"Say something?"
Lan Fan's head swam with the unfathomability of what Ling implied. There was no way he meant what he said. Not when he'd been drinking and damn Shu for getting him drunk! It wasn't the first time the bastard had done such a thing in the name of camaraderie. She was always left with the mess.
"What would you have me say?"
"Anything you wish," Ling stated.
"There are no words needed between us," she insisted. Ling stood and stepped closer to her. Lan Fan fought the urge to flee. If they went any further with this there'd be no more pretending.
"There are so many needed," Ling said softly. He lifted his hands to her hood, pausing before he touched her. "May I?" Lan Fan looked up at him then. Eyes like pools of water in the dark of night. It would be so easy to drown in them. Lan Fan didn't understand why he asked. There was nothing she would deny him. But she nodded all the same. The cloth fell about her shoulders. Ling took care as he removed her mask and placed it on the table.
"I admire you more than anyone. I adore you. How is it you don't know that?" He lifted a hand to her cheek.
"My lord I'm your guard."
"I know that! I know I asked it of you, but I didn't what I was asking! We were children. I didn't know I'd fall in love with you," Ling confessed.
Her breath hitched.
"Stay with me. Always. Not because I ask you, but because you love me. Do you love me? Or do you love-?"
Lan Fan couldn't bare to see him so distraught. She reached up to run her fingers through his hair. Watched his eyes drift shut at the touch. How long had she wanted to run her fingers through it? She shouldn't have dared to touch his eminence without leave. Still, it seemed to help and it was all that truly mattered. "It's late your majesty. We can speak of this in the morning. When you've slept…"
Lan Fan held onto his arm as she escorted him to his chambers. Though the drink robbed him of his equilibrium she got him to his bed without incident. Ling watched her as she put out several lanterns. The one by the bed she turned down to a soft glow. She did her best to ignore how beautiful he looked lying on his his side, head propped on his perfectly manicured hand. He was compliant enough until she turned to leave.
"Stay?" He asked, catching her hand.
"I will be right outside," Lan Fan assured him.
"Just until I'm asleep?" The pleading look on his face reminded her so much of when he was a boy she didn't have the heart to leave him. Acquiescent Lan Fan moved to his bedside. Ling tugged her toward him with a lopsided smile.
"Wait…" Lan Fan glanced toward the locked door. Another guard or servant could discover them. Her reputation would never recover. But it was the middle of the night. With his level of inebriation he'd be asleep before long. No one would be the wiser if she slipped out as soon as he dropped off. Hands trembling she removed her armor and boots. Once she was seated against the lattice headboard he sprawled across the bed in an undignified manner. Ling wrapped his arms around her and laid his head on her lap.
"Just until I'm asleep," he mumbled this time. Lan Fan's heart pounded. She didn't know what to do with her hands, or how precisely to disentangle herself from the emperor once he did fall asleep. Ling relaxed against her with eyes closed. His hair spilled down his back like so much ink. As his breathing evened out she combed her fingers through the strands. He made a small hum of pleasure, and Lan Fan wanted to stay like this forever.
The night wore on and she stayed right where she was. Curled up against her Ling slept deeper than she'd ever seen him. Certain he wouldn't stir she traced the contours of his face. In the dark she breathed those three words knowing he wouldn't hear them.
Morning dawned and Ling wished it hadn't. His head pounded incessantly, throat parched, and quite certain this is how he was going to die. As hangovers went it wasn't the worst he'd ever had. What made it so bad was that he could recall falling asleep with Lan Fan in his arms and had woken up alone. He pulled a pillow over his head and considered smothering himself with it. It'd save him the embarrassment of facing her again.
Mei would make a good empress.
A knock sounded at the door, reverberating through his skull, and the Emperor of Xing prayed for death. Without his bidding the door swung open. "How are we feeling today?" Wei asked sounding far too chipper. He was clearly attempting regicide through decibels alone. Ling lowered the pillow enough to squint at his friend.
"Have you come to put me out of my misery?" Ling muttered.
"I'm afraid not your highness." Wei set his tray down louder than necessary. The emperor was pretty sure he deserved it. "You have a diplomatic visit to plan. As requested I'm here to see you're functional."
