CHAPTER 4: City of Heroes

It was getting late. Kevin was obviously tired, but he kept himself awake. Vivian tried to make him go to bed, but he kept saying he wasn't tired.

"It's too bad I can't write all this down," he said. "I could be bigger than Crichton."

"Is that your great fallback plan?" asked Vivian. "Turn your memoirs into science fiction novels?"

"Why not? It sounds too sensational to be real, doesn't it? Sometimes I wonder if it all isn't just some dream. Then I get punched in the face by a a supervirus, and I suddenly remember my Shakespeare. 'There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.'"

"You'd know that better than anyone," Vivian said. "You and Mouse escaped through the portal, then. What happened next?"

Kevin sat up and stretched. "I almost killed Mouse."


As soon as we exited the portal, Mouse collapsed. Her body shimmered and flickered like a flame in a strong wind. She fell against me, and I lowered her to the ground. She was in a state of shock, or in sprite lingo, fragmented. This usually happened when a sprite or other cyber-being was exposed to an intense magnetic or electrical force. It was equivalent to demagnetizing a hard drive.

It was like watching her western persona fighting against her real self, and the fight was ending in a draw. One moment she'd be wearing her casual tank top and the next she would revert back into her tweed riding outfit.

I looked around for help. I thought we were in Floating Point Park, but the blue zone was so small, I couldn't really be sure. We were surrounded on all sides by the energy fields, and again, the dark tower loomed over us like the omnipotent burning eye of Sauron.

I couldn't see anyone; Mouse and I were totally on our own. I pulled out the vidpad, which had reverted back to its original form, and checked the nearest game environment. Directly across from us was a red zone that I'd previously identified. Welman, Enzo and Ray were trapped inside. I immediately recognized something was different about this environment. Welman was showing up as an active PID signature when he shouldn't have. Being a null, his personal identification codes were scrabbled beyond the city's sensors capacity to recognize as a full sprite.

I couldn't just leave Mouse out there to die. The only way to save her life would be to take her into another game environment. I scooped her up and walked through the field.

We were in a city. I could immediately tell this place wasn't modeled on any place in the real world. The buildings and skyscrapers that rose up around us were futuristic and sleek and higher than any structure I had ever seen. It was like someone had combined Art Deco with Futurism architecture in a seamless merging of glass, steel and chrome, creating the illusion that everything was cut from solid crystal and painted in gold and silver.

The city was busy with human activity. Cars were weaving through traffic, pedestrians were moving to and fro along the sidewalks. Up above I saw zeppelins move slowly across the sky, powered by jet engines on their undersides. There was a cable car system running along the tops of the buildings as well; they looked like cigar tubes with windows, skimming along invisible chords of spider silk.

Mouse seemed stable, now. Her body stopped fading in and out, and now she was wearing a turquoise catsuit and pumps. Her katanas had also reappeared, one still in her boot and the other in a sheath on her back. I saw a bench nearby and laid her down. My own clothing had changed again as well. I was wearing a brown corduroy sport coat over a charcoal gray V-neck, dark jeans and square toe Italian boots. It was rather casual compared to Mouse's attire.

I turned my attention to Mouse. She was still unconscious, but her breathing was regular, and her hair was starting to sparkle again, which I took as a good sign. Then suddenly, the ground started to shake beneath my feet.

Everybody stopped for a moment, looks of fright and confusion plastered across their faces. That's when the asphalt cracked open like an egg, steam and dust spewing out of the fracture like a pressure cooker. The crack widened into a long crevasse that ran the length of the street. The buildings around us rattled and groaned as their metal skeletons were twisted and warped at their very foundations.

After a few minutes, the quakes stopped and the ground settled. A few curious people stepped forward and looked into the abyss. In true horror movie form, a giant reptilian claw reached up out of the darkness and grasped the edge of the fissure. Everybody shrank back.

A swarm of green, scaly monsters ascended out of the obsidian depths. They were about eight or nine feet tall. Their bodies were humanoid, but their heads were long and had pointed skulls like a pterodactyl. Their mouths were split halfway up their face and had rows of serrated teeth. Their skin was made up of rough green scales like an iguana. Each of their arms ended in a large, three fingered claw with an opposable digit. They had legs like a marsupial which also ended in claws like those on an ostrich. They all had long, sinuous tails that wiggled around like a serpent.

