"I haven't been sleeping very well the past few days." Q complained rubbing his head as he sat on the bed in sickbay, the doctor scanning him.
"Have you started remembering anything? Anything at all?" The doctor asked, his eyes fixed on the tricorder.
"I don't know." He furrowed his brow. "Flashes maybe? Images here and there. Strange dreams with faces I recognize but I don't know who they are until I meet them in the hall and they say hello. Something about some...thing." He pinched the bridge of his nose again feeling like he was going to get another headache.
"Well something is better than nothing."
Q glared back at the doctor. "Is that your medical opinion?" He growled. "I feel like I'm sick but no one knows what I have so it can't be cured."
"Maybe you should go back to your quarters and rest, I'll have Kes bring you something to eat, maybe bring by a few objects that might help jump start your memory."
"Captain Janeway?" Q asked a little hopeful, he hadn't really seen her since the first day of this whole situation. Now that he had been given time to sit down alone and think he realized she occupied a good chunk of his thoughts, her and that...Amelia was it? In fact, a good portion of his dreams revolved around Amelia, some revolved around Janeway too. Dreams he wasn't going to tell the doctor about, they were fairly personal Janeway dreams.
"Excuse me?" The doctor looked back at him.
"Is she coming by? To help jump start my memory I mean. If we were as close as you and Kes tell me she was then shouldn't she help me?"
"I thought I made it very clear, I don't think you will be seeing much of the captain for a good long while. In fact in the morning meetings she has made it very clear she wants you to keep a good healthy distance from her. I would advise you to avoid her, even if she might help you with your memory issues I'm afraid that is a resource you have already exhausted."
"For how long? days, weeks, months, after the baby is born? Will she throw me off the ship, out an airlock?"
"Does it matter?" The doctor asked.
"Yes." Q crossed his arms.
"Do I detect a hint of pinning in your voice?"
Q sat back on the bed a little more. "Maybe, I don't know."
"These feelings might be some form of your memory returning, of course if you wanted to get chummy with her again you might have not called her fat or a scrawny human."
Q huffed, maybe, maybe not, it didn't matter did it? Did it? He had to ask himself that. A few days ago he thought of the captain as some sad sorry little mortal, certainly she looked rather stunning when she was angry with him but he hadn't thought of her possibly being anything other than a short term play thing. Now he wasn't so sure, did distance make the heart grow fonder? "She loathed me once before didn't she? I could convince her to like me again can't I?"
"Yes but before you only gave her reason to distrust you, now you have given her reason to hate you with every fiber of her being. You insulted her."
"Mildly insulted her." Q interrupted him.
"The point is humans are fragile creatures emotionally. Before she didn't know you and she didn't care to get to know you. Since then she has fallen for you, respected you, trusted you, loved you, and you turned around knowingly or not and broke her heart. PLUS might I add that she only agreed to have that baby with you if you promised to help look after it and act like a real parent."
"PROMISE, I remember, yes I remember I made a promise to someone." Q cried out jumping off the bed and feeling a little excited. He was going to continue on, maybe even throw a kiss on the doctor when he heard a barking sound from out in the hall. "Barking? A dog? What is a dog doing on the ship? Rowley." Q paused surprised he could remember that. "I remember Rowley, Rowley is the dog I made, for Janeway. I gave Janeway a dog?" The doctor shrugged. "Why on earth would I give her a filthy mongrel?"
"Well she does have an affinity for..." The doctor was interrupted as Q ran for the sickbay door and left him alone. "Or you could just leave and forget to turn me off." The doctor sighed. "Computer, end the EMH program please."
