To the Morrow, For the Past
Chapter 13 – A New Development –
Sephiroth seemed to be avoiding Cloud. Since coming to Shinra, Cloud had become used to Sephiroth's presence in his life (wasn't that a weird concept?) and was surprised to find that he missed his friend. The man's quiet company was often a welcome relief from Zack's insane level of energy.
Their sparing match had been the last time Cloud had seen Sephiroth, and that had been a week ago. The only reason Cloud could think of to explain Sephiroth's sudden distance was a bruised ego. After being the best at something for so long, to have a virtual stranger best you would probably hurt at least a little.
But enough was enough. Cloud wasn't about to let the work that he'd put in to their friendship go to waste because Sephiroth couldn't handle not being the best any more. So he made his way to Sephiroth's office and let himself in. He didn't bother knocking.
Sephiroth was sat behind his desk, head buried in paperwork. When Cloud entered he looked up and put his pen down. "Cloud." He greeted.
He hadn't thought this all the way through, and now that he was here, Cloud had no idea what to say. He floundered for a moment before taking a seat opposite Sephiroth. He kept eye contact as he did so, "Why are you avoiding me?" It seemed like a good idea to go straight to the point. He knew that Sephiroth would probably appreciate that.
There was a long pause, Sephiroth's cheeks reddening a little at being caught out. He gave a little cough and looked back down to his paperwork. He picked up the pen, but didn't use it, instead he twiddled it in his hand. The man gave off an air of discomfort.
"You seem to have awakened my sexuality." The words were so quiet that Cloud almost missed them. And part of him wished he had.
"I did what now?" He couldn't help the befuddled and surprised tone of his voice and his eyes went a little wide. Did Sephiroth just say what he thought he had? That Cloud had...
"Awakened my sexuality." The words were louder this time, but only a little.
Nope. Definitely what Cloud had heard before. He blinked a few times, trying to wrap his head around this concept and Sephiroth continued speaking, his ears and face deepening in their shade of red.
"I apologise for the distance I have been keeping. I am not entirely sure how to... deal with this." The younger man leaned forward a little, his hair forming a curtain over his face. "I do not expect anything of you. I simply wished to have time to... process these new... feelings."
Oh Gaia this was awkward. For both of them. Cloud was still sitting there, staring at Sephiroth, his mouth agape and his eyes wide. Sephiroth. Had a crush. On Cloud. This was so far down on the list of things that Cloud had expected Sephiroth to say. No. This wasn't even on the list. This was... Completely bat shit crazy.
"I will understand if you wish to distance yourself from me. I have been informed that most men don't appreciate this sort of... fondness from other men. I've been led to believe that it..." Sephiroth shook his head, seemingly unable to finish his sentence.
Was Sephiroth ashamed? Who had made him feel like that? That there was something wrong with being attracted to other men? Right. Military. Not exactly known for their fondness of homosexuality.
"Don't." Cloud's words were sharper than he'd intended, and when Sephiroth's head shot up to look at him, he sighed quietly, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Don't ever be ashamed of being attracted to other men." He repeated, his voice softening. "There's nothing wrong with that."
Again, there was silence. Instead of the usual companionship, this one was strangled and awkward. It was kind of reminding Cloud of when he'd helped Denzel get through his first crush. All blushing, awkwardness and -
Cloud looked at Sephiroth again. "Awakened...?" He asked, "You've never been attracted to anybody before." When Sephiroth shook his head, Cloud's hand went back to his nose and he let out a long breath. This was just... awkward.
"This upsets you?" Sephiroth seemed to be picking his words with care, tentatively speaking with a timid voice. Not something Cloud had ever expected from the man. Nor was it anything he ever wanted to hear again.
"No. It... just makes things... a little awkward." He admitted, letting out another slow breath and dropping his hand. He offered Sephiroth a small smile. "I'm not- I'm not in a place that I can..." How did you reject the man that had meant so many things to you in so many different ways and in so many different times.
Twenty years ago, Cloud would have been overjoyed. Ten years ago, Cloud would have been sickened. Now... now he was just confused, not entirely sure what he should be feeling about this new development.
"I'm not expecting anything of you Cloud." Sephiroth said in such a way that Cloud wasn't sure who was comforting who. He shook his head.
So what now? Now he had his answer as to why his new friend was avoiding him, a wholly strange, insane and unexpected answer, but an answer none the less. He just had no idea what to do with said answer. Sephiroth was looking at him like he had all the answers, but Cloud didn't have much more experience than Sephiroth when it came to these sorts of thing.
