Slow Office Day

An Agents of the Eye Short


The Eye in the Sky

(Five Days after Doppelganger's Second Rampage)


Since the whole debacle with the rampant Freak was put to rest, the four Agents of the Eye were left with very little to do, especially with HECU working overtime to keep the peace. As a result, the four men were extraordinarily bored, lounging about their command center doing absolutely nothing. Agent Grease sat in his chair, chewing on a tooth-pick and reading the newspaper, Agent Sci-Fi was playing desktop Solitaire on his computer for the umpteenth time today, Agent Cinder simply smoked a cigarette and ran a comb through his fiery orange hair, and Agent Splash simply spun in circles on his chair. Picturesque setting of a standard office day. Finally, the surfer Agent groaned loudly and shot up from his seat.

"I can't take it anymore!" Agent Splash exclaimed, his sunglasses bouncing on his head. "I'm sick with Cabin Fever!"

"Must be an epidemic, then." Agent Sci-Fi muttered, matching a stack of aces. "I've got it, too." He pushed himself away from his computer. "I don't even like Solitaire."

"It's very contagious, I'm told." Agent Grease added, folding his newspaper up. "You know it's really bad when the funnies don't even get a chuckle out of you."

"Well, what do you expect?" Agent Cinder retorted, removing his comb from his hair. "We just got done with one of the biggest disasters since the Containment Breach, which we only now just finished cleaning up, so of course there's going to be a slow day in the office."

"Let's do something then!" Splash said, flopping back in his chair. "The REDs and BLUs got their vacation, why don't we take one ourselves?" Agent Grease and Agent Cinder simply rolled their eyes, but Agent Sci-Fi seemed slightly intrigued.

"What would you have in mind, exactly?" Sci-Fi asked. "Given the four of us have extreme differences in likes and dislikes, and we have little in social relationships." Agent Splash simply stared with a deadpan look. "We don't like each other and don't have anything in common."

"All the more for bonding experiences!" Splash exclaimed, waving his arms about. "I say we go out and just DO SHIT!" He walked over to Cinder. "I know you're a bit of a gambling man, and there's a town near Teufort that has horse-races!" Cinder gave an irate puff of smoke, but the prospect interested him, while Splash ran over to Sci-Fi. "The town also has a really popular arcade, and I've seen you prattle on about innovations in entertainment technology!" Sci-Fi's eyes glistened behind his thick spectacles, as Splash finally walked over to Grease. "And to top it all off, a friend of mine runs a bar and can give us discount drinks!" The crew-cut agent rubbed his chin at the prospect of getting absolutely plastered. "So whaddaya say, guys? Wanna have a night on the town?" The three other Agents turned to each other, an almost telepathic conversation occurring through their facial expressions. Finally, Cinder rose from his seat, and made the group decision for everyone.


Redstone, New Mexico

Horse Racing Derby

"This is awesome!" Agent Splash exclaimed as the four men walked into the tin walls of the Horse Racing Derby. The group left the Eye in the hands of HECU and Miss Pauling and took an unscheduled vacation, and were they absolutely happy about it. The men were out of their work clothes and in more formal clothes for the event. Grease wore a dirty brown suit and sported a matching fedora that covered his crew-cut hair, but still sported his constant look of suspicion towards everyone. Cinder kept his standard bright orange attire, but had his hair slicked back as opposed to the fiery mess, and wore circular glasses with red lens, and found himself absent of a cigarette to take the nerve off. Sci-Fi wore a blue vest and white shirt, his goggles, and sported a tie designed with a DNA strand. And of course, Splash was dressed as casually as possible, wearing a blue polo shirt and a grey baseball cap that held up his sunglasses, scanning the area with excitement.

"I'll admit, this Derby is nicer than the usual dives I've gamed at." Cinder said, glaring harshly at the no smoking sign. "But still smells like horse crap and bad decisions."

"Otherwise known as your Sunday afternoon." Grease chuckled, walking over to the displays listing the horses and their bets. "Been a while since I've had a day at the races." Sci-Fi and Cinder joined the crew-cut man, checking the names of the horses, while Splash started to wander off. "Aren't you going to place a bet? This was your idea, you know."

"I'm not a betting man," Splash admitted. "So I'll go and get our seats, you guys put money on the horses." As the surfer man walked away, the three Agents looked at the many horses, and the odds stacked against them. After a good long while of debating, the tin horns sounded as the last race reached conclusion, and the Agents had decided who they were going to bet on. But not in the usual fashion.

"I've got the horse right here," Cinder said, shockingly singing his choice. "The name is Paul Revere, and here's a guy that says if the weather's clear," He pointed at the rider's name of the aforementioned horse. "Can do," He tilted his head towards Grease. "Can do," he glanced at Sci-Fi. "If he says the horse can do, can do, can do." While Cinder continued his singing, Grease shoved him aside and pointed to another horse.

