If I said that this was the worst week, and that yesterday was the worst day, of my life, I would be an absolute idiot. Of course it isn't. But it does suck. It sucks a lot. A lot, a lot. The last few months have been pretty awful, but for some reason, this has been the worst week of them.

Y/N is just so happy. It's driving me nuts.

I blame it mostly on Halloween. If Halloween hadn't happened the way it did, maybe everything would be different and the other things would matter less.

That night, Y/N and I were supposed to meet MJ and Ned at Ned's apartment before going to Betty's party. (Ned forced us into it, I didn't really want to go in the first place.)

Anyway, Y/N came to my apartment first so we could walk to Ned's together. Just as I answered the door, MJ sent something to our group snapchat. The little popcorn sound echoed between us as I let Y/N inside. I pulled out my phone.

"It's from MJ," I said, opening it.

MJ, dressed as someone from the 1700s judging by the bonnet, was perched on the back of Ned's couch and holding a whip outside an open window; Ned was in the background, running toward her from the hallway. He was wearing an Indiana Jones costume and his signature Don't you dare, MJ! face.

I laughed.

"Look, MJ's already tormenting Ned with his own costume," I said, showing Y/N the picture before it disappeared.

"What?"

She looked at the screen and froze.

"It's a costume party?"

I thought she knew, especially since Ned talked about it so much. I hadn't planned a costume, but that's because I was hoping if I showed up to Ned's without one, he might tell me not to come at all. I guess it made sense though. I'd been wondering all week what she was planning to wear. I thought I even asked her at one point. Maybe not. Yeah. I wouldn't have wanted her to think I was being weird.

"It's not a big deal. I don't have a costume either."

She groaned.

"No, I should've paid more attention to Ned when he told me about it. I've been so… so out of it and distracted lately, and I can't let him down like this. I know how much it means to him. I told him just an hour ago that I was completely ready for tonight. I can't believe myself."

I tried to console her a bit, make jokes and lighten the mood. But she was kind of right. Ned had been talking about it a lot and she had seemed pretty distracted the last couple weeks. Plus, we only had an hour before we needed to leave.

I remember wishing May were home. She would know how to help. But she must've been busy because she didn't answer any of my texts.

As Y/N beat herself up for being unprepared, she kept pacing and wringing her hands. Then, she stopped.

"I always told myself I would never ask this," she said slowly, "but Peter, can I… try on the suit?"

I always told myself I would never let my friends try the suit on. I didn't want it to get complicated. I mean, once you get a hang of the suit, it's kind of addicting.

In that moment though, I wanted to let her. She tends to get stressed when she isn't one hundred percent on top of things and this was definitely one of those times. I thought it would help distract her while I came up with costume ideas. And maybe another reason I didn't want to admit to myself yet.

"Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I let you try it out?"

She shrugged, the corners of her lips tugging upward. I smiled immediately, like a reflex. I could tell she was getting excited. Weirdly, I felt excited too. I told myself it was a reaction to feeling helpful.

"I just thought Ned said something about it once. Like you were overprotective of it or whatever."

"Pff, no way." I tried to be nonchalant. "Ned is always saying crazy things."

That wasn't true and we both knew it. Awkward things, occasionally. Crazy, not so much.

I dug the suit out of my bag and tossed it to her.

While I waited out in the living room for her to change, I heard a sharp thud from my room. I ran to the door.

"Uh, you okay in there?"

An oomf later, she replied, "Yeah. I just tripped a little. The suit's fine! Hit my funny bone, that's all."

I let out a sigh of relief. Not for the suit, obviously. It can take a beating.

A minute later, she called my name. Her voice carried a distinct… reluctance.

Outside the door again, I offered up a, "Yeah?"

I know, I know. I'm an idiot.

"Um, how exactly does this work? I can't figure out how to make it not so… baggy."

"Hit the spider."

"Hit… the spider?"

"Yeah. In the middle?"

She groaned and opened the door.

I had to shove down the laughter rising in my throat. She was in the suit and holding it up by the collar, clutching it to her chest. That was the first time I realized how short she is. I would notice it a lot more after this whenever she stood next to me, Ned, or better yet, MJ. Y/N is short enough to wear the suit and practically swim in it.

At that moment, Y/N was helpless.

"'Hit the spider.' Really? What does that even mean?"

Her confusion was amusing, but how could she not see the black spider symbol right under her hand?

"Ignoring how ridiculous you look, which, by the way, is off the charts ridiculous, it means," I said, stepping forward. "Hit. The. Spider."

I lightly punched the spider symbol, as if it was a fist bump.

Probably a stupid idea, seeing as it was situated sort of… right between her, um, breasts?

Makes sense that she screamed a bit.

"Jesus! Are you serious? More of a warning would have been nice!"

The suit can be shocking if you aren't used to it snapping like that. I've gotta admit, I was not used to it snapping on her. On me, yeah. Of course. But on her… not at all. Luckily she was too engrossed in the suit to have noticed my expression. I remember thinking, it definitely doesn't look so ridiculous on you anymore.

"Oh my God," she muttered, looking at her arms as she turned them here and there. "This is so weird."

She moved her shoulders a bit as if testing mobility, then her fingers, toes, legs.

"This is… the weirdest sensation. I can't tell if I hate it or if I love it."

Actually, that's probably the best way to describe how I've been feeling since then.

That night, we never ended up going to the party. Y/N called Ned to explain that she didn't have a costume and he immediately said it was alright if we didn't make it. Something about, "MJ is already enough to handle at the moment."

