Chapter 10. Strangers

The nurse arrived in time when I almost lost my hope to get out of this nightmare. She sedated me, and my panic attack started to fade, releasing me from a wordless mental pain. I began to breathe again. The air tasted sweet, almost strange.

The pain was replaced by a feeling of total emptiness. It wasn't new for me. I have been familiar with the emptiness for a very long time. It occupied the place in my chest, where my heart was supposed to be. It was frozen there, and even my blood seemed to be cold. My head was heavy; my thoughts were too difficult to digest them.

Charlie looked worried. I could read clear, bright fear inside of his eyes.

'Are you okay?' he asked again and again. I was nodding. It was supposed to irritate me, but it wasn't. I felt nothing. I wished I could fall asleep and save my father from worries, but my sleep had gone with the pain.

Renee's arrival hasn't saved the situation. Mom was bustling, showing her extra concern. It was too hard to concentrate my attention on her questions.

'I'm all right', I answered automatically. My voice sounded weak. 'You shouldn't worry about it so much.'

The haze in my head began to fade at the end of the day. My first clear thought was the realizing how tired and exhausted my parents were. I was ashamed to see that. It was my fault. Renee and Charlie weren't young anymore. I needed to take care of them. I had to, even if I was a patient now.

At last, I persuaded Mom to go to a hotel and get some rest. At first Renee was hesitating, but she gave up later. In my opinion, she gave up too fast. I couldn't remember the time when she was so pliable. We have had too many conflicts for the last few years.

I must have looked too awful, that's why Renee compromised.

Mom promised to return to the hospital in the early morning. Silence filled the room. I felt relief.

Dad announced he had to leave too. He needed to solve some problems at work before he could return to Seattle and take care of me. Charlie felt guilty about that. He had no desire to leave me alone.

'Sorry, Bells. 'I'll do my best to come back as soon as possible'.

'Don't worry', I learned these words by heart and repeated them without any feeling. 'Mom will look after me'.

My answer didn't make Charlie feel better. He frowned. Dad has never considered Mom as a reliable person.

He sighed, defeated. Charlie had no choice.

'I'll bring your books for you', he promised. 'You can read them when you start feeling better. I hope it'll cheer you up'.

If my numbness lasted, it wouldn't help. I wasn't sure I could read a line. Charlie seemed to know it too, but he felt too awkward to admit it. Dad didn't know how to show his care openly. Poor Charlie.

'Sure. Be careful', I said.

'Always am', Charlie hesitated, and then said: 'Love you, Bells'.

I had another reason to send my parents away. Found the ability to think again, I remembered my last nightmare, or, properly speaking, its worst part. Edward was going to visit me. It was inevitable. I knew he would appear here at night, when Carlisle's shift started. And I also knew I wouldn't be able to avoid it.

That was so weird. I have been dreaming of our meeting for so many years, imagining every detail, repeating unsaid words, but now, when it was going to happen, I didn't feel anything. All my feelings were blocked.

I closed my eyes, trying to slumber, when I heard:

'Bella?'

A low velvet voice broke the silence.

I forgot how his voice has sounded. Seven years has passed. My memory wasn't as perfect as I imagined. My heart started pounding. The blood's dance was loud and sharp.

That emotion was too complicated. What if that was just an illusion?

I opened my eyes. Edward was here, standing near the door, waiting for the invitation to come in.

Just like a vampire from old fairytales.

'I'm sorry. Did I wake you?' he asked in a mild tone. A smile appeared on his face. My heart missed a beat.

Another emotion that was too difficult to survive. I froze, watching him. My thoughts left my head again. It was impossible. He couldn't be here… he couldn't…

'May I come in?' Edward asked again. Of course, he knew I wasn't sleeping. He read the sound of my heart.

I was silent. The pause appeared to be too long, even for me. Edward frowned. Finally, he made up his mind to make a step closer.

'How are you feeling?' he asked, pretending to check my heart rate.

Another accurate step. The step of a hunter who was chasing his victim. I kept watching him, unwittingly noticing how elegant he was. I forgot that too.

I shook my head, trying to pull myself together.

'You didn't say 'hi', actually'.

Edward smiled.

'Hi'.

Another pause.

'Are you sure you're okay?' he asked again, concerned now.

'I'm in a hospital', I answered. My throat was dry. 'I think there's no sense in asking questions about my heath.'

To my surprise my voice sounded calm. But I wasn't going to be polite. Edward didn't seem to get that. He chuckled.

'Well, I'm not surprised. You're a magnet for accidents.'

'Some things don't change', I whispered. He frowned again.

I was afraid to lose sight of him. My tension was obvious. Just like the lightning flashing in the dark sky. He couldn't but notice it.

In spite of that, Edward set down in the chair beside my bed. Not too close, so I could keep watching him. His moves were careful, checked, too accurate. I felt the first wave of irritation.

The trap was set.

I made a deep breath. The air lost its taste again. I realized how poor my memory was. My recollections of Edward were dim, just like old photographs. The reality was too bright, almost painful for my human eyes.

Edward still was perfectly beautiful. His features and marble pale skin made him look more like a statue than a living person. Edward was dazzling with his beauty. He looked young, just like I had remembered him, but I could see it differently today.

Edward froze; he would always be young, while I turned into a shadow that couldn't let go her past regrets. I felt anger. The fury was boiling inside of my veins.

'You look great', I said sarcastically.

Edward smiled. His smile was dazzling, too strong, and I realized that it was his first true emotion. Edward was… happy?

You're not good for me, Bella.

'Seven years. It's not too much', he shrugged.

Oh, really? A new portion of anger woke up inside of me.

'Just seven years. It's really nothing for you'.

Edward was examining me too. I was wondering what he was thinking about. I wasn't that Bella that he had known. Not anymore. He must have disappointed in new me.

