. In truth, she should really just let the conversation stop there for his sake, but she just couldn't seem to stop another question from rising in her mind. And after another short period silence, of just taking in the soft sounds of the night and reveling in her dear skeleton's presence, she gained the will to voice it.
"Sans… do you… do you hate your father?" She asked, the words coming out slow and quiet.
Though it was a question for him, it was laced with her own guilt, with her own shame. And perhaps he knew this, because he just stared up at her for a good few seconds after the words had left her. She quickly realized the true terrible weight of those words, waving her free paw in a dismissive manner.
"You do not have to answer that if you would rather not." She assured him, wincing at her own carelessness. "It is just… with what you said about Flowey and Frisk… compared with how you talk about him... "
She worried her lip with her fangs before firmly locking her mouth shut, like she should have before ever asking the question in the first place. Sans seemed to be honestly considering it though, unease and tension becoming evident in his body again. He shivered slightly before answering, but managed to force up a grin again as well.
"i... i don't know." He admitted, eyelights flickering a bit in the low light.
"i try not to think about him too much. i mean… he got a fate far worse than death for all he did. him and all his cronies. having to watch the world go by for all eternity as a shambling empty husk, unable to really interact with anyone or anything? i couldn't even dream up a worse punishment than that. so... hating him at this point just seems like a waste of energy. but maybe that's just me being lazy, heh."
His vain attempt at humor failed him quickly, expression turning dull and those flickers of anger sparking up in his soul again.
"i don't think i could forgive him though, not like with the kiddos... they at least have the excuse that they were just kids, lost and broken and not knowing the true cost of their actions. the doc knew full well what he was doing was wrong, he understood it all down to the most minute detail. maybe that's selfish of me or hypocritical or whatever… maybe it doesn't make any goddamn sense. but... what he did… it was just…"
He trailed off, looking away with another shudder that made his fragile frame rattle softly. When he couldn't seem to find the words to complete the statement, she squeezed his small hand gently and spoke instead.
"Too… personal?" Toriel hesitantly finished for him, scarlet eyes heavy.
No reply met her words at first, he just continued to shiver and beads of sweat dripped down his skull. Then he shifted and drew his knees up to his chest, still facing away as he managed to answer.
"something like that…" He croaked, resting his skull on his patellas.
Another pause came to pass, and she turned on the bed a little to better face him. The light of the moon cast its beams down on the skeleton from the window in that moment, making his skull almost appear to glow. It was a strange thing to find lovely, but she did all the same.
"Sans..." She softly spoke his name, taking his hand in both her paws and encouraging him to face her.
He did, but kept his sockets nearly closed, hiding the eyelights that held so much of his emotions from her. She tenderly stroked the hand in her grasp, a sad smile appearing on her face.
"That is not selfish dear. I understand…" She assured him. "I may understand it a little... too well even. I am sorry that that question troubled you. Thank you for being honest."
As she had hoped, he softened up at that, opening his sockets again enough to meet her eyes. She could tell he was searching for something meaningful to say in reply, but eventually just sighed softly, likely in frustration with himself. He looked at her with something of a question in his eyelights, and he must have perceived her answer. He shifted forward a bit, getting himself on his knees and gently pulling his hand away. She understood the gesture, and stayed still as he closed the small distance between them. Only when he flopped against her chest in a clumsy little hug did she return the embrace, happy to see him be willing to be the one to initiate it.
She soothingly traced the shape of his spine for the quiet few minutes that followed. She tried not to let her guilt get the better of her, both over her thoughtless question and over thoughts of her own bitter grudge. A grudge that somehow felt both more and less justified in light of all this.
"If only I could just… be "lazy" enough not to feel so much stress around Asgore…" She thought, resting her chin on the top of Sans' skull.
Perhaps that wasn't the healthiest way to go about it, but it certainly would make things better for everyone. It mattered not though, she knew she'd never be able to accomplish it anyway, such a fretful thing she was. Her thoughts returned then to where they belonged, to the small skeleton cradled in her arms. That protectiveness returned in full as her mind ran through all he had told her again, and she felt her claws extend and a few curls of smoke left her nostrils. She would never let anyone do anything like that to him every again. There had been no one to help her dear skeleton through what could barely be called his childhood. But she was here now, and she would do all she could to protect him from whatever dared to torment him, physical or mental. Oh, if only she could somehow ensure another reset would never come, then she could really stand by that vow. She hated feeling so powerless in that regard.
Her confidence faltered then as her doubts and past mistakes crept into her mind again.
"Sure you will protect him, just like you did such a good job protecting everyone else in your life, right?" He mind taunted her, in a voice she now realized sounded somewhat similar to her mother's. "Do not be stupid you old goat, you cannot protect anyone. You will fail him the same way you failed everyone else who was foolish enough to think you were worth relying on. It is only a matter of time."
The words were so harsh and clear she actually flinched somewhat, having to check to ensure she wasn't actually hearing voices. Stars, where had all that come from? Usually her inner thoughts only turned that toxic when she was at her lowest. This was… so sudden and out of place. She waited, expecting to hear it again. But her mind felt numb and empty, and it did not return. She swallowed and felt herself shiver a bit, subconsciously tightening her grip on Sans. He clearly noticed, and his voice floated up to her moments later.
"you alright t? i know that was rough, sorry if i uh… freaked you out or anything." He said, tone tinged with concern.
His voice brought her back to reality and her unease was pushed to the back of her mind. Damn these intrusive thoughts distracting her again.
