DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Ouran High School Host Club
Warning: The usual
Enjoy chapter thirty-one!
Chapter 31
Is he being serious?
With the other's back turned towards him Izumi couldn't tell.
"But I..." How was he supposed to respond to something like this? "Kaoru, I-I need—"
Kaoru cut him off "I said leave."
Should he listen? But then if he did that Izumi wouldn't be able to fix anything. Then again… if Kaoru tells him to…!
"I know, but Kaoru please listen to me." Izumi pleaded. Though his gut told him this wouldn't do shit to change the situation. But it can't be! Please listen to me Kaoru.
"Do you honestly believe I'm going to obediently listen to you after what you did? Get out." Kaoru ordered.
Is this it then? If Kaoru doesn't want to then Izumi had no right to obligate him, right? It's too late, Izumi thought. He should leave then. He turned towards the door. Kaoru doesn't want him here so he had no right to stay.
"Izumi."
The raven haired looked back. He was slightly disappointed that Kaoru was still facing the wall, but listening either way.
"What was the point in even coming?" Kaoru asked softly.
The point? Of course it was to… Izumi cursed inwardly. Damn was he stupid.
"Get out of here Izumi."
No, he wasn't going to leave. "I won't."
"I said get out!" Kaoru's tone was harsher and louder. But Izumi knew this was an act now. He was really just testing the raven haired. Though it was kind of embarrassing to Izumi that he didn't notice it immediately. "I'm not leaving. I can here to talk to you and I will."
Kaoru didn't need to turn around to see how determined Izumi was. He seemed to have understood now why Kaoru was doing this. "What is it?" he sighed out.
Izumi didn't respond right away. He was quite frustrated that Kaoru wasn't facing him. "Will you turn around first?"
"Why?"
"...So that I can talk to you better."
"You've been talking to me just fine."
Izumi scowled at that. "Can you please just turn around?" he asked once again, unknowingly raising his voice.
"Don't use that tone on me!" Kaoru snapped. "It should be enough that I'm even listening to you."
"Kaoru, just turn around!"
"No!"
"Kaoru!"
"Damn it, you're so annoying!" Kaoru sat up and turned towards Izumi. "What?" he said, clearly agitated.
Izumi frowned and looked off to the side. This is actually much harder now that he's looking.
Kaoru scoffed at his silence. "What? Now you can't talk?"
"Shut up." Izumi sighed out as he ruffled his hair. "I'm thinking."
"That's pretty pathetic, coming here without even knowing what to say."
"I said shut up!" Izumi growled and turned to glare at him. Kaoru just kept a placid face. "And I said to not use that tone on me." Izumi was about to respond but instead just rolled his eyes.
"If you're stuck on what to say then how about I help you?" Kaoru said, "Let's start with an explanation on New Year's Eve. Why did you push me away?"
Izumi furrowed his brows in confusion. "I didn't push you away."
"Yes you did!" Kaoru retorted angrily, "I went to kiss you but you stopped me and left the restroom."
Oh shit that's right. I did do that. Izumi cursed in his head. There wasn't a way he could explain it without telling Kaoru about everything else. It was all part of the same thing. But Izumi didn't know how to word it.
When Izumi didn't respond Kaoru sighed out, "Okay, how about telling me why you kept ignoring me." Again Izumi stayed silent and looked away from him. "Fine, then tell me why you haven't talked to me since school started." Still nothing. "Would you at least tell me something!?" Kaoru snapped, fed up with all of this.
"I'm getting to it!" Izumi growled as he turned back to him. "Just let me think first."
"I've been letting you think for quite a while now." Kaoru snarled back.
Izumi ruffled his hair furiously before sighing heavily. He walked over to the lone chair by the desk and sat down. Kaoru immediately complained about it though, "Hey, don't just sit down without per—"
"Kaoru, could you please just be quiet?"
Kaoru pressed his lips into a pout and leaned his chin on the palm of his hand that was prodded up on his knee. How long does he need to think? Kaoru wondered as Izumi just sat there, silently staring at the floor.
A few minutes passed by before the raven haired spoke up, "I'm sorry." There was a pause as if he sincerely meant those words. "I hadn't meant to do this to you."
