How `bout some answers? Ya think you'd like some of dose? Lemme check if I gots any in da back.

CA$H ONLY
Chapter 9: Profit$
By: I Write Big

"Seems like only yesterday I was wrapping you up after you got yourself trampled at Roachella, Suga'," the jolly hippo wiggled her tiny ears as she adjusted the IV. Nick only offered his usual smirk as the nurse did her work. So far there hadn't been any word on Hopps. Last mammal to hear from her was Clawhauser and he claimed she was on route to Tundratown almost an hour ago. The radio silence didn't bother Nick. He knew she could handle this. Or maybe that was the morphine dulling his worries.

"You need to start being more careful or we're gonna have to start charging rent." The hippo patted his head and switched on the television as Nick tried and failed to think of a quip about overcharged healthcare. Usually he was quicker than this. Maybe he was losing his touch. Or maybe that was also the morphine. The screen finished glowing to life in the middle of an interview with a portly fox who Nick met the other day.

"—received multiple five-star reviews online. What do you attribute to the quite literal overnight success of your diner?" asked the off-screen reporter.

Gideon Grey thumbed his overalls with pride, "I'd say Real Good Baked Stuff always had what it took to be the best. The food and the love. The only thing missing was the opportunity to show mammals what we could do. And I have a very close friend to thank for that chance."

The microphone retracted from the shot, "Are you talking about Duke Weaselton, the alleged kitnapper of Judy Clawleone Big? Are you saying you and your business condone such crimes?"

The microphone came back and aimed at the suddenly much more nervous Gideon. "I-I-I-I—I should get back to the k-k-kitchen!" The fox scrambled back into the diner.

Into the shot hopped a junior bunny with rather thick glasses, "Hello, News Mammal, I was the clapper! Did you know all shrews look the same?" the kit asked with practiced ease.

Nick concluded that had to have been the morphine. Overalls don't comically come undone and nearly slip off in real life. It would be less of a headache trying to discern what was real and what was drug induced hallucinations if he ignored the TV and instead watched the day go by through the window. He turned over, ready to count clouds only to see…

"Snow?"

"Snow? Now, Suga', where do you see—Oh sweet baby Jesus, what is going on out there?" The nurse also stared out the window in disbelief, confirming to Nick that what he saw wasn't the morphine. Not a single cloud spotted the clear blue sky and yet down rained dots of white that began to cover the streets of Sahara Square. Nick briefly considered whether the city's climate system was malfunctioning.

A new voice came from the TV. "Sorry for the interruption, Tammy, but we're getting some breaking news. Every district of Zootopia is reporting the same phenomenon. Several tons of paper falling from the sky. Where this litter originated from is still unknown but citizens are recommended to stay off the roads until this has cleared. The amount is considered a driving hazard. Several accidents have already been reported. More as this story develops."

The wind shifted and what looked like a wave of white slammed against the wide hospital windows, startling the nurse. The paper formed a new wall, blotting out the sun. As the nurse scrambled to get help, Nick only felt curiosity at the sight. He had grown up on the streets of Zootopia and he had seen more oddities than he could count. But nothing compared to this. If Judy were here, he would've made a quip about 'getting the message across,' for the pages were not blank. Words were typed across them in print too long for his drug-addled mind to comprehend. What he could comprehend was the thirty or so copies of the same gently smiling face with strange ears that was his new wallpaper.

"Donny?"


To keep water flowing under Tundratown required the proper piping and maintenance. It wasn't unusual for residences to have their sewage ice over, unless of course that resident had high enough income to afford heated piping. This assured no sewage would get blocked by sudden icebergs. Granted, the cost of installing and powering these heaters cost more than calling the plumber once in a while, but to Big they were a necessary precaution. As embarrassing as it sounded, shrews living in a mansion with toilets built for polar bears was a recipe for disaster. Heated piping was the only way to avoid any accidents. Well… accidents that weren't intended.

