Dorian couldn't help but feel uneasy as they approached the cave. It was a ridiculous sentiment, he'd only been conscious for a short while before reinforcements had arrived, it hadn't been particularly traumatic. Then again, this was where this nightmare had begun. He'd lost time here, nearly an entire day unaccounted for, and he couldn't help but fear what they might discover. Still, finding nothing would by far be the worse outcome. Dorian prayed that they'd find the poison or, even better, the antidote so this entire business could be wrapped up and put behind them, but he knew none of them were that lucky, himself in particular.
The Iron Bull waited outside with the horses as the rest of them trekked through the snow and into the cave. It was a grim task, but Blackwall and Cassandra began kicking corpses over and searching them while Vivienne, Elden, and Dorian continued on inside. The Inquisitor knelt by the next body they came across and began searching as well.
They left quite the body count in their wake wherever they went, but still Elden treated the fallen reverently, even these Venatori. He'd expressed on more than one occasion regret at the loss of life and a desire to bury the fallen, although it was rarely possible, now especially. Dorian knew this had to be difficult for him. He wanted to kneel beside him, place a hand on his shoulder, but he was afraid to get too close, afraid to see Elden flinch like that again.
Truth be told, he'd been avoiding Elden, keeping out of reach and avoiding eye contact. It was childish perhaps, but every time he saw the sadness there, Dorian wanted nothing more than to pull him close and he couldn't. He didn't have the right. Elden had learned firsthand how his touch could burn, it was only right he pulled away. He should be angry, he should blame Dorian for all of this and push him away if only to protect himself. But of course he wouldn't. Elden was too kind, too understanding, and Dorian hated how easily he had hurt him.
Dwelling was getting him nowhere so instead Dorian continued deeper in. In the back, he found the place they had left him on the hard ground when he'd been held prisoner, charred rope still lying there where it had fallen as well as a few more bodies. He supposed he should actually assist with the search. He flipped the nearest body over, shuffling around until he found something inside the man's coat. When he pulled it out and saw the dagger in his hand, however, he recoiled, dropping it to the ground like it had burned him, backing away until he hit the wall, breathing hard.
"Dorian?"
He heard Elden's voice, but he couldn't take his eyes off of that blade. He recognized it, similar to the one he'd used to- to stab Elden, but this one was different, huge gemstone eyes boring into him from the engraved skull. Somehow they burned into his skull and he covered his eyes, but the pain only increased. He thought he might be yelling as he doubled over, but he couldn't tell, his ears ringing and drowning out all else as his skull throbbed.
It felt like there was something lurking at the edges of his mind and suddenly it all flooded in, a memory locked away of agony and pain. There were faces in the darkness, grinning and terrible, that watched, that commanded and taunted. These had to be the true leaders of this group. He knew they had to be human, but they were distorted by pain and perception and he couldn't help but recoil from them as if they were demons.
Dorian could feel ropes burning his wrist as if he was being restrained even now, and there was that knife in the hand of one of those mages. The blade sliced down his arm, blood flowing onto the floor, so much blood, the room smelling metallic with it, and Dorian wretched at the memory, thankful that his stomach was practically empty anyway. Finally his mind cleared and the pain and ringing finally receded. He just stayed there for a moment, breathing heavily and leaning against the cold stone.
"Dorian?" Elden repeated, close at his side. "Are you all rigth?"
"You're remembering, aren't you?" Vivienne asked. "Where were you taken? Where did the ritual happen?"
"A cave?" Dorian said doubtfully, trying to remember, wanting to focus on those flashes of memory but afraid of falling back into them again. The fact that it was in a cave was much too vague to be particularly helpful. He needed to see something, anything, that could give him a clue, but then there was another flash of agony as that knife flayed his stomach and he reeled back, nearly falling to the ground, back in the blessed present.
"Dorian!"
Elden caught him and steadied him as he frantically clawed at his shirt, pulling it up, but he was whole, his stomach unscarred. Had they tortured then healed him to hide the evidence? That was a lot of work to go to. Then again, all this was to assassinate the Inquisitor so perhaps it made sense. In retrospect they all really should have known that Dorian's rescue was all too easy, his injuries too superficial. Of course there had to be others, all this just a setup to cause them to write this entire thing off as attempted ransom and nothing more.
"I'm fine," Dorian said after he took a deep breath, composing himself as best as he could as he pushed away from Elden and stood up straight. He tried not to notice the disappointment on Elden's face. "There were others. I was taken- somewhere, another cave, bigger. I remember seeing mountains out of the mouth of the cave." It was frustrating how difficult it was to remember any details. Then again, he'd been a tad preoccupied at the time so the fact that he had anything at all to go on was probably a blessing.
