"All I'm saying is, I already have multiple origin stories, each one more dark and gritty than the last," Joker was saying. "Y'know, the red hood one, the gangster one, the family guy who has one bad day one, it's all been done. So frankly I'm interested in seeing a movie that can do a fresh new take on my character, maybe a classic superhero origin like getting bitten by radioactive clown. Now that's a movie I would pay to see, and I'm betting lots of other people would too."
"Yes, that sounds…interesting," said Mrs. Quinzel, politely.
"I wouldn't pay to see it," muttered Mr. Quinzel.
"Agreed," said Batman, who had handcuffed Joker and Two-Face to the table.
"You probably wouldn't pay to see any movie that has me stealing your spotlight," retorted Joker. "It's always all about you, isn't it? Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, Batman Begins, Batman vs. Superman, Batman, Batman, Batman! I bet people are sick of hearing your name. For a guy in a mask, you certainly crave a lotta attention. If Hollywood is looking for ideas, instead of the endless sequels and reboots, it should start paying attention to some of the other, more interesting people in your life. Like you, Junior," he said, turning to Nightwing. "I'm sure there's a fascinating story about how your teenage angst drove you to reject Batman's mentorship and then basically become him by taking justice into your own hands in a neighboring city. It would be kinda a tragic, fatalistic story about how you can't escape your destiny of being a vigilante nutcase. But then children do often emulate their parents, don't they? I know my potential child is also a supercriminal…"
"What potential child?" demanded Batman. "I thought Harley said she wasn't pregnant!"
"Well, not that she knows of," said Joker, shrugging. "But accidents can happen, can't they? I assume that's why you have so many Robins – you keep accidentally having kids and then trying to get rid of them, and they're sure to die if you make 'em your sidekicks, what with so many criminals gunning for you…"
Batman shoved a napkin into his mouth, silencing him.
"Thank you," sighed Nightwing. "Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him, Bats."
"Reluctantly," retorted Batman, glaring at Joker. "Are you going to be ok having to clean this place up, Nightwing?" he asked, turning to him. "Only I'm going to have a mess to clean up in Gotham."
"Sure," said Nightwing. "I mean, it'll take a while, but there's nothing we can do about that…"
"I could help," spoke up Superman, flying into the restaurant at that moment.
"No, thanks," retorted Batman, before Nightwing could gratefully accept. "We can handle it."
"I really wouldn't mind..." began Superman.
"And I would appreciate it..." began Nightwing.
"I said no!" snapped Batman. "We don't need your super-powered help, Superman! Just go back to Metropolis!"
Superman shrugged. "Told you," he muttered, as Harley hopped off his back. "Ivy, please, let go," he said, attempting to deposit her on the ground again.
"Red, c'mon, leave the alien weirdo alone," said Harley, trying to pull her off.
"Well, at least everything's clearly back to normal," sighed Two-Face. "Although we figured that out when the plants suddenly disappeared back underground."
"Would someone like to explain what happened?" asked Batman. Joker raised his hand. "Someone other than Joker?" asked Batman.
"Nope, you just need to know that it's over now," said Harley, who had managed to drag Ivy away. She skipped over to Joker, removing the napkin and planting a kiss on his lips. "Missed you, puddin'," she purred. "And Mom and Dad, it's so great to see you again!" she said, throwing herself into their arms.
"You've only been gone a few minutes, Harley," said Mr. Quinzel.
"It seemed like a lot longer than that," sighed Harley. "I haven't felt like myself all day."
"Is that because of your pregnancy?" asked Mrs. Quinzel.
"What pregnancy?" demanded Harley. "What have you been telling people, Mr. J?" she demanded, rounding on him.
"He's been talking about his potential daughter," growled Ivy, glaring at him. "Which has understandably confused and annoyed everyone."
"So no one's going to tell me what's going on?" demanded Batman.
"You're the world's greatest detective – you figure it out," retorted Harley.
Batman glared at her, and then slapped handcuffs on her. "You're all coming back to Arkham with me," he said, dragging her away and handcuffing her to the table. "Much as I hate to break up the little family reunion, you're actually all supposed to still be incarcerated."
