"Oh, will this accursed day never end?" sighed Tetch, rubbing his temples. "I don't know how you manage to regularly stay up late, Jonathan – it's completely knocked me out for the rest of the day, even with an endless supply of tea. I'm worried the caffeine is beginning to lose its effect in pepping me up."

"I would say it's moved beyond that into the stages of addiction," retorted Crane.

"Yes, well, I need it to live, if that's what you mean," retorted Tetch, pouring another cup of tea from the pot. "I hope Harley gets back here soon, otherwise I'm going to take a nap and leave the damned device unmonitored. It's not like it can do any more damage."

"How on earth can you take a nap when Ivy's plants are tearing up the city?" demanded Crane.

"Oh, when isn't there chaos in Gotham?" asked Tetch. "If you can't learn to sleep through that, you'll never sleep at all."

"Well, Harley will be here soon," said Crane. "I have absolute faith in her having succeeded in her mission. She's so smart and capable – it's truly a shame she can't demonstrate those qualities around her paramour."

"Oh, I don't know," said Tetch. "Just because she isn't spouting trivial facts all the time doesn't make her unintelligent. And I believe the Joker thinks she's very capable – why else would he keep her around? He doesn't suffer fools gladly, and if you truly believe he doesn't feel any affection or love for her, the only reason must be because she's useful to him in some way. We all know how incompetent the usual henchmen help in Gotham is – he must rely on her competence for every task he undertakes. He's certainly generally more successful than the rest of us, and that's probably because he has Harley to rely on."

"Yes, you don't need to remind me that he's a luckier man than all of us in every way," retorted Crane. "Believe me, I know. And he doesn't deserve any of it."

"I don't believe luck is concerned with merit," replied Tetch. "It's just random and nonsensical, like the Joker, which must be why it gravitates toward him."

"I thought opposites attracted," said Crane.

"Only in science," replied Tetch. "Which has no place in nonsense. That's why there are no rules of physics in Wonderland – one can grow to enormous or tiny size simply by eating or drinking. I used to think that was just complete nonsense, but since I've managed to switch people's bodies simply by spilling tea, I'm beginning to wonder if that's something that could somehow be invented."

"Please don't even consider it – the last thing we need is a 100-foot Joker showing up somehow," sighed Crane.

"Yes, it probably would work out like that," sighed Tetch. "Nothing ever works out the way I want it to. Which makes that god as Joker theory more plausible the more I think about it."

"Yeah, he is kinda a god," sighed a voice, and they both turned to see Superman floating in front of their window, with what appeared to be Poison Ivy, who had dreamily spoken those words, hitching a piggyback ride, while the woman who appeared to be Harley Quinn was swooning in Superman's arms. "I mean, a god among men, a sex god, you name it," continued Harley in Ivy's body.

"That's most disturbing coming out of Ivy's mouth," said Crane, as Superman flew in through the window. "Not that it would really be any less disturbing coming out of Harley's mouth, but at least it would make more sense."

"Harley, you can let go now," Superman said, attempting to deposit Ivy down on the floor, but she clung on determinedly.

"That ain't Harley," sighed Harley, hopping to the ground. "That's the problem. Red and me have switched bodies, and we need your alien powers to switch us back."

"How did you get switched in the first place?" asked Superman, who managed to disentangle himself from Ivy's embrace at last.

Everyone turned to look at Tetch. "It wasn't my fault – it was an accident!" he exclaimed.

"It was an accident that only could have occurred by you playing around with alien technology like an idiot man," retorted Ivy.

"How did you get your hands on alien technology?" demanded Superman.

"Well, Batman…accused me of inventing it, which I didn't, but then he hurried off to confront you about it, and in his haste, he just…forgot to collect it back from me," said Tetch, slowly. "So I took it."

"And you thought it would be fun to just mess around with the space-time continuum, did you?" asked Superman. "You think bending the fabric of space and time is all just an amusing game?"

"Well, it certainly appears that way in fiction…" began Tetch.

"But this isn't fiction, is it?" demanded Superman.

"Ah, now that's a debate," said Tetch, smiling at him. "What is reality, after all? Are we not all figures in the Red King's dream? Perhaps we are all fictional characters written in a story by some mysterious author who controls our destinies…"

"Ok, let me put it like this, it's a real mess you've gotten everyone into, isn't it?" interrupted Superman.

