"I think you broke my nose," muttered Joker, once he had regained consciousness. Then he beamed. "Good arm, slugger!" he said, slapping Ivy on the back. "You've done your Daddy proud!"
"I think she also broke my nose," said Tetch, entering the room from his laboratory still cupping his nose.
"I'll break it again unless you have good news!" snapped Ivy.
Tetch opened his mouth to respond when they heard a car pull up outside. "That'll be Harley," said Ivy, rushing to the door. She froze when she saw herself racing into the room, followed by Two-Face.
"Wow, it's super weird to see yourself from outside yourself," she commented. "Also, what the hell are you wearing, Harley? It looks terrible on me! Don't you know how to dress for my body type?"
"I could ask you the same question," retorted Harley. "Don't you know how Mr. J likes me dressed?"
"You know, he told me, but I don't let men tell me what to wear," snapped Ivy. "Or you – that thing's so tight it makes me look bulgy and fat!"
"I'm the one who looks fat in whatever the hell you're wearing!" retorted Harley. "It's so bulky and shapeless!"
"Ladies, is clothing really the most important issue at the moment?" asked Tetch.
"You clearly haven't met a lotta women, Tetchy," sighed Joker, shaking his head. "Clothing is always the most important issue, whatever the moment."
"That's a pretty sexist stereotype," retorted Ivy.
"You're the one being the sexist stereotype," said Joker, shrugging.
Harley noticed his face at that moment. "Puddin', what happened?" she exclaimed, racing over to him in concern.
"You stay away from him!" snapped Ivy. "The last thing I wanna see is myself fawning all over the Joker!"
"Your plant pal hit me in the face with a book, just because I suggested the very real possibility that I could be her father," said Joker.
"You…what?" stammered Harley, as Crane entered the room carrying a tea tray.
"Pam…is this true?" asked Two-Face, who looked horrified.
"No, there is no very real possibility that he could be my father!" snapped Ivy. "I don't know who my father is, but I can say for damn sure he's not some freakish clown!"
"But you don't know who he is, so you can't say for damn sure," said Joker, nodding. "It would explain your irrational hatred of me – maybe you've subconsciously sensed our bond, and subliminally hate me for what I did to your Mom…"
"You did nothing to my Mom!" roared Ivy. "Believe me, that is the last thing I want to imagine! And nothing about my hatred of you is irrational!"
"There have been some incarnations of my previous self with red hair, you know," said Joker. "Like that Jerome kid…"
"You know, Pam, maybe after this, we should think about cooling off for a while," interrupted Two-Face, slowly.
"He's not my father!" shrieked Ivy. "And even if he were, how dare you let that change your feelings about me?!"
"I'm just saying, I'm not stupid enough to mess around with the Joker's daughter," replied Two-Face. "I don't know what he'd do to me."
"Something really nasty unless you make an honest woman of my little girl," said Joker, nodding. "I can't believe you just leave her hanging around like this without committing to her…"
"I choose not to commit to him!" roared Ivy. "Because I'm a free, independent woman who doesn't need a man or a relationship or a father! Now let's focus on the important task at hand rather than all this nonsense!"
"Nonsense is frequently the most important task at hand," replied Tetch, nodding. "In my experience, anyway…"
"You wanna be punched again?" demanded Ivy.
"Princess, that's no way to talk to the nice man…" began Joker.
Ivy raced forward to punch him again, but was intercepted by Harley. "No, Red, don't touch him!" she snapped. "I can't bear to see myself attacking Mr. J!"
"You attack him all the time," pointed out Crane.
"I know, which is why it's gonna be frustrating to watch," said Harley, nodding. "Because it's not actually me attacking him and getting turned on by the violence."
"Aw, I miss you hitting me too, pooh bear," said Joker, smiling at her. "Pammie just doesn't have the same force behind her punch as you do. That's one of those father-daughter activities I can do with her to make up for lost time…"
"Jervis, you better be able to fix this right now!" snapped Ivy, rounding on him.
"Your paternity issue? I doubt it," replied Tetch. "And as to switching you back into your bodies…"
He trailed off. "What?" demanded Ivy.
"Just promise you won't hit me," said Tetch.
"I promise I won't hit you," repeated Ivy, nodding.
