"The speed limit is 65," said Two-Face, trying to keep both faces calm as Harley sped down the interstate, her foot glued to the gas pedal.

"That's not a 2 number, so why the hell would you care?" she retorted, weaving in and out of traffic as her free hand slammed on the car horn repeatedly.

"Because I kinda…don't wanna die," said Two-Face, slowly. "Plus a car accident is not gonna help with the whole facial scarring…"

"Nobody would notice, would they?" snapped Harley. She sighed. "Sorry to be cranky – I'm just a little stressed. Which I think is understandable after the day I've had so far. And it's only gonna get worse. I hate Lex," she muttered, her hands tightening on the wheel. "He's no fun at all. And he's a real two-faced guy, if you ask me, pretending to be all friendly and nice in public but actually a huge jerk in private. Reminds me of your friend Bruce, now that I think about it."

"Except Bruce is actually a decent, good guy in private, while Lex isn't," retorted Two-Face. "Not all billionaires are the same, Harley. There's nothing two-faced about Bruce. He's a friend who's been there for me through thick and thin. And he actually does use his money for good causes, unlike Lex who funnels it through a secret society of supervillains dedicated to destroying the Justice League."

"I guess he thinks destroying the Justice League is a good cause," said Harley, shrugging. "Can't blame him for that. I mean, have you seen that Hall of Justice thing they built? Talk about your massive egos – they've got fifty foot statues of each one of those godlike egomaniacs. Do you actually believe someone who would want a hall full of massive statues dedicated to themselves actually cares for the good of anyone else but themselves?"

"I'm not about to start defending the Justice League," retorted Two-Face. "But my point is Lex is just as egomaniacal as they are, while Bruce really isn't. He does a lot of good that never gets noticed, because he doesn't like to brag about it. He hides a lot of it behind tabloid coverage of his latest romances and escapades. That tells me he's less concerned about his reputation than actually trying to do good."

"That tells me he has something to hide," retorted Harley. "Like he's trying to put on a mask, so no one will suspect he's actually a good person. Which is weird, because normally it's the other way around, like Lex. Why would anyone wanna hide that they're actually a nice guy?"

Two-Face shrugged. "Nice guys finish last, you know that saying. Bruce is the face of Wayne Enterprises, and if he seems too nice, people in his corporate world are gonna try to take advantage of him. You know the cutthroat world of business."

"Yeah, the capitalist system exploits us all," said Harley, nodding. "Even the so-called masters aren't free."

"...what?" asked Two-Face.

"I did Econ 101 in college," said Harley, shrugging. "That's the one thing I remember from it. It wasn't really my thing – kinda dry and boring, not like delving into the minds of psychos. That's real exciting stuff."

"You should try law sometime," said Two-Face. "Talk about dry and boring. And it was all a waste of time in the end."

"You shouldn't think like that, Harvey," said Harley. "If I hadn't wasted my time becoming a doctor, I never would have met Mr. J, the love of my life, and become the kooky, crazy, authentic woman I am today. Except now I'm not authentic, since I'm in Red's body, but you get what I mean. And if you hadn't become DA, you never would have tried to bulldoze over those flowers, and Red never would have dated you and then tried to kill you, and you guys wouldn't have whatever it is you have now."

"Yeah, that's…seeing the positive side, I guess," said Two-Face, slowly. "I also wouldn't have this horrible physical or mental deformity."

"It's not a deformity, Harvey," said Harley. "I mean, the physical thing is, yeah. But when you study psychology like I have, you come to the conclusion that everyone's a little crazy – most people just spend their lives trying to hide that, and repress it. You probably did that your whole life, but now you're living your true self, and you've become who you were meant to be. It's not deformity – it's destiny."

"So I'm destined to be a psycho," said Two-Face. "That's kinda depressing."

"Well, you're not a psycho compared to Mr. J," said Harley. "So that's something."

"I guess I can always feel better by comparing myself to the Joker," agreed Two-Face.