They were pouring out of the fissure like ants out of an ant hill. People shrieked and ran away in terror as the creatures started to attack. One of the creatures locked his two large slitted eyes on me and Mouse and stalked toward us. I remembered the Webley I was carrying and reached for it. Instead of pulling a revolver, I came out with some sort of ray gun shaped like a Menacer lightgun for the old Genesis console.

The reptile stopped midstep, eyeing me curiously.

"You've gotta be kidding," I said, looking at my weapon is disbelief.

He let out a vicious squawk and leapt toward me. I pulled the trigger, and a beam of white light hit him in the chest, knocking him on his back. Two more came at us, their claws ready to slash us open. I took them both down with a single blast each. I was getting some attention now. Almost all the lizard creatures were converging on me. I kept the trigger pressed and swept the beam in an arc against the encroaching beasts. It was like aiming a flashlight and having the ray mow the lizards down as it passed across them.

The beam vanished abruptly. A blinking indicator on the gun warned me that the battery was depleted. I had some seriously pissed off lizard creatures eyeing me hungrily, and I started to back away as they continued to close in on me in a semicircle.

"What in Hell fire!"

Mouse was awake. On her feet and wielding double katanas, she looked every bit the warrior woman even in the catsuit.

"Sawyer, where are we?" she demanded. "And what are these things?"

Before I could answer, one of the creatures lunged at me, taking a swipe at me with his claws. I jumped out of the way, narrowly missing the sharp razors, but not quick enough to avoid getting my jacket slashed. I used the last bit of power in my gun to zap the sucker.

"Just slice the damn things!" I yelled.

They were approaching from all sides; we were hopelessly outnumbered. I prepared myself for hand-to-hand.

Then Mouse said: "Look, up in the sky!" She pointed with her katana.

I looked and saw something flying toward us. It started out as just a little speck then it grew into the form of a human being, flying through the air with his arms outstretched like Superman. It swooped down and drove through the crowd of lizards like a bowling ball knocking down pins. What happened next was a blur, literally. The flying man was taking on all the lizards simultaneously, rushing between them so fast my vision couldn't keep up with him. He'd karate kick one here and punch one there then deliver a roundhouse combo to three or four at different locations at once!

In no time, it seemed like all the invading creatures had been subdued, but more were still coming out of the fissure.

A beam of crimson energy suddenly filled the crack. Mouse and I looked above us; the source of the beam was a silver-skinned man on a surfboard. Ray! He was using his game abilities to fix the crack. The other character slowed down long enough for me to get a good look at him. It was Enzo. He was wearing a tight-fitting superhero costume: a red shirt and pants and black briefs in between with black boots and a yellow belt. Emblazoned on his chest was a single gold lightning bolt symbol.

After Ray sealed the crack, he and Enzo finished with the remaining lizard men. It was then that I noticed the creatures' bodies gradually disappeared into thin air after they were defeated. It must have been a feature of this particular game's mechanics. Nobody seemed to notice except me.

"Hey, you!" Enzo shouted at me.

"Who? Me?"

"Yea, the dope with the ray gun." He sounded annoyed.

"Who are you calling a dope?" I asked, slightly offended.

"You should know better than to open fire in a populated area with a weapon like that," he said.

"I was defending myself," I said.

"The dope ain't much," said Ray, gliding up beside Mouse, "but the lady is certainly well-equipped." His pupil-less red eyes roamed up and down her body admiringly. I don't think he was just talking about her katanas. He grabbed her hand and kissed it. "Martin Mercury, at your service, m'lady."

Mouse let her hand linger for a second then withdrew it. "Uhh...Sawyer. I want an explanation."

"You'll have to forgive Martin, miss," Enzo said. "He's fast on the come-ons but slow on the uptake."

"I take offense to that," Ray said. "I'm a gentleman in every way."

"In every way except the ways that count," Enzo fired back. "Now, about that ray gun."

"Oh, lighten up, matchstick," Ray said. "He probably bought us a lot of time until we got here. He should get a medal."

"And people don't just walk around uptown with ray guns in their pockets," said Enzo. "Sir, who are you exactly?"

"How about you tell me who you are first," I said, "and why I shouldn't have a ray gun, considering the fact my friend and I were just attacked by giant lizards."

"I'm Rex Kelvin," he said, "leader of the Vanguard."

"Which means what to me?"

"C'mon," Ray said, "we're superheroes, mate. You gotta know who we are."