"Yes, it is," agreed Tetch, apologetically. "And I'm truly very sorry for the trouble I've caused, particularly the destruction of so much of the city due to Ivy's plants rampaging. If there was some way I could pay for the damage…"

"Oh no, you ain't doing that," spoke up Harley. "The Bat destroys large chunks of the city all the time, and he never pays for it, so why should you? At least yours was just an honest mistake, but it's an honest mistake I want fixed ASAP," she said, shoving the device into Superman's hands.

Superman studied it. "Yes, I recognize it – some kind of matter transposer. Batman did come to see me about this, and I told him there's a lot of alien contraband being smuggled onto this planet and while I do my best, I can't keep track of all of it on top of the thousands of other crimes I'm stopping every day."

"Isn't that what you have your little Justice League for?" demanded Harley. "I mean, I know tracking down contraband isn't as glamorous or as photo-op worthy as saving kittens, but it's still pretty worthwhile, doncha think? Jesus, you people come here and cause insane amounts of problems, but you're only interested in cleaning up the ones that make you look good. Don't you think planet earth has enough messes without you adding super-messes to 'em?"

"Harley, if there are more aliens like him out there, I, for one, am welcoming them with open arms," said Ivy.

"Not with my arms, you ain't," retorted Harley. "Just switch us back now, Supey, and stop making excuses for yourself, you big, super-powered bully."

"Goodness, she's magnificent," sighed Crane, gazing at her adoringly.

"I didn't know you had feelings for Ivy, Scarecrow," said Superman, who glanced up from the device to see him staring at her.

"For…Ivy?" stammered Crane, incredulous, but then he realized that pretending he had a crush on Ivy was far less embarrassing than admitting his crush on Harley. "Why yes…Ivy…of course no man can resist her," he said, slowly. "But it's just a meaningless pathetic little crush which I'm sure will pass in no time at all…"

"Aw, that's cute though, Johnny," said Harley, smiling at him. "You and Red should go out for a date when she gets her own body back. Who knows? Opposites attract – you two might make a good couple."

Both Ivy and Crane laughed, and then noticed the look on Harley's face. "Oh…you weren't joking," said Ivy, slowly. "That's my serious face."

"Really, Harley, I do hate to contradict you, but we wouldn't be a good match at all logically…" began Crane.

"But love ain't got nothing to do with logic, Johnny," said Harley. "Or else I'd be crazy to be head over heels for Mr. J. You should just go out for dinner once, just to see where it goes."

"If I was still in Harley's body, I know exactly where he'd want it to go," muttered Ivy under her breath.

"Shut up, woman!" hissed Crane.

"See, you're whispering sweet nothings to each other and everything," sighed Harley. "If that ain't the promising start to a beautiful relationship, then I don't know what is. Though now that I think about it, Harvey might get jealous and try to beat you up, Johnny…"

"Harvey doesn't own me!" snapped Ivy. "I can go out with any guy I wanna!"

"But you really don't want to go out with me, do you, Ivy?" asked Crane, desperately. "It's all right, there's no hard feelings, so please don't feel bad about saying it…"

"No, I'm gonna do it just to spite Harvey if he tries and forbids me!" snapped Ivy. "He doesn't control me like that! No man controls me like that!"

"How's it coming, Superman?" spoke up Tetch, trying to distract his friend from the mounting terror he could read across his face.

"Fine, I think," said Superman, who had been examining the device carefully. "Fortunately the transposer's effects were only designed to be temporary – they're only meant to last for what would translate into 24 hours on earth. All I need to do is find some way to trick the transposer into thinking that 24 hours have passed, and that the earth has completed one rotation around its axis."

"How are you going to do that?" asked Tetch.

"Simple. I'm going to fly this thing around the earth's axis," retorted Superman. "Be back in a second," he said, zooming out the window.

"Surely he doesn't actually mean a second…" began Tetch.

"Here you go," said Superman, reappearing suddenly and tossing the device at Tetch. "It should reset everything back to normal just about…now."

There was a loud popping, the room seemed to shake, and Ivy suddenly breathed a sigh of relief from her own body. "Thank God, I feel like myself again," she murmured. "And I can sense my babies again…babies, stop attacking Gotham now. No, Mommy says now. Now!" she shouted, and the plants that had been raging outside instantly began to slink down in shame, crawling sheepishly back under the ground.