"I don't see why – I would think any guy would feel a lot worse," said Harley. "Because they just can't compare. Mr. J's the smartest, handsomest, bestest guy in the whole wide world."

"Yeah…that's really weird to hear coming outta Pammie's mouth," said Two-Face. "And anyway, you gotta pretend to be more like her for this meeting with Luthor."

"I'm not gonna just jump him, which is what she would probably do," retorted Harley. "I don't even know why she uses this lipstick – surely there's gotta be an easier way to control guys' minds than by kissing 'em? Unless she just likes kissing randomers, but I certainly don't."

"I just don't know what she sees in Lex," said Two-Face. "He's just awful. He's not attractive, and he's got a horrible personality. He's a selfish, egomaniacal, power-hungry, cold-hearted businessman. He's exactly the kind of man she should hate, and rightfully so."

"No arguments here," agreed Harley. "It's probably just a sex thing for her, don't worry. He's probably just really good in bed."

"And…I shouldn't be worried about that because…?" asked Two-Face.

"Because it don't mean anything," retorted Harley. "You know Red – she'll sleep with anything in pants because that's her idea of fun. But she never uses the same guy for more than a couple months. You and she have been going on for years now, which tells me that it's more than sex with you."

"So you think…we got some kinda future?" asked Two-Face, slowly.

"All I'm saying is Red is sticking around for some reason," said Harley, shrugging. "It might just be because you're the best guy she's ever had in bed, but I think it's more than that. I mean, nobody's that good that you'd waste your time hanging around them long term if you were only with them for the sex. Except maybe Mr. J. He's just crazy good, and knows just what to do to a gal to get her all revved up…"

"You know, these are things I don't need to hear about," interrupted Two-Face, quickly.

"Yeah, you're right, I need to focus on how I'm gonna act around Lex," agreed Harley, nodding. "I guess I could just try to pretend he's Mr. J, and act like I'd act around him. I mean, it'll take some imagination on my part, but desperate times call for desperate measures, am I right?"

"Ivy really isn't as…demonstrative as you around guys she likes," said Two-Face, slowly. "She's subtler and less obvious. While you're all over J all the time, for instance, she prefers to treat the whole thing like a dance, sending signals back and forth before you finally get to the main event."

"A dance," repeated Harley, nodding. "Got it. I can do that. I can do subtle."

"Can you?" asked Two-Face, skeptically.

"Sure," said Harley. "What makes you think I can't?"

"Gee, I dunno," said Two-Face, sarcastically. "The giant hammer you carry around with you, the way you talk and act and dress, your whole personality, a lotta little things, I guess."

"I was a shrink for a lotta years, you know," retorted Harley. "I can repress all that – I just choose not to, now that I have a choice. So don't you worry about me, Harv."

"I'm not," said Two-Face. "But I figure I should stick around in case Lex tries anything."

"And so you can show him that you're together, in the hopes that he'll leave Red alone in future," said Harley, nodding. "You ain't subtle either, Harvey."

"Touche," agreed Two-Face. "Now please get us to Metropolis in one piece. For once, I'm not a fan of twos."

They were stopped by security guards at the entrance to LexCorp, who instantly radioed for Luthor's personal security detail, which consisted of Mercy Graves. "Does Mr. Luthor have an appointment to see you…people?" she asked, sneering at them.

"You don't need to take that tone, just because I had Lexual relations, and you ain't," retorted Harley. "You just tell him Ivy's here to see him, and see how he responds."

"I don't have to do that, you know," snapped Mercy.

"You do if you don't want another boxing glove to the back of the head, like I gave you last time," retorted Harley.

"You never gave me a boxing glove to the back of the head – that was that dumb clown girl," retorted Mercy.

"For your information, she ain't dumb – she's a doctor!" snapped Harley. "What medical degrees do you got, sweetheart?!"

"I was trained how to kill someone just by touching them," retorted Mercy. "So please, keep pushing me."