Q walked out into the hallway seeing the large Irish Setter walking with one of the ensigns, clearly the dog was not too keen on being with the 'stranger' and the second he caught sight of Q he ran away from the other crew member and dashed towards Q. It was a Hallmark moment as Q squatted down and opened his arms up to the happy mutt. Rather than hug him Rowley fell over into his lap and rolled onto his back wagging his tail so hard it slapped against Q's side. He remembered the dog, the name, where he came from and why but he hadn't remembered how Rowley behaved. Scratching the dogs belly Q broke into the baby talk he use to use on Rowley. "How is my baby boy Rowley, did you miss daddy? Did you miss your papa?" Q placed kisses on the end of the dogs snout and looked back over at the ensign who was walking their way to reclaim the dog. "Oh no he isn't Rowley, you are going to help me do something. Come here, listen to daddy not that bad person. Bad person Rowley listen to daddy and I'll give you your squishy." Rowley jumped up getting to his feet and wagging his tail faster at the word squishy. His favorite toy reserved only for his best behavior. Q had used it to train him, it was amazing how much he remembered about the dog and yet so little about his relationship with Janeway. He was going to fix that, if Rowley could remind him of his life before then Janeway might bring up something else.
Rowley went trotting onto the bridge with a sign around his neck and a rose clenched in his teeth. As the dog walked in Tuvock raised his brow and tilted his head not certain he could consider the dog to be trespassing or a threat for that matter. A dog would also not know it was doing something wrong by entering the bridge without permission. Rather than stop the animal he watched it somewhat curious as to what it was doing. While Kathryn was busy talking to Chakotay Rowley walked over and pressed his wet nose into her arm before taking a seat. Janeway turned from Chakotay and spotted the dog wondering why he was on the bridge. "Ensign Cori I thought I said..." Janeway looked around not seeing the Ensign anywhere. Reaching over to Rowley the dog dropped the rose at her feet. "Why is the dog on the bridge? Who let him in? No animals are allowed on my bridge." Even her own dog, he might have been the captains dog but that didn't get him special privilege. Janeway pulled the note off his collar looking over the rather feminine and floral lettering on the page writing out the word 'Sorry'. She cocked a brow and stood up about to speak up to Tuvock when the door opened again and in walked Q. "I should have known."
"Kathy the most wonderful news...Captain, I meant Captain, I am starting to remember, just a little. I heard the dog barking and I remembered Rowley. Irish Setter, I gave him to you five, no six, six and a half months ago because you like dogs, particularly this breed I think. Did you have a dog like this on earth?" He paused trying to think about it. "Yes, you did, Molly, spunky puppy, she was having a litter or was going to before you left. I think. Am I right? please tell me what is a hit or a miss." For a second a flash of hope crossed her face, a little smile tugging on her lips before it faded. Crossing her arms she turned away from him. "I remembered a few other things, you like roses right or was it lilies? Orchids? Something like that, it was an earth flower." Well that was obvious. "BUT looking through my old replicator records it seemed I replicated roses the most so I'm just going to assume that was it."
"And do you remember what you said to me?" She snapped back, what a temper on her, he was starting to see why he liked her so much. She was awful beautiful when she got angry, that might account for why he could be so crude towards her. Getting a little rise out of her, practically a second hobby.
"Which time? I'm not recalling much more beyond what I just mentioned."
"A few days ago, I remember, something about 'I wouldn't be caught dead with a scrawny little human woman for anything more than a few laughs.' Do you recall?"
"Oh yes, that." He smiled and put his arms up. "All water under the bridge." The way he went about it so casually was what bothered her more than his sad attempt to apologize. Did he even know what he had done wrong, did he care, or was this just about him trying to feel good again? Q did think mostly of himself and no one else. His half hearted apology was not enough, even if he hadn't remembered her he couldn't treat her like that and think saying sorry would fix everything.
"That's not good enough Q." She started walking away heading to her ready room, considering even to have Q removed from the bridge. She shouldn't have to be forced off her bridge by his adolescent behavior. He should be the one leaving.
Q tried to follow her, "Should I crawl on my knees, on my belly? What am I saying, I can't possibly be this desperate or this.." He turned to look at Rowley with a sort of sympathy. He could understand the frustration of begin a dog suddenly. "I don't know which one of us she has better trained, you or me. Did she neuter me too? It feels like it." Again, nothing more but his jokes.
"Get off my bridge." Kathryn order and turned back to face him, her hands on her hips. It was bad enough he had been cruel to her in sickbay, she wasn't going to let him humiliate her on her bridge in front of her crew.
"Captain, Kathryn please with all sincerity I am trying to say, I don't remember us, what we might of had but there are little things and I think I need you. I mean your help to remember. I'm coming to you as, as a man lost in a storm, yelling into the wind and trying to listen for that familiar voice that can...guide me home?"
