Chapter 14. Wuthering Heights
Time flied. Last seven years were slow; the time was so weak that, being numbness, I almost forgot about it. Now it was making up leeway. My hospital room was full of visitors. Their faces, human and deadly white, replaced each other at enormous speed. I felt giddy, just like after a ride on the merry-go-round.
The Cullens kept trying to make my life easier. Carlisle was accurate and polite. He charmed my parents again. Due to the doctor's advice, they stopped sitting beside me all the time. That was good. I was very grateful for that. Esme's visit softened me up too. When we first met, I compared her with a beautiful perfect Snow White. To my surprise she still looked like a princess from my child dreams. Esme's kindness seemed to be real. Moreover, she had a conversation with Mom. I had no idea what they had been talking about, but Renee looked relieved after that.
Alice came back in the early morning, soon after breakfast. She looked disappointed.
'Good morning, Bella. Are you awake?' Alice said politely, her face full of pain. 'I need to talk to you'.
I was surprised. What happened? Usual Alice, my Alice wouldn't be so tactful. She would start speaking fast and make me play the role of her toy. But she was different today. Alice froze near the door, turning around as if somebody was listening to her.
'What happened?' I asked, aloud this time. Alice was gulping back her sobs. My heart sank. She looked so unhappy that I wanted to comfort her.
'I came here to apologize', she sighed. Another quick glance to the corridor. Alice was shifting from one foot to the other. 'I was too rude to you, I'm afraid'.
It wasn't my Alice.
'Somebody made you do that. Am I right?' I guessed.
She sighed again.
'Yes', Alice made a first step to my side, her look still serious. 'Am I so predictable?' she complained.
I grinned.
'No. But it's not you. That's… weird', I said honestly.
She smiled, but her smile was tired, forced.
'Too many changes in a very short time, right?'
I didn't want to be angry with her anymore. I was empty, and I didn't want to fill that emptiness with hate or pain. In the end, it was so childish - keep bearing a grudge.
'Sort of. Are you reading my mind?' I joked.
She didn't like it. Alice sat on the bed.
'Tell me, Bella. Are you mad at me?' she looked me in the eyes. I had to obey. Alice's eyes were deep and dark. 'Do you want me to leave? I'm so tired of this uncertainty! Say what you want, but just stop being mad at me!'
Poor Alice. She was unhappy. Alice was rubbing her temples, trying to calm dawn. Interesting, how was that – to suffer from constant visions? It must feel like you have a headache all the time, day after day. You don't belong to yourself anymore.
'I'm not mad at you', I said. 'I… I don't want to. I'm tired of this too, Alice. You can be awful, but you're not my enemy.'
Alice's face softened.
'Do you forgive me?' she asked. I hid a smile.
'I have no choice, I'm afraid'.
She started to clap her hands. I laughed. Alice turned into a child again.
'Bella forgives me, Bella forgives me,' she was singing. Alice hugged me so tight that I wasn't able to breath. 'Thank you, Bella. I needed to hear these words', her speech returned to her usual speed. 'Esme is so angry with me. She made me return to you and apologize'.
'I thought your sorry was real'.
'It was', she protested immediately, looking at me again. 'I wasn't trying to dazzle you at all! Esme forbid me to manipulate you. Her requirements were very clear'.
I shook my head.
'Now I can see my Alice again'.
'Sad that I can't say the same', she whispered. Alice looked so fragile now. 'I'm sorry, Bella. I wish I could return the time that we had lost.'
I sighed. I was in such a good mood. I didn't want to go back to black again…
'Let's stop speaking about it, okay?' I asked. My voice broke. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to speak. I was staring at Alice, hoping that she would read my face.
We were close to reach the point of reunion. I could have my best friend again. I could have my Alice. I could be myself. A sudden joy filled my body, filled my big open hole in my chest. I began changing too. It wasn't as difficult as I thought. It could be pleasant. I just forgot about that.
'Bella?'
How much time have I spent thinking about my conversation with Alice? I looked up and saw David. He has visited me already, but his visit was short. Dave hesitated near the door. Dave's worry was clear, more obvious than Alice's behavior. Dave didn't pretend.
I smiled at him. It reminded me of good days with David. I was really glad to see him, even if the situation was a bit awkward.
Dave smiled back, happy too. A familiar glitter appeared inside of his eyes.
