"Ok, here are some ground rules for when we meet Harley's folks," said Ivy, as they drove out of Gotham toward Blüdhaven. "You keep your hands to yourself at all times."

"Now that wouldn't look very loved up and coupley, would it?" asked Joker, smiling at her. "Harley made it very clear that the impression she wants to give her parents is that we're madly in love, and I'm certainly not going to disappoint her."

"But you're not – you only want to be loved up and coupley because it annoys me," retorted Ivy.

"Naturally," said Joker, nodding. "I'm usually only affectionate if there's a joke involved. It's like you don't know your old man at all, Pammie."

"You are really gonna have to stop calling me your daughter in front of Harley's folks – that would be super awkward," said Ivy. "Especially with her dad sitting right there."

"I suppose I can put that joke on hold," said Joker. "After all, reminding you that you could be my daughter is almost as annoying for you as me being affectionate toward you, so as long as you're annoyed, I'm happy."

"You're some piece of work, J," muttered Ivy.

"You're some piece of work, puddin'," corrected Joker.

"I am not calling you puddin'," retorted Ivy.

"You won't be doing a very good impression of Harley if you don't," retorted Joker.

"Oh, this is gonna be awful," sighed Ivy. "But it shouldn't be too difficult - I just have to try to think like Harley…who thinks you're the greatest and most attractive guy in the world, and who wants to build her whole life around your happiness…oh God, I can't do it!" she exclaimed. "I just can't act that crazy!"

"Well, you're gonna have to, for Harley's sake," snapped Joker, as Ivy pulled into the parking lot of the fast food restaurant. "So just man up and do it."

"I will not man up!" snapped Ivy.

"Good – that's not like Harley either," said Joker. "Now take my damn hand."

"Show me there's no joy buzzer first," said Ivy.

Joker sighed, turning his hand over. "It's sad how there's no trust between us anymore. Though it's understandable that you'd have a hard time trusting people after what I did to you and your Mom."

Ivy glared murderously at him, but took his hand as they stepped out of the car and into the restaurant.

"Harley, baby, we're so glad you're safe!" exclaimed Mrs. Quinzel, rushing over to embrace the woman she thought was her daughter. "And Joker, how nice to see you again," she said, smiling at him.

"Likewise, Mrs. Q," said Joker. "Mr. Q, how ya doing?" he asked, beaming at Harley's father.

"I'm fine – I hope you've been treating my daughter the same way," he retorted, glaring at Joker.

"I'm doing just swell, Mom and Dad," said Ivy, in what she hoped was an approximation of Harley's accent. "Me and Mr. J just…couldn't be better. Ya know, he's just the greatest, and if ya got love, ya got all ya need."

"Tone it down a little," hissed Joker. "You sound like that woman from The Nanny."

"That's how Harley sounds!" hissed Ivy.

"She's not as over the top as that," retorted Joker.

"Oh, you're one to talk about over the top!" hissed Ivy, as they sat down in the booth across from Harley's parents, who watched their argument curiously.

"Is everything ok, baby?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, slowly.

"Sure, Mom," said Ivy. "But you know how it is with men sometimes – Mr. J wanted to take one way to get here, I wanted to take the other, and we ended up arguing. That's what happens in nice, long, happy relationships sometimes though, right? You argue over stupid stuff, because you know you'll never argue over anything important because you're just so sympatico," she said, taking Joker's hand again.

"Oh, your father still argues with me about important things from time to time," said Mrs. Quinzel, smiling at her.

"My daughter's well-being is very important," agreed Mr. Quinzel, nodding. "And your mother and I don't always agree on the state of that."

"I told you, I'm just swell, Dad," repeated Ivy. "Even though anyone objectively might think my relationship is probably the worst one ever in the history of humanity, and no sane person could possibly want anything to do with this horrible psychopath and mass murderer, and a smart, attractive girl like me could definitely do a lot better…but despite all these very obvious, natural thoughts that rational, normal people have, you should just accept this as great, the way I do."

"Well, nobody could ever accuse you of being normal, pooh," said Joker, putting an arm around her and smiling. "That's why I love you. A guy like me really hit the jackpot with a girl like you, who understands and enjoys all my little quirks. Besides, some people would argue that a parent's job is to accept their child as she is, and respect her decisions, no matter how objectively terrible they might think they are. Why, I know if I was a father to a daughter who was a little too fond of plants, shall we say, as a random, nonspecific example, I certainly wouldn't try to talk her out of her obsession."

"That would be a completely different situation than this one, and you know it," snapped Ivy.