Chakotay finally stood up and got between them, putting his hands up to keep Q from getting any closer. "I think it's time you go. I'll escort you back to your quarters."
Q backed up looking at Chakotay. He couldn't remember what he use to think about the man before or how their relationship might have been but he knew something now. He didn't like the man, he didn't like the look in his eye, how he was 'standing up' for Kathy. "What's the matter Chuckles, afraid she might slip through your fingers again?" Q didn't even realize he had said the words until they left his mouth and he didn't even know where they had come from. Somewhere deep deep down inside the back of his mind where the darkness and fog stole what might have been his most cherished memories for all he knew.
Chakotay grabbed hold of Q's arm, a more serious look on his face. "Captain? Your orders?"
Q rolled his eyes, "I guess I'm not that well trained after all, she certainly has a tighter leash on you. Stop trying to impress her."
"I'm not trying to impress the captain." Chakotay replied, his tone remaining rather calm but the grip on Q's arm getting tighter.
Pulling his arm free Q took another step back. "You keep telling yourself that but I see it all over your face Chuckles." Feelings and scattered memories were flashing and vanishing in his head making it all rather confusing and constraining inside his mind. Emotions and thoughts from before today, his jealousy showing itself, he didn't like this man, he knew that much, he didn't like how he looked at Kathryn, he never had, that he could remember. HE was a problem, he was a threat, he was competition. "What? Do you think you are the better man? Better for Kathryn, better to play father figure? Do you honestly thing you could fill my shoes."
Chakotay remained calm. "I don't have to." Though Chakotay had meant that in the best way possible to Q it sounded more like a challenge.
Swinging forward Q was unable to stop his own fist as it made contact with the side of Chakotays face. In his mind he pictured the man to fall hard against the ground and to Q stand victorious over him. Instead his hand struck Chakotays face and instantly he pulled it back shacking it and letting out a cry in pain. "You broke my hand on your face." Q cried as Tuvock and Chakotay moved forward to restrain him, the other male not too phased by Q's 'attack'. Rowley got up quickly, his hair standing on end as he growled, ready to protect Q from being restrained. He was moving quickly to go for Tuvock but Q knew when he had to accept the punishment for his actions. It wouldn't be the first time, the continuum liked to punish him it seemed and right now he deserved it. "Rowley, stand down." He ordered the dog making him sit back and whimper, his eyes fixed on his master. Chakotay and Tuvock grabbed hold of Q and waited for the captains orders. Q not bothering to fight against them. "I'm sorry." Q's eyes shifted up at Kathryn.
"Put him in the brig, he's getting off my ship at the next populated planet."
So here he was, in prison, put there by his ex girlfriend. Q had laid down on the little junk screwed into the wall not moving to get up, not wanting to eat his meal, not wanting to talk or do anything but roll over to his side and pick at the wall. He had really done it, now she was going to toss him off the ship, probably start a 'relationship' with Chuckles, they were going to raise his baby, he was never going to meet Amelia. Q let out sigh which turned into a short lived sob. Wrapping his arms around himself he noticed something, he didn't have his powers because he had traded them in for love, now he didn't have love because he had traded it for what? Stupidity? What did he have now? Nothing? Quinn's idea of having lived too long was starting to seem more and more appealing. Why bother, he was mortal, he was going to die alone anyways. Q let out another heavy sign not realizing how pathetic he sounded right now and honestly he couldn't care. Maybe some part of him had hoped Kathy would see him trying to be manly, fight for her affection, he hadn't remembered enough of her personality to know punching that cheap ass in the face would lead to this. If he could have remembered he would have refrained, asked her politely if he could speak with her alone in the ready room. Q was still so lost in his own mind he didn't notice the people talking outside his cell.
"How is he?" Janeway asked one of the crew members on the security team.
"Hasn't moved since he was put in there, hasn't spoken, refuses to eat, whines."