Kaoru picked up his head and began to open his mouth, but Izumi immediately cut him off. "I'm not done. Don't talk." Kaoru closed his mouth and listened intently.
"Something came up and I figured it'd be best if you didn't know about it." Izumi looked up at the auburn haired. "I honestly still prefer it if you didn't."
Kaoru frowned and said, "So something came up and instead of telling me you decided to ignore me for three weeks?"
"Yeah, somewhat."
"And why is that?" The raven haired didn't respond and just furrowed his brows in concern. So he added, "Izumi, are you not going to tell me anything?"
"I will." Izumi said right away. "This just isn't... it's not easy to say." His frustration was obvious to Kaoru when he messed with his hair once again. His face was scrunched up in contemplation and predicament.
"In general or is it because it's me?"
Izumi frowned at him for a while before sighing out, "Both, I guess." Mainly just because it's him. Izumi thought to himself, remembering how he hadn't felt nervous or anything when he had told Haruhi some of it.
The way he said it disappointed Kaoru. He stared at the raven haired intently, trying to read him. But the boy looked away after a few seconds. Then Kaoru said in a rather accusing tone, "You still don't trust me."
"That's not it." Izumi denied immediately and then muttered, "I've told you this before."
"Izumi, I barely know anything about you." Kaoru admitted. "And that's because you never tell me if something's wrong. So how am I supposed to not think that you must not trust me enough?"
"I-I'm sorry I…" Izumi paused and furrowed his eyebrows together in concentration. "I'm sorry." he finished softly. He knew all of this and he was planning on changing it. He just needed to blurt it out. "Kaoru, the truth is that I've sort of... lied to you about my family."
"What do you mean by that?" Kaoru asked. The only thing he could think of is how his father is abusive. Could that be what Izumi is talking about? But why would he lie? And what about all those nightmares he constantly gets? It didn't make sense.
"It's about my father," Izumi started. His face was still turned away, not wanting to see the auburn haired's reaction when he says this "He's—" He couldn't do it. "My father, he's—"
Kaoru watched silently in concern as the raven haired sighed angrily and cursed to himself. What did he lie about his father? Kaoru wondered. As he was thinking this Izumi mumbled two words, "He's dead." Although, it was said so lowly that Kaoru had missed it. "Sorry I didn't—"
"He's not away on business." Izumi cut him off with a loud voice. "He's dead. Passed away two months ago." There he said it. What was going to happen now that he did? Izumi waited for the other to say something, but nothing happened. Confused, he glanced up. Kaoru was there looking contemplative and dumbstruck. He was trying to find the right words to say. "So, wait. Your father is..." Kaoru's words trailed off. Izumi nodded and said, "Dead."
"B-but how?"
Izumi lowered his eyes and looked at the floor. "He was um, he..." This is something he couldn't say at all. He still hasn't even mentally processed it.
Kaoru noticed how Izumi was slowly edging his hand closer to his chest until he was lightly grasping the fabric of his lavender jacket. From this Kaoru understood it was just too much for Izumi to say. "Izumi, it's fine. You don't have—"
"My father w-was... i-in this room and he—" Izumi abruptly stopped talking and unconsciously clenched his jacket tighter. Kaoru started to get up from the bed. "No, don't get up!" Izumi shouted out. "I can do this." he assured the boy, who didn't seem quite convinced. "I-I just have to—"
"Izumi, stop. I don't want to know about that." Kaoru said. Izumi looked up and let go of the lavender fabric, which made Kaoru relieved to see. Although he was curious about what happened to his father, Kaoru preferred to not let Izumi get another panic attack or something. "Just forget I asked and continue from where you left off."
Izumi sighed and continued to speak, "Before this, a few years ago my—you know what happened to my mother, right?" Kaoru nodded and furrowed his brows. "Well, my father had been depressed for a while until he met this one woman."
A woman? Kaoru wondered to himself, getting engrossed in the conversation. "This woman had already known my parents before, but when my mother passed away she started trying to date him. Eventually, my father agreed, but for all the wrong reasons." Izumi paused as he took a breather.
