Chapter Song(s):

Distraction – Jaymes Young

Higher Stakes – Jeremy Loops

Under The Table – Banks

Cut The Rope – Charlotte OC

Cold – Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz

Belong – Cary Brothers (First Clary & Jace scene)

Storm – Lifehouse

Get Up – Barcelona

Jace: 3 Missed Calls

Simon: 2 Missed Calls

Isabelle: 2 Missed Calls

I locked my phone, hiding from the confrontation of the fact that I had been avoiding those closest to me, for virtually no reason. I had not gone to school for the past three days. Jonathan did, but only due to the fact that Dad would notice if he did, and would get mad.

No one in their right mind would anger dad, if they could avoid it.

My father didn't notice my absentees. To do that, he would actually have to care. I sat in bed, surrounded by the warm covers. I had a single photo in front of me. It was a Polaroid of my mother, taken by my father in their college days. She wore a floral blue dress and spun, her dress and fiery hair spreading out from her in a colorful curtain. Her arms were spread wide, eyes closed and lips spread wide, her entire face a mask of elation. The green landscape behind her was highlighted by the sun, with the fine arts hall of Idris University looming in the distance. Jocelyn, 08/09/91 was written on the back in faded black ink. I turned the house key Luke had given me over and over in my hands, letting my fingers pass over the ridges in the key with each turn.

Rain cascaded over the covering that the funeral attendees huddled under. It turned the sky into a angry, churning, darkness. The smell of wet dirt filled the air. Roses sat atop a casket, the sharp green stems a shocking contrast to the dark charcoal wood they lay upon. Guests huddled under umbrellas together, heads bent somberly. The rain barely darkened their clothes as they sloshed their way through the soaked grass to the line of cars parked at the curb, waiting at the end of the cemetery. Some muttered sentiments to the man standing at the casket, and offered a comforting gesture here and there. Many tried to approach the children, but the elder of the two warned them off, the fierce look not at all dimmed by the tears pooling in his sharp green eyes. The man stood in front of the casket, posture rigid, his white-blond head looking down. What was left of the Morgenstern family stood under the soggy awning after all the additional mourners had left. Nothing but silence and the sounds of the storm filled the space around them. The eleven year old boy, so similar to his father, clutched his younger sister's hand, not letting his chin fall, despite the tears falling down his cheeks. "Jonnie?" I tugged on my brother's hand. He looked down at me. I was nine and he was eleven. He wasn't that much older than me. But still, he was so tall that he had to bend to look at me.

"Yeah, Clare?" He asked. He smiled at me, but it shook. He was always nice to me. Even when we fought, he never stayed mad at me for long. And he would never be mean. Not like Daddy was.

"W-what happens now?"

He lowered himself onto one knee, taking my other hand that wasn't already clutched in his.

"I don't know." He said.

My lower lip quivered. "I want mommy." I cried as tears fell down my cheeks and splattered my pretty black dress. Jonathan wiped the tears that had gathered on my chin.

"Me too." He said, as he cried harder. I didn't like it when he cried.

I reached forward and hugged him. "It's okay." I said.

He shook his head against my shoulder as he hugged me back. "No, it's not." He whispered.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing." He shook his head again and smiled as he rose. I didn't smile back. I didn't like that smile. It was one of those smiles he gave me when we were hiding in his room when Daddy yelled.

"Come on." He said, pulling me in towards Daddy.

"No, Jonnie. I want Mommy to stay. Please?"

He lowered himself to his knees in front of me, his shoes knocking into some of the folding chairs as he knelt on the ground. It was bumpy, and I didn't like this stupid green carpet they put here. The real grass was so much prettier. "Mom had to go away." My big brother said to me, reaching forward to lift my necklace. Mommy had given it to me on my birthday. It had been great grandmas, and then grandmas, and then hers, and then mine. "Careful." I whispered to Jonathan as he lifted it. Mommy told me to be careful with it. It was special.

"Promise me you will always wear this." He said. I nodded eagerly. I'd promised Mommy I'd never, ever take it off. It was my special present.

"Mom will always be with you when you wear this, no matter what. Okay?" He said. I nodded.

