-couldn't update because she was dying from the recent chapters-
I do not own Magi.
Enigma
Chapter Twenty:
The Step and the Wave
It took awhile for the nightmares to stop.
Fitful nights were the only nights that Kali knew. Long, treacherous nights and cowering fears of what lingered in the dark and the worlds she would see—the faces, bloody, broken from worlds she had to abandon and leave behind—yes, perhaps that was what she feared the most. Seeing the deep hurt, the betrayal, the sadness and dull lifelessness in eyes she knew so well and remembering that somewhere in another world, they were dying because of her. Because she could do nothing.
Kali spent a long time with Yunan during this period. The magi she'd know from the earliest days of her childhood brought her the second greatest comfort to Camio himself. It took long nights of gentle whispers, soft vines pressed and curled around her, and Yunan's soft voice, the warmth of his magical cottage at the bottom of the Great Rift, to bring her from the broken shell she'd become and softly mend what had been broken.
It was difficult, healing wounds that didn't bleed. Nothing could stop the flashes, the images she would see over and over again as she'd wake up, panting and tears in her eyes and whispers of apologies on her lips because in the end, there really was nothing she could do, was there?
You're weak.
It wasn't until weeks after restless nights pressed against a window that saw into nothing but the darkness of the chasm they dwelled in, Yunan sitting in the corner of the room somewhere nearby with a book in hand and a cup of tea steaming on the table, Camio but the softest of whispers in her mind, did those nightmares begin to fade. They never left, Kali would never expect them too, but they dwindled down, followed behind her like her shadow instead of pressed against her throat, suffocating.
She'd venture out of the room more often instead of laying curled up beneath softened covers. Sit beside Yunan as he read and watch the Rukh flutter so lovingly around him. Gently reach her fingers outwards and watch vines and flowers appear and curl themselves around Yunan's house, laugh the slightest bit as Yunan would comment about how at some point his cottage would be overrun with her plants.
There would be moments where it seemed things were growing worse.
The regression started when Kali was standing beside Yunan, handing him dishes that didn't really need to be washed because he was one of the greatest magicians that lived, but he liked doing them anyway because what would the world be if all we did was rely on magic? Her eyes were warm, the air was warm, everything for a moment felt just a little bit right.
There was a lurch, a shift in the air. Yunan froze and Kali's eyes went wide as she backed away from the counter, her body flickering once. Absolute fear overcame her features as her eyes watered with tears and Yunan quickly turned, reaching for her with wide eyes as Kali lunged toward him. He felt the faintest brush of her fingertips before he grabbed nothing but air and the rapid flutter of Rukh, stumbling forward with nothing to grasp as he whirled around, suddenly left alone in the confines of his own home.
Yunan's mind raced, already understanding that there was nothing he could do in terms of something like this where his magic couldn't reach worlds so far and vast beyond this one. The Rukh around him was fluttering wildly, seemingly unsure of what to do for a moment before whatever had disrupted the flow returned to its universal pace.
The air shifted and suddenly Kali appeared once more, blood dripping from her fingers and the smell of smoke and ash wrapped so tightly around her. Tears pricked her eyes and her knees hit the floor as Yunan rushed toward her, sobs leaving her lips as she shook her head, clutching at her arms. "I don't want this anymore—I don't, I don't—I just want it to stop."
Yunan pulled her close and Kali sobbed like the night she'd first come to him, tired and beaten and ever so broken. She was afraid—a coward. She didn't want to go back. She didn't want to see their faces, make the same mistakes—over and over again.
She didn't want to watch them die anymore.
"We'll figure this out," Yunan promised, holding her close and tucking her beneath his chin and his eyes gazed forward, burning, determined and ever so fearful. "We'll figure this out, Kali. I promise."
Camio's presence quickly wrapped itself around her mind, his soft voice filling her and erasing away all the things she'd just seen in a matter of what had been months in another world and only a minute in this one. "I am here, my king. We are all here."
"We will aid you no matter what."
The power Kali had once loved, had once thrived off of became something she feared. They couldn't stop her disappearances. Her body linked so closely to the Rukh forced her entire being to disappear every so often to a new world so that she would be able to exist within this one. When they attempted to hold the disappearances at bay using magoi manipulation and changing the flow around her, it began to have negative side effects as they soon learned when Kali had been reaching for a flower only to find her hand sliding right past the gentle plant.
If she didn't disappear, she would disappear.