'Come in', I said, encouraging him. The necessity to comfort Dave drove me crazy in the past, but I didn't want to think about it either.
'I thought I'd never be able to talk to you. You're so busy. Just like Queen, or something like that'.
His simple joke made me smile. Dave sat on the corner of my bed.
'Who are all these people, by the way? Your parents seem to know them,' he asked, frowning. The perfect easiness vanished from Dave's face. I didn't like it. He seemed hiding something. That question wasn't so simple. I knew everything about Dave.
'It's the Cullen family', I explained. The mentioning of their last name didn't hurt me anymore. It was a good change too. 'They lived in Forks. Carlisle is one of my doctors now. And I went to school with his kids.'
I bet my lip, unaware what else I could say about the Cullens. Dave frowned again. His expression made him look much elder than David actually was. I was wondering what he has stared to guess. Did he know how much I've been hiding from him?
I sighed. My cheeks turned red. A true evidence of my shame.
Easiness vanished into thin air.
Dave tried to change the subject.
'It must be so irritating for you', he said after some pause. 'So much attention. So many people.'
'Yes. It confuses me', I liked the idea of speaking about something else.
He nodded and smiled again. I felt relieved. That was the guy I always liked. The guy I married. My Dave. He didn't ask too many questions. I wasn't sure that Dave could understand everything what was happening inside of my head. He definitely knew nothing about my soul. But Dave knew how to deal with it.
It reminded me of something. Something I almost forgot. Something written in a book, something old. I turned my head to the bedside table. Charlie fulfilled his promise. A few paperback books lied on it.
I read its names quickly and soon found what I wanted. Wuthering Heights. Of course. Dave was my Linton, my loyal, calm, simple Linton. And Cathy stole his soul...
My heart missed a beat.
'I've heard you will return to Forks. Is it true?'
A new question revived me from my thoughts. I looked at Dave.
'Yes', I said in a weak voice. The image of Linton was flashing before my eyes.
'What are your doctors saying? Isn't it dangerous?' Dave seemed not to notice my anxiety.
Calm down, said I in my thoughts. You need to be normal, remember?
'They let me come home next week, but the process of healing hasn't finished yet,' I explained.
I didn't say anything about the Cullens' return too. I was coward, I know.
Dave looked down, pretending to examine my blanket.
'Everything has changed so fast', he pronounced quickly. 'I didn't expect that. I thought we would have more time'.
He was thinking about time too. Everyone seemed thinking about that. Seconds, minutes and hours that composed our lives.
'Time for what?' I was surprised how my voice began to sound. It changed its color in a second. My voice sounded confident, a bit rough.
Dave still pretended to examine the thin boring blanket.
'Nothing. Never mind. Forget about that'.
He was backing away. I felt a sudden anger, strong and powerful. I forgot why Dave had irritated me in the past. My Linton was happy to please me, but his concern was so annoying sometimes. I looked at Dave again, remembering. Alice was trying to warn me about something when she has visited me for the first time…
A gold ring glittered on the light. I felt sick.
'Hmm… Can I ask about something?'
David looked up, ready to help with anything. His look made me feel even worse. When we met, I was tired of being strong, and Dave really helped me. But he always needed encouragement, needed to have something in exchange. I was too selfish for that. My poor Linton. I wished he could meet someone really strong one day…
'Did you send the documents to the court? The ones I signed before the accident?'
Technically, we still were married.
Dave didn't say anything.
'Did you send the documents, David?' I asked again.
I turned into monster. I was Cathy. The girl who was breaking hearts.
Dave looked me in the eyes. His pain was simple, sharp, like an open wound.
'I didn't. I was planning to do it, but then you got into accident, and I thought…' he stammered. 'I thought that, probably, I shouldn't hurry. It could be a good sign, you know…'
Dave shrugged. His voice was quiet. He was hiding his eyes again.
The desire of losing my temper was so sweet. I looked at Dave again. He was so hopeless. I sighed. The came a time for me to grow up too. I needed to be strong with Dave. Cut it out. Draw the final line.
'You need to send them, David', I answered, making my voice sound softer. 'Okay?'
Our eyes met. Finally, David nodded.
'Well, can I, at least, phone you sometimes?' he asked before leaving. Dave was pretending to look confident, but it didn't work. I nodded.
