RED Barracks
After that frightening moment of being attacked by that Freak Soldier, Painis Cupcake, all of the RED mercs decided to meet in the barracks to decide on what to do if more of these Freaks start appearing in the middle of missions, even outside of Sudden Death.
"I say ve try and capture vone of those Freaks," Medic offered. "Und use them as our secret vepone against ze BLUs!" Heavy shook his head.
"If any of those Freaks are like that Soldier," He said. "We would be dead in 12 seconds." After finishing up with a little targeting practice on the wooden cutouts, the Sniper joined in on the conversation.
"I say we try and figure out how to kill the buggers." Sniper said. "Everything's got a weakness, so what's to say that bloody freakshow doesn't?"
"When he was about to throw me against the wall," Spy said. "He seemed a little oblivious of the situation at hand before I offered peace."
"But when I blew him up," Demoman said, after downing another beer bottle. "It didn't do anything to him, and just made him angry."
"And regular bullets don't do any good." Said Engineer, who was making adjustments on his wrench. "I placed a sentry when the Freak attacked, and the bullets bounced off him like he was Saxton Hale or something." As all the other mercenaries nodded in agreement, they hadn't notice Scout enter the room, grunting to himself, all except Soldier.
"What are you lookin' at, hard hat?!" Scout shouted.
"Son, you're the luckiest among us," Soldier said. "Being that you're the only survivor of that brutal onslaught. I wasn't even killed by that Cupcake freak!"
"It's not that I'm pissed about, Soldier." Scout grunted.
"It's that backstabber who shot you after Sudden Death, isn't it?"
"No, although I'm gonna cave his skull in next mission for that."
"Then what the hell are you so mad about, cadet?!" Scout held out a soda can of Atomic BONK right in front of the Soldier's face.
"Somebody drank almost all the BONK, and left this one half empty!" Soldier lifted up his helmet to give Scout a very stern look.
"If that's what you're so upset about, I should have you run laps on your hands!" He snatched the soda out of Scout's hands and placed it on the bench next to him. Meanwhile, back at the shooting gallery, Sniper had just blown the head clean off a Demoman standee. However, he had to do a double take because he could have sworn one of the Medic cutouts moved.
"Pyro, if you're playin' games with me again," Sniper growled. "I'll shoot you right in the gas tank and you'll be the first man… woman… thing… on the moon without a rocket!"
"Mmph mmph mmmmph mmph!" Mumbled Pyro. Sniper turned his head to see Pyro standing right behind him, as well as everyone else. If someone wasn't moving the targets, could that possibly mean…
"That target just moved!" Shouted Engineer, pointing at the targets. Sniper turned his head and, sure enough, saw a Medic target hopping around. After recovering from a moment of shock, Sniper aimed his rifle at the ground and shot it right where the cutout was standing.
"MeeM!" it shouted.
"It's alive!" screamed Medic. As if on command, more of the cutouts began to move, most of them Medic cutouts. They began swarming the barracks, like locust on a summer harvest.
"It's more of those Freaks again!" Shouted Scout. He grabbed his pistol and began firing wildly at the living cutouts. All of the other mercs grabbed their weapons and began to do what they initially came to do in the first place, take down targets.
"MeeM!" the cutouts screamed, as they began to scatter around the room. While most were roasted by Pyro's flamethrower, the rest were mowed down by Heavy's Gatling gun. Spy and Sniper stood back to back, chopping down the cutouts with a flurry of butterfly knives and kukiri blades. Soldier gracefully rocket jumped through crowds of cutouts, sending chips of wood through the air. Scout pitched his baseball into the face of several targets, all bouncing wildly from each target until returning to Scout's hand. Engineer, Demoman, and Medic were backed into a corner while the Sentry held as many cutouts closed it. Although, the more that perished, the more reinforced the fight. It seemed like the battle would end very soon. That is, until a high pitched whine halted the cutouts in their tracks. The doors swung open, and out stepped Miss Pauling, the Administrator's assistant.
