Chapter 13. Accepting mistakes
It had been raining at night, and the trees were shining. I could see cold water drops glittering on the leaves. Thousands of little diamonds, fragile, but so beautiful, they couldn't but fascinate me.
I was sitting on my window, breathing greedily. When I was human, I didn't have time to enjoy the nature. No one could blame me for that. I was a teenager, I was seventeen, I was dreaming about becoming a war hero. I didn't have time to notice anything except my big dreams and desires.
When I became a vampire, I've got plenty of free time. I learned to enjoy the forest, learned its habits, started to notice little beauty in everything. The forest became my home, and I was examining the trees now, hoping it would calm me down.
It was impossible to hide the news from my family. When I came home after my conversation with Bella, they had known everything. Sometimes I hated the moments like that, and I hated that moment now. I had no privacy, no chance to hide from the other thoughts. Tired of constant pitiful looks, I escaped to the forest, running as fast as could. I wished I would be tired. I wished it would help me. It didn't. After a few hours of running I returned to my room, closed the door and turned on my stereo system. The music was complicated, very loud. That was my way to show everyone that I didn't need any companionship. I didn't need their pity. I didn't want to see anybody.
I was blaming myself for all what had happened. How could I be so stupid? I wasn't able to deal with my own emotions. When I saw Bella, I was out of my mind. She was alive. She was real… I didn't know what I was doing.
I needed to be more careful, I know. I had to listen to my heart, even if it was silent. I should have controlled myself, but I behaved like a fool.
Who made you like this?
You.
Did I lose her forever? It seemed so. There was no turning back. It was only my fault. Mental pain returned, filling every cell of my dead frozen body. I wished I could die of shame. This life was too difficult for me to endure. I was hiding in my room, waiting for retribution.
At first my parents, brothers and sisters tried to talk to me, but that idea was pointless. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Of course, loud music couldn't hide their thoughts from me, but I pretended not to notice them. I wanted to get lost in my sorrow.
To my surprise something has changed soon. A sudden Carlisle's conversation with Bella was spontaneous, but it ended on a high note. It showed everyone a new way to follow. I read hope inside of everyone's mind. Weird, but the family even started to think in the same way. My parents, brothers and sisters made a decision to charm Bella again, gain her trust, try to solve any possible problem. That idea cheered them up. They started to make plans, hoping for a good future.
Alice saw a new vision with Esme visiting Bella. Sister was upset about it, much more that she was showing. Alice still considered Bella as a good friend. I shook my head, reading that thought inside of her mind. Alice was wrong. She was a stranger for Bella too.
Despite that, Emmet was having fun again. Nothing could let him down.
'I'm going to visit Bella too', he was joking. 'I have always been her favourite'.
'Very funny, Emmet', Rose mumbled. She was the only person who didn't drive me crazy with her thoughts. She was thinking about speaking to me, but she hasn't found the right moment yet.
Emmet looked at her, his smile wide.
'Don't even try to beg me. I'm not going to take you with me!'
Alice was overenthusiastic. Parents tried to warn her about possible problems, but my little sister didn't listen to anyone. She wasn't just eager to see Bella after so much time. Alice was tired. The distant future was still uncertain. It was killing her. Alice's thoughts were numerous and complicated; she was thinking about everything and nothing. Sometimes Alice did it trying to distract me. Was she going to do that now? I didn't know, but her plans weren't clear.
All what I knew was that Alice was going to do everything trying to change the future, no matter how. In the end sister proved herself as a real manipulator. She even managed to make Bella return to Forks. Our future became clearer. But… at what cost?
Esme thought that Alice was too rude.
'What were you thinking about? We need to restart our relationship with Bella. How can we do this if you're telling her the ugly truth?'
Alice couldn't predict such kind of reaction. She seemed being offended too.
'I've got everything we needed!' Alice protested. 'We don't have to stay in Seattle anymore. Our problem is solved. Moreover, no one will try to kill Bella', she glanced at Jasper and Rosalie. 'The things will go in the right way when we return to Forks'.
'How can you know?' asked Mom.
Good question, actually. Alice hasn't spoken about the vision that was showing that. What if she… overdid her job? I looked into sister mind, trying to find something special. Alice wouldn't be so confident without any reason. What was she hiding?
I was deep in thought, searching for the information in Alice's mind, when a quiet knock awaked me. I found a new radio wave, a new mind to read.
Rosalie. The proper moment was found, and my sister decided to use it.
May I come in? she thought, staying on the threshold and waiting for my answer.
I pretended not to notice her question.
Rose sighed and stepped in.
'I just wanted to talk', she said aloud. So stubborn, Rose added in her thoughts, irritated.
Rosalie glanced at my stereo. She hated it. How can he listen to the same album again and again?
Rose was imagining herself smashing the stereo to smithereens.
'Don't even dare', I mumbled.
'Sorry. I didn't really mean it', Rose smiled bitterly. I grinned. She actually meant it. 'I just turn it down, okay?'
I didn't answer again. Rose switched off the stereo and stepped closer. After some hesitation, Rose preferred to stay on her feet. Sister squeezed my shoulder. I shivered, but didn't shake it off.
I came here to apologize, she thought. It was much easier for Rose to speak that way. I wanted to say sorry for my words about killing Bella. It was stupid.
I sighed.
Of course, I remember how difficult it was for you – to stay away from her. I know that my decision will ruin the family', it was difficult for Rose to admit it. 'Weird, but Bella unites us all, Rose imagined herself smiling, even if we have conflicts.
'Esme is right. Alice should have been more prudent', said I. Rose laughed.
It's your fault. You knew what she was planning. You're the only person Alice would listen. Bella is your toy, first of all.
Did she want to judge me? I have done that part of the job already.
Rose looked confused. Sister was searching for the right words again.