"What do you mean by that?" Kaoru asked.
Izumi frowned and answered him, "Well, she looked a lot like my mother."
"He dated her for that reason?"
"Yes, that's right. It's a typical thing my father would do." Izumi sighed out.
"Did she know?"
"Yes, but she didn't care. She just wanted to be with him."
That's rather strange. Kaoru thought. None of this seemed like something a normal person would do. Someone wouldn't date another just because they looked like their past lover or something. And the other person certainly wouldn't be okay with it.
Izumi noticed how much trouble Kaoru was having in processing all of this so he asked, "Is this too much?" The boy shook his head though. "No, I'm just… shocked, I guess." Well, it is reasonable to be shocked. "I see."
"Sorry, just continue."
Izumi hummed, "Hm, she didn't like me very much. She kind of hated me. And she—"
"Wait!" Izumi paused and looked at the auburn haired. "She hated you!?" Izumi tilted his head in confusion. "I just said—"
"Wait!" Kaoru once again cut him off and Izumi scowled. "But did... did she know about the—that thing that he did?"
Izumi furrowed his brows and then said, "Do you mean the abuse?" Finding that to be the only thing Kaoru could be talking about. "Yeah, that!" Kaoru exclaimed then said, "Did she... Did she know?" His eyebrows were scrunched up in concern.
"She did."
"Then, I dont—how is that...?" Kaoru sighed heavily, frustrated he wasn't understanding the situation. Izumi just stayed quiet. "Okay, so the woman knew and she hated you."
"Right." Izumi nodded. Kaoru stared at the blank expression he was giving for a few seconds before shaking his head. "I don't understand how that's possible."
"How do you not—"
"Because! How... Why does she hate you?"
"Apparently it's because my father paid too much attention to me and be—"
"Huh!? How does that make—"
"Could you please stop cutting me off!?" Izumi growled out. Kaoru immediately closed his mouth and turned away sheepishly, "S-sorry."
Kaoru was one hard person to tell things to, Izumi concluded. He's been here for a while already and he barely told the other anything. Not only that but Kaoru also interrupted him way too much. It was unlike Haruhi, who had listened quietly and didn't speak until he finished. "Forget the reason. She just hated me, understand?"
Kaoru nodded, "Yeah."
"Okay, so at the age of thirteen I…" Izumi paused momentarily, making Kaoru glance over as he got intrigued. The raven haired looked away before continuing, "I had this boyfriend in which I kept secret from them."
A boyfriend? Kaoru wondered. His thoughts were immediately drawn to that time he found a picture in the closet. So I was right. He did date that guy. Somehow that made him kind of angry. Kaoru observed the side of the raven haired's face. He couldn't decide whether Izumi was sad or just in deep thought.
"But at the age of fifteen, she found out somehow and told my father." Izumi shakily sighed out and ruffled out his hair. Why the hell am I getting all emotional now? He wasn't like this at all when he told Haruhi. So why now? "He got mad of course. And he—" No, he can't tell Kaoru about that. "We broke up."
"But how—"
"Kaoru." The auburn haired stopped and saw the pleading expression. "Please, don't ask anything until I finish." Kaoru furrowed his brows in concern but nodded either way. This really must be something difficult for Izumi to approach.
"She accused me for my father's death and…" For some reason Izumi was losing the words he wanted to say. "I suppose she wanted to get me back for it," he finally forced out. "Because two weeks ago she… blackmailed me."
There was a long silence after that so Kaoru concluded that he must have finished. He said the first thing on his mind, "She… blackmailed you?" How? And who the hell is this woman to do this? That's just crazy!
Izumi lowered his eyes and stood up from the chair. He took something out from his school pants and handed it over to Kaoru. The boy quirked an eyebrow and grabbed it. It was a gold envelope. He looked up at the raven haired in confusion, but the boy just sat back down and covered his face with his hands. Kaoru looked down at the envelope again and saw something was written on it. I always win Izumi. He then frowned and proceeded to open it. He grabbed whatever was inside and stared at the first thing he saw. It was a letter in which he knew was referring to him. What does she mean by ruining my reputation? Kaoru wondered. He slid the letter back to view the other one. That's when he understood exactly what she meant. This crazy bitch! Kaoru insulted in his head. How dare she spy on us! How did she even manage to see this!? Kaoru could understand now why this was such a big deal. But…
"Why didn't you tell me about this?" Kaoru asked in a harsh voice since he was quite angry at the moment.