"Look," He said eventually, "This is... unexpected... and new. But..." He took a breath and let it out slowly, "But we're friends, right?" He asked, giving Sephiroth a sincere smile and tilting his head to the side slightly. "This doesn't change that."
Sephiroth nodded, his face still a deep shade of red. "I will... adapt." He reassured Cloud. "This will not be a problem."
"I know. So no more avoiding me, okay." Cloud had no idea why it had irked him so much in the first place. With this new information, he didn't really want to think about things too deeply right now.
But at least he got close to Sephiroth, right?
– – – – – –
"So!" Zack's arm slung itself around Cloud's shoulders again. He was so used to this now that his steps didn't even falter. He'd been on his way to lunch after speaking to Sephiroth when Zack had ambushed him.
"Hello Zack." Cloud greeted his friend, slipping from under his shoulders to walk through the cafeteria doors.
"Did you ever find out why Sephiroth's been avoiding you?" Of course Zack would ask that. Zack seemed to have a knack for asking questions at awkward times.
With a sigh, Cloud nodded and gathered food onto a tray. He didn't answer right away, he waited until they were seated as far away from anyone as they could be. "He has a crush on me." He said simply, keeping his voice down so they wouldn't be overheard. This didn't seem like the sort of thing that Sephiroth would appreciate ending up on the rumour mill. Cloud knew that he probably couldn't prevent it from happening at all, but at least he could stop it from coming from him.
Zack's face slackened, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. "For real?" He asked, shock and excitement in his voice. "Sephiroth- are you and he-? Because no judgement, I think you guys would be great!"
"No Zack." Cloud said with a sigh. "I can't. Not... not right now." He didn't want to delve into the reasons why. How could you tell your friend that you wouldn't consider a relationship with a man that you had killed three times, adopted once, and were now friends with? That was just... too much to unpack.
Zack's expression changed to that of quiet understanding. "Right." He said softly. "You've got baggage, right?"
Cloud nodded. "Yeah."
"But I mean... it's not 'cause he's a guy, right?" Zack asked, shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"I'm not a hypocrite Zack." Cloud muttered, using his fork to move food around his plate. He could watch his food, and not have to worry about seeing the pitying looks Zack had been sending him.
"Oh." Zack's tone changed to something Cloud couldn't place. "Well. Like I said, no judgement from me. Do you think that he'll stop avoiding you now that you know?"
"I don't know. I hope so." Cloud gave up on food. His stomach was doing weird things and his mind was too jumbled to bother even trying.
"Me too. I mean, I just got a mission that's gonna take me out of Midgar for a while. I'd feel bad leaving you behind with him if things weren't going to work out. Oh! Speaking of things like this! I was down in the slums today and I met this amazing girl. I fell down from the plate, almost on top of her! I think I crushed some of the flowers she's growing..."
Cloud stopped. His hands stopped. His head stopped. His heart stopped. He knew who Zack was talking about. He'd managed not to think too hard on her existence since coming here. It was too difficult. To painful. He swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to speak normally. "What's her name?"
Either he managed it better than he thought, or Zack was distracted enough not to notice. Either way, Zack started bouncing in place, "Aerith! Get this, she grows flowers in the slums!"
Cloud knew those flowers. He knew them very well. They'd given him comfort in his grief and pain. They'd reminded him of her.
"You.. don't get many flowers in Midgar." He managed to squeeze out the words, his heart starting to beat normally again. Why hadn't he expected this?
"Nope. I told her she should sell them! Midgar full of flowers, pocket full of money! Everybody wins!"
That had been how he'd met her. The first time. She'd been selling flowers on the plate and he'd bought one from her. Zack's words were bringing up memories and Cloud once again had the urge to flee. From what, he wasn't sure. Zack's words? His own feelings? His memories?
He pushed his plate away and looked at Zack, forcing a smile. "That's... a great idea Zack." He said, "Where's your mission taking you?" Another topic. He wasn't ready to talk about her yet. He didn't know if he ever would be.
"Oh! Modeoheim. Some frozen place on the northern continent I think." Zack wouldn't share more than that. He never did. He was apparently working on something important and secret. Cloud didn't push, but the name of the place seemed familiar to him. It hadn't been somewhere they'd travelled to in the months leading up to Meteorfall, or even since then. So his vague memories must be about this time.
