Chapter 21 A question
I was fussing around, unable to calm down. I was a vampire, and I got out of the habit of getting worried, but I couldn't stop my anxiety now.
It didn't take much time for me to clear up the table. I was standing near the glass wall, staring at the place where Esme and Bella were walking. I wasn't supposed to go with them. My sisters considered that to be a bad idea.
"Esme is going to talk to Bella about her husband. You'll spoil everything if you go with them," Rosalie said, warning me.
I had to admit that her words made sense. I shouldn't have been involved with that. It wasn't my business… but it was business, right?
I went to the piano. I wasn't in a good mood for playing, so I was just staring at keys, thinking about some imaginary melody I could play some day.
An easy wind blew, and Alice appeared at the room. She paused a little, watching the future, and then joined me, sitting on the bench beside me. I could feel light touch of her small shoulder.
"You're sad," she noticed, watching my expression.
I chuckled.
"Really?" I asked sarcastically.
"You need to pull yourself together, Edward. Esme needs to speak with Bella. Privately. It's decided," she noticed.
Yes. It was decided. Before planning the dinner, we had another long conversation about that.
"Are you sure it's polite to make Bella introduce Dave to Tanya?" Esme asked when Carlisle and I returned home and all family members began the discussion. After hearing the news, Carlisle wasn't as optimistic as Alice and me. Like Esme, Dad wasn't thinking only about Tanya. He was thinking about Bella's feelings too.
"We have to speak with her anyway," Alice was confident. The future in her mind was clear like Esme's favourite tableware. She didn't hesitate and didn't feel any discomfort.
"But the situation still looks uncomfortable," Carlisle noticed in a polite tone. He agreed with Esme. "Of course, we all wish Tanya the best, but we need to think about Bella too. Dave is a very important part of her personal life."
Personal life. I was going to wrinkle my nose, thinking about that. I didn't have to be jealous, but the only thought of Bella kissing that guy was driving me crazy. And she wasn't only kissing him…
I sighed, unable to deal with jealousy. Rose gave me a quick glance, but didn't say anything.
"We need to talk to Bella," Alice kept repeating the same words. "It's going to be impolite if we plan everything behind her back."
"Well, it's going to be funny anyway," Emmet noticed, grinning. Only try to imagine what a wonderful conversation it's going to be. "Don't worry about your ex, Bella. We have just found a new girlfriend for him. By the way, could you introduce them to each other?"
"Emmet!" Rose cried, punching him slightly in his back.
"What?" he laughed. "It's your idea!"
"Are you sure that their meeting is really going to happen?" Jasper asked, looking Alice in the eye.
"Of course, I'm!" my little sister rolled her eyes. "It's inevitable. That's why we need to tell Bella about that. It's going to happen anyway."
"So, maybe, we shouldn't get involved with that?" Carlisle suggested. "We tell Bella the news, but we won't ask her for anything else."
Alice looked skeptical.
"If I saw Tanya and Dave meeting each other without our help, I wouldn't start this conversation. We have to help them. Love takes time, you know."
I frowned.
"What do you mean?"
Alice sighed and rolled her eyes again.
"I mean that love at first sight itsn't their story. Just like yours, Edward. Don't you remember your first impression of Bella?"
I still didn't get what Alice meant. My love for Bella was unconditional. It was difficult for me to imagine my life without her…
Rose's quiet chuckle woke me up.
"You don't remember, do you?" she whispered.
Confused by Rose's chuckle, I concentrated again, making my memory move backward. A half second later which tasted like eternity I recalled Bella's first day at school. I knew her name and her appearance before I actually saw her. Bella was a local star, and every boy was trying to get her attention…
.. and then I remembered that I didn't find her interesting. At least, I didn't consider Bella to be special while watching her image in strangers' heads.
How could it be possible?
Another conversation, the conversation my family had after I saved Bella's life, came to my mind.
"Alice sees him falling for a human! How classically Edward!"
