BLU Base
After returning from the rather chaotic event at Payload, BLU Team returned battered and bruised from yet another defeat at the hands of the RED Team. Granted, things were a little bit complicated due to the sudden Freak Fight between Pootis Mann and Solgineer, but it was still no excuse for losing again, especially since certain members were more preoccupied with gaining an upper hand in kills than moving the bomb cart. Needless to say, it was disastrous. Polite Spy may have done what he could to ease the pain by acquiring a bucket of ice cream for everyone (yet no one questioned where and how), but the morale was low once more.
"I can't believe it." Scout muttered, a spoon caked in rocky road sticking out of his mouth. "We lost again! AGAIN, to those freakin' REDs!" He turned over to Demoman, the Scotsman fishing around his bucket of rum raisin. "This has gotta be what, the eighth time this month we lost to them?"
"Feh, I don't think it's such a big deal." Demoman said, taking another scoop for himself.
"Scout's got a point," Sniper said, grabbing another bowl of butter pecan ice cream. "Our win record has been droppin' quicker than flies of late." The Australian hunter sat himself on a lawn chair. "And more frequently."
"Yeah, and it's been starting since the way beginning of the month!" Soldier said, clutching his bowl of cookie dough ice cream under between both his hands. "And that was when…" His eyes fell upon Polite Spy, who had just emerged from the bathroom. "Ah ha! I know what's causing are losses!" The American lunatic threw his ice cream into the air and charged at Polite Spy. The polite Freak quickly dodged out of the way as Soldier crashed into the bathroom, while also narrowly catching the bowl with ease. Polite Spy ducked his head into the bathroom, curious as to Soldier's condition.
"Sir, are you alright?" Polite Spy asked.
"At the beginning of the month we changed our toilet paper!" Soldier exclaimed, holding stacks of toilet paper rolls in his hands. "This toilet paper is not officially branded by Mann Co!" He turned towards Heavy, walking in with an ice cream sandwich, and glared at the Russian beneath his helmet. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!"
"Uh…" Heavy muttered, but Soldier ignored him.
"The communists must have swapped out our AMERICAN toilet paper with this strange placebo!" Soldier proclaimed. "It must somehow be releasing a sort of skin-contact poison that saps us of our strength and reduces us to weak little filly girls! Like Scout!"
"What?!" Scout shouted while Demoman and Sniper chuckled at the youth's expense.
"There is only one solution!" Soldier said, standing in front of the door. "We must burn all of our toilet paper immediately. Pyro, do your work." Soldier exited the building, with Pyro in suit, still holding a tub of chocolate chips (literally, no ice cream, just chocolate chips). Engineer sighed in defeat, putting his bowl of strawberry ice cream aside and following the two morons.
"I'll go and make sure Solly and Pyro don't burn our toilet paper." Engineer groaned, closing the door behind him. Spy held his spoon, still dripping with Neapolitan ice cream, and turned to Medic with his usual stoic expression.
"Have ever considered doing a brain transplant on Soldier?" Spy asked. "Like, say, replace his brain with zat of a monkey?"
"Constantly." Medic said through a mouthful of tutti frutti. "But ze problem is finding a monkey smarter zhen Soldier! Zey find ze comparison insulting!" While the German man laughed at his own joke, Spy walked off and joined his Freak counterpart, the latter sitting by the window and staring wistfully outside.
"Still concerned with ze matters of Doppelganger?" Spy asked, startling his hat wearing clone.
"Oh, it's nothing, monsieur," Polite Spy said, putting on a small smile. "It's nothing to be concerned about."
"Oh come now," Spy said, patting Polite Spy on the back. "You are technically me, zere is no need for such formalities." Polite Spy chuckled a bit.
"Forgive me, but I can't do zat." Polite Spy said. "For it is my namesake to be polite, and I must live up to my own standards." He turned to the window again and sighed. "But, yes, monsieur, I am deeply worried about ze others and ze situation with Doppelganger. HECU is incredibly good at apprehending ze dangerous ones of my ilk, but Doppelganger is… much."
"Do not worry." Spy said, glancing out the window as well. "I'm certain zat ze situation will be sorted out in a matter of moments." Off in the distance, a large mushroom cloud of an explosion erupted off in the distance, the absurdly loud sound following and rocking the building.
"What the hell was that?!" Scout exclaimed, having fallen out of his seat in shock. Spy looked at the explosion, putting his thumb against the plume as per radiation training. Much to his relief, the explosion was smaller, and thus, they were out of the bombing range. But where did the explosion occur? He wondered.
"Oi! That came from the RED Base!" Sniper said, peering through the scope of his rifle. Curious, Spy walked over to the Australian and tapped him on the shoulder. "See for yourself." Sniper took the rifle and peered through the scope. Sure enough, the explosion did come from the RED Base, easily discernable by the torn remnants of a sign bearing the RED logo covered in scorch marks lying embedded in a cactus.
"Zat cannot be good." Spy muttered. The door was kicked open, startling everyone in the room.
"Excuse me," Soldier said, walking in the room. "Could one of you look at the top of my head?" He pointed to his helmet, now sporting a large rock sticking out of it. Pyro stood behind him, shaking like a leaf, still holding a slightly burnt toilet paper roll.
"Hey boys!" Engineer called from outside. "Y'all better come and see this." One by one, the BLUs piled out of the building and gaped at two unusual sights: a pile of toilet paper covered in gasoline and a trio of green military jeeps pulling up to their base. Two squads of HECU soldiers piled out of the jeeps, barking orders and waving their rifles around. From the centermost jeep emerged Colonel Dyson, straightening his tie and checking his watch. The HECU leader approached the BLUs and gave them a salute.