"D-do not worry Sans, I am fine." She assured him, cursing the slight tremble in her voice. "I am just… so appalled anyone would ever treat you so badly…"
He seemed a touch skeptical of that answer, or maybe that was just her paranoid thoughts talking. But he settled back against her regardless, and she could feel his soul stirring with some mix of emotions that were just a bit too muted for her to pick up on. She rubbed small circles into his back again, letting the act of comforting him help ground her. Soon her momentary lapse was mostly forgotten, and the now blessed silence stretched on for a short time more until he spoke up again.
"tori… do you think you would… be willing to stay up a little longer?" He asked, sounding a bit nervous.
He shifted back from her a little as the question left him. She blinked down at him in minor surprise, unsure what had prompted it. She was certainly still pretty wide awake, especially with all the new troubling information from Sans weighing on her mind.
"Of course dear, I had planned to do so anyway." She replied, willing up a small smile. "Is there… something else on your mind that you would like to talk about?"
Sans hesitated, then nodded, his grin looking strained. He fiddled his phalanges together in an anxious manner as well.
"well... yes but…"
He shot a glance in the direction of her purse, and no doubt the diary inside it. Then he took a deep, slow breath.
"there's something i... wanna show you…" He said, meeting her eyes with more conviction. "but we'd have to go somewhere... y'know, take a shortcut."
Her brows shot up at that. Well now, that was not what she was expecting. Where on earth could he want to go at this hour? But the lingering unease in his eyelights told her he was serious about this, and that it had not been at all easy for him to ask. That was more than enough for her to agree with a somewhat confused nod, even if it did mean she'd be going somewhere in her night robes… on a school night. Oh stars above...
"A-Alright…" She conceded, lifting the blankets off of her and sitting up fully. "Where… did you you want to go?"
Relief mixed with the unease in his expression, and then he shifted to looking more serious. He sluggishly got to his feet on the bed beside her, just a little above her eye level. Once up, he stretched a bit with an audible popping sound and then slid his hands into his pockets.
"that's the uh… thing about it…" He said, shoulders slumping. "its... back in the underground."
She froze up somewhat, eyes widening. He wanted them to go back…? back to the world beneath the mountain? Surely that the would be the last thing someone with his experiences would want, would it not? She half expected him to announce he'd just been joking, but there was no humor in his eyelights to be found. Her own eyes eventually lost their surprise and mirrored his seriousness.
"Very well…" She said simply, getting up from the bed then and grabbing her purse. "But we cannot be gone too long… I do not feel right about leaving Frisk while they are sleeping, even if Papyrus is here. Plus… we should at least try to sleep at some point tonight, unless you want us both to repeat yesterday's events."
Sans seemed a little surprised at her answer, and his smile softened at it, looking a little more genuine than before. He shrugged his shoulders with the barest hint of a chuckle.
"heh, i dunno. so long as that means taking another cozy nap together on the couch, i don't think i'd mind too much." He teased, cheekbones taking on a bit of a blue hue.
That gave her momentary pause, feeling her own face heat up a bit. Goodness, since when was he the bold one? Even if she had to admit she agreed with his statement in part, she could not help but shoot him a flat look. She promptly picked up the nearest pillow and threw it at him without a word. He giggled as it struck him and waved a hand apologetically to avoid any further "attacks." The sound of his laughter melted any irritation she may have felt and she merely gave a little exasperated huff before offering him a paw with a smile.
"Come on, you bonehead." She teased back, soul warming a bit as he nodded with another chuckle and accepted her help off the bed.
Once he was down in front of her, a bit of nervousness welled up in her soul again and she eyed him with a touch of uncertainty.
"Should I… prepare myself?" She asked, not sure how else to word it.
Sans gave another little shrug and shook his head, keeping his grip on her paw.
"it's nothing… really bad or anything. though you might get a bit chilly. hard to even say that though with how com-fur-tabley you're dressed, heh." He quipped, grin widening.
Toriel let out a sound that was somewhere between another huff and a laugh.
"Well I apologize, if I had known we were going to go on a little "excursion" I would have dressed properly." She said, heavy on the sarcasm.
She was blessed with another one of his wonderful little chuckles for that, and try as she might, she couldn't keep the smile off her own face either. Once the moment had passed though, he gave her paw a little squeeze and stepped closer, expression sobering up a little.
"you might want to prepare yourself for this part though... long distance jumps tend to be a bit more disorienting."
She nodded and her soul did a few anxious flip flops within her as she tensed with anticipation. With her past experiences with his shortcuts, she knew what to expect, but she wasn't at the point where she could banish her nerves before one completely. Sans counted down from three, giving her more warning than the last time they'd done this.
"one…"
The weight of what they were about to do hit her a bit then, this would be the first time she'd been back to the underground since their freedom a year ago. The place that had been her home for centuries, a place that had once been her kingdom. She had left it so quickly after finally ending her self-exile in the ruins, hardly able to take in how it had changed in the hundred years she'd been away. What would it be like? How much would she see? Was it even safe now? Where would he be taking her? What did he want to show her?
"two…"
He'd been secretive about it, only giving her vague hints so far. From his reaction earlier, she could understand that this was not something that was easy for him to do. Whatever she was going to see likely played a big role in all this. Digging into Sans' past truly was like trying to cut the heads off a hydra, for every one thing they addressed, two more would crop up to demand their attention, going on and on in that way. Okay, maybe that analogy was a little morbid, and insensitive to hydras… But the idea still rang true though.
"three."
She tensed, bracing herself, holding his hand tight. The magic building up and racing through him prickled at her paw pads. Their eyes met in that moment before he executed the shortcut, and a final thought raced through her mind.
"Just how many secrets do you truly carry, Sans the skeleton?"
Then it felt as though the world tilted and fell away around her and they both vanished from her bedroom in a flash of blue light.