It wasn't love at first sight. My love for Bella grown day after day, it was inevitable, but it wasn't an immediate feeling. Damn it. My family was right.
"It's unfair," I mumbled.
"Well, you just weren't as lucky as us, loser,' Emmet chuckled again. Unlike me, his story with Rosalie looked like love at first sight.
Rose gave him a dirty look.
Funny, but Emmet was right there too. Everyone, except for me, experienced that feeling. Carlisle was an ideal of a man for Esme when she met him in her human life. Carlisle saw something in her too, something more than usual compassion, although he didn't understand it at that time. The same thing happened to Rosalie. She couldn't explain why she decided to save Emmet's life, but she did it. After meeting Rose, Emmet mistook her for a beautiful angel. He would fall for her anyway. Alice and Jasper… well, it was predictable. Literally.
I shook my head. Would I fall in love with Bella if her smell wasn't so attractive to me?
"What are we going to do, then?" I asked, looking at Alice. My mind was exhausted. I was ready to give up.
"If Alice is right, and our interference is needed…" Carlisle began saying.
Of course, I'm right! Alice cried in her mind.
"… we must help Tanya, then. She's the part of our family. We need to help her have a chance to be happy."
"But we need to speak with Bella about it too. We can't make her help us, but we need to tell her about it. It will be honest," Esme added.
…Bella and Mom were having a conversation now, alone, hidden in the forest's shadow. It didn't mean than we didn't hear them, but it gave Esme and Bella some privacy… or the illusion of privacy.
"Esme is getting closer to the main part of the conversation," I noticed, listening to their voices carefully.
"Yeah, I know," Alice said absent-mindedly.
She was scanning the future, and I looked in her mind automatically, watching it too. I was too curious, and I couldn't let myself waiting. How would Bella react to that news?
Alice sighed.
"Her answer remains unclear. It seems like… she won't say "yes"".
"But she won't say "no" either," I noticed, watching her last vision. "It's not an easy question. Bella needs some time to think."
"She'll be upset," Alice added with another sigh.
I signed too. Bella would be disappointed, and it's totally my fault. It's my fault…
"I'm going to spend a night in her bedroom today," I said, mostly, to myself. "I need to fix it somehow."
You won't be there, I heard in Alice's mind. Her new vision showed a closed window in Bella's room. Bella wouldn't want to see me.
My frozen heart was bleeding. Damn it. I wasn't supposed to feel pain…
"Do you think I'm making a mistake?" I asked, blurting out the question that frightened me the most. "I want to be with Bella. But what if... what if it's not enough? What if she needs something I can't give to her?"
Alice thought about it for a while. In the end, she was my best friend. We both were freaks; we had to support each other for decades. I truly considered her as my sister although we weren't actually related.
Well, I don't think I should worry about it, she thought finally. The words in Alice's mind sounded confident.
"Why?"
Of course, you can't give her everything than human boyfriend can give to her, she answered. You are frozen in time, and you will always look like a teenager. And you two can't start a normal family that humans actually have, Alice continued. But it seems that Bella isn't interested in that. She had been married already. She had a chance to start a new life with Dave, but she didn't want it. So don't worry about it. Maybe, you are exactly what Bella wants.
Her words made me think about it too. Alice was right. I hadn't seen Bella for seven years, but I gave her an opportunity to start her life anew. I suddenly imagined her, cooking in her own house, with a small kid playing beside her…Rose would pay everything for that normal, ordinary, boring life, but Bella didn't want it. I'd never thought about the fact that Bella didn't want it.
I made a huge mistake when I left Bella. I was making decision for both of us instead of listening to Bella's opinion about her future. She was ready to sacrifice her human life for the chance to stay with me. Bella was ready to get immortality, she wasn't afraid to become a monster, and I didn't appreciate it…
A sudden idea came to my mind. Probably, I still had a real chance to win Bella's attention. Perhaps, I still had something to offer…
My future began to change. Alice frowned, watching a new blurred vision. She froze.