"Boys, I am Colonel Dyson, Supreme Commander of the Hazardous Environment Containment Unit," Colonel Dyson said. "Here to deliver a report on behalf of the Administrator in regards to a recent development of the Doppelganger situation." He sniffed the air, redirecting his gaze at the pile of gas-soaked toilet paper. "Why is there…?"
"Don't ask, sir." Engineer said, waving his hand. "What can we do ya for, Colonel?" Dyson regained his composure, coughing into his hand and regaining his professional behavior.
"Ahem, Doppelganger managed to escape the Freak Facilities," Colonel Dyson said, eliciting a gasp from Polite Spy. "And has destroyed a large portion of the RED Base. Currently, one of my best operatives is facing him in combat while HECU Freaks are moving to engage Doppelganger as we speak."
"Okay, now how's dat our problem?" Scout asked, only to get smacked upside the head by Spy.
"The RED mercenary's barracks were destroyed in the explosion," Colonel Dyson explained. "So the Administrator has 'politely' requested that I deliver the following messages: All war-games are suspended until repairs are made to the RED Team's base." Demoman, Soldier, Pyro and Scout gave cheers. "And until then, BLU Base will be divided to house the RED Mercenaries." The cheers immediately silenced. "And the Freaks currently aiding them will also require rooming until we can arrange proper transport." Scout groaned extremely loudly.
"Um, sir, with all due respect," Engineer said, folding his arms. "The Administrator can go and sit on a pin for all Ah care if she expects us," He gestured to his fellow BLUs. "The rivals of Reliable Excavation Division to provide them a roof over their heads."
"Yes, the Administrator said you'd probably respond as such." Dyson said with a frown. "She would also like me to inform you that if you fail to comply, your pay will be docked heavily."
"How heavily are we talkin'?" Scout asked, worried about his wallet suddenly running empty. "I mean, we make about a million bucks a year on contracts alone."
"70%." Colonel Dyson said. The response was unanimously unpleasant, what with Scout swearing up a storm (to which Spy jammed a bar of soap in his mouth), Demoman spurting his scrumpy all over Soldier's head, Medic looking like he was having a heart attack, while the rest simply stared in shock and disbelief. "I'm sorry to tell you this, boys, but I have orders." He leaned towards Sniper and whispered in his ear. "And frankly, that old bat terrifies me sometimes. And I have to wrangle Freaks for a living." Sniper chuckled, but then continued to weigh in his options at this latest revelation. "And if it's any consolation, Mr. Hale as offered to build up a dividing barrier so you don't have to interact with each other." The HECU soldiers began piling back in their vehicles, with Colonel Dyson in suit. "They'll be arriving via truck by tomorrow evening. Toodles!" The door slammed shut, and the jeeps drove off, leaving behind a bunch of incredibly perturbed mercenaries in the dust. Scout finally spat out the soap, furiously trying to get the minty taste out of his mouth.
"This is bullshit!" Scout shouted, his face red with rage. "There is no way I am going to live with those REDs until they get their stupid base fixed up!"
"Ah hear yer complaints, Scout," Engineer said, rubbing his head. "But we ain't got a choice on the matter. A 70% pay-dock is not livable, how else am Ah gonna pay for my machines and for mah daughter?"
"We all have people tah support with this job!" Demoman exclaimed, helping clean Soldier off. "Me Ma' won't let me hear the end of it if I can't help her pay for the house."
"Heavy has family to support to," Heavy said, helping Medic onto his feet. "Sisters and mother in Russia…"
"I won't let the Commies take Lt. Bites and his family away from me!" Soldier proclaimed while Pyro attempted to yank the debris from his helmet, to no avail.
"My finances for medical parts!" Medic gasped, looking pale as death. "How can I pay for ze steady flow of animal organs for my experiment?!" He shot Scout a nasty look. "Ze whale esophagus I implanted in you didn't come cheap, ja?!" Before Scout could so much as react to having a whale esophagus inside him (and question the physical ramifications of how), Spy put a hand on his shoulder.
"And don't you send a bit of your pay to your darling mother?" Spy snidely asked, knowing just how to get under the young man's skin. Pulling away with a glower, Scout rubbed his head and sat down in defeat.
"Alright, we can't lose our money," Scout admitted. "But how are we gonna deal with those RED Bastards living under our roof, huh?" He stood up and got right up in Spy's face. "Huh? HUH? HUH?" Spy responded by nonchallantly shoving Scout onto the ground.
"I'll give Saxton a call," Sniper said, walking back into the base. "Take 'im up on his offer to put up a wall. That'll keep things nice and calm." One by one, the Mercs filed back into the base, ready to deal with the arriving nuisances/guests, with the exception of Soldier and Pyro, who had one matter to settle.
"Pyro!" Soldier said, finally yanking the debris from his helmet. "Let's do the thing." They turned to the pile of still soaked toilet paper, while Pyro simply held up a lighter to his/her/its face, a mischievous chuckle escaping the mask within. The fires could be seen for miles…
Author's Notes: MERRY SMISSMASS EVERYONE (Or Hannukrank, if you decide)! We would like to say, thank you all for helping Project FREAK achieve 100 reviews! You have no idea how much this means to us, especially with all the mayhem and madcap adventures occurring this past month (what with Ultimate Tournament, the newly published "Twisted Twelve", the loss of "Wandering Warriors Adventures", and the addiction that is both Undertale and the Invasion Update. Worry not, for the next chapter will include action, humor, and the appearance of a very special nutty Freak. Who, you may ask? All I can say is he's a Demo Freak… AND YOU WON'T GET ANY MORE OUT OF ME! Anyway, enjoy the stories, keep up the reviews, and have a wonderful holiday and new year… Unless Old Nick gets ya… TAKE CARE!
~IDA Officials, Head Writer Mask and Co-Writer Mad Minx
