Fanny walked quickly unsure of where she was going, or why she was going in the first place. She paused a moment and remembered, becoming embarrassed all over again.
She took a seat at the side of the road, figuring her husband was not in a condition to follow her anyway. Fanny needed to reflect deeply on her actions.
She pulled a letter from her sleeve carefully and unfolded it. Edmund sounded so happy, begging for Fanny's blessings. She had yet to answer, having received it the day before, hoping Edmund would attribute it to a late post and not a heart shriveling in pain.
Edmund would be a married man.
It was the first time she let the thought completely form in her mind and it was more painful than she had feared.
The letter arrived before Fanny had ventured out to meet Mrs. Hawkins in the morning. She had sunk into a couch, dreading to open it, but she finally did.
My dearest cousin Fanny,
It is a joyous day indeed. Truthfully, I can hardly contain myself.
I regret having so little opportunity to speak to you, my beloved cousin since your engagement. Although I was surprised when father told me you were to wed Henry Crawford, you looked beautiful on your wedding and he looked to you as if you were the only woman in existence, and I knew you were happy.
And now, dearest Fanny, I have wonderful news to impart, I will soon be as happy as you. Mary Crawford has accepted my suit and I will be the happiest man in the world, as much as your own husband, in two months time.
Mary wishes to wed in town and I hope you make plans to attend in advance so we may see one another. I have much business to attend to so I have no time to visit you before the wedding, but I hope and plead you will write to me with your well wishes and tell me of your life as Mrs. Crawford.
Until fate permits us
Yours sincerely,
Edmund
The letter had immobilized Fanny for a good half hour. Her promise to Mrs. Hawkins was the only reason she had moved, and even then it was in a daze.
Mrs. Hawkins knew immediately that something was wrong as soon as she saw Fanny. She had her sit in her living area and sent the kitchen help out on errands. She tried her best to console Fanny with tea and crumpets, but Fanny did not speak a word of what ailed her, not because she distrusted Mrs. Hawkins, but because it was too painful.
Mrs. Hawkins finally asked if she and Henry had consummated their marriage. Fanny answered in the negative, embarrassed. Mrs. Hawkins had promptly given her a wild solution that Fanny never dreamed of using. In fact, she nearly fainted when Mrs. Hawkins presented such a scheme to her, quickly changing the topic.
Fanny was still unsure of why she had gone along with the mad woman's plan. Perhaps it had been the lonely emptiness of her room or the loud darkness that seemed to write the contents of Edmund's letter on the walls. For whatever reason she had made her way to Mr. Crawford's room, imposing on his kindness. She was happy that Mrs. Hawkin's scheme failed its ultimate purpose, but at least the adventure had kept her perturbing thoughts at bay enough so that she could sleep.
Upon reflection, Fanny found many unsettling changes within her in so few weeks. She would have never barged into a man's rooms as she did last night, nor handled a wild stallion as she had this morning. She was consumed with horror from this self-assessment. She picked herself up and continued her walk a little ways. In front of her was the chapel that Mr. Hawkins sermonized in, conveniently when she needed it.
She entered the cozy sanctuary, drawing comfort from the beautiful, yet simple decor. It was empty, Mr. Hawkins possibly in the study behind the building. Fanny slipped into one of the pews and lowered her head in prayer. She closed her eyes and searched for God within her, as Edmund had taught her. Unsure if she found Him, but knowing that she was in the best place to amplify her prayer.
A door slammed open startling Fanny from her meditations. She looked up to see a little boy shuffling through the church, trying to be fast, but trying not to run in church.
"Mrs. Crawford, ma'am?" He whispered to her loudly.
"Yes?" She stood to meet the boy.
"Tis, you husband, ma'am," The boy said fearfully. "Mr. Crawford tried to come after you, but it turns out his leg was broken all along and he fell… again. He was taken back to his home, but he said not to get you. Mrs. Hawkins said to get you anyhow."
Fanny listened to the tale with a hand on her mouth, astonished. Mr. Crawford was hurt again and it was her fault. Come to think of it, the first time had also been her fault.
"Thank you," she said to the boy. She had no coin to give him, but she handed him the pastries she forgot to give Mrs. Hawkins during her visit. He squealed with joy, forgetting himself.
Fanny gave him a smile and was quickly on her way to her twice injured husband.