This was why Duke noticed the water was unexpectedly warm as he and Cottontail were torpedoed through a maze of pitch black metal. The bucktooth's short arms were tightly wrapped around his back. He could feel the rush of liquid in his fur which probably meant the tranq was mostly gone but he wasn't taking any chances and concentrated his entire being on holding his breath. Problem was he didn't have that much breath to hold. He wish he hadn't screamed on the way down, he was paying for it now as his nearly empty lungs burned and begged for oxygen. For some reason his brain was beginning to feel fuzzy, which didn't make sense. There wasn't any hair on the inside of his skull. His heartbeat rang in his eardrums and sleepiness began to take hold as if the tranq had came back.

That's when Duke realized he was drowning.

He was pretty sure an expert would tell him not to panic, but panicking seemed like the only option. Duke thrashed his head, hoping the movement would keep him conscious! The water pressed against him from every side like a vice, squeezing the last bit of life out of him! Nothing was working! Somehow the inky blackness was getting blacker! The burn only grew stronger! He needed to breathe!

Then Cottontail's paws let go of his sides and tightly cupped his jowls as if she knew he was seconds from sucking in water. Duke wasn't sure what she was doing but something small and soft pressed against the tip of his snout and into his mouth poured precious air with a hint of carrot. The fuzziness went away, the burn died down. Miraculously, he could think clearly again! How did that happen?

The bunny paws on his jowls weakened and let go but he didn't feel them return to his back. In a moment of terror, Duke reached forward and grabbed the copper. Her face was still hidden in darkness but her body was limp in his hold. Was that the… Kiss of Life thing from all those lifeguard movies? It must have been!

Cottontail had given him her air.

Duke covered Cottontail's nose and mouth, sensing a weakening heartbeat in her neck. Would it work if he gave the air back? Does oxygen go bad after the second mammal?! HOW DOES THIS WORK?! He mentally prepared himself to give it a shot when the current ripped downwards and Duke hit brick. He tumbled several times until he burst from the water's surface into chilling air! The weasel gasped deeply, gulping down every ounce he could. With his nightvision, he could make out they were in a much wider sewage line. One that multiple pipes spill into with their contents rushing down the center. The flat edge they laid on was just high enough to be out of the river. Duke could barely believe he was alive. But was the bunny? She seemed to be unconscious.

"Hey?! Cottontail? Ya'right?" He shook her a couple times. Nothing. Over the endlessly echoing roar of the water, he listened with his ear pressed flat against her chest.

He couldn't hear anything.

"No..."

This wasn't fair. He had dreamt of this moment. Pined for it. Mulled over the finer details on how he'd snuff out the Goody-Goody Cottontail Copper who had put him in the slammer on a monthly basis. And now that it was finally here, he didn't even get to gloat?! Hell, he didn't even deliver the blow! She had the nerve to sacrifice herself for him!

"Ya ain't gettin' off dat fuckin' easy!"

Now, Duke had never been trained in CPR, but he saw enough Baywatch to get the idea. Channeling his inner David Hamsterhoff, Duke ripped away her annoying chest plate and double-fist punched the bunny in the gut with all his might.

"No mammal ain't takin' ya out except me!" He delivered another punch. "Ya get back here 'n help me rescue li'l Judy!" Another. "Afta she's nice 'n safe..." One more. "Den ya can be dead!" He threw his entire weight into his fists! Water gushed out of Cottontail's mouth and into Duke's face! "GAH! Warn a guy, will ya?" Duke rolled her on her side as she sputtered and coughed out the last drops. Eventually, her breathing normalized. She rolled back and weakly looked up at him.

"Did you… Did you just save me?"

Duke froze as it became apparent to him that he did. That did not sit well. Duke had a reputation to uphold. He quickly justified his actions, "Don't ya be gettin' get any smart ideas, Copper. Ya-ya saved my fur back dere, so I owed ya. Now, we're even." At his excuse, her small smile only got bigger. Christ Almighty! That look in her eyes… was she proud of him? "Hey! What did I juss say? Wipe dat look off yer face `fore I toss ya back in! I will! Don't test me! I'll do it!"