They'd laughed upon the irony of the whole thing, but really, what more could they do? Kali's body for some reason beyond her own comprehension was wound so tightly with the flow of the Rukh around her that should she refuse to disappear, her very existence itself would be lost to the great flow. Day by day she felt as though she were growing insane, hiding herself from the world—from the thousands of worlds clinging to wisps of her. Camio's voice was become a dull noise in the background, Yunan's presence was little to nothing more than a chipping anchor to keep her grounded. Kali spent days and days on end curled up in a bed of vines and flowers, clinging to them so desperately every time her body flickered, threatening to disappear once more.
I don't want to disappear.
Tears dripped silently from her eyes, lost amidst the shifting vines.
I don't want them to die.
Every move she made felt as though she were wasting her time—every breath she took someone out there was dying, every step she took another body fell, in worlds and worlds and worlds beyond where she stood she was doing nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing—
I don't want to do this anymore. Kali gazed quietly back at the shifting reflection in front of her, face blank as she gazed at herself curled up on the floor, hands digging deep into her hair as tears fell freely from her eyes. I'm scared. What can I do? Why are they always dying? Why are they always gone? Is this their fate? Is this mine?
"Why do you keep whining?" Kali asked herself quietly, watching as her curled up form peered up through matted bangs. "You keep saying you can't take it anymore. Then why don't you die?"
I have to save them.
"No one said you have to do anything."
I decided myself to save them.
"They're out there right now, dying."
I know.
"Then why aren't you doing anything?"
"Because," Kali whispered as she shut her eyes. "I can't save them all."
World after world they were dying. Over and over again they were going to die. Every option she tried to take, every choice she made, the outcome was inevitable. It didn't matter how it happened, it would just happen. It didn't matter what she did, someone would die while the other lived.
She couldn't save them all.
"Then what's the point," Kali sobbed, gripping the vines beneath her fingers as the tears fell so wildly down her face, eyes blurring as she cried her heart. "What's the point if I can't save all of them? What's the point if I can't even save a few?"
It didn't matter who it was. In one world it was Aladdin. In another Morgiana fell to the floor in a lifeless heap of rusted chains. In thousands it was Sinbad offering one last smile before he ceased to move in her arms. Ja'far. Sharrkan. Yamraiha. Alibaba. Over and over and over again. Over and over and over and over and over—
"What is life, my king?"
Kali paused, tears dripping from her eyes as she reached a shaky hand upwards, clasping the necklace dangling around her neck and bringing it forward. The feather glinted, a soft, golden hue radiating off the carved edges. "What is life to you, my king?"
"Life?" Kali echoed with a bitter laugh. "At this point I don't know anymore, Cam. I've lived so many—does it even matter anymore?"
"It does." Camio said harshly and Kali froze. "Every life matters. You know this."
"There are thousands—"
"There are thousands and thousands of lives existing right now, in this single moment. People breathing, being born, dying, living—they all exist here, right now, in this moment." Kali paused, listening. "I can't undo what has been done. I cannot take away the things you have seen. I cannot bring the light that once shone so powerfully in your heart back to you. I cannot heal you, but I—"
Camio broke off and Kali waited on a bated breath, hanging off his every word as something was beginning to stir in the far corners of her mind, shifting, breathing.
"Do you curse your destiny, my king?"
No.
Kali blinked, surprise suddenly coloring her features. After everything that she had seen, after everything that she had witnessed, she didn't understand why the Rukh around her ceased to beat, why the Rukh failed to shift into that beautiful midnight black and perhaps grant her peace from this endless mission. She didn't know why she'd answered so surely, she couldn't wrap her head around the sudden feeling that was beginning to bubble in her chest.
I should curse my destiny. Kali gazed down at her hands, remembering the blood that had stained them time after time again. So why...
"Because you are loved."
Warm. A warmth so bright and strong and powerful suddenly enveloped her whole, brushing her hair back past her face as Kali's eyes went wide. The Rukh exploded before her eyes, beating and shining so powerfully before her she felt she'd be blinded by their movement. The feeling of hand after hand brushing over her arm and pushing gently against her back, urging her to stand. Laughter, loud and bright and filled with happiness and joy echoed through one ear and out the other as Kali's eyes grew wider.
Those beautiful green eyes she had seen so many years ago gazed warmly down at her, Camio kneeling before her in all his glory as he stretched a hand out to her.
"Because you are loved, my king." Camio said warmly, fiercely. "Because in every world and in every movement you take you remember somewhere deep down within you, even if you choose to deny it, that you are loved. It is a feeling that you can never escape, one that you can never run from. No matter where you go, you will always be loved."
By them.
Their bodies began to brush past her, smiling and grinning and ruffling her hair. Each and every one of her friends, from world after world after the next continued to file on past like an endless clockwork, meeting her eyes with glowing smiles and endless laughter.