Izumi glanced up with a remorseful expression. "I didn't want to get you involved."
Kaoru glared at him and said, "Well it seems to me like that's not something you could've chosen for yourself, because obviously," He slammed the papers down on the bed. "I am involved in this!"
Izumi flinched and stammered out a reply, "I-I-I know, b-but I-I didn't know what—"
"Two weeks. You ignored me for two weeks for this shit!?" Kaoru shouted as he pointed accusingly at the papers.
"I-I didn't mean to, b-but then—"
"How were you planning to fix this without telling me?" Kaoru snarled out, furious about practically everything.
Izumi flinched back once again. "I thought that maybe… maybe she would… she would…" Just knowing that Kaoru was angry at him made his unable to think properly. He was foolish to think that Kaoru would forgive him after telling him the truth.
"What, that she would think you listened if you ignored me?" Kaoru finished, then with a face full of disgust said, "You practically did!"
With a guilt-ridden face Izumi stuttered out, "I-I hadn't meant to…" His voice got caught in his throat.
"Why did you even decide now, out of all the other days, to come talk to me?"
"I-I thought..." Again he couldn't continue.
"Thought that I would forgive you, right? Because apparently I'm that stupid and willing to do so!"
"N-no I…"
"Do you even realize what this did to me!?"
"…" Izumi tried to speak but nothing came out. The lump in his throat made it difficult.
"I was waiting this whole time for you, but you never acknowledged me. How do you think that made me feel!?" Kaoru shouted out. "I honestly thought that you had gotten tired of me. And I tried to make myself forget about that idea, but your actions made it impossible!"
Kaoru waited for Izumi to say something, but the boy just kept giving him a distressed look. So he added, "Izumi, do you realize how much this has hurt me? How miserable I've been?" A few seconds passed before Kaoru shouted in a fury at Izumi's silence, "I fucking cried for you, you asshole!"
Kaoru continued to scream out. "I couldn't take it no matter how much Hikaru tried—how much everyone tried to cheer me up!" With every word spoken Izumi found it more and more of a struggle to keep his composure. Kaoru, I'm sorry! "Everyday got worse. I couldn't get myself to do anything!" I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! Kaoru started coughing violently from straining his voice too much. So he then yelled out, "And just with this I got myself sick!" I'm sorry. "Damn it!" I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
"I'm… sorry."
Kaoru paused on his next words when he heard the small voice. He narrowed his eyes and was about to reply before the small voice, that seemed more like a whimper, repeated, "I'm sorry." Izumi had covered his face at one point, so Kaoru couldn't see his expression. "Kaoru, I'm sorry." The voice was shaking and whimpering, much like it would if you were crying. But Izumi couldn't be crying, right? "I'm so sorry."
"Izumi?" Kaoru called out. He found it strange how Izumi was just repeating the same thing.
"I'm sorry." Izumi moved his hands a little, but left them over his face. "I'm so… " There was a slight pause in which Kaoru could hear a slight sniffle. "… sorry."
"Izumi, look at me." Kaoru said, concerned if that meant the raven haired was really crying. He knew how sensitive the other got. And, for the lack of better words, Izumi was a crybaby. The minute the first tear or sniffle comes out he completely loses his composure and is practically bawling out.
"I'm really sorry." Izumi rubbed his eyes again before letting them fall down on his lap. His face was turned downwards so Kaoru couldn't see it. "I'm so—"
"Look at me." Kaoru ordered him. But the raven haired kept his head down and repeated the same thing in a low whimper, "I'm sorry." Kaoru sighed in frustration and said, "Izumi, look up already!"