"Sorry," I said. "I don't read the funny pages."

"Cheeky much?" Ray asked.

"Enough!" Mouse spat. "I don't care who any of you are! If somebody doesn't answer me in the next five seconds I'm gonna tear you all a new one!"

"That's...not going to be easy," I said.

"You'd better make it easy," she said, reaching for her katana.

"Mouse, wait!"

"And stop calling me that," she said. "I don't like pet names."

"It's not a pet name, it's your name!" I said. "Look, we crossed over into another universe. Satisfied?"

She unsheathed the sword.

"I don't think that's what she wanted to hear," Enzo said.

"It's the truth," I said quickly. "That's how I survived falling from the train, that's how I brought us here. Look around. Does this city look like any place you've ever seen?" I saw her move her eyes around nervously. "It's because we're not in your world anymore."

"That thing," she said, "before I blacked out. What was it?"

"It was a portal. It's how I got us here."

"Take me back!"

"I can't. You might die."

"Why you low-down, dirty sonofa-"

The ground started trembling again.

"More of those things!" I said.

"No, this is different," Enzo said. He was looking at a holographic image being projected by a computer on his armband. "This is a another geoseismic space-time influx anomaly."

"English, professor!" said Ray.

"It's being triggered by the energy fields around the city," said Enzo.

The earthquake slowly subsided.

"See?" asked Ray. "Wasn't that easier?"

Enzo's wrist computer chirped and a text message appeared. "My dad needs us back at The Citadel," he said. "You two, come with us."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you obviously don't belong here, and I'm not letting you out of my sight until I know where you came from."

A shadow fell over the spot where we were standing. I looked up and saw a flying saucer hovering above us. It must have been as wide as a football field. Two green-glowing thrusters on its underside kept it aloft, but they weren't jet engines. A door on the underside opened up and a column of light surrounded us. Mouse and I were pulled upwards into the ship, Enzo and Ray following behind us.

Once inside, the door below us closed and we found ourselves standing on the flight deck. Ahead of us was a wide, semicircular window which gave us a panoramic view of the city. In the middle and toward the front of the deck was a seat with pilot controls and a bank of indicators and screens. Enzo sat down and we began to move.

"What is this thing?" I asked.

"Hypersaucer," said Enzo. "I don't really use it anymore since I learned how to fly, but I like to take her for a spin every once in a while."

"Every once in a while meaning when his dad let's him have the keys," said Ray.

"Bite me, Martin," said Enzo.

The saucer banked right, and even though I couldn't feel it, I knew we were accelerating because the buildings ahead of us continued to disappear under the window.

"How fast are we moving?" I asked.

"About a hundred and fifty mph. She can go a lot faster, though. I've had her up to Mach 9 myself, and in space she can get up to superluminal speeds with the hyper drive."

"I can't feel the acceleration," I said.

"G-diffusers and anti-friction hull plating," said Enzo. "State-of-the-art mass reduction system. She can stop on a dime and not even shudder."

I saw a tall tower loom ahead of us. It was a gorgeous building, the highest I'd ever seen. It looked like dozens of sheets of metal pressed together, each one taller and narrower than the last until it ended in a needle piercing the sky. A pair of metal doors on the side opened and we glided in. We landed inside a launch bay. Enzo led us to the hatch where we descended a flight of stairs. At the bottom was a green-skinned sprite whose face I was only cursorily familiar with.

After all, I was used to seeing Welman inside an exosuit.

"Kevin!" he said, immediately recognizing me. "Kevin, it is you, isn't it?"

"It's me," I said, astonished. "Welman, you're whole! I'm mean...look at you!"

"Dad," asked Enzo, "do you know this guy?"

"I do, son," he said. "Kevin, I'm so glad to see you. I'm glad that you're you. User, this has been such a stressful cycle." He noticed Mouse. "Does she...?"

"No," I said. "Welman, please tell me you know something."

Welman took me to a large laboratory where we could talk in private. It looked like Lex Luthor's workshop. There were robots and gadgets and gizmos of numerous description and machines I had never seen before except in comic books.

Welman had been restored to his sprite form. He was wearing a white lab coat, slacks, a flannel button-down and a sweater vest. His round glasses were perched on the tip of his nose. He looked like a distinguished professor, which is what he had been before the Twin City exploded.