'I wanted to say something else…' she added.
I looked at her. Rose sighed.
'You can't always hide here, inside of your shell, Edward. It's childish. I don't understand why you are wasting your time', she confessed.
Rose and I have never spoken about something personal. I felt uncomfortable.
'You've lost seven years already', Rose hasn't noticed the moment when she started speaking aloud. 'Do something!'
Her compassion was touching, but useless.
'It's pointless. She doesn't want to see me', I said in a bitter voice. Perhaps, there came a time to accept the truth.
To my surprise sister laughed.
'You're so stupid, Edward!' her laugh was high, melodic, catchy. 'It didn't matter what Bella had said. Remember Shakespeare*…'
I rolled my eyes.
'I'm glad that you compare my life with Shakespeare tragedies,' I grimaced, 'but it doesn't matter. It's over.'
I seemed to start irritating Rose. Sister made a deep breath. Her long earrings trembled.
'Why do you think so? You'll never know until you try. You're a spoiled child, Edward. And you're using Carlisle and Esme who are too delicate to tell you the truth. Everything is complicated, but it's not too late. It's never too late, until Bella's heart is beating'.
Rose paused.
'If I were you I would find out everything about Bella's husband. He can give you much more information that you think'.
'How can you know that?' I asked. 'You have never been an expert in human behavior'.
Rose smiled again, bitterly this time.
'I know everything about broken hearts', she murmured. We both remembered about Rose's tragic human life. I felt awkward. Rose wasn't my favourite, but I didn't mean to hurt her.
The door opened again. Rose and I noticed Alice who entered the room and closed the door accurately, without making any noise. Alice froze, watching the nearest future. She was checking if the corridor would be empty soon…
'What are you doing here?' I asked, puzzled.
Alice's face was full of sorrow.
'Hiding from Esme', she explained. 'She is mad at me because I has offended Bella. Or, to be correct, that's what she thinks about that', Alice added.
'Esme has never been mad at anyone', I said. It was true. Mom was the soul of our family.
'Well, she is now', Alice grimaced. Esme was our conscience too. In sister's vision Esme was waiting for her near the wardrobe. 'Esme is very upset. She even thinks to ask Carlisle to cut my clothes budget.'
'What a tragedy, Alice', Rose and I both chuckled. Shakespeare would be surprised…
Alice stared at me.
'I can ask Rose to crash your stereo system. Let's see what you're gonna do then'.
I rolled my eyes.
'I think I should go downstairs', said Rose. You need to talk to Alice too, she added to me. Our eyes met.
'Good idea', answered Alice. She pretended not to notice our mental conversation. 'Emmet has been thinking about repairing your car by himself… probably, you won't like it'.
When Rose left, Alice made a few confident steps forward and sat beside me, her legs dangling. She started to examine the forest too. For a few minutes we have been sitting in silence.
'Do you think I was too annoying?' she finally asked.
I sighed. Alice read my answer as 'yes'.
'Damn, I thought I had predicted everything! Old Bella would never take offence for too long.'
'She's not our Bella anymore. You just forgot about that'.
She grimaced.
'Bella became rude too. She shouldn't have spoken with you like that'.
'I really appreciate your care about me, but it was unnecessary', I said quietly. 'I deserved this'.
That was weird. We both loved Bella so much. And we had no idea how to behave toward her now.
'We both are idiots', I said.
'You're an idiot', Alice corrected me. 'I'm just following your path'.
I laughed.
'I know. I hurried', Alice added. 'But the future was so promising. It was worthy to try!'
I looked at her. What was she talking about?
Alice just realized what she had said. Sister glanced at me and looked away.
Damn, she was hiding something!
'What did you see?' I demanded. My voice was trembling.
'I can show you that, bit it's not the vision, only memory now…' Alice said, giving up.
The picture was very unclear. At first I couldn't understand anything. Finally I recognized the place in sister's vision. It was the meadow, our meadow with Bella. I could see myself sitting on the green grass. Looking hard, I noticed that I wasn't alone there. Bella sat beside me. She was… smiling?
How could it be possible? It was changing everything. That's why Alice hurried. She was trying to shorten my way to a perfect future.
'Why didn't you want to show it to me?' I asked, puzzled.
'It's obvious, Edward. You're such a drama queen. Don't look for Bella's future', she imitated my voice. 'Let Bella live her own life. The two of you are really made for each other. You and Bella can do everything trying to destroy your lives by yourself.'
'Do you think it's possible?'
I still couldn't believe it. The vision was so blurred…
Alice shrugged.
'I don't know. Maybe it will come true, maybe it won't. I won't see it clearly until you start doing something'.
I sighed. Probably my sisters were right. I have never been optimistic, but... that vision was so beautiful. I wished I could have that moment in reality.
'Esme and I will go to the hospital tomorrow', Alice continued. 'You could join us and see all what you need through our eyes. Moreover, you will have a chance to learn more about Bella's husband. He would be there too.'
I started to worry. I wasn't sure I could compete with Bella's husband. She chose him. When we met, David hasn't noticed me at all, confusing me with a teenager, with a kid. I didn't like it. I needed to look more mature.
I needed to ask Alice's help. She saw a new vision before I pronounced my question. She smiled.
'Good idea, finally! I'll be happy to change your style. Moreover, it'll help me to become reconciled with Esme. She will forgive me if I start helping you.'
We got up.
'I hope we can make that vision possible', Alice promised, serious again. 'I love Bella too. And I want old Bella back. I missed her so much…'
But we couldn't return our Bella. There came a time to accept all mistakes. To start a new chapter of our lives. All what we could do now was to learn more about new Bella.
I sighed and made a first step to the future.
* Take no repulse, whatever she doth say; For 'get you gone,' she doth not mean 'away.' (W. Shakespeare)