"Well, that's unexpected," she murmured at last. "Are you sure you are going to speak with her about that?"
My conversation with Esme appeared to be… stressful. Anxiety and nervousness influenced my answer.
I didn't say yes, but didn't say no either. To be frank, I was so confused that I couldn't say anything.
Esme accepted my answer with understanding.
"You can think about it as long as you want," she noticed. "It's only a question, after all."
Esme suggested driving me home. While leaving the Cullen's house, I felt Edward's stare on me. I wasn't sure that I wanted to see him at night, so, after returning home I closed the window in my bedroom. I really needed some time to think.
Why did I feel so disappointed? I had no answer. I shouldn't have felt so bad… but I did. It felt like I was the only single friend surrounded my happy married couples. I felt desperately lonely.
I knew it was silly. There was no point in feeling that way, but I did. I felt so unhappy. On the other hand, I still wished Dave the best. He deserved to be happy, and I knew I had no feelings for him now. It wasn't jealousy, but… I didn't know how to fulfill Esme's request.
In the end, I decided that it was too much. I was grateful that the Cullens warned me about it... but I didn't want to participate in that business anymore.
I was lying in my bed, unable to sleep, my head full of heavy thoughts. When it started getting brighter outside, and first rays of light colored the air in a new shade, I fell into uneasy sleep.
I opened the window in the late morning. I felt awful. A short sleep didn't help me at all, and my whole body seemed to belong to a stranger I had never known.
A hot shower let me to relax a little. I spent some time, examining my face in an old mirror. It was partly cracked and covered with old stains, impossible to wash away. My pale tired face wasn't perfect too. I was getting older, and now, examining myself, I felt sudden grief and despair.
What I was going to do with my whole life?
When I returned to my bedroom, Edward had been already there, waiting for me and sitting in my old rocking chair.
"You already know what I've decided, right?" I asked without saying hi.
I stepped closer and sat on the edge of the bed, facing him. Edward smiled softly.
"Yes. Alice saw it."
I sighed.
"I'm sorry, but I really don't know how to do it … it's too awkward," I confessed.
Edward nodded.
"I understand," he said quietly.
He looked away, avoiding my glance, and I frowned, realizing that something was wrong. Edward turned into a statue again. A frozen figure from an old and dusty museum.
"Edward, what's wrong?" I asked, anxious again.
He frowned, thinking about something. Did Edward look… disappointed?
And then he looked me in the eye, throwing off the mask he was wearing. I saw a grimace of pain painted on his marble face.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Yes, of course."
Edward paused a little. After some hesitation, he asked:
"Do you still love him?"
Jealousy. That's what was haunting him. I didn't even try to hide a smile. In the end, I had experienced something similar too…
"No, I don't think so," I confessed. It was embarrassing– to speak about Dave with Edward - but I felt that I needed to finish this conversation. "I'll be okay, but I'm not sure I really want participate in all of this."
Edward nodded, digesting my words.
I examined his face. It was weird and funny at the same time to see Edward being jealous, but it also reminded me that he still had feelings for me. Since we were trying to become friends again, Edward didn't show his feelings openly as if he was afraid to scare me away. Poor Edward. Was I torturing him too?
Edward sighed again, and then smiled, dazzling me. He was too close, and I felt that my heartbeat was rising. I forgot about that…
"So…" he started, changing the subject. "What are we going to do today?"
Speaking of happy couples. I didn't have time to visit Angela, although Carlisle had already sent her home with her newborn daughter.
"It would be nice to see Angela," I said, recalling her kind friendly face. My friend was so nice to me, even if I didn't deserve it. "But I need to buy something for her child. I'll be impolite to visit her without a gift."
A ringing phone interrupted me. Edward chuckled.
"I guess I know who wants to help us with that."
It was Alice, of course.
"She says she can arrive here in fifteen minutes," Edward said after listening to her endless monologue. "What do you think?"
I smiled.
"Doesn't she see what I'm going to answer?"
Edward laughed, and I admired him involuntarily.