"Not really," said Joker, shrugging. "No one would objectively support a crusade where plants take over the world and wipe out all of humanity, and yet I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to stop her from doing that. I would respect her choice as a strong, intelligent woman. Unless you're saying you're not strong and intelligent, which I think we both know isn't true, Dr. Quinzel," he added, kissing her cheek.

Ivy tried to hide her cringe and ignore the almost overwhelming urge to wipe her cheek. "You're so right…puddin'," she choked out.

"Well, you two seem happy together, and that's what's important," said Mrs. Quinzel, nodding. "And there's no doubting how much Harley cares for you, Joker. Her love just shines through every second she's in your company."

"Don't I know it," agreed Joker, pulling Ivy into a hug. "Even now, I bet you can just see the love shining out of her eyes," he said, nuzzling her nose.

"I will kill you!" hissed Ivy.

"Y'see? Pure love," sighed Joker, smiling at her.

"I don't think it's unreasonable for me to worry about my daughter's safety in taking up with a murdering psychopath," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "You're not actually a father, Joker…"

"That you know of," interrupted Joker, nodding. "For all you know, I could have a little red-haired girl running around out there – that possibility is probably closer than you think."

"…so you don't understand what it's like to have a child," finished Mr. Quinzel, ignoring him. "And what it's like trying to protect that child in an evil world. I didn't want Harley to move to Gotham in the first place, the city with the highest crime rate in the country, attacked every other day by costumed lunatics. It's the plant freak causing trouble right now, isn't it? That's what I heard on the radio."

"I don't think she's a freak," retorted Ivy. "I think she has a lot of valid points."

"I know she's a friend of yours, Harley, but what possible reason could she have for attacking the city like this?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"Well, it's probably a pretty unbelievable one this time," said Ivy. "But she usually has good reasons for it. Talking about children and their safety, if you thought of plants as your children and saw them hurt and destroyed every day by humanity, after awhile I think you'd want to avenge them too. You're right…Dad…it's hard to see someone you love abused and just suffer in silence. I think that's why…I…Ivy lashes out so much. But just because most people can't understand it doesn't make it wrong."

"My point exactly, pooh bear," said Joker, nodding. "See, all these little disagreements are just a matter of perspective. As a wise Jedi Knight once said, many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view. If we could all just be a little more understanding of people's points of view, maybe this world would be a better place."

"I'm fine with that in theory, but I think it's a little different when other people's points of view cause harm to innocent people," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "Especially innocent people who are close to you. I just don't want to read about my daughter's death in the paper one day caused by her homicidal maniac boyfriend, either intentionally or accidentally."

"You think I don't look after my Harley cakes?" purred Joker, pulling her closer as Ivy tried to inch away from him.

"I think even if you do, there's only so much you can do," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "Your criminal lifestyle puts her in constant danger. If you really cared about her, you'd give it up, so she's not a target for every piece of lowlife scum out there. Not to mention all your rival supercriminals who are probably looking to take you down a peg."

"Trust me, none of the supercriminals are trying to hurt Harl…me," finished Ivy. "Although they do all hate J and want to take him down a peg. I mean, even though I…adore him, I can certainly see how he might grate on some people, and how they might want to smash his face in repeatedly until all that remains of his smile is a mass of bloody, red goo."

"Oh, pumpkin, I love your dirty talk!" cooed Joker, kissing her cheek again and ending with a lick.

"Oh my…God…that's…wonderful!" gasped Ivy, trying not to gag.

"Even if the supercriminals don't mean it, you could still be put in harm's way, Harley," said Mr. Quinzel. "This Ivy woman could lose control of her plants somehow and crush you with them. She might not mean it, but anything can happen in chaos. And since your lifestyle is so chaotic, it's also very dangerous. You can't blame us for worrying."

"There's nothing to worry about," retorted Ivy. "I'm a capable woman who can take care of myself, and I have a lot of friends who also worry about me constantly and try and look after me. You can't ask for more than that."

"You also can't ask the people who raised you to ever stop worrying about your safety," retorted Mr. Quinzel. "That's just what parents do."

"It certainly is," agreed Joker, nodding.

"Puddin', you really don't know anything about this, so why don't you just stay out of it!" snapped Ivy. "You're not a parent, for the last time!"

"Neither are you," retorted Joker.

"In a manner of speaking, I am!" snapped Ivy.

"Are you?" asked Mrs. Quinzel, astonished. "Harley, are you pregnant?"

"No!" said Ivy, hastily. "Oh no, no, no, that's not what I meant…I just meant…I sympathize with…people who are parents…having always wanted kids and all…but J has never wanted kids, and will never have kids, which is probably as it should be because frankly, he'd be a terrible father. And I'm willing to put aside my dreams of motherhood for him, just as I put aside everything for him, so that's that."

