CHAPTER FIVE

THE ORDER OF THE PENIS

"Who the fuck was that?" Harry asked.

"My cunt mum," said Sirius. "This is my crib. I offered it to Dumbledore for headquarters — I'm a really useful engine."

Harry and Sirius went into the kitchen.

A haze of marijuana smoke hung in the air.

Mrs. Weasley cleared her throat.

Bill put out his joint.

Tonks sent a bag of weed toppling over the table.

"For fuck's sake," said Mrs. Weasley.

"Some'n need a light?" Mundungus mumbled.

Mundungus blew clouds of ganja smoke.

Sirius turned to Harry.

"How's it going?"

"It's been shit."

"Don't know what you're being a whiny little bitch about. I've been stuck inside jerking off."

Fred and George slipped on their shit. Dinner hurtled toward the table.

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO WHIP YOUR LITTLE DICKS OUT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO NOW!" screamed Mrs. Weasley.

Mrs. Weasley beat the shit out of the twins.

"So where Voldy at?" said Harry.

The room was silent. Lupin, who had been about to take a sip of wine, farted.

"You haven't told us jack shit!" said George.

"Don't tell 'em," said Mrs. Weasley. "You ain't even, you ain't even gotta tell 'em."

"He's not a bitch!" said Sirius.

"He's not James!" said Mrs. Weasley.

"Fuck you," said Sirius. "He's not your son."

"Fuck you," said Mrs. Weasley.

"I want to know what the fuck's been going on," Harry said.

Sirius was right, he was no bitch.

"Fine," said Mrs. Weasley. "Ginny — Ron — Hermione — Fred — George — beat it."

"Harry'll tell me and Hermione everything, won't you?" said Ron.

"Hey, don't be looking at me," Harry said.

"Don't look at Harry Potter!" shouted Mrs. Weasley. "Harry Potter ain't gonna help you! Get your asses out — NOW!"

Ron raged quit.