We both knew that we lied to each other. Last promises have a bitter taste.
The nurse sedated me in the late evening. My dream was heavy. I couldn't recognize anything in the haze that surrounded me. I was searching for something again, but the road was too vague.
I woke up, feeling someone's stare at me. My heart was pounding.
I examined the room. I was alone. It was just a dream…
I shook my head, trying to wake up.
I looked around again and then noticed something strange. I had a feeling that my books had been removed.
A new day has started. As was planned, Esme, Alice and I came to the hospital. Everybody had his own work to do. Esme wanted to talk to Renee. Her kindness and sincere care could be very helpful. Moreover, Mom wanted to keep an eye on Alice. She didn't trust her although they had become reconciled in the evening.
'I'm not a child anymore', Alice was complaining, while we were driving to the medical center. 'It's not fair!'
'I'll be listening', Esme warned her. 'Please, pull yourself together'.
Alice grimaced.
I had my own plans too. Alice predicted that Bella's husband, Dave, would be here today. Her vision was quite clear. David seemed to plan that visit for a very long time. Our conversation could be really helpful. I could see the moment of Dave and Bella's meeting and separation. I could see the moments that I had missed. I could finally solve the puzzle.
But Mom and Alice had to play their parts first. Dave hasn't arrived to the center yet. I stayed in the car, watching my mother and sister leave.
The hall was overcrowded. It was difficult to get used to that. We preferred to live in small towns, and such kind of places looked weird for us. I concentrated, catching familiar mental voices inside of my head. I needed to be attentive. I also had to read what people were thinking of us. My family members were risking their lives. I needed to repay that debt.
What a lovely girl! an old lady thought when Alice helped her walk down the stairs. I sighed. I knew what my little sister was doing. Alice was trying to impress Esme.
In contrast to visitors, the hospital staff wasn't surprised to see Alice and Mom at all.
The Cullens again, someone thought, half irritated. I frowned, looking deeply into the nurse's thoughts. She managed to learn our last name, but she didn't like us. I was searching for the reason for it. It could be useful. Perhaps, we needed to be more careful…
They're so good looking and accurate all the time. How are they doing this? she continued. The nurse didn't say hi, pretending not to notice the guests at all.
I breathed out. It was an ordinary jealousy, nothing else. But, probably, I needed to warn Carlisle about it. Just in case. Jealousy can be dangerous when it falls into wrong hands.
I remembered the nurse's name and focused on my family again. Esme and Alice have already divided. My sister was going to speak with Bella, while Esme went to the cafeteria, following Renee's smell. Being a vampire was very useful sometimes.
Renee was alone, sitting on the plastic chair, stirring sugar in her coffee. Esme breathed in. The coffee was cold.
'Hi, Renee!' she said, making her voice sound milder. 'May I take a seat?'
Renee shivered. She shook her head, looked up and finally noticed Mom. A smile appeared on her tired face.
'Esme! Of course. I'll be glad'.
Esme looked at her side of the table. She felt a late sorry that she hadn't ordered anything. It would look strange. After some hesitation that lasted less that a second Mon decided that the situation wasn't so bad. Esme could say that she first came to greet Renee and simply forgot about the food. It sounded like a typical human mistake.
'Where's Charlie?' asked Mom. She didn't like Renee's expression.
'Oh, I replaced him. He looked so tired. I hope Charlie'll feel better when they return to Forks. '
Esme nodded.
'I'm sorry that you have to return to Forks too', Renee added. 'Carlisle told me about it', she explained.
Esme smiled. She had different kinds of smile. That one meant: 'you shouldn't worry about anything'.
'It's okay. We all love Bella. Her recovery is all what we need to think about'.
'Yeah…' Renee pronounced. Her face changed. It was turning red. She was trying to make a deep breath, but seemed not to feel the air. Esme and were confused. What was happening? Was Renee feeling bad?
No, not like that. Esme was going to help Renee when Bella's mother burst into tears.
'I'm such a bad mother!' she cried.
Esme touched her hand. Renee didn't feel any discomfort.
'Don't say that! You're an excellent mother! Bella loves you so much!'
Renee grimaced. She was searching for the napkin. Esme noticed that and gave it immediately.
'Well, I don't know', Renee's voice was quite. 'She is so close to Charlie now. They understand each other without any word. We've never had that.'