"Weaselton," her paw on his arm made him stop, "I won't tell anybody."

Duke supposed he would have to settle for that, "Ya'd better not. Come on, less get outta here `fore somebody flushes." He brushed away her touch and stood. The copper pushed against the concrete floor but her body trembled at the effort. She collapsed and gripped at her stomach.

"Ugh, cheese and crackers, did we hit something in the pipe? It feels like my chest was assaulted by twenty different mammals."

Duke hid his paws behind his back, "Hit somethin'? Sure, yeah, less go wit dat."

She went for a second try to get back on her feet, with one paw clenched to her battered belly. Her breathing hitched and she went down again, "Kkcc, I can't! It hurts too much! I can't!" The bunny pressed against the wall, gasping erratically in pain. Each puff twisted at Duke's usually not too chatty conscience. Regret curling his toes, Duke offered his paw to Cottontail.

"Ya don't tell nobody `bout dis neither," he warned.

She stared at the extended paw then at him. Another smile burst on her face and she said, "You offered and I didn't even have to ask." Oh God, she was proud of him!

"Agh!" Duke scooped the small copper into his arms and began following the waterflow, taking extra careful precaution not to slip on the occasional mossy patch. "Ya know, sometimes I can be nice! Not always worth throwin' a parade! Stop actin' like yer my damn ma or somethin'!" That last bit seemed to make her dumb ears stiffen upwards for some reason. Thankfully, that also got the annoying fluffball to shut her trap and Duke was able to march in relative silence. At one point, Cottontail hissed through enough soreness to pull out her phone but the device was soaked and cracked to disuse. Duke imagined his phone wasn't any better. They trudged for what could've been miles without a word until they spied a circle of light ahead.

"Okay, now that we're out… How do you know Michael Hornesto?" she at last asked.

Duke groaned in frustration. This was going to end with a migraine. "I don't."

Cottontail flinched, "But back at Big's, you said—"

"I've never met 'im, I don't know 'im," shrugged Duke.

"Did you lie to me?"

"I dink I know 'im, I dink I know how he's connected, I dink I know why dis is happenin'."

"Then tell me what you think you know!"

"...Cottontail, lissen ta me very carefully." Duke waited until he was sure he had her undivided attention. "I was a distraction. Dis entire time somebody has been cookin' somethin' up. What exactly? I don't fuckin' know but dey used me ta keep da ZPD off deir tail." That seemed to entice the copper so he continued, "Right now, I'm da only one who knows da mammal who has li'l Judy 'n he dinks I'm outta da picture! If Michael is who I dink he is, den we gotta keep it dat way, 'cause as soon as da kitnapper's name gets out, he'll trace dat back ta me 'n we'll lose our chance."

"But if we used the ZPD—"

"It's too late fer da ZPD! He said he was ready! Whatever I was supposed ta do, I did it, 'n whatever he was plannin' dat needed kitnappin' a baby as a distraction is gonna happen!" Duke was starting to scare himself with what he was saying. That's when they saw the paper. The sewage flow looked as if it had been replaced with a great white basilisk of flyers.

"Da fuck…?" muttered Duke.

"Is that li'l Judy?"

He ran them the rest of the way out of the sewage line. The papers jetted out onto a great lake with even more papers fluttering down from the cloudless blue sky. The copper wriggled out of his hold and, while still gripping at her stomach, picked up a sheet that hadn't landed in the water and scraped the mud away. A clear photo of a happy li'l Judy shined on the page with the words, 'Sunset, Little Rodentia.' Duke looked down at another page that had Michael's mug from the obituary and the words, Mistakes Happen, Pops!'

Cottontail pointed to the drainpipe, "This line flows from Tundratown. The Bigs are seeing this."