'You've changed', he said.

I shivered. Could Edward read my mind now? I wasn't prepared for that.

'But you're still so beautiful. And your smell…' Edward closed his eyes, becoming a statue again. He inhaled deeply as if he was a gourmet who tasted a new sort of wine.

'…it's still haunts me'.

No. My mind was still closed for him. If Edward read my anger, he would delete his perfect smile from his face. He was still lighthearted. It annoyed me even more.

'So, do you live in Seattle, then?' I asked. The silence irritated me too.

'Not exactly', Edward answered evasively. 'Our family… discussed it a lot,' he frowned, recalling something unpleasant, 'and we made a decision to stay in Seattle for a while'.

Of course. The Cullens must have a house in every town.

'Where have you lived, then?' My voice trembled this time.

Where have you been while I have died every day, waiting for you?

'I travelled a lot, lived here and there', Edward's voice became serious in a second, 'but never for more than a year in one place.'

'Really? Where have you travelled?' I kept asking. I didn't know why I needed to know the answer, but I couldn't stop myself from asking new questions.

'New Zealand, India', Edward shrugged. 'There are lots of places in the world with a rainy climate'.

'Sounds like the best vacation in your life', I said. At least it sounded like that. Edward lived his own life, enjoying his freedom, when I have got stuck in a little town with no perspectives and no future.

Great. I made a deep breath again, trying to calm down. My heart was still bouncing, almost jumping out from my chest. I wasn't anxious anymore. I was angry.

I looked at Edward again. He seemed to be ideal for me in the past. He was a wonderful prince from a fairytale who became real. He looked like that now. Edward was still beautiful, and it drove me crazy. His perfection, his patience, his youth irritated me. It was painful to look at him. My past dreams appeared to be rotten. A bright candy wrapper, empty inside.

Edward finally realized that something was wrong. He frowned.

'It's not the case, Bella. You misunderstood me.'

'How should I understand it, then?'

He was just a spoiled child, nothing more.

He looked me in the eyes. I started to irritate him too. Edward's eyes turned into burning fire.

'I left because I wanted to stay away from you', he started to explain.

I won't come back.

'What a wonderful explanation…'

'I wished you could have your own life', he interrupted me. Edward's speech became so fast that it was difficult to catch it. 'I wished you wouldn't be in danger anymore. I didn't want you to be afraid, so you could live the life that you deserved. You deserved to be happy, Bella. Without me.'

I gulped my sobs back.

'Edward…'

It was painful to pronounce his name, but it didn't matter anymore. I was angry and had no desire to hide it. It was unnecessary. All these feelings revived me. I felt alive for the first time after so many years. I woke up.

'Look at me. Am I looking like a happy person?'

Edward glanced at my bandages. He sighed.

'It's not exactly what I had meant…'

'But it's exactly what I mean!' I shouted. I didn't pretend anymore. 'How could you decide that I would be happy without you?'

'I let you have a choice!' he shouted back. He was angry too. Edward finally became himself now. A monster. He didn't pretend.

I shook my head.

'You didn't leave me any choice! You just drowned in self-pity. You didn't think about me at all. Do you want to know how have I lived all these years? I was rotting in Forks where you had left me. Do you think it looks like a true concern? You didn't have any right to decide anything for me!'

He stared at me, breathing heavily. Edward couldn't recognize me. I didn't feel sorry for that. His Bella died. I was completely different.

'Life is much more complicated than anyone's expectations', I added quietly. 'You can't live you life according to an established plan… Sometimes nothing works, your life turns into a real nightmare, and there is no place where you can hide from it.'

I dropped my eyes, pretending to examine my bandages. Instead of this I could see my life flashing before my eyes. Empty and endless days. Constant Raining and cold, the gray-green light. Shifts at Newton's. An old kitchen in Charlie's house.

'Here's the meaning of life. You grown up when realize that you can't run from your problems. You'll have to live with them… But you probably won't understand me. You don't know what's like – to be the real grown up.'

Edward clenched his teeth together. I hurt him, definitely.

He jumped to his feet. I looked up.

'Who made you like that?' he asked. Edward made a deep breath, then another one, trying to find patience. I wasn't able to read his mind, but I saw uncertainness and disapproval in his eyes. Edward was staring at me – and couldn't find that Bella that he used to know.

I laughed bitterly. I knew the answer.

'You,' I said, 'you made me like that'.

Do you see what've you done?

Yes. He made me like that. The answer was pure and simple. Edward made me change, taught me how to be tough, how to fence myself off from my old life. I was lost. All what I knew was how to hurt people. Hurt Renee. And Charlie. Hurt Jacob, because I offended him. Hurt Dave, because I broke his heart. I didn't know anything else. Edward taught me how to be cruel.

'I think I chose the wrong time to visit', he muttered.

I've disappointed him. I wasn't the only one who woke up. He woke up too. Everything became clearer now. We turned into strangers again, the strangers who hated each other. Our love started from hate. Probably, we shouldn't have started it at all…

'That's right. You shouldn't come back', I answered.

It will be as if I'd never existed.

I saw pain in Edward's eyes. He left the room, running. His speed was too fast for a human; his motions were blurred, hardly visible. Edward could go if he wanted. Hide again in his shell. I didn't care if somebody would notice him or start to suspect something strange. I didn't care if he would have troubles.

The silence filled the room again. I looked away and finally started to cry.


Dear readers! The previous chapter was updated a few days ago. Nothing serious – I just wanted to correct the mistakes that I had found. I'm really sorry for that. I'm trying my very best, but I'm not a native speaker, and, unfortunately, can make some stupid mistakes from time to time. If anybody can recommend me a beta reader here who can help me with this, I'll be very, very grateful. Thanks for your attention, for reading the story and all your reviews!