"Doesn't exactly narrow it down," Blackwall muttered.
Dorian wasn't exactly sure when he and Cassandra had joined them but he shot a glare in Blackwall's direction before he continued. "There were definitely mages. Several. As well as some sort of ritual circle."
"What kind?" Vivienne asked.
"If I knew, I would have said as much," Dorian snapped, regretting it as soon as the words were out of his mouth. He closed his eyes, trying to calm himself. He could still feel the fear clawing at him, could still remember what it felt like to be sliced into again and again, but it wouldn't do to lash out at allies. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I apologize. I can't recall the details. There was definitely blood magic involved but that's all I've got."
"Unfortunate, but it's a start," Cassandra said.
"Are we not going to address the possibility that that was all an act and he's leading us into a trap?" Blackwall asked, looking skeptical.
"Blackwall, please," Elden said, but Dorian couldn't exactly blame the man for being suspicious.
"I'm not sure it matters at this point," Cassandra said, sending a concerned glance towards Elden. "We've finished searching here, let's get going."
"Dorian?" Elden was still at his side, so close but not wanting to touch without permission.
"I'm fine," Dorian said, waving a hand dismissively. His touch was soothing and a part of him wanted to lean into him again, let Elden hold him, support him, but he couldn't do that now. He couldn't demand any more from him.
Suddenly Dorian was feeling incredibly claustrophobic here in this small cave with all these people crowding around. He could still hear the taunting voices of those Venatori as they pressed in around him, even if he couldn't tell what they were saying. He brushed past Elden, heading for the exit, needing to be out in the open so he could breathe again.
As he stepped outside, for once he didn't mind the freezing wind as it whipped past him. It allowed him to focus on the moment, on his face and ears burning with cold, and push away the memory of blood and pain. Recent events had made him wary of cliff edges, so he stayed on the path, looking out over the valley between mountain peaks and just tried to calm his pounding heart. Bull was nearby with the horses watching, but Dorian ignored him. He stood there with his eyes closed for a long moment, just trying to feel and not think and nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Cassandra's voice beside him.
"I owe you an apology."
"Oh?" he asked, unable to keep his irritableness out of his voice. "Whatever for?"
It wasn't directed at her, exactly, and he felt guilty for taking this all out on her. It was just- everything, really. He felt helpless, being used and manipulated to hurt the Inquisitor, the last person Dorian had ever wanted to harm, the one person he would give his life to protect. Seeing Elden flinch away, reminding him of how Dorian had betrayed him so deeply. And now he could barely trust his own mind. He couldn't wait to find those responsible so he could tear them apart. Unless, of course, they still held power over him in which case things could go very badly indeed.
"I didn't even give you a chance to prove yourself," she explained and thankfully she didn't seem offended by his tone. "I owed you that at the very least, after everything you've done for the Inquisition."
"It's fine, Cassandra," he said with a heavy sigh. "I ended up doing exactly what all the rumors said I would. I don't blame you for assume my guilt. The knife was in my hand, after all."
"Still," she insisted. "I apologize for my brashness, for throwing out whatever trust you'd managed to build thus far."
"That's very generous of you," he said. As much as he appreciated her words, he knew all of this would take time. On both sides. And there were more pressing things to attend to at the moment. "Better not let your guard down just yet. Not until this is over. I could still pose a threat."
She nodded and they both understood the implication. Elden was the priority. If Dorian was forced to turn on them, it would be up to the others to make sure the Inquisitor was safe. Glancing up, Dorian could see Elden nearby watching apprehensively. It was obvious he wanted to approach but was unsure if he would be welcome.
The space was appreciated, but he hated this entire situation. And he hated that Elden was still being so thoughtful and generous. They were both here, hurting and in need of any sort of support, but instead it felt like there was a chasm opening up between them. And it was Dorian's fault. There was nothing he could say, no way he could make this all right, so instead he turned and began trudging through the snow as they all headed out.
They were to meet Leliana's scouts so once they reached the designated location they set up camp and waited. Dorian pulled out his notebook and closed his eyes, trying to recall that view out the mouth of the cave in his memory. It was difficult, having it interspersed with flashes of agony, but he just tried to focus, drawing the mountains as best he could. He was only half paying attention, but when the scouts arrived, he overheard them relaying the most likely locations that the Venatori could be held up. They kept close watch on large sections of the mountain range to ensure safe passage, so that at least narrowed down the possibilities. Now they'd have to rely on chance more than anything, picking a direction and just hoping they got lucky and stumbled across a hideout.
