The the Morrow, For the Past
Chapter 4 – Learn Him -
At three months old, Zack had come a long way. He was smiling at people, turning his head towards voices, making sounds that almost resembled words, he even giggled at times. He could sit up, hold things and seemed to have a growing understanding of the world around him.
But best of all, he now no longer needed to be constantly touched. He seemed to have learned that he wouldn't be left alone. Cloud could finally understand what made people want children. Now that he was sleeping 'through the night' (though Cloud wasn't quite sure how five hours at a time counted as through the night), everyone was sleeping better.
One by one the members of AVALANCHE had left to return to their own lives and Cloud had finally found a routine that worked. Things were finally starting to settle down, and he found that he was oddly happy. Still, he did miss some of his old life. Now that he was actually getting sleep, he wasn't so run down and exhausted, and was feeling itchy to get out of the house. He didn't want to go as far away as he used to, but he wanted to go somewhere.
It was actually Tifa who had suggested the Church. He hadn't been in a long while and he found he missed the quiet serenity that the flowers provided. Trying to figure out how to get there was a bit of a hassle. It was too far to walk, but he was hesitant to take Zack on Fenrir, even at slow speeds. It wasn't far enough to justify calling on Cid and his airship, and Cloud was at a bit of a loss.
Until he realized that he would probably need to buy a car.
For some reason, buying a car seemed like a much bigger deal. It was just a mode of transport after all. But Cloud couldn't shake the feeling that it meant the end of something.
It wasn't possible to buy a new car in Edge. The city was still starting and the world was still recovering from the near apocalypse. Nobody had been bothered about manufacturing new vehicles, choosing instead to fix and refurbish the older ones. That didn't bother Cloud overly much. In his mind he still thought of the car as being a temporary thing. At least until Zack was old enough to hold on to him on the back of the bike.
So it didn't take Cloud long to find one that suited his needs. It was smaller than the average truck that puttered around the city, but it was serviceable. Unfortunately it was also bright red.
It had been Zack's reaction to it that caused Cloud to actually buy it. From the harness on Cloud's chest, the boy had made a delighted squeak and clapped his hands the moment Cloud got close to the car. Since it didn't matter to him, and Zack liked it, Cloud was more than happy to cut this shopping trip short.
Pulling up to the church, Cloud sat in the drivers seat and looked up at it for a moment before grabbing Zack's car seat and heading inside.
The sun was shining down on the dilapidated building, its rays finding their way down to the flowers below. It was a far cry from when Midgar had been whole, and even though the building had suffered even more damage during Meteorfall, it somehow felt more complete now. A soft breeze was almost always present, and the scent of the flowers spread far and wide. It was a place of peace and nobody who came here didn't feel the quiet calm.
"I'm sorry I was gone for so long." His voice was always quiet in the church. He wasn't sure if Aerith could hear him or not, but he liked to believe that she could. He used to come here often and speak with her. "Things have really changed recently." Reaching the edge of the flower garden, Cloud sat down and swiftly released Zack from his capsule, placing the squirming baby in his lap.
Zack was strangely quiet, his eyes darting around the church as if looking for a voice. Like everyone else, Zack seemed to be taken in by the tranquillity that the flower garden provided. He was relaxed and content, even if his eyes couldn't figure out what to focus on.
"I don't know if it was you who asked me to save him... or if it was the planet. But... But I did. I will." Leaning over the curious baby, Cloud absently began to weed the garden. Somebody had obviously been taking care of it in his absence, but there was always something to be done. Pulling weeds and tending to the seedlings always made him feel better. Even on his darkest days, tending to them had given him a breather from all his negative emotions. He wasn't sure if that was just a normal thing, or if it was something to do with Aerith's presence. He wasn't sure it mattered.
"He's growing so fast. I think you would have loved him. He's not- He's not the man he would have been. He'll be different this time. I promise." He wasn't sure if he was promising her, himself or the boy in his arms. Either way, he intended on living up to it. If nothing else, Zack deserved the chance to grow into a good man. "Tifa was right. She usually is. He needed a new name. He has to be his own person, not a shadow. So... So I named him after a hero." His voice broke. It always hurt to think about Zack, the man who had sacrificed so much to save him. Even the serenity of the flowers couldn't take away all the pain.
Looking down, he regarded the child who was reaching out towards the flowers.
"His name is Zack. I- I hope Zack doesn't mind." He looked up from Zack to the sword stood proudly beyond the pond, the light reflecting on the blade, making it seem like it was shining. "Maybe this time, he'll be a different kind of hero. I'll tell him all about Zack, and you too, Aerith. I'll teach him what it is to be loved, and cherished. I'll-" His voice hitched with emotion, "I'll teach him what you taught me. What it took so long for me to learn. Love. Acceptance. Courage. Forgiveness. I'll tell him the stories of your strength, your hope. I'll-" He had to swallow a lump in his throat and take a breath before carrying on. "I'll do you both proud." A tear fell down his cheek, but he didn't bother to reach up to wipe it away. It was nice to get a little release, and he knew that Aerith wouldn't mind the show of emotion. In fact, she would have probably celebrated it.
His hand was resting gently on Zack's head, fingers idly stroking the knitted cap. Zack was too distracted to notice, his eyes still darting around and his head tilting to one side. He made a sound, half way between a gurgle and a hum. He seemed to like it here. Cloud was glad about that.
They stayed in the church for a few hours until it was time to feed Zack. Cloud took him home and fell back into his routine.