There was a long silence before Izumi wiped his eyes and finally looked up. He had already broken down, Kaoru concluded. He looked like completely wretched. Izumi was teary-eyed and visibly trembling and gritting his teeth as he tried to hold in his sobs. "I-I'm so sorry, Kaoru." Izumi started to shed his tears and sob loudly now that he wasn't hiding anymore. He buried his head in his hands again and continued to weep.
Kaoru didn't know what to do. Should he feel bad or still be angry? Though, surely enough his gut went for the former. He could not take the sight of Izumi crying. "Izumi, come here." he said in a gentle voice to show it was okay.
Izumi glanced up, and through his blurred-up eyes saw Kaoru with his hand out towards him. He shook his head and refused the offer, "No! You have every right to be mad for what I... what I did."
"Izumi, it's o—"
"Don't consult me!" Izumi shouted out. "I'm just sad right now because I'm... I'm really sorry." he whimpered.
"Izumi," Kaoru called softly. The boy looked at him quietly while he poorly attempted to dry off his never-ending tears with the sleeves of his school jacket. "Come here." Kaoru gave him a tender expression. Izumi exhaled slowly, his breath quivering as he did. He hesitantly moved his right hand towards Kaoru's outstretched one and lightly grabbed it. Kaoru gave him a small smile before slowly pulling Izumi to his feet and towards him.
As Izumi walked towards him he couldn't help but let out low sobs. He was getting emotional now that Kaoru was closer. They both stared at each other for a few seconds. Kaoru pulled Izumi even closer, making him climb on the bed. The boys were practically sitting in front of each other, so Izumi could no longer hold it in.
"I'm sorry." he sobbed out as his tears once again ran down his face. He looked down at the bed as his hiccups and sniffles grew louder.
Kaoru sighed and jerked their hands back, causing the raven haired to collapse on him. Kaoru wrapped his arms around the boy before he could attempt to get away. He glanced down on the bed and noticed the two papers and envelope. He glared at them with such anger. He smacked them off and they fell on the floor. Fucking bitch, he cursed as he tightened his grip on Izumi.
Izumi froze when this happened. In this state he was unable to comprehend why Kaoru would be holding him after what he had done. And thinking that it was just because the boy cared about him made Izumi feel that much worse. "Kaoru, I'm… s-sorry." he repeated. His arms shakily embraced the other as well, afraid Kaoru would back off if he did. But instead he felt Kaoru tighten his grip. It made Izumi genuinely happy and relieved. Yet his tears did not stop flowing, nor did his sobs or his apologies. "I'm sorry. I'm really so—"
"Stop apologizing."
Izumi nodded and buried his head further in Kaoru's neck. He hands clenched the back of his white shirt. Like this Izumi could feel the warmth of the boy's body. A heat that rushed in and greatly comforted his trembling self. It brought back the lonesome pain he had to endure these past two weeks. And he knew Kaoru had felt this as well.
Izumi could feel a lump in his throat. He had the urge to apologize to the boy, feeling it wasn't said enough, but stopped himself and instead said, "Y-you don't have to do this for me."
"I know… and I shouldn't be… but," Kaoru whispered near the raven haired's ear, "I want to."
He didn't respond. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that. So Izumi said the next thing that was on his mind. "Kaoru, I understand if you hate me."
Kaoru sighed and softly pushed the raven haired back. He grabbed the boy's face, and tilted it upwards so they could make eye contact. "Izumi," Kaoru began, "Understand that I could never hate you… no matter what stupid and ridiculous things you do."
Izumi studied the auburn haired closely, trying to find any indication to the contrary. But he was sincere and genuine to his statement. Kaoru still cared about him a lot. And it made Izumi tear up again.
"Stop crying." Kaoru muttered as he gently wiped them away once they began to fall. The raven haired leaned his head to the side, seeming to be comforted from Kaoru holding him.
Nothing else was said. They just continued to stare at one another. Through their eyes they observed and studied, trying to decide what would be okay to do. They knew that technically they hadn't broken up, but it sure did feel as if they did.