Alice's shiny car parked in front of the porch less than sixteen minutes later. She was in a very good mood.
"It's so great that you had got an idea of visiting Port-Angeles!" she cried in her melodic voice. "I have been planning a shopping trip for a very long time!"
Of course, we needed to go to Port-Angeles if we wanted to find a nice present for Angela's baby, but I knew I wasn't going to play Alice's crazy games.
"Don't dream big," I warned her immediately. "The present must be modest or Angela will never accept it… And I'm not going to buy anything else today."
I ran out of money, actually, but I wasn't going to tell Alice about it. She shrugged.
"Well, you're grown up now. It's your decision," she suddenly answered, surprising me again.
What was she up to?
Edward laughed, listening to sister's words.
"Alice wants to tell you that she doesn't consider herself to be a grown-up person," he explained her joke to me.
Alice's melodic laugh echoed in the car.
"Everyone knows that, stupid. I'm a spoiled child."
Edward shook his head.
I was watching them arguing, laughing and talking, and feeling something strange growing inside of my heart. I realized that I got used to the Cullens again, got used to their presence too quickly, and, possibly, it wasn't good at all. What would I do if they changed their mind and vanished into thin air tomorrow?
Our shopping tour was short, but very productive. I found a nice bright yellow coat for Angela's baby, comfortable and warm enough for Forks's rainy weather. My gift was going to be practical, and I thought that Angela would like it.
Alice chose presents for Angela's daughter too.
"I think that's too much," I said honestly, staring at a pile of toys in her tray. "Do you think Angela will really accept it?"
Alice froze, watching the future.
"She'll be too shocked," she answered confidently after a pause. "I'm going to use it as an advantage."
I shook my head. Alice never changed.
While we were shopping, Edward left us, visiting the bookstore. I felt jealous of him going there; I wished I could buy something too. Unfortunately, I really lacked money, so I was persuading myself that I really didn't need anything. New books could wait.
To my surprise Edward offered me a few paperback books when we returned to the car.
"I thought you'd like to read something new," he said, smiling. "The books you had in the hospital were horrible."
I glanced at Alice. Did she know?
She laughed, but shook her head.
"It wasn't me! I swear."
I touched books' covers. Their smell must have been perfect…
"Thanks," I said quietly.
Edward smiled again, and he looked so happy that I smiled back. I was unable to resist his charm.
Again.
I was looking out of the window, catching fast blurred green forest shapes. I was exhausted after shopping and didn't notice one important change that happened in the car. Alice became quiet, and that was unusual for her. Edward didn't say a word too, and only his fast glances at me though the rear-view mirror reminded me of his presence.
I frowned, listening to that creepy silence. Did I miss anything?
"Is everything okay?" I asked when that silence turned into eternity.
Alice had seen something new, definitely. That's why the Cullens became so quiet again.
I expected her to give me an answer, but Edward said softly:
"Everything's fine, Bella. There's nothing to worry about."
"Yeah," Alice added, her voice sounded normal. "I actually see that the weather is getting better now... How's about having a little walk?"
"Sounds great," said Edward before I managed to answer her. He turned to my side. "How's about visiting our glade, Bella? Just you and me. The weather will be perfect."
Oh, that's what Alice had seen in her vision. She saw me and Edward having a walk together.
"Okay," I answered. In the end, what else could I answer?
We drove ahead a little, and then Edward suggested to continue our walk by foot. Alice promised to drive my purchases to Charlie's house directly.
"I'll take care about everything, Bella," she said before driving away. "I can cook for Charlie, if you'll be late."
I furrowed my brow, but didn't say anything.
There was something weird about it, but Alice was right – the weather was getting better. The air was wet and cold in the morning, but the sun appeared at the sky now, and all dampness was fading away. I smiled, looking up and letting the light touch my cheeks. I hadn't seen the real sun in years…
"You look beautiful," Edward suddenly murmured.