"Requested by whom?" Ling asked, propping himself up against a mountain of pillows. Despite his derisive tone Ling decided Wei was the agent of some benevolent god. He'd brought a large helping of congee with salted duck eggs, a pot of ginseng tea, and a pitcher of water. Ling consumed a glass of water greedily.
"Lan Fan of course. I hope you didn't give her too much trouble last night. My hand is fine by the way," Wei said wryly. He exchanged Ling's empty glass for a cup of tea.
Ling latched onto his first comment. "...You've seen her this morning?"
"Just now in the hall."
"I see," Ling replied a bit breathlessly. "I'm glad to hear your hand is all right."
"Drink your tea, emperor," Wei instructed. There was a hint of affection beneath the exasperation. "If you'll excuse me yours isn't the only breakfast I need to see to this morning."
Ling caught a glimpse of his beloved bodyguard outside the door when Wei passed through it. He resisted the temptation to rush into the hall. If he was going to save any face he needed to compose himself. A drunken confession was definitely not how he'd wanted to express his feelings. Hardly tasting it Ling choked down what he could of his breakfast. As he prepared himself for a long day of insufferable meetings most of the prior evening came back to him: consuming most of a bottle of bourbon with Shu, dragging Wei out of bed to bring them food, Lan Fan's unexpected return. How much of their idiocy had she heard through the door before she made her presence known?
He scrutinized his reflection longer than he should have. There was nothing to be done about the dark circles under his eyes. Other than that he looked more or less presentable. Ling took a deep breath and opened the door. He half expected her to be gone, but there she was as beautiful as he'd ever seen her. The yin mask was tied to her sash and she wore the comb he'd given her. If he'd told her how he felt when he'd given it to her things might be quite different. Had she wore in the night before? She must've but he'd been too busy making a fool of himself to notice.
"You're here." Ling's relief came through in a sigh. "Thank you for staying."
Lan Fan inclined her head in acknowledgement.
"I could use some fresh air. Will you walk with me?"
"I'd like that," Lan Fan replied.
The weather had warmed enough in the last few days that they could walk through the garden comfortably. In the morning light her hair shined like obsidian. They stopped beneath the oak tree. Above them two cardinals hopped among the branches chirping and singing at one another. There was much to say and neither quite knew how to begin. Ling swallowed his pride. What was left of it at any rate.
"I've behaved horribly towards you. You've put up with far more than you should," Ling said. He worried the edge of his sleeve between his fingers. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness."
"You had a right to be angry. I've kept things from you." Lan Fan turned her eyes down to the ground.
"I don't understand why you didn't tell me. I accepted the other clans. The Zhang prince was one of the first to throw support behind my claim to the throne. Why kept it a secret?"
"I didn't know what to make of it all. How to reconcile how grandfather raised me and the decision he made. I was angry with him, but he's not…" A sigh escaped her and she looked heavenward.
"He's not here anymore," Ling finished solemnly.
"I went to Shu because he always has his nose in everything."
"Secrets are his currency," Ling conceded. "Is there another reason you went to him?"
Lan Fan tensed at his question.
"I knew the two of you were close. I just never thought… It was always the three of us. Shu and me running off to find trouble. You there to make sure we didn't find too much. Are you…? Do you love him?" Ling asked bracing himself for whatever followed.
"Shu's affections are misguided."
"Are they?" "I have no interest in affairs of the heart," Lan Fan informed him quietly.
"I see," Ling replied trying not to let his hurt show through. "Then I was wrong to think you might return my feelings?"
"I cannot act on my feelings. Please don't ask me to speak of them."
A flicker of hope ignited in his chest. Ling pressed the issue. "Then you do have feelings for me."
"I'm unworthy of your affection my lord," Lan Fan insisted.
"Ah. Haven't I told you not use that word to describe yourself?" A breeze stirred the fallen leaves around them. Ling tucked his hands into his sleeves and tilted his head. He leaned forward as if to whisper. "Lady Bodyguard, do you love me?"
Lan Fan cheeks were in full bloom. Thoroughly flustered. He reached up to tuck her hair behind her ear. "Because I love you."
"I…" Lan Fan faltered. "I was born to protect you."
"Then shall I keep you close?" Ling asked with a touch of humor.
"My lord, I…"
"Ling," he said and kissed her.