"Well, while it is a relatively straightforward procedure, it does take time," replied Tetch. "The matter in the device exists in a state of constant flux, and I can only change you back when it reaches a certain state."
"And how long will that be?" asked Ivy.
"It should be ready by midnight tonight," replied Tetch.
Ivy stared at him, and then kicked him in the chest. "Ow! You promised not to hit me!" cried Tetch.
"I didn't promise not to kick you," retorted Ivy.
"Jervis, we can't wait that long," said Harley. "My parents are on their way – isn't there something you can do to speed up the process?"
"Despite what you may believe, I don't actually have the power to bend time and space," retorted Tetch. "I am not an elite Gallifreyan or Superman who can just do that sort of thing on a whim. I am bound by the forces of nature, just like the rest of us, and even unnatural objects have a natural order which I don't have the power to tamper with."
"Is there a way you can get this to an elite Gobbledygookian, or Superman, so he can bend time and space around it?" asked Harley.
"And why would Superman do that for us?" demanded Ivy.
"Well, because he hates chaos and likes order, like all those superfreaks," said Harley. "And having somebody in somebody else's body sure sounds like chaos to me. Or we could threaten him with some Kryptonite. Do we have any Kryptonite lying around, Mr. J?"
"Well, I'd have to check the Fungeon, pooh, but I don't think so," said Joker, shaking his head.
"Do I want to know what that is?" asked Ivy.
"It's the fun dungeon," retorted Joker. "We use it for storage, mostly of toys, and people we don't like who we're gonna test the toys out on. I'm pretty sure a lot of 'em would have already died of radiation poisoning if we had some Kryptonite lying around there, so I'm guessing we don't."
"Does Lex?" asked Harley.
"Probably," said Joker, shrugging. "He usually keeps some of it handy for emergencies involving a certain blue boyscout."
"Ok, so here's what we're gonna do," said Harley. "Red and Mr. J are gonna go back home and try to stall my parents – call them and say there's been an emergency, nothing to worry about, but postpone the meeting, while me and Harvey get to Metropolis ASAP and get the Kryptonite from Lex so we can threaten Superman to speed up this whole process."
"Luthor isn't just going to give us Kryptonite," retorted Two-Face. "That stuff is valuable – he's not just going to hand it out like candy."
"Please don't mention candy," said Ivy, shuddering.
"But we're just gonna borrow it for the day," protested Harley. "I'll promise to give it right back after we're switched back."
"No offense, Harley, but he really isn't going to trust your promises," said Two-Face. "And I doubt we can threaten him – Luthor's not gonna be intimidated by me, or by Ivy, even if you are able to control her plants."
"Lex might be persuaded to help me though," said Ivy, slowly. "We do have kinda a history. And you could always use a little pheromone persuasion with my lipstick."
"You mean you'd want me to kiss Lex Luthor?" asked Harley, making a face.
"Only if seducing him doesn't work," said Ivy, shrugging.
"I ain't gonna do nothing of the kind!" snapped Harley. "I'm a one-man loon, and even if I am in your body, that ain't gonna change!"
"Hey, if you wanna give up this whole idea and just wait for midnight, you be my guest," retorted Ivy. "I think it'd be easier just to call your parents and tell them you've come down with something extremely contagious, put them up in a hotel for the night, and then meet 'em tomorrow when everything's back to normal. Your parents are the only factor that's rushing this – as much as I don't like being in Harley's body, I'm happy to wait until midnight as long as I can just sit in a room without the clown. I can spend the time doing some research on my real dad just to stop him annoying me."
"Yeah, you better find out who that really is ASAP," said Harley, nodding. "Because if it is Mr. J, I'll…"
She trailed off suddenly, clutching her head and screaming in pain. "Come on, Harley, it wouldn't be that bad," began Joker. "I mean, I won't even have to take responsibility for the way she's turned out, being an absent father and all…"
"It's not that, you idiot!" snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way and embracing Harley. "It's the plants."
"They were just kinda giving me an annoying headache before, but now it's like a migraine," began Harley. "I can barely see…"
She screamed again, shutting her eyes. "I was afraid of that," muttered Ivy. "The plants take some getting used to, and they need to be controlled. The ones I've bred are like children who need discipline – if you just leave them to run wild, that's what they'll do. Since you haven't really been able to communicate with them and exert authority over them, they think they've got free reign, and they're gonna do whatever they want. And since they are wild children…"
"What?" began Harley.