"I'm picking Valentine," Grease sang, a firm tone in his voice. "'cause on the morning line, a guy has got him figured at five to nine." He held up his paper listing the horses and current bets. "Has chance," He gave a firm slap on the paper. "Has chance. This guy says the horse has chance." He glared at Cinder as he sang. "If he says the horse has chance, has chance, has chance." Sci-Fi's smile lit up, as he darted his eyes at another horse while Cinder and Grease continued to out-sing each other.

"But look at Epitaph!" Sci-Fi proclaimed. "He wins it by a half, according her to this Telegraph." He prodded the name on the board. "Big Threat, Big Threat!" He smirked at his fellow agents. "This guy calls the horse 'Big Threat'," He gave a short chuckle. "If he calls the horse Big Threat, Big Threat, Big Threat."

"I'll tell you Paul Revere," Cinder sang, interrupting his fellows. "Now this is no bum steer, it's from a handicapper that's real sincere."

"I go for Valentine," Grease interjected, waving his paper. "'Cause on the morning line, that guy's got him figured at five to nine."

"I'll make it Epitaph!" Sci-Fi cheered. "He wins it by a half, according to this here in the Telegraph." The three men glared at each other.

"Epitaph~!"

"Valentine~!"

"Paul Revere~!"

"I've got the horse," The three men shouted. "Right here~!" The fugue sounded again, signaling the near start to another race. The three men realized they were running out of time, and ran rampantly to place their bets on the horses. Meanwhile, Splash watched the whole ordeal from the sidelines, and was furious that he wasn't invited to the impromptu musical number that came right the hell out of nowhere.


Player Continue Arcade

"I can't believe none of our horses won…" Cinder moaned, leaning on a wall as he wiped his face in shame.

"Epitaph and Valentine tripped into each other," Sci-Fi listed the incident. "And Paul Revere barely came in fifth…"

"And yet that asshole somehow managed to win a 500,000 to 1 bet." Grease scornfully said, harshly glaring at Splash, who had been carting around a ridiculously bag of money. "I thought you didn't want to bet." Splash immediately stuffed the stack of fifties he'd been counting back into his pocket.

"Well, you guys were taking so long with your bets," Splash explained. "I thought it would be fun. Who knew betting for 'Lucky Day' would be my-." He was immediately interrupted when Cinder covered Splash's mouth with a gloved hand.

"Make so much as one pun and I will burn your house down." Cinder growled. Splash nodded fiercely, and Cinder retracted his hand so the surfer agent could mimic a zipping motion. The horse races had ended over two hours ago, so the agents had decided to move onto their next stop: a local arcade. Player Continue was a fairly dingy little arcade, but was absolutely packed with games and machines all over, the dark walls of the building filled with lights and sounds as children and adults played to their hearts content. The agents had yet to play any games (mostly due to Grease, Sci-Fi, and Cinder's current shit attitudes), but soon decided to get started, dispersing with their tokens and giddy with anticipation to have fun. Splash wandered about for a bit, after winning a few games of ski-ball, and came across Grease, furiously glaring at an arm wrestling machine that portrayed an S-shaped green dragon and a man wearing a red wrestler mask.

"Having trouble, Grease?" Splash asked. Grease spun about, clutching half a roll of tokens tightly in his hands.

"It's this stupid Burninator Arm Wrastler game." Grease exclaimed. "The arm is practically weighted in place, keeps on beating me, and it mocks me every time I lose!" He turned to the game, holding a token betwixt his fingers. "Watch and see." He inserted the coin, the game lighting up in a display of bright red and yellow colors as Grease firmly grasped the arm. A bell rang and Grease began frantically pushing with all his might to move the arm, but to no avail, as in a matter of fifteen seconds, the arm shot down and flipped the crew-cut man down on the ground.

"Loser! You can't handle the strength of the Burninator!" The game cackled in a raspy Hispanic voice. Grease shouted angrily, slamming his fists down on the game.

"See what I mean?!" Grease complained. Splash looked closely at the console, how the arm was built like a lever mixed with a ball-and-socket joint, all veiny and beefy like someone jammed twenty steroids into it. Further examination proved where the real culprit lay in wait.

"The joint on this thing is rusted on one side." Splash noted, pointing to the reddish-brown flakes. "The thing literally is unable to bend in the other direction." He turned to the gaping eyed Agent Grease and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Sorry, but ya just blew money on a dud." The casually acting agent simply strolled away, leaving Grease to wonder why his day was not going his way. Splash eventually came across Sci-Fi holding a plastic bass hooked up to a larger console. "Oh, Bass Champion, love that game." Sci-Fi jumped up in surprise, nearly dropping the guitar.