"I've been able to use some of the technology available to me here to learn a few things," Welman said. "Here, in this game reality, I'm the father of a famous superhero."

"Enzo's character," I said.

"Yes. One microsecond, we were on the jet ball court, the next, I was in this laboratory. Imagine my real surprise when I looked in the mirror."

"Why do you think that happened?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said. "Believe me, I'd like to know myself, but when it became apparent that some terrible fate had befallen Mainframe, I devoted all my energy to finding out what happened. Sadly, I haven't learned much."

"It was a virus," I said. "It called itself Sphinx. It was in the game cube. It attacked me and did something to the sampler device."

"What did it want?"

"It was trying to escape," I said. "I think it tried to download itself into the sampler."

Welman snapped his fingers. "That's it. It has to be. The only way he could have fit himself inside the sampler would be if it had one-hundred percent free memory, otherwise he couldn't fit. It's possible that the virus ruptured the game wall when he purged the memory core, and it caused a cascade effect across the entire system."

"What does that mean exactly?" I asked.

"Game code would have overwritten Mainframe's primary reality simulator and created this patchwork of game realities we're seeing right now."

"I'll take your word for it," I said. "I'm not an expert in this area. I've made it this far by the skin of my teeth alone."

"Have you seen anyone else?" Welman asked.

"I saw Bob and your daughter," I said. "They're okay, considering. They think their world is a noir version of Los Angeles, a city in the physical universe. And then there's Mouse. She thinks she's a Secret Service agent in the Old West. That's something else. Why does everybody except you and me remember the real world?"

"I'm not sure. Possibly because you're a User and therefore you don't have a base code that allows you to reboot. I was a null, so the same theory also applies to me. If the game coding has really overwritten the reality simulator, then it would mean each sector is like its own self-contained universe, and everyone inside would conform to that environment."

"When I first crossed the barrier, Bob and Dot were with me. Our clothing changed, our vehicle changed, but they were the same characters they had been before, and they were aware of the difference in venue. Why didn't their personalities change to conform to the new reality like everything else?"

"Oh, no," Welman muttered. "It must be worse than I thought. The games' base code hasn't just corrupted the reality simulator, its imbedded itself in the system core, almost like a viral infection."

"Welman, there's something else," I said. "The energy fields aren't even. Some isolated areas of Mainframe exist in between."

I showed him the vidpad, which had been turned into a mobile GPS unit.

"Where did you get this?" he asked.

"From a CPU troop who managed to get inside a blue zone. That's not what I'm trying to tell you. The game environments stabilize portals just like normal game cubes do. I used a portal to get me and Mouse out of her reality and back into the real system, but she almost died after stepping through the portal. Welman, I don't think any of them can survive outside the game grid."

"So taking them into the real Mainframe would most likely delete them," Welman said.

"Welman, please tell me you have a plan," I said.

"I have an idea," Welman said. "It might be the only way we can save Mainframe without sacrificing our loved ones."

"What do you mean?"

"The only way to fix this is to trigger Mainframe's system restore function," he said.

"Okay, how do we do that?" I asked.

"The only way is to get into the Principal Office," he said. "The system restore can only be activated adjacent to the reality simulator, which is above the system core."

"I think I saw that once," I said, remembering a tour of the Principal Office Phong had given me. "It's the big green glowing thing underneath the core control chamber."

"That's it."

"Welman, that thing's a bug zapper. How am I supposed to get close enough to it to do anything?"

"You don't have to," he said. "You just need to get the command released, and drop it into the reality simulator."

"How do I release the command?" I asked.

"The command-dot-com has to authorize it," he said.

"Dot isn't the command-dot-com anymore. She thinks she's a classy dame named Gail Wynand."

"That doesn't matter. The security system is biometric; all you need is for her to place her hand on the right console and the rest is automatic."

"That's it?" I said.

"That's it. Mainframe should revert to its last backup point, which was last cycle," he said. "And there's something else, too. Follow me."

Welman led me toward the back of the lab where I saw an unfinished machine. It looked like some kind of teleporter. The circular base was hooked up to a control pedestal which lit up when Welman began operating the dials and switches.

"It's some kind of viewing device," he said, "but I think it can also be used as a teleportation device. So far, I haven't been able to make it teleport anything, but I can see things in other parts of the system, including the Principal Office. Give me just one moment."