'Bella is very like Charlie,' Esme said. It was pointless not to admit that, 'but you shouldn't think about it like this. Bella spends all of her time with Charlie. That's why they became closer to each other'.
Renee shook her head. Her hands were shaking.
'I feel sorry for sending Bella to Forks. She thinks that she has made her own choice, but we all know the truth', Renee's cheeks were crimson. 'I should have done something, should have stopped her. And Bella is so unhappy now. That's my fault'.
Renee looked awful. She was hiding much more than was trying to show. Her pain was colorful, strong, like child's pain. When you're grown up, you get used to the pain. But if you're not, everything hurts just like for the first time. That kind of pain leaves burns.
I knew what Renee was talking about. Sometimes I was thinking about it too. It would be much better for Bella not to go to Forks. She could stay at Arisona and leave a happy life, taking care of her strange mother and making phone calls to Charlie at Christmas.
'Bella's young. She still has time to change everything', Esme was comforting her. 'Trust me. I know what I'm talking about'.
Of course, Esme did. She started a new life when Carlisle found her.
'I don't know. I'm not sure about that. I'm trying to be optimistic, of course… But Bella's repeating Charlie's lonely life. She is stuck there, in that cold and green. And I don't understand her anymore. What is Bella thinking about? And that marriage… Sometimes I think that she did it in order to spite me. It's my fault too.'
'You shouldn't blame yourself for everything', said Esme. Her heart was full of pain. 'Bella's your child, but she's grown up now. It's her time to make mistakes. Don't worry. She still has time to rebuild her life.'
Renee nodded.
These words were circling inside of my head until the moment when I found Dave in a waiting room. I was nervous, feeling like I wasn't prepared for this. Everybody felt such a strong pain, such a bright regret. I was going to listen it again.
Now I regretted having the ability to read minds.
'Excuse me… Do you mind if I join you?'
I stood in front of him, waiting for the answer.
Dave was thinking about Bella. He wanted to visit her, but the doctors were examining her at the moment. Dave had to wait.
'No problem', he said quietly, without looking at me.
Dave's hands were full of calluses and old scars. He smelled of wood. The puzzle was almost solved. He was a workman. Probably, a carpenter. Not very popular choice. A family business, I guessed.
'I'm Edward Cullen', I've decided to introduce myself. 'We're already met. Do you remember me?'
He glanced at me finally. A recognition appeared on Dave's face. He nodded.
'You know Charlie', he said.
'I know Bella, actually', I corrected him, smiling. I definitely wasn't Charlie's friend. 'We studied at school together'.
Dave looked at me again. I didn't look like a teenager anymore. My new look confused people now. I still looked young, but they had to take me seriously. Perhaps, I should thank my sister for that.
'I'm sorry… You look so young', he said, frowning. 'Bella has never told me about you'.
Of course, she hasn't.
Cullen, Dave was thinking, trying to remember my name. He didn't like that Bella hid something from him. A mixture of anxiety and discomfort appeared inside of his head.
'Are you Bella's husband?' I asked. Dave wasn't a big talker. Bella must have considered it to be an advantage.
Dave glanced at his ring.
'Yes. No... Not exactly', he answered. It was difficult for him to explain everything. I was patient, waiting for the answer. 'We are in the process of divorce.'
'I'm sorry to hear that'.
Actually, I didn't.
David sighed.
'She was driving home from my house that night, you know', he said quietly. 'Hurried to sign the papers. I promised to send them to the court the next day, on Monday'.
But he didn't, I guessed again. Probably, I shouldn't pronounce in aloud.
'I think it's my fault', Dave added. 'I should have stopped her. Persuade to come home later.'
I recalled the moment when I found out about Bella's accident. I felt blame. And Dave felt blame too. He really cared about her. Another advantage, but I had it too. Drawn game.
'The weather was too bad. You shouldn't blame yourself for that'.
I realized the difference between us. I was ready to move on. He didn't.
'When did you meet?' I asked, coming back to my list of questions.
Dave looked relieved. He smiled. The feeling of nostalgia was one of his favourite hobbies. I saw it inside of his mind. What a melodramatic guy… well, nobody could win with that.
Dave was thinking about his first conversation with Bella.