Kathryn shook her head and looked over to the cell where Q was curled up on the cot. "Could you give us a moment alone." She smiled at the crew member, "Don't worry I'm not going to kill him." He nodded and took up his PADD before walking out the door behind her. Standing at the first cell Janeway shut the force field down catching one of Q's little whimpers as his finger picked at the wall. "Q." She called him but he didn't move, still curled up on the cot whimpering to himself like Rowely when he had to be let out. Grabbing his shoulder she shook him a little, not really caring if it made him jump. "Q." And jump he did.
Q nearly fell off the cot as he rolled over and swung his arms to fend off an 'attack'. "Come to finish me off, you might as well, it doesn't seem I have anything to live for." He finally noticed Kathryn and sat up a little more catching his breath and wanting to take back his words. "Ka...ptain."
"I was told you refuse to eat." He was surprised by the softness of her voice, that concerned hint to it, that look on her face. Maybe he didn't remember the little details or the big details but he remembered he loved her, he remembered he loved her enough that he was afraid to lose her.
"What's the point." Q replied losing the energy to stay upright and laid back down. "What's the point of eating, breathing, living?"
"This isn't like you." Memory lose or not, he wasn't this person, hitting Chakotay, acting as though he was defeated.
"No it's not like me but you try to go three days without much sleep, nightmares haunting you, feelings you feel are not yours but they are, trying to remember everything that mattered to you, panicked, afraid, like someone or something is hunting you, you have to warn someone about something but you can't remember what it was. I close my eyes and I see the most terrifying thing, emptiness, nothingness, a man alone in the vast nothing with no family. A hand slipping from my grip, eyes wide with terror, the darkness, the void, the black gazing at me, taunting me. You can't imagine what these past few days have been like. I lost myself and I can't get him back. Not that it matters, I'll be off the ship soon enough won't I? Let to my misery, going insane on some little rock." He furrowed his brows and closed his eyes only opening one when he felt her hand rest on his shoulder.
"Q." She still held that soft tone to her voice before clearing her throat and coming back with a more serious tone. "You attacked my commanding officer."
"I know."
"May I ask why?"
He sat up looking up at her and patting the cot beside him. "Have a seat, you don't need to be standing there for too long." She was reluctant at first but took up his offer feeling like she was talking to the Q she had come to know after their five months together. "Love makes you do funny things, I see how he looks at you, Chuckles, with my powers no one could ever match me but as a mortal...well, how could I beat Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome? He's strong, attractive, I think he might be funny, not as brilliant as I am but kind. If I was a woman I would be all over him. I said some things I shouldn't have, I did some things I should have, I regret them all and I am trying to remember something, anything that I might have said or done in the several months i have known you to make everything better but I have nothing."
"You're jealous?" She paused almost laughing but it made perfect sense. It never crossed her mind that Q with an ego larger than Voyager could get jealous. "Of Chakotay?"
Slowly Q looked over at her, his expression showed just how tired he was, his eyes looking a little puffy from, had he been crying? "Would you think any less of me if I said yes?"
"No."
"Then yes." Q leaned over resting his head on her shoulder as if he wasn't in trouble. He knew damn well he was but if this was the last time he got to see her then he would take every chance he got to be closer to her. "You are going to throw me off this ship Kathryn and I am going to call you Kathryn, please give a man that one dying wish. I made a promise to you, the doctor reminded it of it. I promised to be there for you and our child, to be a real parent, a real father to Amelia and I intend to keep my promise but if making me vanish makes you feel better than I will promise to stay away. Even if I ever did somehow manage to get taken back by the continuum I wouldn't come back."
She reluctantly wrapped an arm around him. "I'm not going to throw you off the ship." Q perked up a little. "But you attacked a commanding officer, their will be punishment for that. Besides you haven't been yourself, you forgot over a year and a half and I understand you are struggling to remember that lost time. That being said you said things that you must take responsibility for." She tried standing up but was stopped when Q grabbed her hand.