Harley also breathed a sigh of relief, stretching in her own body. "Gosh, I've missed being me," she sighed. "I never thought I'd say this, but thanks, Superman."

"Happy to help," said Superman, nodding at her. "Now I'm taking this to prevent disasters like this in the future," he said, confiscating the device.

"Yes, very well," sighed Tetch. "I suppose that's best – at least nothing like this will accidentally happen again. The last thing we need is a sorry sequel to this whole affair."

"I'm glad you're seeing sense for once," said Superman. "I'm heading home to Metropolis now. Tell Batman to call if he needs any help cleaning up the city."

"Why don't you just go do that?" asked Harley. "It'll take you like, two seconds, right?"

"I don't want to step on Batman's toes," replied Superman. "Trust me, he's a surprisingly touchy guy, and sometimes doesn't take help in the spirit with which it was given. I think he sometimes sees it as me showing off my super powers, and resents it."

"Well, at least he ain't totally crazy," said Harley. "But before you go, can you drop us back off in Blüdhaven? It's on your way."

"Oooh, yes, please," said Ivy, throwing herself into Superman's arms again. "It'll be nice to experience this in my own body. And hey handsome, if you're not doing anything later, maybe we could go for a drink."

"Don't you already have a date with Scarecrow?" asked Superman.

"No, she does not!" retorted Crane.

"I can date more than one guy – I'm a modern woman, sweetie," said Ivy, smiling at Superman.

"Well, I'm an old-fashioned kinda guy who's seeing someone, so…no, thanks," said Superman.

"Aw, that's sweet," said Ivy, reaching for her lipstick in her bosom. She frowned. "Harley, where's my mind-control lipstick?" she demanded.

"Oh yeah, sorry, Red," said Harley. "I think it fell out on the way here. I'm not used to having enough cleavage to store things in, so I just didn't notice. You can make another one though, right?"

"Yes, but not here and now," growled Ivy, sullenly. "What a terrible end to a terrible day. And I still don't know who my father is, which J is gonna keep bringing up, so that particular nightmare isn't over yet," she sighed. "And speaking of nightmares, I also have to go out with Johnny just to show Harvey I can."

"You really don't…" began Crane.

"Yeah, but at least you're back in your own body again," interrupted Harley. "So look on the bright side. You kinda take your own form for granted until you're trapped in someone else's, but let me tell you, I've never been so relieved to be me. I think it's a valuable lesson for everyone about self-acceptance and body image. We always think the grass is greener until we're stuck in someone else's body, but it only makes you appreciate your own body more. And my body is dying to be reunited with a certain clown's, so let's get to Blüdhaven ASAP. Supey, mush!" she commanded, climbing onto his back again.

Crane and Tetch watched them fly off out the window. "I'm not going out with Ivy," said Crane, firmly. "Not under any circumstances."

"I'm sure she's no more keen than you are," replied Tetch. "Anyway, I'm sure you won't have to. She's a reasonable woman – she's not going to suffer through an evening with a man she has no interest in just to make another man jealous."

"Isn't she?" demanded Crane. "That certainly sounds like her plan, and frankly it doesn't sound hugely out of character for her! She's not at all a reasonable woman – she's completely insane!"

"Yes, well, today hasn't worked out very well for either of us," sighed Tetch. "I accidentally destroyed a huge portion of the city, and I lost the device. I hadn't even scratched the surface of its potential, but now Superman's going to hide it away in some secret vault probably chock full of all kinds of curious and wondrous alien technology which is off limits to us mere mortals…"

"Yes, if only someone had planted a tracking device on it," said Crane, lightly.

Tetch stared at him. "You did?" he gasped.

"Well, I figured he'd try and take it away," said Crane, shrugging. "You know what those superhero types are like. Always thinking they know best, and that they're the only ones who should be allowed to have access to things like that. They think we mere mortals are too irresponsible, and I suppose we haven't really contradicted that by spilling tea on it twice. But to err is human, after all, which those god-like perfectionists can't possibly understand. Anyway, if our theory is correct, and there is a Joker-like god, I thought it would be a shame to just accept what he doles out without putting up a bit of a fight. Sometimes it's better to tempt fate, don't you agree?"

"I do," said Tetch, nodding. "Which means we're going on super-burglary. Now where the devil are my lockpicks?"