Chapter 2. Loneliness

When I came down the stairs in the morning, Charlie has been already at the kitchen. The dinner table was filled up with rods, fishing tackles and hooks.

'Hey, Dad.'

Charlie was surprised to notice me at the kitchen at that early time.

'Did I wake you? Sorry, dear.'

'No, it wasn't you. Don't worry.'

'It's early, Bells,' he added in a mild voice. The watch was at six and a half. 'Go back to the bed. Sleep a little bit more.'

'It's all right.'

I had nightmares again. Once I was planning to go to the doctor specialized in sleep disturbance, but Forks was too little town for that.

I decided to check If Dad had eaten anything. The kitchen sink was empty. I frowned.

'You haven't had breakfast', I said with disapproval.

'I'm not hungry'.

I had no idea what was that - laziness or banal fear of cooking - but that childishness was very irritating.

'That's a likely story…' I murmured. It was impossible to argue with Charlie. Instead of this I opened the fridge, examined it and turned toward father. 'How about fried eggs?'

Dad's face brightened up.

'Fried eggs are good'.

I shook my head, hiding a smile.

I was making breakfast, Dad continued preparing for fishing. Everyone minded his own business. When we had the moments like that, I didn't feel sorry for staying in Forks. The past with Renee, my somewhat eccentric mother, seemed to be distant, almost unreal, hidden under an opaque solid film. Memory saved just a few moments, but even they were going to vanish in time.

At last Charlie announced that he had packed everything he needed. The rest of the stuff was hidden in the attic. I served the breakfast. We started to eat, and only forks' gritting noise was heard in the kitchen. It became usual for me too. Charlie and I have never been great talkers. I got more resemble with Dad as I got older. We both have been cursed, perhaps. Both failed in love, both stuck in a little town. The only difference was that Charlie had me, and I…

'By the way, I just wanted to say…' Dad broke the silence.

The gritting hasn't been heard anymore. I took an automatic look to Charlie's plate. It was only half empty. I stared at father, frowning. Dad grown timid, noticing my look. He stopped being so enthusiastic.

'I wanted to warn you about something', he spoke in a roundabout way.

'About what?'

'I go fishing with Mark. He's going to pick me up in a few minutes…'

Mark was Charlie's assistant. I have known him for years. I shrugged my shoulders and continued having breakfast.

'So what?'

Charlie sighed, disappointed that I hasn't got anything yet.

'I'm leaving my truck here. There's something wrong with it. I asked Jacob to help me. He promised to come and see what had happened.'

Ouch.

'All right', I went off my food. 'When will he arrive? I planned to go for a walk', I added, justifying myself.

I hoped my planned airing would change their planes. Don't know when I became such a coward.

'He promised to arrive after eleven in the morning. Some problems at a fix-it shop.'

Charlie continued eating.

'In the end, your presence is not necessary. The car is outside, not at the kitchen.'

I nodded. The conversation seemed to be very strange for us. Charlie was too afraid of it.

Everything fell into place, when Dad added, sighing:

'Listen, Bells… If you meet Jacob, promise me to stay polite with him.'

I gave him an offensive look.

'I'm always polite with Jacob Black.'

'You know what I mean'.

I sighed. My past friendship with Jacob was lost. Sometimes I think we'll never be able to revive it. We're only human, not the machines. We can't go back and restart the system from the last successful point.

It's ironic, but Charlie blamed me for that. He believed I had offended Jacob. Twice. First, when chose Edward so soon after moving to Forks. When the Cullens left, something broke inside of me. Jake tried to bring me round, but nothing helped. I proceeded to distance from all of my friends. Then I offended Jake for the second time. I married the first comer, proving that all my sympathy for Jake was just an illusion.

Mark appeared on the threshold. He didn't dare to ring a doorbell, just knocked. Charlie breathed freely and slipped out the table.

'I need to go. We expect the fish biting well today', his voice became cheerful again. 'Have fun'.

'You too'.

Dad turned round and added:

'Your walk. Try not to go far away from the house. I'll worry'.

I'm not a child anymore, but Charlie'll never accept that.

After washing the dishes I had nothing to do in the house. It's time to stretch my legs. I looked out the window and guessed that rain would start in an hour. After spending seven years in Forks, I managed to predict the weather.

