CHAPTER FOUR
THE SHITTIEST PLACE ON EARTH
"Where the hell are we?" Harry asked.
They entered a house.
Mrs. Weasley punched Harry in the stomach.
"Ron and Hermione are upstairs. And keep your shit down."
Harry opened the bedroom door.
Hermione punched him in the stomach.
"HARRY!"
"Let him breathe," said Ron, punching him in the stomach.
An owl landed on Harry's shoulder.
"Hedwig's been a real cunt," said Ron.
He showed Harry the middle finger of his right hand.
"Oh yeah," Harry said. "Up yours.…"
He felt like fucking Ron and Hermione up.
"So why's Dumbledore been keeping me in the closet?" Harry asked.
"Maybe he thinks you are not to be trusted," said Ron.
Harry had a field day.
"YOU'VE BEEN HERE TOGETHER GETTING EACH OTHER OFF! I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THE DURSLEYS' HOLDING MY DICK! WHO FUCKED UP QUEERRELL? WHO LAID WHOOPASS ON RIDDLE? WHO COCKBLOCKED THE DEMANTERS? WHO GAVE VOLDEMORT THE D?"
"Dumbledore threatened to kill us —"
"ONE MONTH I'VE BEEN STUCK IN PRIVET DRIVE, HOLDING MY DICK —"
"We're not allowed to know jack shit!" said Hermione. "Pipe the fuck down!"
"What is this shitty place?" he shot at Ron and Hermione.
"Headquarters for the Order of the Phoenix," said Ron.
"Where Voldy at?" said Harry, pulling out a switchblade.
"Fuck if we know," said Hermione. "We don't know dick."
"So what have you two been doing, fucking around?" Harry demanded.
"We have not," said Hermione.
The door got kicked in.
"Bill's here and queer," said Ginny.
"Remember Fleur Delacour?" said George. "She's fucking him straight —"
"Is Percy here?" Harry asked.
"Percy was promoted to Assistant Bitch to the Minister," said Ron.
"Bet Percy jizzed his pants."
"He's sucking Fudge's cock at the Ministry of Magic now," said Ron, shaking his head.
"Percy said you're full of shit," said Ron. "He thinks you're a grade A bitch."
"Percy takes the Daily Shit seriously," said Hermione.
"They think you're a fucking joke," said Hermione.
They descended the stairs.
Tonks tripped over the umbrella stand, clumsy bitch.
The old bitch behind the curtains freaked the fuck out.
"Oh lawdy Jesus! It's cuz I'm Black, isn't it?"
A man came charging.
"Yoooou!" she howled.
"Superman — dat — HO!" roared the man, swinging the troll leg at the portrait.
The bitch died.