"I wouldn't be caught dead with a scrawny little human woman for anything more than a few laughs." Q paused. "That is true, I wouldn't, but you are not a scrawny little human woman Kathryn. You are a brave, powerful, frightening even, Starfleet captain. I didn't remember that at the time, I didn't remember who you were but I remember it better now. You are not just a human woman, you are my equal." Kathryn tried not to let him know that he had said the right words to make her feel like she might cry a little. Despite her attempt to hide it however Q had caught a glimpse of it making him smile just a little. "I'll clean the plasma injectors for the next 70 years." Janeway smiled and let out a partial laugh. "You like roses but they are not your favorite flower because they remind you of your fathers funeral. Red roses everywhere, I covered your bridge in roses and you got upset because all you could think of was that day, your favorite flowers are lilacs because you had three lilac bushes on your childhood farm." Q paused while Janeway looked at him a little surprised he knew that, more so because she had never actually told him her favorite flower. "I'm remembering things, small things but it's there, I read about the lilacs in your diary, the one on earth...when I still had my powers. The one in your dresser...sorry about that too. I put it back where I found it, I think you were fifteen when you wrote that entry. You use to keep a picture of your fiance Mark and your dog Molly, I think you were in it too, on your table in your room, it's not there anymore though, you took it down three months ago, why?"
"For the same reason you gave up your immortality." Q smiled at her lifting his head off her shoulder and resting his hands on either side of her face. Pulling her closer to him he kissed her hoping she would be alright with it. For a while she was, she relaxed in his arms before she was reminded he was still in trouble and she was still mad at him, less so than before. Pushing him back she moved away keeping some distance between them now. "I'm sorry, you still need time. I don't blame you for that." She wanted to get up and walk away now, go back and discuss what sort of punishment they should give him and what more they could do to help him through this difficult process. "Don't let me lose you again." He nodded his head and put on one of his cheeky grins. "By the way when I get out of here can I assume I get to move back in with yo..." She shot him one of those looks again. "You know maybe we need a little space, give it some time, I'll just keep my stuff there, maybe swing by every now and again..."
"If you behave, and don't attack any more of my crew then we can talk about this again. You are still restricted to your quarters and you can start helping the doctor in sickbay again. You will still be escorted around the ship and not allowed on the bridge, my ready room, morning meetings, or my quarters."
Q looked sad again. "So, no Rowley, no time alone with you?"
"Rowley can stay with you every other night and we can spend limited time together at breakfast, lunch and dinner or when I come into sickbay." He let out another sigh, that didn't seem like much time especially if he couldn't be the one making sure she was eating three meals a day, and worst of all she normally spent two of those meals in her ready room.
"And when the baby is born? Will I get visitation rights?" He looked up at her with puppy eyes.
"Don't expect me to be angry with you that long." At least he had a timeline now, he could deal with a few weeks of this, maybe a month total but hopefully after that he would work twice as hard to win her favor.
Q thought about it for a while trying to remember how far along she was. "Five months, that was what the doctor mentioned to me. Four months to go. I can work with that." He reached over to her pausing a moment and knowing he likely needed her permission. "May I?"
"I don't see why now she's your daughter too."
Q smiled and put his hand on her belly. For a moment he could remember late at night being curled up next to Janeway, he normally had an arm around her ow was stretched across as much of the bed as possible. She complained he was a bed hog and a blanket hog but at night he really only fell asleep when he was spooned up next to her. He wondered if he ever talked to their baby, some people did thinking they recognized their parents voices or that if he didn't she wouldn't know who he was. Q was startled a little pulling his hand back at looking up at Janeway. "She kicked."
"She does do that." Now who was being sassy, seemed she picked up something from him. "She recognizes your voice, she didn't do much these past few days until you came on the bridge and attacked my commander but when she heard your voice she started acting up again. I guess she remembers you. You both share something in common now, forgetting parts of your life."
"Forgetting, why what happened?" Q sounded concerned.
"Nexus, Teth, she use to have the ability to project herself mentally like a hologram until Teth. She lost that ability afterwards, possibly her memory from before, the Vidiian attack, Rowley, everything just like you."
"Teth." Q furrowed his brow thinking back on his dreams. He remembered faintly things about Teth and Nexus, he remembered what Teth told him, to not make the same mistakes. Amelia was still in danger, Teth had told him, he would never stop looking for her. Now Q knew what his nightmares were about, he remembered why he was afraid. He remembered why the only reason he could sleep was with Kathy nearby. He was keeping them safe. That had been his real promise.