Rain hasn't disappointed me at all. I just needed to find my old raincoat, that's all. It's always damp and chilly here. I couldn't cancel my walk because of the weather.

I put the raincoat over the sweater and went to the forest. Fifteen minutes later caught the right rhythm. I went ahead, breathing greedily, watching carefully where I was going.

Once, after Edward's leave, I visited our glade. Its earth was burnt just like the wound I had at the time. I have never come there anymore. Instead of this I usually made a stop earlier, at the place where the sun hasn't seen yet. When my stumps were all pooped out, I arranged myself under a tall fir. I laid an old counterpane, made myself comfortable and started to enjoy the weather.

Here, in the deep forest, air seems to be green. When it's raining, drops patter on stones and leaves, creating a complicated intricate song. I'm trying to remember it, but the song changes all the time, so I have to start again. Smells get stronger, and I start breath easily, despite of moisture abundance.

The forest became my home. It became my protection, the place where I can hide and think about everything. I have learned to love the forest, although it wasn't always like that. Everything has changed now. This world is mine, and I won't let anyone come closer.

There was my main problem, actually.

By eleven the sun was getting closer. I should come home. The walk put me in a good mood. The road back was faster and easier; I have been smiling for the first time since the beginning of the week.

When I turned home, Jake was already here, fiddling with Charlie's car. He noticed me from the distance, but didn't say hello, pretending he was too busy for that.

'Hi, Jake', I said, approaching. My voice sounded friendly. I promised Charlie to be nice.

'Hello', he answered without looking at me.

Old discomfort came back. Shifting my weight from one foot to the other, I didn't know what to say. We needed to start a conversation, but it was hard to find the right topic. Jake and I haven't been friends anymore.

'Is anything serious with the car?' I forced to say.

Jacob stopped working. We exchanged glances. To my surprise, there was no anger in them anymore.

Jake smiled, trying to smooth over the cool reception. Jacob used to be rude with me, but he was hesitating now, unaware what to do.

'I should say not. I'll repair it in few minutes.'

'Great.'

We had nothing to talk about. I couldn't speak about the machine parts – Jake was a real master in that field. He's opened his own repair shop now. Many Forks citizens visited him to get help. If I remembered well, Jake's got a girlfriend, but I can't be sure.

'Well, I'll get into the house. If you need me – go straight to the kitchen.'

I was opening the entrance door, when Jake asked:

'Bella… Can I ask you about something?'

'Yes, of course.'

Jacob's face changed. I have seen it already today. Jake was as uncertain as Charlie. It was the same confusion, the same discomfort. I didn't like it.

'I've heard Charlie's conversation with Billie. Your father said you're getting a divorce. Is that true?'

I could offend on Charlie, but it had no sense. He worried about me, much stronger that I deserved. We haven't used to discuss our problems at home, that's why Dad decided to share them with Billie. Moreover, everybody knew that David and I stopped living together. He came back to Seattle, I stayed at Forks. Our divorce was a solved case.

'Yes. That's true, Jacob. Dave is going to call me in a few days. Papers are just about to be ready.'

Jake nodded.

'Thanks for being frank with me.'

Then he suddenly laughed, confusing me.

'What's up?' I asked. Jake shook his head. At last, he took a glance at me. All mildness gone, leaving only a stranger, not a former friend.

'Why have you marred David so fast if you don't even want him?'

I froze.

'I just can't understand', Jake continued, speaking fast. 'I'm curious, what was that? A youthful rebelliousness? I'm really trying to understand you – and I don't…'

I stood silent. Actually, he appeared to be quite right. I married David soon after my failed search of the Cullen family. But I wasn't going to share it with Jacob. Not with the guy who couldn't decide how to behave with me – being nice or extremely honest.

'Sorry If I offended you,' Jake was frowning, hesitating again. He thought I nursed a grievance.

'It's okay', I was tired of his instability. 'I'll go inside.'

I wasn't offended. I was empty. Yeah, it was really the problem. I sent all my friends away. It's better to hide in my own shell than to speak with people.

Accepting my loneliness, I've learned to enjoy it. I didn't need anyone any more.