Instead, we stayed in and watched Lord of the Rings while Y/N kept experimenting with the suit. Testing different web shooters (she nearly destroyed my closet), watching Spider-Man Youtube videos in the mask and mocking my "poses" (for the record, I do not pose… as often as those videos suggest), and talking to Karen (they got on immediately). Once she started asking Karen personal questions, like her first one about me: "What does Peter talk to you about every day?" I decided it was time to end her Spider Time.

(Yes, I was worried Karen would tell her how often I talked about her - but to be fair, she is my friend. Obviously I talk to Karen about her a lot. I just couldn't figure out why it was more than Ned or Aunt May or MJ. And Karen had plenty of ideas I knew she would love to tell Y/N about.)

"That's enough! Karen, say goodbye now!" I hurried.

"Really, Peter? We just started a real conversation. You didn't tell me the system was a person! I've been so rude - I'm so sorry, Karen, if I had known-"

"Come on," I begged. "I'm being serious. I don't want the suit to be a thing with everyone. Better to stop now, before you get… attached."

"Attached?" The left eye of the mask widened to match her sarcasm. "Worried I'll steal it and hide in a cave, stroking the fabric? My precious Spidey suit?"

"Very funny," I said. "And you just said, 'My,' so clearly, you are being affected!"

I reached across, about to hit the spider, when I realized exactly what the suit would do if I did, and pulled back.

Not a good time to accidentally see her naked.

I swear, I didn't mean to think that. But that idea - of one of my best friends, that way, in my room - took me off guard. Like a massive idiot, I jerked back too quickly. My ankle hit hers and she fell on top of me, simultaneously hitting the spider and setting off a series of awkward movements in which she tried to hold the suit together and I tried not to, well, see too much. (I saw a tiny bit, not going to lie.)

On the t.v., the Watcher in the Water began attacking Frodo, so the chaos of fiction and real life blended together in the worst way possible. The screaming from the movie made our own awkward grunts and "Sorry!"'s more intimate by contrast. Mostly it was just weird because she was practically drowning in the deflated Spider suit and as we moved against each other, trying to get off of each other, it wasn't much of a barrier between us. Plus, the baggy mask on her face was a weird addition to the situation.

After untangling herself from me, she stood up gingerly and pulled the mask off. Her hair was a nest, a soft I-wish-I-could-reach-out-and-feel-it-moving-through-my-fingers kind of nest.

"D-do you mind if I change now?"

My mouth gaped. Here? Now?

"I mean, if I have to call May to escort you out, I do have her on speed dial."

Without me here. Duh.

"Yeah. S-sorry. I'll just, um, get up then."

I must have looked like an idiot, staring at her from the flat of my back on the floor, practically spread eagle. Sliding past her to the door, I swear I noticed blush on her cheeks. Then again, my own face was burning. But then again, that was because I realized I liked her. Like really, really liked her. So maybe her blush meant she liked me too?

That was Halloween.

Six months later, that memory plays back almost every day. On top of six months worth of other memories. She's there, in my head, all the time. Simple things, like her ridiculous victory dance when she wins Scrabble or her helping Aunt May make dinner (and when it comes to food, she helps a lot - in terms of taste and frequency) or even Karen telling me that she sent me a text, they all make my chest hammer. It's the absolute worst, all variables considered.

I don't know. This week has been weird. Seeing her so excited reminds me of how she looked trying on the suit which reminds me of everything else from that night and how I've never worked up the courage to just ask if it meant anything. Knowing that it's way, way too late to ask now makes me a bundle of nerves and serious regret. Plus, her unguarded joy and enthusiasm itself…. It's a lot to take in. Sensory overload or something. It's like, I catch a glimpse of her teeth as she's laughing and my brain spirals into One Hundred and One Ways I Could Make Her Laugh If She Was In Love With Me Instead or Ten Kissing Scenarios In Which She's So Happy We Can't Kiss Properly Because We're Smiling Too Much. This week, these imaginary scenes keep getting out of control. It's driving me nuts.

I need to stop thinking about her. It's impossible when we're always together, though. All of us. I can't tell which is worse: when it's just us, or when it's us and MJ. And Ned, obviously.

So the last few days, I tried to keep a smidge of distance. Yesterday was particularly rough. Ned and MJ convinced her to skip a bunch of classes with them. They sent me dozens of snapchats, half trying to rope me in, half reporting on their adventures. (My favorite was when they nicknamed Flash an Ass-Hat Rich-Boy Bitch-Boy. Or maybe it was the video of Ned where he dissolved into a fit of laughter because he couldn't say the phrase more than twice without messing it up.)

At the end of the day, because we all have Psych in seventh hour, I may have annoyed them by leaving that class early. I couldn't help it. Y/N was so stupid crazy beautiful happy and it was agonizing to watch her scribble notes back and forth with MJ, her pen clicking in the almost dark as she did everything she could to not laugh and disrupt the episode of Mind Games playing on the screen. I had to get out of there before I got, like, a boner or something.

That was weird. And graphic.

God, it's such a mess. I'm such a mess.

The point is, I need to stop thinking about her like that and just forget what happened yesterday and this morning and six months ago.

That being said, it's not exactly easy when she's been pissing me off the last few days. This stuff with MJ and Flash is starting to seriously eat away at me. Some of it isn't her fault, and I'm trying to work through that on my own, but plenty of it is and I can't tell if she even cares how I (or Ned) feel about it.

I hate these secrets.