Kaoru lowered his eyes and saw the quivering lip of the boy. He felt a pang in his chest in which conflicted with his earlier emotions. Was he really going to just forgive Izumi so easily? Still, he could not stop himself from softly running his thumb over the bottom lip. Izumi responded by opening his mouth just the tiniest bit. At the reaction Kaoru glanced up, but the boy's eyes were glazed over. Either he was not understanding what was going on or he was completely unaware of his movements.
This whole thing was a mess of contemplative thoughts. But Kaoru ignored it all and leaned towards the other. He hesitated and pulled back quite often. This isn't something he should be doing. He shouldn't kiss Izumi. Nothing has been solved yet. But Kaoru gathered himself until he was a hair's breadth away from Izumi. He kept looking into his blue eyes, wondering what he was thinking. Izumi only tilted his head slightly and his lips parted a bit more. Kind of in acceptance. Which would be strange since their roles were completely being switched around given the situation.
With a sigh, Kaoru went for it. It was a shock to them both as their lips just barely touched. So when there was a little tingle in Kaoru's nose before he could even fully place their lips together, it shot his consciousness right back. He pushed the raven haired and turned his face away. He covered his nose in his arm and sneezed.
"Ugh… sorry." Kaoru sniffed. "Forgot I was sick."
"… right." Izumi furrowed his brows. He was confused on what was about to happen. He sort of spaced out.
"What? Not even a 'bless you' or something?" Kaoru joked.
Izumi opened his mouth to reply, but then there was a knock on the door. It opened before Kaoru could say anything and two maids stepped in. "Your medicine." they said before walking over to a computer table and placing the tray down. It contained tea and two small white pills.
"Ah, thank you."
The maids left and a silence followed. Kaoru looked over to the raven haired. He was for some reason flushed and embarrassed. "Are you okay?" Kaoru asked.
Izumi nodded, "Yes, um…" he looked off to the side and towards the computer table. "Aren't you going to take your medicine?"
"Yeah, later. It's over there so—"
"I-I'll get it for you!" Izumi abruptly got up from the bed and grabbed the cup and two pills. He passed it to Kaoru who mumbled a 'thanks' and took it. Izumi sat back down in the chair again and stared at the floor, not saying a word to the other as he drank his tea.
So we're back to this, huh? Kaoru frowned and thought back to their problems. After a while of thinking he made up his mind.
"Technically we're still together, right?" The boy looked up and nodded. Kaoru continued, "Izumi, listen you might not really like this, but… I want to put our relationship… on hold for a while."
Kaoru saw it coming when Izumi widened his eyes and gave him a panicked look. "Wh-what do you mean?"
"I'm not breaking up with you or anything," Kaoru looked down at the cup in his hands. "I just… I think that we should take a break for a while."
"A break?"
Kaoru sighed and elaborated on it. "I believe that this will help us more. Maybe help us in getting to know each other."
"B-But we do know—"
"Izumi, we don't know anything about each other. And honestly we went too fast." Kaoru frowned and added, "I barely know you."
Izumi was about to say something on the contrary, but Kaoru knew what he would say. "Knowing your past doesn't necessarily help me in getting to know you."
"Yes it—"
"It doesn't." Kaoru shook his head. "I don't know what's your favorite color. Or even your favorite animal. I don't know what academic you like. I don't know what career you're going to pursue. I don't even know your birthday!"
"B-but—"
"And you don't know mine either."
Izumi lowered his eyes to the floor again. He was well aware of that.
"Izumi, listen to me. I know I was the one who asked you out, but please let's put this relationship on hold."
"Okay." Izumi answered softly.
For this chapter I decided to take my time to thoroughly go over it. I completely ignored the fact that I was very late.
I'm going to do this for now on actually. I'm going to take my time. Which you would think is something I should be doing anyway, but it's just that I feel guilty for making you guys wait so long.
But I don't want my chapters—especially these critical ones—to come out crappy because I bullshited it from the shortage of time. I won't procrastinate since I'm actually very hyped for these upcoming chapters, but I will be taking long. I don't know how long. But it most likely won't take more than a month.
Sorry, you guys won't be getting weekly updates anymore. But you can expect better written ones.
Ugh I hope you guys are still interested in this story T-T
PLEASE REVIEW, FOLLOW, AND FAVORITE \(^.^)/