Did he go on that mission? Cloud couldn't remember. He hadn't joined yet, had he? Maybe he got his dates wrong. His memories of that time were completely inconsistent and unreliable anyway.
"Don't get too cold." He warned, "It's easy to get all your heat sapped before you even know you're cold." He remembered that all too well. The ice glacier had not been fun to clime.
Zack nodded, no longer questioning Cloud's advice.
– – – – – –
Once Zack had left for his mission, Cloud wandered back up to Sephiroth's office carrying a paper bag. He let himself in again and sat down in front of Sephiroth's desk, dropping the bag on top of the paperwork.
"You know," Sephiroth said, sliding the bag aside to continue with what he was doing, "I could have had someone important in here." He finished the page with a signature and then looked up, "And you didn't knock."
Cloud shrugged, nudging the bag at Sephiroth. "Eat." He ordered. "I knew you were doing paperwork. I also know that people don't tend to interrupt you when you're doing paperwork. Rumour has it you get all grouchy."
Sephiroth blinked at Cloud, an amused smile flickering at the corner of his lips. "You've interrupted me twice today."
"I'm special. Eat." Cloud reached into the bag and pulled out a sandwich. Sephiroth followed suit, pushing the now empty bag aside.
"Why are you here, Cloud?"
Cloud finished his mouthful, before answering. "Zack's on a mission." He told him, "I don't know if the order to watch me was rescinded or not." He shrugged.
Sephiroth gave a single nod. "And the food?"
"Pretty sure you're just as lousy as me at remembering to eat." And also, Cloud had had no idea what to say to Sephiroth. Speaking with ones mouth full of food was rude, so filling his mouth with food seemed like a good way to get out of having to converse. Obviously it hadn't worked.
Sephiroth raised an eyebrow but ate his food anyway. Once done, he looked down at his paperwork and sighed.
"You know..." Cloud started, looking down at the pile on Sephiroth's desk. Was it even bigger than the last time he was here, just an hour or so ago? "If the order to watch me hasn't been rescinded... you'd have to follow me if I walked out the door..." He stood, taking a step back, a smile tugging on his lips. He took another step back, "And then, it wouldn't be your fault that your paperwork didn't get done..." Another step. He felt ridiculous, but Sephiroth was trying not to laugh. He needed a break anyway, right?
"After all," Cloud continued, "You had to choose which was more important, right? More paperwork, or a potential threat disappearing into the building..." He'd reached the door now, and Sephiroth stood, chuckling and following him towards the door.
"And just where would I be following this threatening person to?" Cloud hadn't expected him to play along, but decided to go with it, getting lost in his own amusement.
"Hmm. Could be anywhere, really." he said, "but you wont find him in your office." He was grinning now, this was a lot more fun than he thought it would be. It was nice to be silly for once, to just let go of all the seriousness that he faced every day. Was this what having a friend was supposed to be like?
"Hmm. I wonder if I would find him in the building at all? Maybe he went for a walk along the plate's edge?"
Cloud tipped his head to the side, that actually seemed... nice.
"That does sound like a good place to start." They were walking now, heading for the elevators. Sephiroth hadn't bothered locking his office, but he did make sure to close the door. Cloud wondered if anybody would even notice he was gone. Probably not.
They walked together for a long while. The edge of the plate hadn't been completely finished yet. It reminded Cloud of Edge and he was suddenly homesick. He slowed his speed and found an exposed beam to sit on. Sephiroth joined him and they sat in silence for a few minutes.
The view wasn't too bad. The wastes weren't as big as Cloud remembered, but they spread out quite far. There was a hint of greenery on the horizon, but nothing close enough to see properly. They could see the ocean though. A small slither of water in the distance. Cloud closed his eyes for a moment, letting himself relax.
"This reminds me of home." He said quietly, not even realising he was speaking at first.
"You never speak of your home." Sephiroth shifted slightly, his shoulder warm against Cloud's.
"There's... not much I can say." Cloud admitted, opening his eyes to gaze out into the distance. The sun was starting to go down and it spread red across the sky. "It doesn't exist... any more." Yet. It hadn't been built yet. The ruins that it had been built on were still a city. A lot could change in a decade.
They were quiet again. They watched the sun set before moving to go back. Sephiroth had stood first and offered his hand to Cloud. He took it, even though he didn't really need the help. That wasn't the point. They were still friends. Even if things were awkward for a little while.
"Thank you." Sephiroth said quietly and Cloud wasn't entirely sure what for, but he nodded anyway.
"Let's get back inside."
– – – – –