A glittering field of white light appeared over the base of the viewing machine. It formed into a two-dimensional circle. Within the circle, I saw an image of the twisted castle, the green fog shrouding it like a gangrenous infection.

The image changed, and we were inside the building, as if we were actually walking through its hallways. It was dark and dank, brick and mortar, the kind of thing you would expect to see in a medieval dungeon only it was everywhere. There were people, too, members of the staff who had been inside when the change happened. They all looked like walking corpses, drained of color and life, walking aimlessly through the corridors as if they had nowhere to go and no purpose to fulfill.

"What happened?" I asked.

"He happened," Welman said.

A new image appeared. It was a gigantic throne, and sitting on it was a true Lovecraftian nightmare.

"Sphinx," I muttered.

He had changed. He no longer had the body of a scorpion or the head of a praying mantis, but a slimy, slithering body composed of countless tentacles and a head that spread open like a starfish. The only thing that hadn't changed was the way the colors of its skin moved as it moved, as if the colors were stationary and he were moving against a projection.

"I don't understand," I said. "Why did he change? He didn't look like that before."

"The Principal Office is at the center of the distortion," said Welman. "It's twisting him, making him more powerful. It's like he's feeding off the game energy itself."

"Where is he in the Principal Office?" I asked.

Welman sighed and removed his glasses. "The core control chamber."

I looked back at the image and felt a familiar knot form in the pit of my stomach.

"I'm going to need a bigger ray gun," I said.

The lights in the laboratory flickered as another quake rocked the earth beneath us.

"What's causing these quakes?" I asked.

"The system wasn't formatted to support all these different game realities," Welman said. "I estimate we have less than three seconds until Mainframe crashes."

I slapped my forehead and let my hand run down my entire face. "Things just can't be easy."

It was later when I found Mouse. She was standing by herself, gazing out the window, her arms folded. The sun was setting, the last dim rays of twilight seeping into the room. Welman had put us up in rooms on the penthouse floor. The spacious living room had a spectacular view of the city. Even I had to admire it. Mouse saw my reflection and turned.

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm a few centuries ahead of where I was a few hours ago," she said. "I'm peachy. How's your week?"

She turned back to the cityscape.

"I'm sorry this happened," I said, coming up to her. "But this isn't my fault. Believe it or not I'm kind of a victim of circumstance, just like you."

She stayed silent, her eyes locked on the setting sun.

"I saw you and that Mercury guy were getting along earlier," I said.

I saw a glimpse of a smile. "What's the matter, tiger? Jealous?"

"No," I said quickly, perhaps too quickly. "It was just an observation."

I saw her drop her arms and she sighed. "There's more to this, ain't there?"

I nodded. "I've told you the bare minimum. Anything more would just confuse you."

"Because I'm some backwards belle from the swamps, is that it?"

"You're not backwards," I said. "I've seen you hack around firewalls, pilot flying ships and kick ass better than Lucy Lawless. I'm just saying it would confuse you because, hell, I'm right in the middle of it and even I'm lost."

"I have no idea what you just said, but it sounded like a compliment," she said. "Who are you, Sawyer? I mean, really."

I shrugged. "I'm just a guy," I said. "God's honest truth, I'm nobody special. It just so happens that my circumstances are extraordinary. I'm living an incredible adventure beyond anything I could have dreamed. Sometimes, like now, I feel so overwhelmed I wish I'd never even built the machine that brought me here. Then I think about all the fun I've had and all the people I've met, like you and Bob and Enzo, and I realize I'm the luckiest person in the-"

She kissed me, right out of the blue. I was almost used to her just jumping me like this. There was something urgent in her kiss, in the way she pressed her body into mine. My body must have disconnected from my brain because my lips and hands started doing their own thing. I moved my hands up her sides, pressing my thumbs along her ribs until I felt the undersides of her breasts. Mouse's hands were in my hair, now, kneading my scalp. I hadn't been with a woman like this in a while, and I was starting to like the idea when I remembered why we had to stop.

Reluctantly, I pulled away.

"What's wrong?" she asked, clearly disappointed.

"M...Violet..." But it was too late. That first syllable had already slipped out.

"It's her, isn't it? This other woman I'm supposed to be. You see her, don't you?"

"She's with someone else," I said quietly. "I don't even think she looks at me the way you do."

"He's not here," she said. "And neither is she." She ran her hand across my face. "Can't you just be with me and leave her out of it?"