'We met a few years ago. I finished my work and went to a café not far away from my house…'
I saw a dark room. Uncomfortable chairs. The smell of biscuits and coffee. The murmur of visitors.
'I looked around, and then noticed the girl who took the place in the corner of the café. She was alone. The place was overcrowded at that time; I didn't know where to sit, so I've decided to try my luck…'
How banal. The meeting at a snack bar.
Bella looked deadly tired. When the guy came closer, he realized that Bella was reading something. Or she was pretending to read. He was too polite to stare and find out the truth.
What was she reading? I was surprised that he still didn't care. That detail seemed unimportant to him. He was so delicate. I kept thinking about that when Dave recalled another moment. He asked some question. Bella shivered, noticing the guy at last, and closed the book as if she was too ashamed to show it.
I recognized Bella's old edition of 'Wuthering Heights'. Paperback, few pages detached, but she hasn't brought a new one. I always hated that book. I could never understand main characters, Heathcliff especially. Everybody liked him. But he was a monster…
Dave kept telling me about their first meeting. I was watching his memories. It's like watching the movies, but you also can see the veil of different feelings. It makes the picture more colorful.
Dave took his place, examining the new girl. He had got the idea that she had some secret; Bella was hiding something that he couldn't reach. I shook my head. Unable to read Bella's mind, I felt exactly the same…
Dave began asking questions. Very simple ones. Ordinary. He wanted to cheer the girl up. At the same time David worried that he could ask something wrong and hurt her. Dave hesitated before every question. At first Bella wasn't interested in chatting, but long pauses seemed to remind her of something. The conversation was awkward, and it reminded me of something too. But what?
And then I remembered. Wuthering Heights again. She was Cathy, an unexpected guest in Linton's house. And he was Linton, very polite, accurate, happy to please. Yes, it was him. And she was Cathy, who broke his heart.
I clenched my teeth. I knew what character I was playing in that story.
'I wished I could make her smile. And her eyes… they were empty. Bella didn't care about anything. I was afraid of it. I didn't want to see that again.'
There was something that Dave hasn't said aloud. He really liked her. In Dave's opinion, Bella was different. Not like the girls he knew. David thought that their meeting was a good sign. He was very superstitious.
'It's silly, I know', Dave said after a long pause. 'I should let her go. But when I see Bella looking so defenseless, so fragile, I still think that we still have time. And I start hesitating... I know it's bad, but I can't change it'.
He was honest with me. It's always like that. It's easier to be frank with the person you'll never meet again.
I started being impatient. Bella must be so irritated by him. It's not an advantage for Dave, definitely. It was his weak point.
The nurse arrived soon, announcing that Bella was ready to see her visitor. Dave left. I was sitting in the waiting room, listening to his conversation with Bella. My point of view seemed to come true. Everything was clear now. Dave hasn't had a chance to know Bella. She didn't let him.
All what I needed to do was to be confident. To be strong. I didn't have time for self-pitying. I didn't have time for offense or regret. I didn't want to be Heathcliff who lost his Cathy.
The nurse sedated Bella when all her visitors had gone. Unnoticed, I went to her room and started to watch her sleep. I couldn't stop doing that. It was so catchy. The tradition I always liked.
I've noticed the pile of books on Bella's bedside table. A curiosity, strong and confident, woke up somewhere inside of me. I wasn't able to read Bella's mind, but I could try to guess what she was thinking when she met Dave.
It wasn't difficult to find the right book. The tattered one. I held out my hand. The book opened in the middle. I caught a sheet of paper folded in two.
To my surprise it was the copy of the document, the note from the hospital journal. Its name sounded familiar, but I haven't recognized it at first. Then I found Carlisle's handwriting, accurate and clear.
I froze. I was shocked to find my name there too. My old name, my human name. Edward Anthony Mason. I finally realized that I was reading the analog of a death certificate. That's why the name of the hospital was familiar to me. I was its patient almost a century ago.
I looked at Bella. It has changed everything. Her words meant nothing. She has been searching for me…
'You're such a liar…' I murmured.
Bella shivered. I looked at her again, measuring her pulse. Bella's dream was going to its end. She was waking up.
Bella shouldn't find me here. Not now. Still shocked and confused, I put the book on the table and left the room. My running was fast, almost invisible. I didn't have time to check if everything was left on its place.
I was quite sure that I would return here to secure Bella's dream at night.
