It's easy to give into sadness. Hannah's unsteady hands reach for the bottle. She drinks deeply, praying the amber liquid is enough to burn away and drown her demons. This scene has become all too familiar. Since the war ended four months earlier, she has often found comfort at the bottom of the bottle.
Something acidic burns within her veins. She doesn't want to acknowledge it, but that emotion is as familiar as her drunken nights.
Shame.
What would her mother think if she could see Hannah now?
But that doesn't make her stop or try to change. Instead, she only Summons another bottle, trying to cover up the guilt as well as the pain.
She wonders if she will ever be anything more than just a broken girl, clinging to the past.
…
"Hannah?"
Susan's hands are gentle as they rest on Hannah's shoulders.
"Hannah? Hey…"
Hannah blinks up at her and almost smiles. "Love… you," she slurs, because that's one things she knows for sure.
She is a mess. She is haunted. But she loves Susan Bones more than anything in this world, and, by some miracle, Susan loves her back.
"It's going to be okay," Susan murmurs, stroking Hannah's messy blonde hair.
"How?"
Susan doesn't answer; Hannah almost laughs. She doesn't understand how people can still make promises like they can keep them. Hasn't the war taught them how dangerous hope can be?
…
Her vision blurs, but she doesn't stop drinking. She can still feel, and she hates it.
…
"I hate that the world doesn't work out fair," Hannah murmurs, reaching for another bottle.
"I miss Justin too," Susan whispers.
The bottle falls from Hannah's grip, and she slumps forward, resting her head against her lover's shoulder. "And my mum."
"My aunt."
And the list goes on and on. They have lost too many people, and it makes it so much easier to give in.
…
She hates herself, but she doesn't know how to change.
…
"I love you," Susan says, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
Hannah blinks rapidly, trying so desperately to keep the tears at bay.
"But I can't sit by while you drink yourself to death."
Hannah reaches for her, desperate, her heart racing painfully. "Don't leave me." The tears fall now, and she doesn't try to wipe them away. "I can be better."
She doesn't know how. There are still too many demons lurking in her mind, and she has to find a way out. But, really, if Susan stays by her side, she thinks maybe she can do anything.
…
Sobriety is hell. She's spent so long clinging to the bottle, desperate calling alcohol her salvation. Going without hurts, and she can feel it all the way in her bones.
But Susan is there, and she makes Hannah strong.
…
"You've come a long way," Susan says, holding her close. "Are you ready for this?"
Hannah takes a deep breath. It's been a year since the final battle and three months since her last drink. She feels like she needs something strong to get her through the memorial service.
"I'll be okay," she says, her words quivering.
Susan wraps an arm around her, and Hannah relaxes. She doesn't need strength from a bottle. All the strength she could ever need is right beside her.
For
Character Appreciation: Hannah Abbott
Book Club, Captain Hook: broken, getting drunk, "I hate that the world doesn't work out fair."
Showtime, History Has Its Eyes On You: shame
Amber's Attic: HannahSusan
Lyric Alley: "And I'm trying not to cry."
Lo's Lowdown, Grantaire: Write about a Hufflepuff
Color: Amber
Musical, Movin' Out: Write about a war changing someone.
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