"Oh, Splash, it's just you." Sci-Fi said. "Just trying to pick a song on this game. I haven't played it in a while, and I don't know which one to-." Splash simply yanked the bass from the goggled man's hands and selected a song at random. "Or that'll work." Splash flashed his co-worker a smile, walking off again as Sci-Fi began fumbling with the controls of the game. Finally, Splash came across Cinder standing in front of a Cafeteria-themed shooting game, aptly named 'Hoagie's Alley', with the fiery haired man examining a gun stylized like a large sandwich.

"If this thing either squirts mustard or shoots pickle slices," Cinder grumbled. "I'm going to throw myself into the Reject Freak Cages."

"Ah, lighten up, hot-head." Splash chuckled, grabbing a sandwich gun himself and inserting a few coins. "It's a kids arcade, just have some fun." Cinder rolled his eyes and slipped a few coins in. A bell rang and a bunch of cutouts of kids holding empty sandwiches shot out. Cinder and Splash immediately began firing (the guns shooting plastic tomato slices, much to Cinder's dismay) at the cutouts and racked up points.

"You're a pretty good shot, Cinder." Splash commented, watching as Cinder scored fifty more points.

"Eh, I know my way around firearms," Cinder off-handedly said. "Just the basics. Kind of a necessity when you work at Mann Co."

"Don't BS me, Cinder." Splash casually said, taking a few more shots. "I may be lazy, but I know my info on everyone." Cinder quirked his head in suspicion. "How do you think I knew you guys would like the Horse Races and the Arcade? I was the first one hired to handle the Project, so I was given special access to information." He spared a glance at Grease, who was still fighting with the arm-wrestling machine. "Agent Grease is ex-military, prone to ignore orders but possessed a brilliant mind. His irrational decisions booted him from the army, and joined HECU shortly around the alleged 'Black Mesa Incident'. He transferred to the Eye after the Administrator learned how good he was with genetics."

"I knew he's former HECU," Cinder said. "Colonel Dyson told me once."

"But I don't think you know anything about Sci-Fi's previous job." Splash said with a smirk, watching as the goggled man struggled with the bass game. "Sci-Fi used to be in the R&D division of Aperture Science, and happened to be on the team that made those turret AI, but was fired when he embezzled thousands of dollars and made off with an experimental program." He tilted his sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. "The same program we use to give the Freaks their powers."

"No fooling?" Cinder said, genuinely impressed. "I knew that thing was stolen, but I didn't know the shmucks at Aperture made it."

"Neither did I when I went through everyone's files." Splash said. "But yours, oh man, yours was interesting." Cinder momentarily felt his blood freeze. "There was a lot of black lines on various parts, namely your place of origin, age, family records, and previous careers. It's like you just appeared out of nowhere." Splash faced his partner as the game drew to an end. "That is, aside from those strange sealed envelopes bearing no marks I found in your desk."

"You what?!" Cinder harshly whispered, his face turning a few shades lighter to match his hair. Splash chuckled for a moment.

"I didn't open then, hot head." Splash said, cooling Cinder's anger. "I respect your privacy not to. Just keep things like that out of prying eyes, and people won't get the wrong idea." The game came to an end, with Splash having the high score. "Well, I'm gonna go and get some snacks, have fun!" As Splash walked off, Cinder bit his finger, realizing how close that was. The rest of the day went by smoothly, with the Agents going out drinking (and getting absolutely plastered in the process) and stumbled home in a drunken stupor. That is, except for one, who returned to the Eye in the Sky and shuffled around his desk, producing a peculiar arm band with the symbol of a smiling while theater mask.

"This better be damn worth it, Mask," Splash coolly said to himself. "I'll get out of your clutches soon."


Author's Notes: Didn't expect THIS, I bet? Well, this was something that initially started off as a bit of a random idea in a random TF2 match between the writers and creatives of the IDA, but it ultimately spiraled into something that we should've done a while ago: Special chapters. These little shorts will range from basic character development, random instances between characters, holiday specials, and more. They will range from being canon to the story or a simple OMAKE. This little ditty between the Agents is canon, and was mostly used as grounds for developing the Agents of the Eye. Hope you enjoyed a bit of silliness, and a little hint at what is to come regarding Splash's apparent identity.

~IDA Official, Head Writer Mask


Editor's Note: The song used in the Horse Races was Fugue for Tinhorns from the musical Guys and Dolls. Little fact for you, it was originally going to be in IDA Ultimate Tournament, in which Dane Vogul, Mister Murphy, and Agent Cinder would all be placing bets on Dog Races, but was ultimately moved here because we couldn't find a suitable moment in Ultimate Tournament to use it. We put it here because we thought it would be funny.

~IDA Official, Editor Calibri