Sheer awe dried Duke's throat as he saw the amount of paper covering the forest around them, "Okay, why not, Horn," he whispered to nobody, "What else were ya gonna do wit several empty dump trucks 'n all dose printers I stole for ya?"

The bunny twisted her ears, "Cheese and crackers, the Clawleones are probably seeing this too! If the two families meet in Little Rodentia, it could escalate into the street war we've been trying to avoid this whole time!" Her worry morphed to scowling determination. She turned to Duke, "We need li'l Judy to stop this. How do we find her?"

The whistle of an approaching train caught Duke's attention. "Does da sun rise in da East?"

"...Was that supposed to be an obvious rhetorical question meant to instill me with confidence or do you really not know?"

"I know! I juss forgot, sue me! Does it?"

"Yes!"

He double checked and, lucky him, the train was going South, "We find li'l Judy by gettin' on da train 'n not askin' questions."

"Are you serious?!"

"If yer gonna be a parta dis, ya'll have ta act. 'N yer actin' is what's known as hammy. Da less ya know, da more convincin' ya'll be."

He did not expect her downright dumbstruck look to be so frightening, "Are you saying you're not going to tell me anything?"

"Nothin'!" he barely managed to stand his ground.

"Not even the name of the mammal who kitnapped my goddaughter?!"

"Dat is da last ding on Earth dat I'd tell ya."

Before she could summon enough rage to, he assumed, rip his fur out, Duke gathered Cottontail back into his arms and sprinted towards the locomotive. He jumped onto the service ladder and swung them both into the nearest car.

As he slid the freight door closed, she called over the high-pitched winds, "Do you at least know where we can find the kitnapper?"

"No, but I know where ta find da mammal who does." At least, he hoped he was right. He didn't want to admit it to Cottontail, but this was a gamble. Duke wasn't a gambling kinda weasel but that changed the moment li'l Judy's safety was on the line. As long as luck was on their side and nobody else knew about Travis, then this might just work.

"So, wait..." Cottontail said. "Donny was with you when li'l Judy was taken. Doesn't he know who the kitnapper is?"

Duke's entire body went rigid, "CRAP!"


"I'm telling you! It was this ferret named Travis!"

"Travis who?" demanded Mr. Big.

Donny grumbled to himself as he tried to remember, "Ugh! I didn't ask. I think his family owns food stores…? I wasn't listenin' because I didn't know it was him until after he took her."

"So, for all you know, this 'Travis' could be in cahoots with your dad," Big pressed an accusatory claw in Donny's face.

"Don't even get me started!" Donny shoved the claw away, "There ain't no way in hell Pops would ever work with a ferret! Right, Fredo?"

His middle brother shuffled uncomfortably near the desk's edge, "Um, yeah, Mom would have a fit. Fellas, maybe we should take a second to collect ourselves and figure out what needs to be done."

"I know exactly what needs to be done!" growled Fru Fru. From her perch in her polar bear's paws she shook the paper that mocked her with a picture of her kit. "We're going to stop playing nice! We're gonna use every muscle we got! And we're going to Little Rodentia and we're gonna save MY BABY!" The family's army of polar bears that weren't still recovering from Judy's escape silently formed ranks.

"Snookums..." her husband climbed up to her and took her paw, "I wanna find our daughter as much as you but we need to remain caaaaAAAA!" His paw was nearly crushed in her iron grip. "I mean, there's still half a day 'fore she'll be there at sunset!" he squeaked out.

Fru Fru dropped his paw and gave him a confused look, "Fuck ya talking about, Fredo?" She pointed at the text, "The bastard said, 'Sunset comma Little Rodentia.' Obviously, they mean Sunset on the corner of Riverside."

"Oh! You talkin' about that shop where you got that adorable sunhat?" cooed Fredo.

"No, I'm talking about the shop where I got ya those cute sunglasses," corrected Fru Fru.

"Ooh, with the green glitter? I love those glasses!"

"Hey! Whoa! Sweetie!" Mr. Big stepped in, "You sayin' there's a store in Little Rodentia called 'Sunset'?"