My heart was beating fast. My mind was saying one thing, every other part was saying something totally different. I knew I didn't have the strength to resist anymore. I thought of all the horrible things I'd seen inside the Principal Office, and I knew what I'd have to face there eventually. I had something good here, something great, even though it was only temporary. We would both have to say goodbye when this was over. I think Violet knew, and that's why she was offering me this.

This time I kissed her, letting all my stress and uncertainty run out of me like water through a faucet.

I don't know how long it lasted, and I didn't really care. All I remember is the elation, the sheer ecstasy and pleasure of it all. God, to think I'd almost forgotten what it was like to make love to a woman. Well, after four years of abstinence you can't blame a guy for feeling a little piqued, I guess. Then again, some things are like riding a bike; once you learn you never really forget. Lucky for me that was the case.

I laid stretched out on the bed, Violet on top of me, tracing invisible figures on my skin with her finger. The bed sheets were an impossible tangle around us. I couldn't see her face very well. Her sparkling orange hair cast a mysterious glow over the room, and I thought I saw her lips curled in a satisfied smile. It may have been my imagination. We just laid there together for the longest time, basking in the afterglow.

She finally broke the silence. "Mmmm…that was fun." She laughed musically. "You must be a real heartbreaker."

"Actually, it's been a while. Almost four years."

"Could've fooled me," she said. "I feel so sorry for all the other ladies out there. They don't know what they've been missin'."

I felt my cheeks get hot. I tried telling myself there was nothing to be embarrassed about.

"So who was she?" she asked.

"Who?"

She rolled over and propped her head up on her hand. "The only two people who can go on a dry spell for that long are priests and saints, and you are neither."

"I was married once," I said, surprised at how easily I could confess such a personal issue to her. In fact, it didn't feel like such a tender subject anymore, and I kept on going even after I decided to let it drop. "After she died I buried myself in work, and I've been digging myself out ever since, I guess."

She listened silently, and I could feel her crimson eyes regarding me coolly. "I figured you for the settle-down type."

"Which brings me to my question," I said. "You don't really strike me as the romantic type."

"I'm not," she said.

"So why would you chose to spend the night with someone like me?"

She shrugged. "Even bad women like good men," she said. "Besides, I knew what you wanted almost from the moment we met. I wanted the same thing. Anybody can see you're a catch, but even good men get the itch one in a while. I just didn't know why you hesitated for so long until now."

I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her back on top of me. I kissed her, letting my hands roam down her back, tracing the outline of her spine until I reached the dimples above her butt. My fingertips left a trail of goosebumps in their wake.

"I'm glad I stopped hesitating."


"Well, what do you know?" said Vivian. "The cold fish finally thawed out."

"You make it sound so melodramatic," Kevin said.

"It sounds like she wasn't the only one who had fun," Vivian replied.

"I thought you'd be more shocked," said Kevin. "One night stands aren't my usual style."

"Some style is better than none," Vivian quipped. "God...four years. You needed to get out."

"I was in a parallel cyberverse. How much more out can you get?"

"That's not what I meant," said Vivian. "Kevin, why wait for so long?"

Kevin was quiet for a while. Vivian wasn't sure if he'd even heard her. He had a far-off look in his eyes, and he was very still, his steady breathing his only source of movement.

"In a way I was still grieving," Kevin said. "I've been carrying this guilt with me for so long, the temptation of escaping it for a few hours...it was too good to pass up."

"Guilt over what?" asked Vivian.

"I always thought when someone you loved was in trouble, you were supposed to feel something," Kevin said. "You were supposed to know when they needed you. When Jessica died in that crash, I was working. I didn't even know her plane had been hijacked until I turned on the news. That whole day I was in my study, trying to figure out how to reintegrate two-dimensional anyons within a four-dimensional supergravity theory. The whole world could have blown up, and I wouldn't have noticed."

"Kevin," Vivian said, "it wasn't your fault. There's no way you could have known."

"I know that," he said, "up here." He tapped his head with his finger. "But down here." He patted the spot above his heart, shaking his head slowly. "I was punishing myself, Viv. All those years since."

"And now?"

"I'm not okay," he said. "But I'm working on it."

Vivian left a few minutes later. It was after midnight, and Kevin needed to rest. She promised to drop in and check on him in the morning. Kevin dragged himself up the stairs and fell on the bed face first. He was out before he hit the pillow.