CHAPTER THREE
THE ASSHOLE GUARD
I've just been raped by demanters. I want to know what the fuck's going on, you sorry sons of bitches.
Harry addressed these words to Sirius, Ron, and Hermione.
Harry dreaded the thought of the Ministry hearing.
What if his dick was snapped in half?
One night Harry's uncle entered his bedroom.
"Later, you homo," he said.
Uncle Vernon locked the door.
The Dursleys left Harry's bitch ass to starve. He lay in his room.
There was a noise in the kitchen below.
He snatched up his wand. His door swung open.
"Why are we all standing with our dicks in our hands?" said a woman's voice. "Turn on the fucking lights."
Mad-Eye Moody, Remus Lupin, and a bunch of assholes were crowded around the stairs.
Harry stowed his wand into the front pocket of his jeans.
"Don't put your shit there!" roared Moody. "Wizards have lost penises, you know!"
"Who d'you know who's got a stump for a tapioca sprinkler?" the woman asked.
"Lucky the Dursleys are out …" Harry mumbled.
"They think they're heading off to the prize-giving of the All-Limey Fattest-Kid Competish.… Dumb bastards."
Lupin pointed.
"This is Tonks —"
"Please Mr. Lupin, call me Bitches," said the witch.
"And the rest of you peasants no one gives a fuck —"
"We're your bodyguards," said Moody.
Tonks turned her hair pink.
"How did you fucking do that?" said Harry.
"I'm a lesbian," she said.
"You're a Metamorphmagus?" said Harry.
"I was born one," said Tonks.
"Can you learn how to be a Metamorphmagus?" Harry asked.
"Bet you wouldn't mind hiding that ugly ass face, eh?"
"Fuck you," Harry mumbled.
Tonks threw Harry's shit into the trunk.
Back in the kitchen, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Sturgis Podmore were examining a vibrator.
They all stepped outside.
Harry kicked off.
They were flying in fucking circles for hours.
"ARE WE FUCKING THERE YET?" Tonks screamed. "Our genitalia are frozen to our brooms!"
They touched down in a small square.
"Where the hell are we?" Harry asked.
Moody raised a lighter into the air and lit a fag.
