"This is Lois Lane on Metropolis Today. Our top story – Superman has once again proven himself the savior of Metropolis by helping us out in ways both big and small. While our local hero frequently battles dangerous villains from outer space, today his feat was a little less epic, but no less important, as he rescued a group of kittens stuck up a tree…"
"Look at him helping those kitties like he's some kinda hero," muttered Harley, as she and Two-Face crouched just outside the television studio, watching footage from earlier that day of Superman flying up to bring the kittens down from the tree.
"Yeah, how dare he," said Two-Face, sarcastically.
"I bet they don't even have kitties on whatever planet he's from," said Harley, scowling at the footage. "He should leave earth kitties alone. I should get a sign saying 'Hands off earth pussy' and go protest him, right, Harvey?"
"Uh…sure," said Two-Face, slowly. "If you think that would get Superman's attention, go for it."
"I got better ways of getting his attention, I told you," retorted Harley, approaching the studio door.
"Quite a sweet gesture, wouldn't you agree, Zach?" asked Lois, turning to her co-anchor.
"Quite a sweet PR stunt, I'll give him that," said her co-anchor, nodding. "I know you women swoon over everything a good-looking, super-powered guy does, but I don't buy his boy-scout routine for a second."
"I know, Zach – your whole purpose here is to stir controversies for ratings," sighed Lois, fixing some papers on her desk. "Though I'm honestly not sure how you can twist this one into a negative thing. You simply cannot take the symbol for truth, justice, and the American way and make him into something dark and troubling. That's just not in his character."
"There are a lot of dark and troubling things about the American way, Lois," retorted Zach. "Superman represents a pipe-dream of a bygone age, an age of hope and ideals. That's all gone now, there are no more hopes and ideals, and we have to face real life as it is, which is dark and terrible. There's no room for hope and optimism anymore, especially when dealing with serious topics like super-powered aliens, and we have to accept the fact that even our treasured hero might be capable of horrible things."
"Horrible things like saving kittens," said Lois, nodding. "Maybe you'd be more comfortable in Gotham, Zach."
"No way – we got enough Bat apologists there!" snapped Harley, storming onto the set. "And we got enough dark and brooding there to make the whole city suicidal! Which is why my puddin' thinks it's so important to spread smiles…"
"Uh…Ivy, I don't believe you have a puddin'," spoke up Two-Face, reminding Harley of whose body she was in.
"Oh…yeah," she said, slowly. "I meant...Harley's puddin', the Joker."
"That's a Freudian slip if I ever heard one, Miss Ivy," said Lois, her desire for a hot news story overriding her fear at the appearance of two supervillains at her place of work. "Are you saying you have feelings for the Joker?"
"Oh no," said Harley, hastily. "Oh, no, no, no. I don't know what you're thinking, but you shouldn't be thinking that. Mr J…the Joker's a one woman loon, and he adores his Harley. Even if I had these feelings, which I definitely do not, he would never, ever cheat on her…"
"I didn't suggest cheating– you did," interrupted Lois. "Which makes me think you're protesting too much, Miss Ivy. Are you having an affair with the Joker?"
"No, I told you, he's a one woman loon!" shouted Harley. "Honestly, I'm…I mean, Harley's the shrink here, and I've learned from her that sometimes people just hear what they wanna hear! This breaking news supervillain love triangle bombshell would certainly get a lot more viewers than your stupid kitten story, so now you wanna twist reality to suit your own agenda, just like all the mainstream media and their fake news! Well, no more, toots! You journalists are gonna be held accountable for your actions, including making up lies about insanely happy couples! Harvey, grab her!"
"I told you, the coin said this was a bad idea," said Two-Face. "I'm not comfortable with it, and I'm having no part of it."
"Fine, I'll do it myself," snapped Harley, grabbing Lois around the waist and hauling her out of her chair. "C'mon, sweetheart, let's go be live bait for your boy-scout boyfriend!"