"Do we have to say goodbye now?" I asked. He nodded, lifting me and settling me on his hip. I hated my size, except at times like these. Because Jon could lift me, and Mommy could spin me around, and I could jump higher than Simon on the trampoline. It started to rain harder as Jonathan walked over and stood next to Daddy. I realized Daddy was doing something I'd never seen him do before; he was crying. "Daddy?" I asked. He ignored me. Usually he would turn my way and ask "Yes, princess?"
But now he just stared down at the box. I turned into my brothers shirt and grabbed it in a fist. I tried to be strong for him and Daddy. But I wanted mommy. I sniffled, burying my face into Jon's shirt as I cried.

I continued rotating the key in my hands, the metal now warmed by the heat from my hands. My mother's funeral had been closed casket. It had been because my mother was in such bad shape after the wreck, that they decided to have it be a closed casket for the funeral as well as the viewing. No one ever saw inside the casket. God, I was so stupid. I threw the key at the wall with a strangled scream. It dinged as it hit the wall, making a small scuff mark on the plaster. My breath heaved in and out, and I buried my face into my knees, digging my fingers through my hair. My eyes ached, but they stayed dry. The burning in my throat was persistent, but the tears never fell. I stayed like that for an hour. I only knew that time had passed thanks to the beeping of my alarm clock as it changed to a new hour. Taking in a deep breath, I forced myself to unfurl myself. My limbs ached from being frozen in the same position for an extended amount of time. A knock sounded at the front door. My gaze snapped to my door, open to reveal the dark hallway. My feet remained planted in the middle of my room, and I decided to ignore it. The knock came again. Please go away. After the third knock, I stormed down the hall and towards the door. My heart pounded furiously in my chest as I prepared to order whoever it was away. I threw open the door, my cheeks hot with anger as I opened my mouth and just...stopped. Jace smiled at me. My mouth slowly closed, swallowing whatever choice words had been on the tip of my tongue. He stepped inside and walked past the foyer, and into the living room.

"What, did you forget about me already?" He teased.

I shut the door and turned to him, the sudden numb feeling spreading through my body unexpected but unforgiving.

"I know, I said I technically wasn't going to be back until tomorrow, but I just really missed Jonathan."

I stared at him, standing there with a big goofy grin on his face, in a v-neck tee and jeans, with a navy blue NYU cap perched atop his spill of golden curls, and the dam just...broke. My breath hitched on the first sob, and after that, I couldn't stop. They came in a relentless assault, blurring my vision with tears and stealing my breath away.

"Hey," Jace said gently, his grin falling from his face. He pulled me into his arms and I clung desperately to him, my tears instantly wetting his shirt. "I was joking. You were the one I wanted to see."

I gripped the fabric of his tee shirt, burring my face into his warm chest. His arm went around my waist, holding me tightly to him and smoothing his hand over my hair. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked.

He followed me as I sank down to the floor, and eight years worth of grief and pain escaped me in a crashing wave.

Jace softly stroked the hair next to my face. "Wow." He said. At some point, he had moved us so we were held up by the couch. I sat curled around him, my fists still clutching his shirt in a death grip. My head rested against his chest. The skin of my face felt stiff with the salt of dried tears, and an ache had taken residence behind my eyes, but I felt...better. Hurt I hadn't even realized I had been holding on to had been released, and I was able to breath easier. I was still far from okay, but I was better. Jace had held me as I cried, muttering soothing words and keeping me together even when I felt that I would burst at the seams. When I was finally able to get breath in behind the hitching sobs, I'd told him everything. Even Tisch, which was the least of my concerns at the moment. "I know this isn't really important right now. But I've decided to go to NYU. I got in. And I am so proud of you for making it into Tisch. And hey, now I can count on being able to show my girl off around campus." I smiled a small smile and hugged him tighter.

"But...about your mom. God, Clary. I'm so sorry. Why didn't you tell me?"

"It just...didn't feel real." I quietly admitted. "And I didn't want to ruin your vacation or be a burden – "

His arms tightened around me. "Hey," He said. "Never, for a second, think that you could ever be a burden to me. You could never."