"Oh now, pumpkin, you shouldn't just resign yourself like that," said Joker, smiling at her. "Why, if we keep doing what we did this morning, without putting a wrapper on my lollipop and all, you might accidentally end up pregnant one of these days. You could even have a little Joker bun in your oven right now," he said, patting her belly.

"Puddin', I am really sure my parents don't want to hear about that," snapped Ivy, shoving his hand away. "Also, you know very well nothing happened this morning, and if you ever want anything to happen in future, you'll stop mentioning it right now before somebody makes sure you can never use those parts again, get me?"

"Are you folks ready to order?" asked a waitress, coming over to them. Her smile dropped when she recognized the Joker. "If not, I can come back later…" she began, about to hurry off.

"No, I'm ready," said Joker. "I think I'd like a really big salad, unless you got something else with a lotta greens in it. I'm just in the mood to devour massive amounts of plant life. Plus a pot of coffee for the table, please…"

"He's just joking – he wants a steak with no vegetables whatsoever," interrupted Ivy. "And plain water, with no lemon or limes or whatever you people usually pollute it with."

"Actually, I wouldn't mind joining you in a salad, J," said Mrs. Quinzel. "I think a steak would just be too filling for me."

"Yeah, and I gotta watch the old figure," said Joker, nodding. "I think salads for everyone, don't you, Harl?"

"I just don't think that's a good idea," hissed Ivy.

"Why not, Harley?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"Well…if Ivy's plants are attacking Gotham…they could be drawn here if they feel their fellow plants in pain," said Ivy, slowly. "And we don't wanna risk that."

"Surely Batman will have that situation under control by now, won't he?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.

"He is pretty dependable," agreed Joker.

"Yes, but if he can't subdue Ivy for some reason, he probably won't be able to stop her plants," retorted Ivy.

"Why wouldn't he be able to subdue Ivy?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

"I dunno, he just…might not be able to find her," said Ivy.

"Isn't there another Batman in Blüdhaven?" asked Mr. Quinzel.

Joker laughed. "Another Batman – oh, you're funny, Mr. Q! There's only one Batman, just like there's only one Joker. Blüdhaven's stuck with some punk kid vigilante – nowhere near as cute as Batboy."

"You called?" said a familiar voice suddenly, and they all turned to see Nightwing standing in the doorway. "Joker, you're the last person I want to see on my turf," he said, entering the restaurant.

"And on your turf is the last place I wanna be," agreed Joker, nodding. "But this ain't none of your business. I'm taking a personal day, kid, so just lay off before something bad happens to you."

"Not gonna happen," said Nightwing. "I'm taking you in."

Joker sighed, standing up. "Ok. Excuse me for a second, Mr. and Mrs. Q – I just gotta take care of this uninvited guest, or as I call him, Robin Wannabat."

"I am not…" began Nightwing, but he was cut off as Joker hit him in the face with a crowbar.

"I know – you were thinking is that a crowbar in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you!" chuckled Joker. "Turns out it was both!"

"J, how about you don't beat up children in front of my parents!" hissed Ivy, trying to pull him away.

"Sorry – crowbars to the face are just a natural instinct when I encounter Robins," said Joker. He slammed the crowbar across Nightwing's face again. "See?" he chuckled. "Oops, I did it again!"

"J, stop it!" hissed Ivy.

"He started it!" protested Joker. "I told him to get lost, but he decided to make it personal!"

"Ok, but you're gonna be the bigger man and stop this now!" snapped Ivy, pushing him away from Nightwing.

"Just stay out of this, Harley!" snapped Nightwing, shoving her to the ground.

"Don't you dare treat my daughter like that!" snapped Mr. Quinzel, standing up.

"Yeah, don't you dare treat my daughter like that!" snapped Joker.

"What?" demanded Nightwing, but he was cut off as the ground beneath them began to shake, and plant roots suddenly burst through the ground.

"What the hell did you do?" hissed Joker.

"I…may have trained my plants to attack if Harley's in danger," said Ivy, slowly.

Before Joker could respond, the plant seized him, tightening itself around him. "I'm not the one hurting her…you stupid weed!" he gasped.

"Sorry, I trained it to naturally attack you in that event, as you would probably be the most likely suspect," said Ivy.

The plant reached out and seized Nightwing too, trapping him. "Also any Bat-related persons," she continued. "But you two are probably safe," she added, smiling at Harley's parents.

At that moment, the plant also reached out and seized them. "Or not," finished Ivy, her smile dropping into a frown as she ripped out her phone. "C'mon, Harley, hurry up!" she hissed, as she dialed her own number.