They suddenly heard a loud crash, and looked out the window to see a giant, carnivorous plant bursting through the road, knocking cars out of the way and crushing them in its tentacles.
"They're gonna run a little wild," finished Ivy.
"Jesus, Harley, you've gotta stop them!" exclaimed Two-Face, as another one suddenly appeared out of the sidewalk. "They're gonna tear apart the city!"
"I don't know how to do that!" cried Harley.
"She can't – it takes years of practice to be able to master them, and that's not something you just pick up with a body switch!" snapped Ivy. "But on the plus side, now we have another factor which makes speeding up this process absolutely imperative – you two had better get to Metropolis immediately."
"Call my parents right now and tell 'em to stay away from the city!" cried Harley. "I don't want them getting hurt by random plants that I can't control!"
"Not to worry, pooh – we'll do a little weed killing while you're gone," said Joker, smiling at Harley.
"You will not!" snapped Ivy. "I know you don't care, but that would hurt Harley even more than she already is. Besides, I'm not gonna let you."
"You could try to stop me, but I reckon your old man still has some tricks you haven't seen," said Joker, smiling.
Ivy tried to ignore him, taking out Harley's phone and scrolling down to the number that said Mom and Dad. "This is gonna be really weird," she muttered, dialing it and putting it on speakerphone so Harley could hear.
"Hello?"
"Hi…Mom and Dad…" stammered Ivy. "I hope you guys aren't here yet…"
"Yes, we are, Harley – we've just arrived at the address you gave us. The traffic was pretty light for once, so we made good time. Your Dad's parking right now," said Harley's mother.
"Oh. Well, your…I mean, our current hideout is across town from where we are…so that's ok," said Ivy, looking at Harley.
"Is there a problem, sweetie?" asked Harley's mother. "You don't sound like yourself."
"It's just been…kinda a weird day," said Ivy, slowly. "Uh…there's currently some…unusual activity going on in Gotham, and I just think it's safer if you leave town right away."
"Where are you, sweetie?" asked Harley's mother, concerned. "Are you safe?"
"We're in another part of town, but we're fine," stammered Ivy. "But you two need to leave and get someplace safe right now…"
"We'll pick you up on the way," said Harley's mother. "That way we'll know you're safe."
"No, no, no, don't come here," said Ivy. "Just leave Gotham the way you came in…"
"Sweetheart, if there's trouble in the city, I'm not leaving you here," said Harley's mother. "I'd die of worry, and you don't want to do that to your mother, do you?"
Ivy looked helplessly at Harley, who had tears in her eyes. "We'll…meet you," stammered Ivy. "At the Chuckie Charlie's just before you get to Blüdhaven – it's not too far, but it should be safe. And that way you can see we're safe, and we can all have lunch together, and you don't have to worry."
"Thank you, baby," said Harley's mother. "We'll see you soon."
"You owe me big for this," muttered Ivy, as she hung up. "Having to endure lunch with your parents and pretending to like J."
"Not like – love," said Joker, beaming at her. "But that shouldn't be too hard an emotion to fake for your old man, right, kiddo?"
"I do owe you, Red," agreed Harley, hugging her tightly. "Thank you. You behave, Mr. J," she said, heading over to kiss him.
"No!" shouted Ivy, leaping in front of her. "You are not kissing him in my body!"
"Just a little peck on the cheek?" pleaded Harley.
"No!" repeated Ivy. "What if someone saw a picture of that someday?"
"I don't think anybody's taking pictures…" began Harley, but Joker suddenly seized her and shoved his mouth into hers.
"You better hope I'm not your Daddy, kiddo," he said, grinning at Ivy as he drew away at last. "Because that creep factor was just upped 1000%."
"And before we head to Blüdhaven, I'm gonna go be sick," said Ivy. "Excuse me."
She hurried off. "We'll remain here to monitor the device," said Tetch. "When you find Superman, bring him back here and he can do what he does to it. Have a very safe journey, to Metropolis and Blüdhaven, respectively. And do let me know if you ever need the picture of that kiss, Joker – that'll teach Ivy to assault me," he muttered, returning to his study and pocketing his camera.