A few moments of calm silence followed that, the steady rhythm of him gently stroking my hair calming me.
"What are you going to do?" He asked.

"I think...I think I'm going to hear her out. I have to at least know why. What would make her abandon us."

"Want me to go with you?"

"No. I think...I think this is something I have to do on my own."

I felt him nod.

"But, can you...can you take me there?"

"Of course."

The house looked exactly the same as it had when I had last seen it – which was stupid, because of course it did; it was a house. But somehow, with what I now knew, I felt that it would have changed in some way. Move. I told myself. Open the door. My
hands remained at my sides. "What's wrong?" Jace asked, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him looking at me.

"What am I supposed to say?" I whispered.

"I don't know." He said. "Whatever feels right, I guess."

After a few more tense moments in which I didn't move, he reached over and placed a hand on my knee. "Do you want to leave?"

I shook my head. "No. I need to do this."
He nodded.

Pulling in a deep breath, I braced myself and opened the door. I walked through the lawn, and up the stairs. Pulling the key out, I slid it into the lock. It took a few tries thanks to my shaking heads, but soon it was in and I was turning it. I pushed on the door, and it swung open. My mother sat on the couch, reading a worn paperback, legs crossed under her. She looked up as I stepped in. "Clary." She said, surprised.

I guess I couldn't blame her. I hadn't really thought I was going to come either.

I used my back to close the door, and remained leaning against it for a moment.

"Hi." I managed.

I stepped forward, and she rose, opening her arms.
"No." I held up a hand in front of me. "I'm sorry, Mom. I can't."

She nodded, though her eyes were sad as she sat back down. "Okay."

I made my way over to her and sat down on the ottoman in front of her. She set her paperback on the side table, a business card stuck in the pages to keep her place.

"I know you must have a million questions." She said.

"No." I said quietly, shaking my head. "Just one. Why?"

"What?" She asked.
"Why did you fake your death? Why did you abandon your children? What possible reason could you have for all of this?" A flush spread up my neck, and my heart began to race. I was angry. "Because you better have a damn good one."

While I could tell she wanted to admonish me for that last sentence, she decided to let it go.

"You're right." She admitted in a sigh. "Leaving you and your brother was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but also one of the most necessary."

I bit back a retort. I needed to hear her reasoning, or I would spend the rest of my life wondering.

"As much as I hate it, you are no stranger to your father's temper."
Unfortunately, she was right. I thought back to times when my father had hit me or my brother, and even the foggy memories of when the same had happened to the woman in front of me. It had not happened in a while, at least not to the degree it used to. The last time it had happened, I'd talked back to him, and he'd grabbed my arm so hard it bruised and smacked me against the wall. And that only happened when Jonathan was on a date. When he was home, he stepped in front of me every time. He never let my father touch me anymore, or him. I thought of the fierce protectiveness in his eyes, and how it had bloomed through the many times Jonathan had tried to protect my mother and I, and my mother moving in front of him, hiding his – at the time – small body behind hers. My fingers curled inwards at the memories, my fingernails digging in to the fabric of the ottoman.

"One night, he was particularly angry, and intoxicated. He beat me so bad I thought it would kill me – it nearly did. I feared that one day, I wouldn't be as lucky as I had been that night. And that would mean I couldn't protect you and your brother. If I sued for custody, I would likely have lost. Valentine is...an evil, manipulative, selfish man. He wasn't always that way. I married a man that was kind, and smart, and brave. But he is no longer that man – he hasn't been for nearly twenty years. He would do anything to get full custody of you two, just to spite me. You see, at the time, Luke and I were having an affair. And Valentine found out. I was planning to leave him, and take you and your brother with me. But if I tried that, he would have used the affair as evidence to declare me an unfit mother. So, as much as it pained me...I decided to leave. I needed your father to think I was dead. And that meant that you two had to think the same. I planned to wait until you were both eighteen, to tell you and then get you as far away from him as I could. That way, there were no legal ways he could get you back again."

"In those first few weeks after I left, I almost couldn't do it. I tried to get you two however I had to, and Luke was barely able to stop me. I did what I had to for the sake of your safety as well as my own. I told Jonathan, and asked him not to tell you until you were eighteen as well. I should have known he wouldn't listen." Tears dripped from her eyes and onto the knees of her jeans, darkening the denim. "You were both always so damn stubborn. I guess you got that from me."

