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"Well shit."
"Clarke, calm down."
"I had no idea. I'm such an idiot! I should've known, I should've…" Clarke stopped her rambling when she felt tears built up in her eyes.
"Clarke, honey listen," Raven scooted closer and wrapped an arm around the blonde's shoulders, "you had no idea because you couldn't know."
"I still should have– still." She let out a shaky breath. "What do I do now, Rae?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean 'nothing'?"
"Clarke, look. Even if you know, it doesn't mean anything changes. She hasn't told you yet, and she probably has her reasons. So you wanna hear my opinion on what to do now?"
Clarke sniffled, wiped some tears away with her sleeve and nodded.
"You text her, you meet her – next time just be on time –", Raven gently nudged her at that and shot her an encouraging smile, "you take that girl out for dinner, and you just continue like before I googled. Nothin' has changed and nothing will change, and when she's ready, I'm sure she will tell you. Got it?"
Clarke wiped away some more tears and snuggled into Raven's side. "I love you, Rae."
"Love you too, blondie."
It was Saturday morning and Clarke felt more miserable than she had in a long time. She wasn't sure if she had managed to doze off at all the previous night, she remembered to check the clock every twenty minutes, until she gave up at half past five. The scent of fresh coffee calmed her down, at least a bit, but she was still tired and much more than that, she was angry at herself. She wanted to reach out to Lexa after the incident the day before but she didn't want to bother the girl, either.
Although Lexa had assured her that it was okay, when they were standing in front of the brunette's door, Clarke still wasn't so sure. She grabbed her phone and checked the time, 5:42am, and threw it on the couch. A moment later, she released a long breath and went to pick it up again. She had to text Lexa and say something. Anything. She slumped down on the couch, unlocked her phone and opened the chat with Lexa. Her thumb hovered over the screen for several seconds, until she began typing. With a final sigh, she hit send.
Clarke (5:49am): Hey Lexi. I know you said it's fine, but I wanted to say I'm really really sorry about yesterday. I didn't know it would upset you so much, and if I could change what happened – believe me, I would! I don't like to see you sad. You're such an amazing person and if I could, I would give you all the good things this world has to offer, because you deserve them. Please tell me if there's a way to make it up to you again, because I know I won't be able to sleep, like ever again, knowing that you're angry at me.
As Clarke re–read her text, she winced at her words; She sounded like a sappy chicken. She had poured all her emotions out and basically told Lexa she lo– liked her. I'm such an idiot, she cursed herself. Now, she could only hope that what she had read about Asperger's applied to Lexa. Griff, what the fuck. You can't possibly wish for her to be like that. Oh what the fuck. That's who she is, stop pretending she's disabled or mental or something. She's not! She's Lexa!
When her phone buzzed a few minutes later, she dreaded looking at the screen, but she had to know what the brunette had to say.
Lexa (5:55am): Please don't be sad, Clarke. I'm not angry anymore.
Clarke sighed. This was too easy. Then again, if Lexa really was on the spectrum, this could be just what she meant. She knew some people with Asperger's didn't shy away from speaking the truth; In fact, they didn't not shy away, they simply didn't lie. And although most people considered this to be their weakness because it could get them in trouble, Clarke considered it to be their strength.
Clarke (5:57am): Thank you. Really! … can I still watch your competition tomorrow? plus: why are you up at such an unholy time? On a Saturday?! ;)
Lexa (6:01am): Yes, of course you can. I'd like that. And I'm up because I like to get up early. My morning workout is important to me and if I don't get up early enough, I don't have time for it.
Clarke smiled. Lexa was back. And with the revelation about why the girl was quiet and shy and… who she was, Clarke paid even more attention to every little detail and suddenly everything made sense. Routines. Lexa might have every minute of her life planned. That also meant that Lexa would be at the café at noon, because she had mentioned that once.
Clarke entered the small café and wasn't surprised to see Lexa sitting at her usual table. She carefully approached the brunette not to startle her, and quietly cleared her throat to make her presence known, but Lexa slightly jumped nonetheless.
"Hey," the girl's lips curled up into a smile and Clarke felt her pulse speed up at the sight, but instead of answering, she kneeled down next to Lexa, whose expression changed from happy to confused in an instant. Clarke cleared her throat again.
"Lexa," she said in a serious tone, "will you be my best friend?"
Lexa knitted her eyebrows, a reaction that Clarke had expected. "I… I don't know what that means."
Clarke smiled. So lexa. "That basically means nothing changes."
"Why do you want me to be your best friend then?" Lexa asked, another attempt of understanding what Clarke was actually trying to say or ask.
The blonde shook her head but smiled. "Because I– Lexa don't be so difficult. Just say yes!"
"Yes."
"Thank you." Clarke laughed and finally got up. "Great. Now that that's settled, I was just gonna get a coffee, want anything?"
It didn't take Lexa long to come up with an answer. "A hot chocolate?"
"Is that a question?"
"No?" Lexa replied, again confused about Clarke's question.
Clarke laughed. "Is that a question?"
Lexa huffed and opened her mouth to say something else, probably to make clear that she wasn't asking questions, but Clarke waved her off with a grin, well aware of how Lexa sometimes tended to take things too seriously. "Don't worry, I'm kidding. Hot chocolate it is, then. I'll be right back, don't run away!" She said with a wink while grabbing her purse.
"I won't–" Lexa started but was cut off by Clarke.
"I know," the blonde said with a soft smile and left, but her smile slightly faded after ordering their drinks, because she knew what best friends meant. She had just willingly friendzoned herself.
Sunday came and with it, Lexa's Aikido competition, and Clarke did everything a best friend was supposed to do; She picked Lexa up from her dorm, she gave her a stuffed ladybug lucky charm, she cheered for her and she beamed when Lexa won. She wanted nothing more than to hug the shy girl who had, again, badassed her way through the competition and kicked some major ass, but she was aware of their boundaries, now more than ever, being "best friends" and nothing more.
"I won!" Lexa squeaked when she approached Clarke, who had been sitting on a bench near the competition center, patiently waiting for Lexa to get changed, and now quickly got up.
"I know, I saw it! Congrats, sunshine!" Clarke replied with a huge smile on her face. But before she knew what was happening, Lexa threw her arms around Clarke's neck and pulled her into a tight hug. Much to Clarke's dismay it only lasted a second before Lexa let go again, sporting a major blush.
"I didn't– I'm sorry, I–", Lexa stumbled over her words and stopped when Clarke let out a laugh while taking Lexa's hand.
"Don't apologize. Don't ever apologize for hugging me." She said reassuringly with a softer voice, her grin slightly fading because this was important. She wanted to make sure Lexa knew that it was okay, and if she ever needed physical contact, Clarke would be more than happy to deliver. She waited for a moment for Lexa to take in the new information, and when the brunette nodded, Clarke opened her arms.
"Wanna try again?" She asked softly and Lexa bit her lip, contemplating her options, until, to Clarke's relief, she nodded and let Clarke pull her into her arms again.