– – – –
"Did you know," Yuffie was visiting. Again. Barely a week went past between visits now, and while Cloud was grateful for the extra help, Yuffie could also be almost as tiring as Zack. "That babies can hold a throwing knife from the age of three months?" As if to prove her point, Yuffie took one of the blades from her belt and held it towards Zack.
Cloud reacted quickly, batting the knife away and glaring at her. "Don't give the baby sharp things." He admonished and an irritated tone.
"But Cloouuuud. How can he learn if you wont let him even touch them?" She picked up her knife and placed it back on her belt. "He'll never be any good if he doesn't practice!" She stood with her hands on her hips, leaning forward to stare at him with an outright grumpy look on her face.
They were once again sat in the main area of the bar. It was lunch time, and there were a few patrons around though they were minding their own business. Curiosity had been rife with the regulars when they saw Cloud now had a kid, but they knew better than to ask and Cloud was left mostly alone.
"He's three months old, Yuffie. He can't sit up on his own. How exactly were you intending on teaching him weapons safety?" Cloud reached for the second half of his sandwich and began eating, making sure not to spill any crumbs on Zack's head.
"Practice!"
Cloud shook his head. "No." That was the final word on the matter. Now if only he could trust Yuffie to drop the subject. The last thing he wanted was to wake up in the morning and find a knife in his kid's hand. Zack had little control over his limbs and spent most of his time flailing.
Grumbling, with her arms now folded across her chest, Yuffie looked down at Zack. "Don't worry. I'll teach you eventually. Maybe you'll even learn how to use long ranged weapons. Wouldn't that be nice. I'm sure daddy wants you to learn how to use a sword like him, but I know better. You'll want to throw things." She kept talking to the baby, but Cloud found he wasn't listening. One word had stood out and his mind was fixated on that.
Daddy.
Cloud was a father. Regardless of the circumstances of his birth, Zack was now Cloud's son. His son. Cloud had a son. He was a dad. Why it had taken months for him to realise this would remain a mystery. But now it was finally occurring to him. Cloud was a dad. Holy shit. Could he do this? Could he really be a dad? He didn't exactly have a role model. His dad had left before he was born and his mother had never taken another long term partner. He hadn't even had a father figure in his life. Nobody had stepped into that role, so he had no idea what a father was supposed to do. What if he screwed this up? What if he did it wrong, and Zack grew up badly? So far he'd been acting mostly on instinct. Giving the child what he needed. But that was easy when the kid only wanted one of a handful of things. What about later, when he got older? How could Cloud be sure that he wouldn't raise him to be more fucked up than he was in Cloud's past?
"Hellooooooooo." Yuffie waved a hand in front of Cloud, capturing his attention. He stared at her, shell shocked. "Cloud, are you okay? You look green." She gently took Zack from his arms and looked at him in concern. "Are you gong to throw up?" Her nose wrinkled in disgust and she stepped back a little, just in case he did throw up.
"I- Can you-" He gestured to Zack and didn't give her a chance to respond before he fled the room. His stomach churning and his head spinning. He was on the back of Fenrir and half way out of the city before he realized what he was doing. He was running away again.
Slowing the bike down, he started to do his breathing exercises again, trying to control the rising panic. This had suddenly become real. Until now, it had all seemed so temporary. He would look after the kid for a little while, but he had never truly thought long term. And he'd certainly never thought of himself as a dad.
There was the rising panic again. But instead of giving into his instinct to flee, he took another breath and turned the bike around. He was probably going to get hell for taking off like that, but it was better that he returned home sooner rather than later. Still, he found himself slowing down further and further the closer he came to the bar. Anxiety was still flowing through him and his mind was still spinning.
Pulling the bike to a stop, he sat outside for a few minutes, eyes locked in front of him but looking at nothing in particular. His hands were still clutched around the handlebars and he slowly forced himself to relax and get off the vehicle.
"Feeling better?" Tifa was stood at the bar's entrance, hands on hips and anger in her eyes. "You can't do that any more." She spoke in a level tone, betraying how upset she really was. "You can't just run away when things get hard." She didn't move when Cloud approached her, not until his forehead came to rest on her shoulders and his hand snaked around her waist.
It wasn't often that Cloud initiated any form of physical affection and it always caught her off guard. Slowly, she placed her arms around him and held him, her anger dissolving into concern. "Cloud?" He was shaking in her arms.
"I don't know what to do." The admission was quiet, barely above a whisper, but he knew she heard him. "I've never had a father. I-"
Her arms tightened around him and she kissed the top of his head. "I know. I get it. But Cloud... You're not alone in this. None of us really have good role models, but we're in this together."
"What if I make a mistake?"
"Then you'll be just like the rest of us." She stepped back, hands on the sides of his shoulders as she ducked her head to look into his lowered face. "Do you really think that there's such a thing as a perfect parent? Everyone makes mistakes. But that's why you have all of us. So we can pick you up and help you learn." She let go of one of his arms and used the other to gently guide him inside. "Everyone's scared when they have a baby. It's normal. But you can't run away any more. He needs you. More than anyone ever has."
He was pushed into a chair before he lifted his head. He regarded her for a moment before giving a resolute nod. She seemed to understand. She always seemed to understand. But then, she had known him for ever.
He gratefully took the drink that Yuffie offered him and slowly sipped it. Tifa was right. He wasn't alone in this. Whatever happened, he was sure that one of them would know what to do.