"Let's go on an adventure."
The smell of the sea and the promise of a life she could never imagine brushed past her, fleeting but not out of her grasp. Those beautiful golden eyes, time and time again shifting from countless emotions, focused on her, always her.
"Kali."
A touch so warm it burned her. Calloused hands, a warm breath by her ear. Lives alongside someone she never would have imagined, warm and full of color and fire.
By her.
There was the softest touch of fingers upon her cheek, a voice so achingly and wonderfully familiar flooding her senses as tears filled Kali's eyes. She didn't know why, she couldn't put her finger on it, but her heart hurt more than she could have ever imagined. And yet... Kali's hand reached upwards and gripped her chest, eyes fluttering shut.
I feel so warm.
"By me," Camio said softly, a finger reaching upwards and brushing against her wet cheek as Kali gazed at him with wide eyes, like the eyes of the child she once was when she'd first stumbled upon him.
"In every single one of those worlds, they lived," Camio murmured. "They laughed, they cried, they made mistakes. It does not matter what their destiny was in those many worlds, it matters only now, here and in this moment, what your destiny is."
"My destiny," Kali breathed, as though the words had long been forgotten.
"It is not to lay here and rot," Camio said. "Nor is it to torture yourself life after life, again and again to remind yourself of your mistakes and the things you failed to accomplish. If anything," a small smile touched his lips. "I believe you already know what your real destiny is."
And all of a sudden, a vicious, beautiful flurry of color and light burst forth before her eyes.
Memories. Thousands and thousands of memories flooded her senses. Different lives she had lived, the memories of her original timeline, the memories of all the different Kali's that had ever existed. Memories of laughter and painfully bright smiles, memories of tears and bloodied hands, forgotten and remembered promises, painful mistakes and hard earned victories. She saw it all in one vivid, fluid flow that shifted and curled around her, bending, curving, but never breaking. Each and every one of these people existed. Each and every one of these lives lived and they did whatever they could to live it to the fullest. These thousands of worlds were not second chances to try and get everything right in the one world that mattered—they all mattered. They all existed, lived, and deserved to be respected.
"They did not just die at the cause of your own hands," Camio whispered warmly. "They died because they lived."
Kali was growing tired of all the tears.
Droplets rolled down her cheeks and fell to the floor below her as she ground her teeth together, finger nails digging tight into her palms as she shut her eyes and her shoulder shook. How could I have been such a fool?
"You are not god, Kali," Kali's eyes turned upwards and Camio regarded her with so much love and adoration she felt as though her heart would burst. "You are you and no one else."
You are entitled to live your life the way you see it fit.
"How did you manage to show me all of this?" Kali whispered, eyes wide with wonder and disbelief at the thousands of beating wings fluttering around them.
"It helps that you currently reside beside a magi," Camio mused. He brought a hand upwards, gazing quietly down into his palm before he added. "There are a great deal of things I have witness I wish for you to never see, my king. But if allowing you to witness even a fraction of it will help you along your journey, then I will do whatever is necessary."
Kali suddenly realized amidst the tears and the feelings of self-loathing she had spent all her time on, there was so much about the man standing before her that she had yet to understand and realize. Kali blinked once, looking once more at Camio with newfound respect and wonder, her heart swelling.
"Who are you, Cam?"
Camio's eyes flickered, impossibly warm as he leaned forward so that his body, so much larger than her own, gently casted a shadow over her.
"Someone who has loved you before you even knew who you were."
A laugh—sharp, breezy, filled with nothing but happiness and light suddenly broke through between them. Camio watched, bemused as Kali reached upwards and wiped the tears pricking the corners of her eyes, giggling as she shook her head. "That doesn't help me at all, you know."
"I was aware," the beautiful world of light and Rukh shifted around them, blending and curving until Kali found herself standing once more in one of Yunan's rooms, vines receding as the feather resting in her hand glowed ever so brightly. "I can only do so much to help guide you on what I believe is the right path. The steps you take are yours and yours alone."
Camio could never know what the meaning to all these mysterious things were. He could never know the outcome of his words, whether they would be good or bad. Camio, old as he was, made mistakes and was doing his best to make sure that he could do everything he could for the person beside him, the person he loved with all his heart and all his being from the moment she'd been born.
After all. Camio's eyes drifted shut and he pressed a hand to his heart. It is the least I can do for you.
Kali shut her eyes, breathing in and breathing out. The world around her quieted. The Rukh fluttered past with soft chirps and gentle whispers. She let the memories burn fresh in her mind, flashing over and over again on repeat until she gently set them aside, never to be forgotten, always to be remembered.