I turned my stare to him, and he smiled his best crooked smile I always liked. The green forest surrounded us. We were making lazy short steps ahead. I blushed. I still hadn't learned to receive compliments.
"Actually, I asked you to take a walk with me for a reason," Edward continued. "I wanted to speak with you privately."
I stumbled, recalling half-forgotten words.
Come for a walk with me. New moon. That's how that conversation started, the conversation that divided my life into two different parts. I looked around, realizing that all was repeating again. Edward and I were going to have a private chat in the woods.
All color vanished from my pale cheeks.
"Are you all right?" Edward asked, his voice sounded worried. He must have thought that I hurt my leg when I stumbled.
"It's okay," I said automatically. I didn't want to show him my anxiety. I learned to hide my true feelings. "What did you want to speak about?"
Edward's cold voice appeared inside of my head, the voice from the past, the voice from my nightmares.
Bella, we're leaving.
Edward took a deep breath. After getting closer, he took my hands carefully as if he was trying to warm them. We stopped, but my heart galloped, reflecting my confusion and panic.
He was too close, much closer than he allowed himself to step. I felt Edward's perfect smell that always dazzled me. I looked down, blushing again, because if I looked at his face, it would confuse me immediately.
I wanted to keep my head clear. At least, I wanted to try.
"I had a lot to think about," Edward said. "And, first of all, I want to apologize."
I gave up and looked him in the eye. Edward's eyes turned into flame, dangerous and wild. I was bewitched.
"Apologize for what?" I mumbled. I must have looked so miserable.
Edward smiled, and his smile was full of sadness now. He stretched out his hand and touched my cheek gently.
"I want to apologize for leaving," he whispered, and I realized that he was thinking about our past too. We always returned to the past. "I made a huge mistake, Bella. I though that it was for your own good… I thought that time would heal everything. I'm sorry. I didn't give you a chance to make your own decision."
I didn't know what to say. I was empty. I had been angry for so many years… and I didn't know what to do now. While waiting for Edward and grieving, I wished I could tell him all that had hurt me. I wished I could return this pain to Edward.
And I didn't know how to do this now.
Edward kept patting my cheek. He looked sad - his eyes showed his true age and true feelings. I was dazzled by him but I could also say that his sorry was real.
"I love you, Bella," Edward whispered again, teasing and confusing me even more. "And I'm so proud of you being so strong and brave. You survived here without me, and you tried to live your own life... I would never be able to do that."
I smiled nervously.
"I'm not that brave. And I don't think I really managed to live without you. I've lost seven years, Edward. I'm grown up now…"
My heart was squeezing with pain, but I needed to say it.
"I'm a grown up with broken dreams," I confessed.
Edward shook his head.
"I messed everything up, Bella."
Edward made another step closer, and I was lost in him. It was so difficult for me to think clear. He was too close. He was too close…
While I was too dazzled to understand what was going on, Edward pulled my face up to his and kissed me. I felt soft touch of his lips… They should have been cold, right? Oh God, I forgot everything…
He wasn't as careful as I remembered him to be. Edward froze for a second, waiting for my reaction, and, after making sure that I had nothing against it, he continued the kiss. My heart was betraying me again, and, thankfully, that was something I still remembered. My pulse quickened, and I felt how the heat was filling every cell of my body. My fingers knotted in his hair. I forgot how to breathe, and all my feelings sharpened. I forgot about that too. Dave never kissed me like that.
"Bella…"
I looked into his eyes, whose gold turned into boiling lava.
"I love you, Bella," Edward said, "and I can help you repair your broken dreams."
It was too difficult for me to understand what Edward was talking about.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
Edward was scanning my face.
"I was too selfish, Bella…" he paused a little, and then said with a new smile: "But I'm starting to change now…"
I still didn't get it.
"I can make you a vampire. I can change you, if you still want it," Edward finally explained. "I'm offering you to share an eternal life with me, Bella."
I froze, unable to say a word.
Writer's note: sorry if you see some mistakes in this chapter, but I've already read it so many times that I can't find anything now...