"Ladies, believe me, I hate to break up the impending catfight, but we do need to see Luthor urgently," said Two-Face, stepping in between them. "If it makes you feel better, I promise nothing unprofessional is going to happen between Ivy and Luthor. This is a strictly business transaction, which will hopefully be mutually profitable. And you don't want Luthor hearing somehow that you didn't let him conduct profitable business because of some petty grudge, do you?"

Mercy glared at him, but raised an intercom to her lips. "Lex, the plant freak and the half-faced freak are here from Gotham to see you."

"Send them up," came Luthor's voice over the intercom.

"You're good, Harvey," whispered Harley, as Mercy reluctantly let them pass. "Glad I brought you along after all."

"Believe me, I had to deal with a lotta people like Lex in my time as DA," said Two-Face, nodding as they entered the elevator. "Money is the language that everyone understands."

They entered Luthor's office, and he looked up from his desk, smiling at Harley. "Ivy, what a pleasant surprise," he said, standing up and coming over to embrace her and kiss her cheek.

"You keep your hands to yourself, creep!" snapped Harley, forgetting for a moment that she was meant to pretend to be Ivy and backing away from him. Two-Face coughed loudly, and she was reminded. "I mean…it's great to see you again, Lex," she said, embracing him and returning the cheek kiss.

"You know you're welcome to see me anytime you want, but why did you bring the disgraced DA?" asked Luthor, glancing at Two-Face. "I know I prefer our meetings when they're strictly private and…intimate," he murmured, sliding his hands down her waist.

"God, you are such a…charmer, Lex," said Harley, trying to hide her shudder. "But we're here on actual business – it's kinda a long story, 31 pages so far, in fact, but for reasons which are very difficult to explain, we need to borrow some Kryptonite from you so we can threaten Superman."

"Well, while I'm always in favor of threatening Superman, that's quite a large favor, isn't it?" asked Luthor. "Kryptonite doesn't grow on trees, you know. So I'm going to need a very large favor in return."

"Ok, whatever you want," said Harley, nodding.

"Um…Ivy, maybe we should hear the favor first before we agree to it," said Two-Face. "I would just advise that from a legal perspective."

"You really want the lawyer around when you meet with me?" asked Luthor, nodding at him. "Why don't you tell him to leave us alone so we can have some real fun?"

"She clearly needs me around so she doesn't make terrible deals without hearing the terms of them first," retorted Two-Face.

"Ivy doesn't need any man," retorted Luthor. "Isn't that right, Ivy?"

"Yeah, men, boo, hiss," said Harley, nodding. "I hate 'em all. But I want Harvey to stay…for now," she added with a smile. "And given our history together, Lex, do we really need to ruin all this with talk of business deals? You know the kinda gal I am – sooner or later, I'll need my sexy Lexy to scratch my itch as only he can. Why don't you give me the Kryptonite now, and I'll pay you back the next time I'm in the mood for some Luthor beefcake?"

"You think sex is equal in value to Kryptonite?" asked Luthor. "Are you insane?"

"Yes," said Harley, nodding firmly. "So you know how crazy good the sex is going to be. And c'mon, Lex – it's kinda hot to be offering myself to you with my other ex standing right there," she purred. "The illicitness of it, and the thrill of it just make me wanna…dance."

"I said like a dance, not an actual dance!" hissed Two-Face, burying his faces in his hands as Harley began shimmying back and forth, twisting her body to an unheard rhythm.

"You said what now?" asked Harley, turning to him.

"No, really, what part of that do you think is subtle?!" demanded Two-Face. "You said you could do subtle, Harley!"

"Harley?" repeated Luthor, instantly backing away from her. "What the hell is going on?!"

"Ok, see, this is why we need the Kryptonite – Ivy and I switched bodies this morning via alien technology, and now we need Superman to somehow speed up time and switch us back before Ivy's plants can destroy Gotham!" exclaimed Harley. "You gotta help us out, Lex!"