"Store, court, park, daycare," listed a new voice. Every shrew craned their necks towards the ceiling and saw it was Fru Fru's polar bear with one of their earplugs plucked out who spoke, "Little Rodentia has a Sunset store on Riverside, a Sunset Court that stretches sixteen blocks, a Sunset Park near the outdoor mall, and the Sunset Daycare Center on the south end."

After a couple moments, Fru Fru screeched, "How many times have I told ya to stop eavesdropping?!"

"Mmm," her polar bear acknowledged and replugged their ear.

"I swear, that fucking bear never stops listening."

Donny opened a map on his phone, "Four Sunsets. If we split up our numbers, we can still take the kitnapper, no matter what, right? But then when do we go?"

"Right the fuck now!" ordered Fru Fru.

"Won't be a problem." Big motioned to Koslov and climbed into the bear's paw, "Get the boys ready."

Fredo protested, " But-but-but what about the police? Shouldn't we ask for their help?"

The old shrew hesitated and gave Fredo an apologetic gaze, "There's only two cops in the ZPD that I trust. Your brother flushed one down the drain to God knows where and the other is in the hospital. I don't want this to get ugly, Fredo, but we're running outta options. We need to protect our family."

Big and Fru Fru were carried out, leaving the brothers alone. Before them lay a copy of the second paper that had caked the front yard. It had gone unmentioned throughout the meeting but now that the shrews were alone, they couldn't look away from the picture. Their fear shown as plain as the page under their feet. Threats were normal. Daily. Words meant nothing to the brothers, unless they were the right words. Nobody accused Pops of making a 'mistake' unless they were stupid… or they had a death wish.

"Pops is gonna be angry," whispered Fredo, a tremble shook his entire body which didn't stop until Donny held him.

"...I won't let nothing happen to you, middle brother."


When the train sped past the disgustingly pink 'Welcome to Bunnyburrow' sign, Duke heaved a great sigh of relief. He had his fill of bunny adventures for a lifetime. That is… he will have his fill after this bunny adventure was over, at least. Over the last several hours, the copper's angry glares had subsided and she began using the time to recover from her mysterious injuries with what she called calisthenics. Turns out that was a fancy word for middle school stretches. Several times, the sight reminded Duke of that oddly arousing self-described 'fembuck' and Duke had to avert his eyes. To keep himself occupied, Duke tried to mentally plan out the steps they'd need to take while keeping a lookout for any approaching destination signs. The lack of a phone to type down his thoughts and the free bunny show were making that rather difficult. As he watched the tracks, again and again he felt the pinching of li'l Judy's needle claws threading in his fur. Even though he knew she wasn't really there, Duke found himself combing through his hair, as if he would find that brat. She'd only respond to his complaints with a giggling, 'Fuck it!'... Duke wished he could hear her curse like a sailor again.

Eventually, the copper settled on a crate next to him, opened her trap like she wanted to say something but then chose not to. Duke could sense the uneasiness of the situation. After all, this was the first time the two were gonna talk without a table or metal bars between them. Despite it being as simple as a conversation, Duke could already tell this was going to be the strangest thing to happen to him since he stole that printer.

"Sorry, I guess Nick missed a spot," she nodded at Duke's ankle.

"Huh? Oh, dat..."

He had nearly forgotten about the band of film, still flapping in the wind. The constricting wrap hadn't loosened once during this nightmare. While it had remained an annoyance in the back of his head, more pressing matters had taken priority. Duke reasoned there was time now so he unsheathed a claw and scratched at the next layer.

"I could, um..." There was a series of plastic clicks and Cottontail pulled a boxcutter from her belt. Without waiting for his permission, she knelt forward and cleanly sliced away the topmost ribbon. As she made short work of the nuisance, she asked, "So, was it a good movie?"

Duke cleared his throat when he realized he was supposed to respond without a stinging insult, "Ahem! I-I-I'd give it a nine… outta hundred."