"Aw, c'mon, Bats," said Harley. "None of us meant to cause any trouble – we just found ourselves in a situation where it became necessary. We haven't really done anything wrong."
"I think the citizens of Gotham and Blüdhaven would have to disagree with you," retorted Batman, approaching Ivy in order to handcuff her.
"Red, if you feel in your pocket, I think you'll find something useful to help us outta this situation," said Harley.
Ivy obeyed her, pulling out the chunk of Kryptonite. "This isn't any good against Batman…" she began, but then she realized what Harley was talking about, and turned to Superman. "Sorry, handsome," she said. "But I need you to remove these Bat-freaks while we make our getaway."
"I will not…" began Superman, but he fell back, hissing in pain, as Ivy approached him.
"You will," she said. "Now fly 'em outta here, or this goes right in that pretty face of yours."
Superman glared at her, but he really had no choice against the relentless force of the Kryptonite. "Ok," he growled. "C'mon, Batman, Nightwing, let's go," he said, grabbing each of them by the arm and flying into the air.
"Superman, you put me down right now!" roared Batman, trying to struggle against him. "I have to take them back to Arkham!"
"Oooh, tell me somebody's filming this!" chuckled Joker, as Batman was flown out of the building against his will by Superman's superior strength. "Because that's a viral video for sure!"
"I could have probably used the Kryptonite to blackmail Superman into dating me instead," sighed Ivy, as she summoned her plants to smash the locks on the handcuffs. "That might have been worth going back to Arkham for."
"I wouldn't bet on it," growled Two-Face, snatching the Kryptonite from her.
"Give that back – I might still do that!" snapped Ivy, grabbing it back from him. "I can date anyone I want, Harvey, and don't you forget it! In fact, I'm going on a date with Scarecrow later!"
"What? Why?" asked Two-Face, more confused than anything else.
"To show you I can!" snapped Ivy.
"I know you can, but why would you want to?" asked Two-Face.
"Because I'm a free woman who makes my own decisions, that's why!" snapped Ivy. "And I'm not a slave to any man!"
"But if you're doing this to prove you're not controlled by a man, aren't you actually being controlled by a man because you need to prove to him you're not?" asked Two-Face.
"Don't try to confuse me with your facts and logic!" snapped Ivy.
"I'm real sorry about all this, Mom and Dad," said Harley. "We should go someplace that ain't been ravaged by plants to have a nice, quiet meal together and catch up. Unfortunately, that's probably most of Gotham at the moment. We probably should have hitched a ride to Metropolis with the Superfreak."
"But Harley, with the Batfreaks out of our hair and the city ravaged by plant destruction, this place is like a Joker-wonderland!" exclaimed Joker. "We can go wild, do whatever we want…"
He trailed off when he noticed Harley's expression. "Or we can…go to a nice, quiet café and talk," he muttered. "That sounds like…fun."
"Why don't you go play outside, Mr. J?" asked Harley, seeing him twitching restlessly already. "Me and Mom and Dad can have a nice dinner together, and maybe take a scenic walk or two in the Botanical Gardens, assuming those weren't destroyed by the plants. So maybe don't play around there where we might get hurt, huh? Destroy some other part of the city."
"I sure will, pumpkin," said Joker, kissing her. "Great seeing you again, Mr. and Mrs. Q, but I got some chaos to cause!" he exclaimed, hurrying off giggling hysterically to himself.
"Sometimes if you want the grown-ups to talk, you just gotta let the kiddies go play," sighed Harley. "And that's what Mr. J is – he's just a big, grown-up kid with no respect for rules or boundaries, or sense of remorse, or conscience, or moral compass."
"Probably not a great candidate for a father figure, Harley," commented Mr. Quinzel.
"I don't see why not – he can relate to the kiddies," said Harley. "Anyway, I don't think we need to worry about that just yet."
"Maybe you don't," muttered Ivy. "But speaking of which, maybe there's a way I can have a productive date with Scarecrow after all…"