"Alright," she said. "All of you MeeM's go out through these doors and we'll take you home. These are not your forests." Following this order, the surviving targets hopped out the room, down to the last Medic cutout. While all the mercs stood dumbstruck, Miss Pauling walked over to the bench where Soldier put the can of BONK.
"Ay!" Demoman shouted. "What just happened?!"
"Those targets you just had a little problem with, a breed of Freak we like to call 'MeeMs', broke containment a few hours ago along with several others. Another, slightly more dangerous Freak is in here as well." Miss Pauling picked up the BONK can, and hurled it into a locker.
"What the hell!" Scout shouted. "That's my drink!" However, the can tumbled to the ground and stood upright as if it were magnetic.
"You can come out now." She said. While everyone thought that the assistant went off her rocker, the thought was abruptly gone when something stuck out of the can. It was the head of… a Scout. He had a very un-amused look on his face.
"I was takin' a nap in here!" He shouted. As the Scout (wearing dark blue t-shirt), slithered out of the can, the RED mercs jaws dropped further and further onto the floor.
"Introduce yourself." Miss Pauling said. She was absolutely unfazed by the fact a BLU Scout just crawled out of a soda can. He slid on the floor (a lot like Painis Cupcake did) and stood up right in front of the Pyro.
"I am Ass Pancakes!" He said with a smug grin. "I am gonna BONK you!"
"Mmph!" mumbled Pyro. He stuck his middle finger right in Pancakes' face. Out of nowhere, he pulled out a large colorful hammer and held it in the air. His face distorted as he let out an ear-bleeding scream, and swung his hammer onto Pyro's head. His head exploded into tiny meat-chunks, splattering on the floor. Pancakes continued screaming as he pounded Pyro's corpse into a bloody… well pancake.
"Down, Pancakes!" Miss Pauling barked at the deranged soda Scout. Like an obedient guard hound, Pancakes stopped attacking the dead Pyro, put his hammer away, and his face contorted to normal. Miss Pauling held out the soda can he came from and shook it.
"Get back in the can and I'll take you home." Pancakes let out a little chuckle as he arched back and prepared for a leap. Miss Pauling put the can on the ground as he leaped into the air and dove right into the can with relative ease. "Don't worry about the mess, the Pyro will be brought back." As all the mercs all stood, dumbstruck, at the prowess of this hammer-wielding Freak.
"Where are you going to?" Spy asked just as Miss Pauling opened the door.
"To bring Pancakes and the MeeMs back to containment, and then I have to see the Administrator about restraining the Freaks." Just as Miss Pauling stepped out the door, she stuck her head in and said one final thing. "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but the next Freak you'll be facing won't be during Sudden Death, and also he looks abnormal." As the door slammed shut, all the mercenaries stood in silence. Hearing the news of another Freak, possibly more dangerous than Painis Cupcake or Ass Pancakes, not appearing in Sudden Death, is a frightening notion indeed.
Freak-Saurus: MeeM
MeeMs are a Freak species, created by Youtuber OluapPlauer. MeeMs are wooden targets of all of the mercenaries, each with different behaviors depending on the type. They act as wild animals, living in MeeM Forests. Most are passive unless provoked. Most prominent weakness: FIRE. They're made of wood.
Ass Pancakes
Ass Pancakes is a BLU Scout Freak, created by Youtuber TheInvertedShadow. Ass Pancakes lives in a BONK! can, and almost completely mimics the behavior of Painis Cupcake. He only leaves the can to attack hapless victims, or simply greet himself. His introduction is "I am Ass Pancakes, and I am gonna BONK you!". Depending on how the response is, Pancakes will either brutally murder the person with his trademark Hammer of Zillyhoo, or befriend them. His weakness: He's very cocky because of his similarities to Cupcake, prone to taking on Freaks stronger than he is.