"Wow! That bad?" she chuckled as the next layer fell away, "What was it even about?"

"Christ Almighty! A shitty story `bout a tigress adoptin' dis troublemakin' weasel 'n teachin' 'im da error of his ways. It was cliche, sappy, 'n, might I add, very degradin' fer my species."

Another strip of film slid to the floor, "You wanna talk degrading? Have you seen the way bunnies are portrayed in movies?" She suddenly crossed her eyes and put on a thick hillbilly accent, "That there's hotter than a goat's butt in a pepper patch!"

A round of laughs erupted between them only to come to an abrupt halt when they became aware of what was happening. Duke quietly resumed his post of watching for the road signs, hoping against hope that the talk would not continue. He felt the boxcutter slice along his leg again. Yet another inch of fur was freed.

"What, uh, what was the problem with that movie? It sounded like a feelgood story."

His claws strummed in thought before Duke reached into the growing pile of discarded film. He dug until he found the frame and gave it to her. It was the frame depicting the happy tiger and weasel in front of that angelic sunset, the crowd of supportive mammals cheering around them. "It's a fairytale. Not even a good one. It teaches weasels dey don't gotta do nothin' ta move up. Some rich sucker will fix da world for dem. Life ain't like dat. Life ain't a slogan on a bumpa sticka. Life is strugglin' ta make enough ta eat, doin' da lowlife jobs 'cause dey're da only ones dat'll take ya, 'n bein' tricked inta kitnappin' babies. Life is shit."

The afternoon sun shined through the frame in the bucktooth's paw. Slowly, she lowered the film and stared out at the passing woods for what felt like ten minutes to Duke. The weasel had assumed the conversation was over, until she abruptly spoke again, "You know, a long time ago, I sort of said something similar at Nick's academy graduation. I didn't use that kind of language, but you're right. Real life is... messy."

"Just say shit."

"No. I don't use that word and neither should you," she practically scolded him.

"If ya say shit, I'll tell ya da kitnapper's name."

For a moment, the copper actually looked like she was considering, but then decided not to call his bluff. She went back to sawing at his ankle, "I also said that we all have limitations. We all make mistakes. And the more we try to understand one another, the more exceptional each of us can be. But for that to happen, you have to try." She paused and looked at him straight on as if she was about to give him a resolute ultimatum. The blade could be felt lifting up the last coil of film but the bunny was not giving that final tug until she heard how he'd respond, "My offer still stands, Weaselton. You help me take this guy down, I'll wipe your record clean."

Duke stared back, unable to name the warm sensation glimmering in his chest. A couple days ago, those words meant zip. A couple days ago, he had more cash than he'd ever need. A couple days ago, he wasn't being hunted. A couple days ago, he was a very different weasel. "Are ya… Are ya…" he nearly blubbered into a wreck. He couldn't allow that and went for the punch that would get a reaction, "Are ya seriously motherin' me right now?"

As he expected, those dumb ears sprang straight towards the sky and her eyes shot open. However, she seemed to just as quickly recover and fixed him with a confident smirk. There was a snip and last of the film was whisked away by the wind. "If mothering you is what it takes to get you to try, then I'm going to mother the SHIT out of you."

And that's when it hit Duke. A moment like this hadn't happened since before grade school. Since before he wasn't allowed to play with the others. Since before he only had his dad's camera to keep him company. It was the start of something new and familiar. Something he hated to admit but never so desperately wanted to be true. Something that made no sense yet made all the sense in the world.

She was his… pal.

Before he knew what he was doing, he had the goddamn Cottontail wrapped in his arms.

"This is a really wonderful moment, Weaselton, despite the desire to wash out my mouth, and I'd hug you back, but I am still holding a knife." They passed a couple dozen more trees. "So..."

"Not done."

"Take your time." Twenty dozen more trees. "Jeez, and I thought I was the emotional one."