Dorian couldn't help but glance over at Elden who was standing by himself watching the gentle snowfall. He was hunched slightly, arms around himself and Dorian wished he wasn't turned away so he could properly see his face. He didn't look cold, perhaps he was in pain? Vivienne approached him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder to get his attention so she could pass him a vial to drink from.
Dorian wanted to just damn it all and go to Elden as well, wrap his arms around him and just hold him tight, reassure him, do anything he could to ease the pain just as Elden had done for him so many times. But he couldn't. He kept remembering how Elden had flinched away and, honestly, focusing on those memories of torture somehow felt less painful. So, he looked back down at his notebook and continued to sketch.
By the time they had a route planned out, it was growing dark so they settled in for the night. There would be no sleeping anytime soon for Dorian so he sat with his legs drawn up close, staring moodily into the fire, grateful that the others had either retired for the night or were off keeping watch. He never did well when left alone with his thoughts, so of course they strayed to Elden as they often did.
Dorian had been the one cut open in those reawakened memories, but all throughout had been a sense of urgency and a great concern for Elden's safety. They'd been trying to get him to harm Elden (trying and ultimately succeeding he reminded himself) so he supposed it was warranted. There had been so much blood in his memories, but as he stared down at his hands, it was Elden's blood that came to mind, dripping down and staining him, and he could still hear the quiet sound he'd drawn from Elden, the way he'd gasped for air like he couldn't get enough as he slumped to the ground. He wrenched his eyes away and looked back into the embers in the fire.
It was looking less and less likely that they would find the antidote in time. What were they supposed to do then? Just watch as Elden withered away in front of them? Dorian would likely be haunted by what he had done, blood magic or no, for the rest of his life. If it actually led to Elden's death, what was he supposed to do then? How was he supposed to live with that, knowing that he himself had destroyed someone he respected and cared so deeply for? How had any of this happened?
He nearly jumped when footsteps brought him back to the present, but for once he was grateful for the interruption. Unfortunately it turned out to be Elden. He sat close beside him, too close, and Dorian resisted the urge to move away. True, distance between them was the last thing he wanted right now, but there was still so much hurt there. Would he ever stop feeling like a threat to Elden?
"The stars look nice," Elden said and Dorian barked out a short, bitter laugh. He couldn't help himself. It was just so like Elden to want to talk about stars when everything was falling apart around them.
"That's it, then?" he asked. "That's all you have to say?"
"No, but I didn't think you wanted to talk about anything else," Elden said, unphased by his reaction.
"What exactly is there that hasn't already been said?"
"The avalanche- I thought I'd lost you then. I don't want to lose you again after everything. Please don't push me away like this," Elden said, sounding so heartbroken as he tentatively placed his hand over Dorian's where it rested on the ground between them. His movements were so hesitant, giving Dorian plenty of time to pull away. He should have, but now that he had that contact he was reminded of just how desperately he'd missed it
He studied their hands clasped together for a long moment. Should he weigh the risks? Determine if they were stronger together or apart, even if it put one of them at risk? Would it still be worth it if they destroyed each other in the end? But perhaps none of that truly mattered. Neither of them could simply stop caring. And if this was it, if Elden didn't live out the week, Dorian would hate himself for pushing him away when all he wanted to do was pull him close and do whatever he could to make him smile. He sighed heavily before bringing Elden's hand to his lips briefly.
"Then tell me what I'm supposed to do," Dorian said, feeling so tired.
"I don't know what's going to happen, but I want you to be by my side," Elden said earnestly.
"Until I actually manage to kill you or the poison succeeds, right?" Dorian said grimly, wishing he hadn't spoken at all. Why did he have to make this so difficult? And why was Elden still making it so easy?
"Stop blaming yourself," Elden said. "This wasn't your fault."
Dorian had nothing to say to that that wouldn't end in an argument and he was just so tired. "I'm sorry," he said instead. "All I've done lately is hurt you. And I'm selfish enough to still want to be here with you. A better man would probably stay away."
"Then what does that make me?" Elden asked, bumping his shoulder lightly with a sad smile. "I must be far worse because I'm selfish enough to want this as well. I hate seeing you put yourself through this though. I just- I don't want to see you go through this alone. And, frankly, I don't want to go through it alone either."
Dorian leaned into him and Elden immediately wrapped his arms around him. Right now, Dorian wanted nothing more than to feel Elden, his warmth and his heartbeat as he enveloped him. It eased the agony brought on by those reawakened memories as well as reassure him that Elden was here, still alive and with him. Perhaps not safe for the moment, not while poison ran in his veins, but at least he was alive in this moment. That meant there was hope. And Dorian would do whatever he could to make sure Elden got through this.
