Poison Ivy awoke the next day to an unpleasant yet familiar voice murmuring in her ear, "Baby, I got some good news. Daddy's lollipop is nice and hard and just waiting for his baby girl to have a lick so he can dunk the clown into her yummy pie and cream it all over."
"What the actual fu…" began Ivy, rolling over, but her expletive was cut off by her intense and repeated screaming at the scene before her, which was the Joker lying next to her in bed, completely naked.
"Oh my God, I saw it!" shrieked Ivy, leaping out of bed and over to the other side of the room and covering her eyes with her hands. "I never wanted to see it, but now I've seen it, and it touched me, and I need a thousand showers and I will still never feel clean! I can burn my eyes out, but that still won't erase it from my mind, oh God, oh God, oh God!" she cried, desperately rubbing her skin to try to clean it.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" asked Joker, looking offended and confused. "Is this a game where you pretend you don't like me, for some reason?"
"You think I'm pretending?!" roared Ivy. "Don't you know me at all?! I loathe you – I always have! So how in the hell could this have happened?!" she cried, realizing that she too was naked and figuring that could only mean one thing.
"It's a natural thing that happens to guys in the mornings sometimes, ok?!" snapped Joker, covering himself with the blanket. "It's not because of you, so don't flatter yourself, you ungrateful broad! You of all people know how rare this is, so don't blame me that you're too stupid to take advantage of it!"
"Why would I want to take advantage of it?!" shrieked Ivy. "You disgust me, you horrible creep! The only way this could have happened is if I was drugged, or mind-controlled, or forced somehow…" she said, desperately floundering around for some sort of explanation.
Joker smiled suddenly. "Oh, so that's the game," he murmured. "I get it. You want me to force you, you naughty girl. This is why you're pretending to be disgusted with me – this is some fun new roleplay you wanna try, where the bad supercriminal makes the innocent young doctor do some dirty things against her will…"
"Oh my God, you really are sick!" exclaimed Ivy. "You come near me and I will rip off your manhood!"
"I bet you will, Doc, you dirty little minx," murmured Joker, approaching her and licking his lips. But he was cut off as he was kicked sharply and forcefully in the groin.
"Ow!" he shouted. "Jesus, you know I enjoy a little pain, but tone it down a little, huh, Harl?! Or those kids you've always wanted are never happening!"
"I have never wanted kids, especially not with you…" began Ivy, but she paused realizing what he had said suddenly. "Wait, Harl?" she repeated.
"Oh, sorry, Dr. Quinzel," he said, nodding. "Didn't mean to break the fantasy there. You may not want to violate your professional ethics, Doc, but I think you're gonna enjoy it as much as your patient is gonna enjoy violating you…"
"Joker, I'm not Harley!" shouted Ivy.
"No, you're Dr. Quinzel – we're gonna keep it formal for now, but we're about to get much more intimate…" agreed Joker.
"I'm Poison Ivy!" interrupted Ivy.
Joker stared at her in confusion. "Why would you wanna roleplay as that dried up old weed, Harley? I mean, I guess I would have to force her in order for anything to happen between us, but I feel bad for you, having to pretend to be that unpleasant and unlovable…"
"I'm not roleplaying, you idiot!" shouted Ivy. "I'm actually Poison Ivy!" She noticed her reflection in the mirror suddenly, and saw Harley staring back at her. "I've somehow been…put in Harley's body," she said, staring at herself in puzzlement. "Which feels really weird…and really disgusting when I think that you've been all over this," she said, trying to rub her flesh clean some more.
Joker continued to stare at her, and then slowly smiled. "Oh, I know what this is," he said, nodding. "The Hat Nerd has been messing with the universe again."
"Again?!" repeated Ivy. "This has happened before?!"
"Yeah, me and Bruce Wayne switched bodies for the day," said Joker. "It was kinda fun, but he's not much of a man compared to me, if you get what I'm saying. Well, you've seen it now, so you know," he said, nodding at her.
"Oh God, don't remind me," whispered Ivy, shutting her eyes again.
"Still, I managed to cause a little chaos at Wayne Manor and Wayne Enterprises, so it was a good day, all in all," continued Joker. "But it looks like Tetchy didn't learn his lesson about messing with that kinda technology, and has switched you and Harley into each other's bodies."
His smile broadened. "Oh yeah, this is going to be fun! You're right, toots, I have been all over that body," he said, his voice lowering as he grinned at her. "You should feel absolutely filthy, because I have been everywhere. Everywhere," he repeated, pointedly.
"Making me uncomfortable and horrified is really turning you on, isn't it?" snapped Ivy, as she grabbed a blanket to cover herself.
"You don't need to cover up – I've seen it all before, many times," replied Joker, smiling at her.
"Yeah, but I don't want to feel you leering at me, you sick creep," snapped Ivy. "How the hell do we fix this? I wanna be back in my own body ASAP!"
"We'd have to go see the nerds," said Joker. "Tetchy managed to fix it last time, but of course that could have been a fluke. Wouldn't it be hilarious if you were trapped in Harley's body permanently, having to endure everything I do to her? I'm not sure if the sex or the casual abuse would horrify you more!" he chuckled. "Of course those frequently coincide…"
"Ok, first of all, if I am trapped in her body permanently, we're breaking up permanently," snapped Ivy.
"That's fine – I'll just have to date Harley in your body then," said Joker, nodding. "And send you videos of the two of us together, although I know you'll be imagining it every night…"
"Oh God, shut up!" roared Ivy, shutting her eyes. "I did not want that image in addition to the horrific one of you naked! And I'm gonna forbid Harley to use my body that way – I'll kill her and it first!"
"Do you think Harley has your little plant powers now?" asked Joker. "You don't have them, do you?"
Ivy stared at him, realizing he was right. Her normal connection with plants was severed – she couldn't sense a line of communication between herself and them anymore. It was the most horrifying aspect of the transformation yet, and that was saying something. But to Ivy, who had been attuned to plants for so long, it felt like she was missing a limb.
"No, I…I don't," she stammered. "Get dressed," she snapped, suddenly resolute. "We are going to see Tetch now, hopefully before Harley wakes up and can do any damage in my body! She doesn't know how to control the plants, and the very idea that she can might overwhelm her! It'll be total chaos!"
"Oooh, chaos, sounds like fun!" commented Joker, beaming. "I just hope Harley doesn't have to wake up next to a plant paramour!" he chuckled.
"I don't sleep with plants, you sick freak!" snapped Ivy.
"You're telling me you weren't with someone last night?" asked Joker. "Because that would probably be a first."
"Yeah, but he wasn't a plant!" snapped Ivy. "He was…" She trailed off at the realization. "Oh my God, he's not gonna cope well with this," she muttered.