"You already know what your destiny is."
Gray eyes, endless and bright opened up to the world before her, anew. Thousands of ideas and memories ran fresh in her mind—she would never forget, not a single one. She would take all the memories and the lives they had entrusted her with and bring them along with her for as long as she existed, using what they had given to her to make the right choices and end this vicious cycle of loss.
"I'm proud of you."
Kali paused, an unfamiliar voice singing higher above the rest. She turned slightly, gazing at empty space as her mind shifted, understanding there was no one else besides Yunan in this home and wondering why she'd heard that eerily nostalgic voice so high above the rest. There was a breath of air beside her ear, warm, and for a moment Kali was filled with the sudden urge to cry.
Kali's eyes hardened and she gripped her necklace tight in her hands, whirling around as all her vessels seemed to hum loudly in her ears, vivid and bright and alive.
"Yunan!"
She heard a startled cry, the clattering of pots and pans on the floor before Yunan suddenly appeared in a wild burst of green and gold before her, pushing his hat upwards as he gazed at her with wide eyes. "...Kali? Are you..."
A wild grin tore across her lips and her eyes shone fiercely, Yunan's eyes growing wide with disbelief and amazement as Kali strode forward. "I need your help with something—think you're up to it?"
A moment, brief. Yunan's eyes grew wonderfully warm and he smiled, using his staff to push his hat upwards. "I will do my best."
Welcome back.
Kali reached upwards and let the necklace wind itself back around her neck, reaching further upwards and gathering her hair together. She pulled the strands together and a vine reached upwards, binding them together in a thick pony tail as her feathered piece dangled from a single braid.
"Then let's get started."
For the first time in what seemed as though an eternity.
Kali stepped forward.
A thousand voices suddenly seemed to chorus beside her, thousands of familiar faces of all her friends and the people she'd encountered through all the journeys in hundreds and thousands of worlds beyond her.
"We're with you."
SHORT. CHAPTER IS INCREDIBLY SHORT BUT NECESSARY.
With this, Kali's three thousand word chapter of depression and finding herself again is over! :D
I really have absolutely no idea where to begin. I'm slapping myself because the chapter before this that was updated AGES ago basically said everything I wanted to say but I ended up letting it happen again without any word because for a long time I couldn't bring myself to go back onto this website until I had myself and my life figured out.
My life isn't really figured out yet either but hell you know what, I'm definitely doing things different this time and I'm not going to let life stop me from doing the one thing I absolutely know I love and adore.
Writing.
Especially writing for all you wonderful and amazing people. You guys don't even know how many tears have touched my eyes over and over again from your kind reviews and your messages prompting and urging me to keep going no matter what. Not just that, but the fact that all of you are willing to stick around for so long and hope for the best is absolutely incredible, and I really really don't deserve any of you guys.
AND CAN YOU ALL PLEASE GIVE YOURSELVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE. ENGIMA HAS FINALLY REACHED OVER A THOUSAND WORDS. HOLY SHIT. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAS FINALLY HAPPENED, YOU'RE ALL TOO AMAZING I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN. AHSDKHDESHLGTFNGR
I'm super super super sorry for this chapter being so short compared to the usual lengths but I really wanted to get this out to you guys as fast as possible and this felt like a nice little bit of closure to get the plot and the story moving along again. I hope it was still enjoyable and I hope Kali didn't cry too much. :,) I'm sure there's definitely plenty of questions to the new things introduced into this chapter, secrets which will be revealed in due time.
SPEAKING OF QUESTIONS IM REALLY SORRY BUT I TOTALLY LOST TRACK OF ALL THE ASK KALI QUESTIONS SO THE SEGMENT WILL CONTINUE ON A LATER CHAPTER AND YOU GUYS CAN ASK TO YOUR HEARTS CONTENT.
And please, please talk to me and share your feelings about the recent manga updates. PLEASE. I NEED TO KNOW IF PEOPLE ARE FEELING THE SAME WAY I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW AND DYING ON THE INSIDE.
It's also a little funny because the ending for this story was nearly complete and then the manga happened and I had to quietly rip the piece of paper to shreds and hit the drawing board again.
And boy have I got ideas for you guys ;)
ONCE MORE. Thank you eternally for all your love, patience, and support. I could never have made it this far without you guys, and I hope you all enjoyed this short but important chapter and are looking forward to the next!
I promise since I've been gone so long, the next chapter is going to be insanely long so be prepared! It's already halfway done ;)
Marshmellow-
-OUT!