"Do – " I cleared my throat in an effort to make it sound as normal as possible, and tried again. "Do you realize what your 'death'" I made air quotes as I said it, standing and starting to pace near the television set. "did to me, to all of us? Dad changed after you – after he thought you died. I'm almost certain he would will me out of existence if he could. I have needed you for so, so many things throughout the last eight years. Throughout the last year alone, I've gotten into a great school, I've grown so much as a person and learned so much, I almost died, and I'm in love with an amazing, perfect boy. Jonathan is graduating in a few weeks, and I'm going to follow the next year. He's going to Stanford in the fall semester. He even got a scholarship. So much has happened to us, so many important milestones and life events. And you weren't there for any of it. We needed you. It was bad enough when we thought you had died, but to find out that you were...hiding from us...and even though I heard every word you just said, and I can understand at least where you were coming from, there is still that little nugget of doubt that you just didn't want us. And there was years and years of mourning you, of missing you every single day, and learning to live not just without you, but with the weight of loss that settles deep into you and never seems to go away. I know you think you were protecting us, but that is what you did to us, Mother. How am I supposed to forgive you for that?"

Neither of us spoke. All that filled the air was my heaving breaths and the birds chirping outside. After what seemed like forever, she stood. She made her way towards me. I shook my head, backing away from her and hugging my arms around myself. Despite my resistance, she folded her arms around me. I stood so still, I wasn't sure I even breathed. Her touch felt familiar in the way only a mother's could. Her floral vanilla scent enveloped me in a welcoming hug of it's own. "I do not expect you to forgive me." She said quietly. She kept one hand on my back, moving the other to the back of my head as she bent and kissed the crown of my head. I closed my eyes at the sudden and unexpected swell of tears. "I completely understand if you hate me, though I really hope that is not the case. But please, baby, never think that I didn't want you. You kids are my entire world. I couldn't possibly love anything more than I love you two. I did what I thought was right. As a parent, all you want is for your kids to be happy, healthy, and safe. And I thought I was giving that to you guys. I am so sorry I missed so much. I never wanted to, but I had to. I know that nothing can fix the past. But I want to be a part of you and your brother's futures, and to do all that I can to fix my mistakes. I want to be there for you, if you'll let me. Can you?"

I nodded against her, uncrossing my arms and wrapping them around her. I hugged her hard as my arms would allow, resting my head against her chest as the tears snuck free past my tightly closed eyelids. Her touch was something I had ached to feel again for so many years. And I savored it, feeling some of the the tension melt from my body.

"You owe me so much chocolate cake." I said, my voice muffled by her shirt.

She laughed, sniffling. "You got it." She said, rubbing my shoulder soothingly.

"I expect to meet this 'perfect, amazing boy'." She added.

I smiled. "Okay."

I didn't say much on the drive leaving the house. I hadn't offered, and Jace hadn't prodded, aside from making sure I was okay. "Do you want to go home?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No."

"Okay."

"But...I think I probably should."

"Have you talked to Jonathan?"
Another head shake. "I didn't handle all of...this well."

"I'm not sure anyone would."

I shrugged "I don't know. Maybe. But I think I need to talk to him. I'm not the only one this affects. Our mother almost literally rose from the dead, and I've been avoiding him. God, I suck. Sister of the year here."

"You just had to deal with it in your own way. I'm sure he did too. Just talk to him."

I didn't say anything in response, but promised myself that I would do exactly that. I jumped as my phone buzzed in my lap. The phone fell off of my lap and onto the floorboard. "Crap." I muttered, reaching over and searching for it in the darkness. As I blindly felt for the rectangular shape of my phone, my fingers brushed something cold and metal, wedged between the seat and center console. I pulled it free and rose, lifting it to see it in the lights of passing cars. The multicolored lights reflected off of the surface of my necklace, the lights causing the little wings bookending the engraved F to sparkle.

"What is that?" Jace asked, not able to take his eyes off the road long enough to recognize it.

I simply smiled.