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to do," retorted Luthor. "And I especially do not want to help the Joker's dumb blonde slut who has aided that lunatic in foiling and humiliating me more times than I can count! If Ivy's plants destroy Gotham, it's all the better for me – I can buy up all the land before that idiot Wayne can, and build cheap condos on the rubble which I can rent out at extortionate rates. Thanks for letting me know, so I can get on that as soon as the chaos has settled. Now get out."

"Not gonna happen," said Harley, forcefully. "We ain't leaving without the Kryptonite."

"Yes, you are," said Luthor, pressing a button on his desk. Mercy and two other goons entered, pointing guns at them.

"Ok, Harley, let's…" began Two-Face, backing toward the door, but Harley suddenly kicked upward, knocking the gun out of Mercy's hand, and lunged forward, shoving her to the ground as the guards' bullets whizzed over her head. Harley instantly jumped to her feet…or she tried to, anyway, but instead ended up falling back on top of Mercy.

"Dammit, Red's body has thrown my balance off!" she exclaimed, struggling to her feet again and slamming her foot down on Mercy's face to knock her unconscious. "I bet I can't even do a back-flip…"

"Harley, look out!" shouted Two-Face, reaching for his gun as one of the guards aimed at her, but she fell backwards into him as she attempted her back-flip, causing his gun to go off in his own face. Two-Face shrugged, shooting the remaining guard and keeping his gun fixed on Luthor, who was reaching for his own gun hidden in his desk drawer.

"Don't try it, Lex!" snapped Harley, storming over to him. "Just give us the Kryptonite!"

"I will never…" began Luthor, but Harley suddenly seized him and pressed her lips against his.

"Well…that was unpleasant," she commented, drawing away and wiping her lips.

"For both of us," agreed Luthor. "But the mind control lipstick doesn't work on me, Harley. I created an antidote for that the moment I got involved with Ivy, and now I'm immune to it."

"Well, it's unfortunate for you that that wasn't the mind control lipstick, now isn't it?" asked Harley. "That was Red's poison lipstick, you know, the kind that kills a guy in thirty seconds or less. She gave me the antidote, but if you don't get it fast, you're gonna shrivel up and die like an old weed. And the only way you're getting it is if you trade me for the Kryptonite," she said, holding up a small container. "So what's it gonna be, Lex? You have about ten seconds before you're gonna be in too much pain to consider my offer. Ten…nine…eight…seven…"

Luthor glared at her, but unlocked a drawer in his desk and tossed a small box at her. "Here, take it, and give me that!"

"Aw, I was hoping I could get to two for Harvey's sake," said Harley, smiling at Two-Face. She opened the box to make sure he had actually given her Kryptonite, nodded, and then tossed the container to him.

"Come on, Harvey, let's go," she said, heading for the door as Luthor downed the contents of the container. He choked suddenly.

"This is…ink!" he gasped.

"Yeah, it's from a pen I swiped on the way in here," said Harley, nodding. "The lipstick wasn't really poisoned either – I just used a few cheap, psychological tricks to fool ya. Looks like you got schooled by Dr. Harleen Frances Quinzel, psychiatrist extraordinaire. See ya around, Lexy!" she said, waving at him as they headed out the door. "What?" she asked, looking at Two-Face, who had just been staring at her.

"Nothing," he said. "I just…guess I underestimate you sometimes, Harley."

"Folks tend to do that," said Harley, nodding. "Everyone except Mr. J. It's like my superpower. And speaking of superpowers, let's go blow up a building or something to get the attention of the Superfreak."

Her phone rang at that moment, and she answered it. "Hello? Red? What's going on there? You what? They what?! Ok, we got the Kryptonite and we're gonna catch a ride with Superman, so we should be there soon. Try and keep my parents and Mr. J safe – let 'em have Nightwing. He's what? Oh great – we'll be there as quick as we can."

She hung up with a sigh. "Batman's just arrived in Blüdhaven, we gotta go deal with Superman, and I had to kiss Lex Luthor. Honestly, could this day get any worse?"