"You see, Lois? The presence of Superman lures supervillains like these here to hurt innocent people in order to plot his destruction…" began Zach, who just sat smugly in his chair as Lois fought against Harley.
"Put a sock in it, emo!" snapped Harley. "We ain't plotting Superman's destruction! We just need him to show up here so this awful day can be over – as bad as you think being kidnapped on air is, today's been a lot worse for me than it's been for you, trust me! We'll be on the roof, Supey!" she called into the camera, as she dragged a struggling Lois out of the studio.
"How long do you think it will take for Superman to appear?" asked Two-Face, as he followed Harley and Lois.
"I dunno – he's faster than a speeding bullet, so hopefully not very long," replied Harley, attempting to drag Lois, who had dug her heels in, up the stairs to the roof. "Just gimme a hand here, will ya, Harv?" she snapped.
"The coin…" began Two-Face, taking it out.
"You don't need the stupid coin – now just be a man and help me carry this struggling woman up the stairs!" interrupted Harley, grabbing the coin away from him. "You know you want to!"
"I really don't…" began Two-Face.
"You do if you ever want this coin back in your possession without it being shoved into your good eye!" snapped Harley. "And I wouldn't test if I'm joking, if I were you! I ain't messing around anymore – I'm at the end of my tether! Now pick her up or I swear to God I'll make you suffer so much it'll make the day you lost half your face a pleasant memory by comparison!"
Two-Face nodded slowly, lifting Lois's legs as Harley picked her up under her arms and lifted her off her feet. They hauled her up onto the roof and then dropped her on the ground. Lois struggled to her feet, glaring at Harley furiously as she scanned the skyline.
"You're using me as bait to get Superman's attention?" she demanded. "That's pretty demeaning for you, Ivy. Aren't you always saying that women should be more than a man's motivation?"
"Maybe I am - that does sound like me," agreed Harley. "But this is an emergency, and I know nothing will get a man's attention like his woman being in danger. Personally, I don't know what you see in him, though – you're clearly a smart, sophisticated woman who can do better than the big, dumb, hero type."
"Yes, God forbid a smart, sophisticated woman would choose a good, decent man rather than the stereotypical bad boys," said Lois, sarcastically. "Obviously I should be interested in clown criminals, as you so apparently are."
"Look, I'm not blind, so I'll admit that the Joker's a gorgeous guy, and that Harley's a lucky woman," said Harley, nodding. "But I'm not interested in him - I got a great guy right here," she said, smiling at Two-Face.
"Oh yes, a bipolar supercriminal with half a face who depends on flipping a coin to make decisions – what a catch," said Lois, sarcastically.
"Hey, shut up!" snapped Two-Face. "You want me to shoot her?" he asked, taking out his gun and turning to Harley. "Because I think that'll get Superman's attention real quick. See if he's faster than my speeding bullet."
"Nah, we don't need to go that extreme," said Harley.
"So what, you're just gonna tie me up here and we'll wait for Superman to appear?" demanded Lois.
"Nah, that's not extreme enough," said Harley, staring at her. She suddenly lunged forward, shoving Lois back and off the roof of the building.
"Don't worry – he'll catch you before you splatter on the ground!" Harley called over Lois's screaming as she plummeted toward the concrete below.
"She'd better hope he will," said Two-Face, watching her fall. "He's cutting it real close…"
Just before Lois hit the ground, a blurred shape caught her and soared back up toward the roof, depositing her to safety and glaring at Harley and Two-Face with his arms folded across the large 'S' on his chest.
"Should I even ask for an explanation?" Superman demanded. "Or what you're doing in my city?"
"No time," said Harley, reaching into her bag. "All you need to know is that I got this," she said, taking out the Kryptonite and shoving it at him. Superman instantly fell back, shielding his eyes from the glow. "And now that I've got your attention, Supey," said Harley, beaming at him. "You're gonna do a little favor for me."
