CHAPTER TWO
A SHITLOAD OF OWLS
"Get your fat ass off the ground!" Mrs. Figg shrieked at Dudley.
She kicked Dudley's head.
"Get up, you useless piece of shit!"
Dudley was dick dead.
"Fuck it." Harry levitated Dudley.
Harry and Dudley made their way up to the front door.
Dudley projectile vomited on Aunt Petunia.
"What the fuck?"
Aunt Petunia projectile vomited on Dudley. Harry's uncle slipped on his shit.
"Why are you covered in shit?"
"Holy shit — have you been raped?"
Aunt Petunia called the police.
"Hello? 999. Breaker 999. 999 emergency."
Dudley regained consciousness.
"Harry."
"Did he have his way with you?" Uncle Vernon said.
"Did he use — his thing?" Aunt Petunia said.
"Hell no!" Harry said, as Uncle Vernon pointed a gun at him.
An owl swooped in through the window. It shat an envelope.
"SON OF A BITCH!" bellowed Uncle Vernon, as he shot the owl.
Dear Mr. Potter,
We have received intel that you performed two charms this evening.
Under the Decree for Reasonable Restriction of Underage Dickery, Ministry representatives will be dispatched shortly to destroy your ass.
Get bent,
Mafalda Hopkirk
IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE
Ministry of Magic
"Get the fuck out!" yelled Uncle Vernon.
"I'm going to stay here if you don't mind —"
"If you don't get the fuck out I'm going to kill you," said Uncle Vernon.
"I do what I want," said Harry.
An owl collided with the window.
"SON OF A BITCH!"
Harry —
DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR BOOTY.
Arthur Weasley
"What did you fucking do?" roared Uncle Vernon.
"Pulled a knife on me," Dudley mumbled.
"Hey Dudley, you snitch ass mothafucka!" said Harry. "Shut the fuck up —"
"I h-heard … voices," Dudley said.
"So you mind fucked my son?" said Uncle Vernon.
"Two cockgobblers turned up," said Harry.
"His penis? They didn't take — he's still got his —"
She pantsed Dudley.