It was not long after that when they arrived at their destination. With some instructions from Cottontail, the two gracefully disembarked the moving train. "CRAP! SHIT! FUCK!" repeated Duke as he bashed his skull, spine and tailbone against several poorly placed rocks during his graceful disembarkment.

"I told you to tuck then roll," snickered Cottontail as she pulled him back to his feet.

Duke groaned, "Silly me."

The copper eagerly turned to the relatively large town waiting down the hill. "Okay, we'll need a way to sneak you into town to find your contact. Maybe we could a fashion a disguise from the tall grass or find a route through the back alleys. Ooh! How about we—"

"Found 'em," Duke proclaimed and headed away from the buildings. On the other side of the train tracks was an empty parking lot. On the other side of the empty parking lot was a thick treeline. On the other side of the thick treeline waited a gazebo that was once filled with happiness.

Cottontail took in the sight, "Did we miss a party?"

"Wait here," Duke said, "'N tie dose bunny ears of yers in a bow. Ya can't lissen ta nothin' she sez ta me!" He ran off before she could protest. Around the gazebo lay the remains. The 'Welcome' banner was strewn across the grass with pawprints, hoofprints and clawmarks alike dirtying the previously spotless sign. Molding cheeseburgers and shattered pickle jars littered the path. Under the gazebo ceiling and standing ever vigilante was the graying cow.

"Zey leave in hurry," sighed Mama Pikel, "I did not zink zey leave wizout memories. I was miztaken."

The family photo museum remained untouched, from the old black and white to the bright colored modern. Every frame had been abandoned in the chase. Not a single Pickle, Picklle, nor Pikel had returned for what were the supposedly precious momentos. The heartache on the cow's wrinkled face... All this suffering, all these lies, all for the piece of plastic in Duke's pocket. He drew the strip out and placed it on the picnic table.

"I can't imagine what dis is like for ya, but at least ya know dis is safe now."

Mama Pikel took the plastic with some confusion, "I give zis for safe keeping."

"Safe does not describe dat recipe but everyone dinks I gots it. Dey won't never come back here 'n dat makes Podunk da safest place."

Some happiness seemed to be returned to the old cow by Duke's actions. "A good mammal. I chooze good mammal. Even when TV call you criminal, I knew you good mammal. To return recipe worth millions take courage of bull."

"Dat don't matter no more. I need yer—Wait, how many millions we talkin' here?"

"Two hundred seventy-five."

"FFFFFFUCK!"

Mama Pikel cuffed him in the back of the head. "Watch language! I tell you already, babushka learn from—" She blinked several times in search, "Where iz babushka? Who iz grumpy bunny and why she iz covering ears?"

"DAT—" Duke took a wheezing breath and regained temporary control of the volume of his voice, "Sorry, dat is actually why I'm here. I need yer—Ya know what, can I get dat recipe back?"

"Nyet."

"AAAAAGGGHHHH!" A couple self-inflicted headbutts to the gazebo legs later, Duke came to terms with the loss of his plastic fortune and collapsed at the foot of the museum. As the head trauma slowly cleared, he spied a family photo with the face he was looking for. Seems his gambling paid off. "As I was sayin', I need yer help." He took the photo and handed it to Mama Pikel. "Da ferret I was impersonatin'? I need ya ta tell me everythin' `bout `im. Start wit da li'l guy on his shoulder."

"Ah, yes... Travis and Michael... Iz sad story." Somber nostalgia took hold of the elder. Again that gentle candle was lit and she stroked the pictured mammals' matching strange ears. Ears that had no business being on a shrew. "Different species, same mother. Half-brothers."

END CHAPTER 9

Sorry, pal, outta answers. I only gots is not so subtle hints and red herrings. Tell ya what, I can put in an order for a FINAL CHAPTER and that should be in da next time ya come around. Sound good?

Warning: the preceding use of CPR does not portray the proper use of the life-saving procedure. Please don't punch drowning victims in the gut and assume you'll save them. Take a class and learn from a medical expert.